truthbetold Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I really am grateful for the things I have in my life, I guess it is just hard. I really love this man, I would have given anything to be a parent and a partner with him, and instead she is the one that gets to. I understand she met him years before me and they have a history. I understand that were he to leave her and be with me, that process could take ages (he'd have to marry me as I am not American and couldn't live or work there without that) and the fall out from his divorce would be long, dragged out, and likely unbearable on many levels. I understand his wife is not cut out for the single life -- she's never worked since she met him, she has very few friends or social ties outside of him -- I understand that their adopting means a child that may otherwise not have found a home will have found an amazing one. I understand all of those things intellectually, but my loss is palpable to me. He and I were/are closer than I can explain and we've been through something so important to us both together. And now I have to keep his life intact by not telling his secret of his affair (she would leave him if she found out, he's convinced) so that he can be a father and have a family. It feels like profound sacrifice on some levels, for when I met him and got involved with him, his marriage was very shakey, I thought I/we had a chance. My life has been turned upside down by him for millions of reasons I have not detailed here, and it's just hard. I'm just jealous of his wife. She gets her dream of having a family with him and I do not. It just hurts, I'm sorry. I know I don't sound grateful for my health, my home, those things, I really am....but I'm also just sad. I fell very much in love and believed he would be with me and I'm having trouble letting go. It is only day 2, please go easy on me. Lynne you really need to stop obsessing. It's not healthy to say if this, or if that in terms that you could be together. Fact is he told you he loves his wife, doesn't matter in love, or just love, he's not leaving. It does nothing to ruminate about how long it would take for you to be a citizen except keeping you in misery. That scenario isn't going to happen, so why induldge it. When thoughts of him come in, just say STOP to yourself and get busy doing something for you. It's dangerous to fantasy think aobut telling her. That could backfire bigtime. You say he's sure she would leave. Even if they had talks about it and he was inside her head, I guarantee SHE doesn't even know what she would do unless she was faced with it. You'd be surprised how many people will say if x event happens they'll react this way. Fact is until you're hit with it, you have no idea where your emotions and head may take you.
Author lynne76 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 I just wanted to give an update, as I have now been NC for a week. It has been a mostly good week, especially since I've been lucky enough to have the support of two friends who I have confided in. There has been some relief in not feeling like I am enabling my xMM to cheat on his wife anymore, even if just as a "friend" to me via the phone and email. Tonight is my first real relapse and I am full of too many conflicting emotions. I'm angry at him for never telling me the "truth" about his marriage when we met -- that they were actively trying for a baby and that they were still having sex. My early understanding was their infertility plight had been so draining that it had taken a toll on the physical aspects of their marriage....I learned the hard way when he got her pregnant naturally (their first time) -- it was such a shock. I had thought it was just a matter of time, maybe, until the marriage disintegrated. But the truth was somewhere more in the middle. He had one foot out the door, but then her pregnancy and her losing it...it made him put both feet back in -- for the hope she would get pregnant again and for his own compassion for her for going through a miscarriage. But it was all so out of left-field for me...I just didn't see it coming. I feel like my affair with him has served as such a LESSON for him about the value of his marriage -- like he needed to go right to the edge and even have me almost push him OVER the edge when I threatened to tell her about the affair -- for him to realise how much he loved her and wanted to stay. Deep down, all along, I thought that if he was with me, it must have meant that the problems in his marriage were substantial and, I suppose, divorce-worthy. So it's just hard. It's like because of my role in his life, he's now moved on to the next chapter and he gets an adopted child and to feel a renewed commitment to her in a way he had never experienced before, and me....I just feel sort of slaughtered by the whole thing. There was so much trauma and I'm so worn down from it. There is a part of me that just wishes she knew that all of this was going on with him the past 18 months, the kind of man she is married to. I know I need to let him go, and I'm working toward it -- sticking to NC is the first step. But these emotions, these waves of grief and anger and bafflement at LIFE just sometimes overtake me. Has anyone else out there been with a man who got his wife pregnant while you were with him? How did you sort that out in your head? I just truly never imagined that was part of their relationship and it's still plaguing me.
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I just truly never imagined that was part of their relationship and it's still plaguing me. Accepting and seeing another truth of it is a good thing and a real reality check for you, to help you let go and start your healing process. The why's and how's, you may never know WHY he lied to you, I doubt he is able to tell you either, without sounding like a complete ahole.. Bottomline though is, he lead you to believe something that now you know isn't true. I'm sure it hurts, but as the saying goes (sorry to sound cliche) if they lie at home to their wives, of course they're going to lie to their OW too. Why wouldn't he? And, he's been good at it. During the A i'm sure you changed, you're not the same person you were before, just like him, he changed and became someone capable of totally deceiving and manipulative to get his own way.. Have his cake and eat it too. Though, the baby thing threw a loop in it all and as angry and hurt as you are at him, he has every right to change his mind.. Affairs, they mess everybody up.. Intentionally and unintentionally. I hope you're able to work through your pain and anger in a healthy way and most of all, find your own path and happiness again. Don't let him ruin you and your life.
Author lynne76 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Thanks, WWIU. I know you are right in the long run. I'm just finding NC very hard, I feel like I am going crazy without hearing from him, and it is all the harder because I know if I reach out to him, he would respond to me in a heartbeat. That makes it harder. If I knew he was strong enough not to respond, and would ignore me, the temptation to say "hi" would be less, or I think it would be. Thank you again to everyone here who has offered their support. Not having him in my life is truly debilitating in some ways. I hope I have the strength to see this through.....there are many days I think maybe I could live with being the OW if that is the best I can have from him, because I reason it is "better than nothing." It's so confusing, and I just miss him terribly, despite all the pain and the drama, it is just this utter missing, wondering how he is and if he misses me too.
RickFox Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I'll just throw it in as a male who was involved in an A. The emotional rollercoaster you're feeling is normal, been on it a while. Just understand and accept it and keep moving forward.
DCMNW Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Hi Lynne, I'm sorry for your pain. I am on day 5 of NC with my xMM after spending 7 months being "friends". After the physically affair stopped he thought the same thing your MM did, lets just be friends, end the physical part and sexual talk and everything will be fine. It was not fine. I became so emotionally attached that I lost the independent person I was before all this happened. It is excruciatingly painful to try and be friends with someone when you have such strong feelings for them and they can give you nothing of substance in return. And yes, someone said before that when they want to be friends it's all for themselves, not for you. They get to keep the family in tact at home and have you on the side to stroke their ego and make them feel wanted, fill a void. I found this to be the case and nothing physical was even going on with MM. I agree that you need your "aha" moment as someone mentioned, to stick to NC. Mine was seeing a happy, loving picture of MM with his wife days after he told me how miserable he is being with her, and is only staying for the kids. It suddenly clicked, and every time I start missing him and want to contact him, I think of that picture in my head. Please don't give in. Stay strong. It hurts so bad right now but we have to keep reminding ourselves that we have to do this if we want to move on with our lives.
Author lynne76 Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 I did the "friend" thing for the last few months as well. I did have an "aha" moment -- in fact, I've probably had 200 "aha" moments -- when I realised that my being in his life as a friend meant that he had the best (or almost the best) of both worlds. He had his wife and their future and soon-to-be adopted child(ren) together, and he had me to turn to for support and solace on his bad days, and fun and laughter and jokes on his good days. This was enabling him to not feel any void in his marriage, and thus, I was making his life and his marriage "better" while all I was getting was more attached to him. Also, I reminded him it wasn't a real friendship because he couldn't tell his wife he had me as a "friend" and I had rules with him in terms of things like I didn't want to hear too much about his wife (because it hurt) so therefore it wasn't a real friendship because he couldn't be real with me. All so complicated. Your xMM is in a different situation because it does sound like his marriage truly has issues, whereas my xMM's really doesn't have too many issues at all. It's a very strong marriage. People may poke holes in that because he cheated, but I believe that the cheating was more about human nature, about how people have big hearts and can love more than just one person, and that is what happened to him when he met me. His guard was down and so many things just took over -- physical lust, an extreme and instant mutual emotional attraction. But he has a great marriage for the most part, and I have to stay out of it and not enable him to cheat on her to any degree -- even if I'm just a friend -- anymore. It's so hard though, I've never loved a man like I love him and thinking of my future without him in it is heart wrenching, and I feel like I will always be alone because he is such an exceptional person on so many levels, it is very hard to find another man who can compare.
Thunderbolt Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 Hi, Lynne. I was wondering about you the other day. It sounds like you're doing a bit better, which is good to hear. Just keep doing your best to stay NC. Do whatever it takes to not contact him. There is no other remedy to your pain. You mentioned missing him so much and wanting to reach out to him knowing he'd respond to you. I can totally relate to this. MM and went through this for nearly 5 years. Most notably, there were a couple times when we had gone NC for about 3 months each time. One time he reached out to me and I caved in an instant and the other time it was me who reached out to him. I totally let him have it in an email. I was mean, to the point and very abrasive. I told him that I hated him. Two days later, he responded. We're both weak when it comes to each other, and after 6 months of NC I believe we still probably are. I think it's just going to take a very significant breaking point within yourself to say you've had enough. It took me a long time to get to this point. It needs to come from within. It's kind of weird, but I pray every day that he doesn't contact me. But, everyday I secretly find myself wishing he would. I'm not going to lie, I still have days when moments of weakness come over me and I try rationalizing why I should contact him. But, like DCMNW said, picture MM doing something loving or family oriented with his wife and it might snap you out of it. Trust me, I've also had thoughts of just being the OW indefinitely because I thought it was easier than being without him. I've tried it and it does not work. It hurts more than you could imagine. It's tough trying to contain your emotions. Trying to act cool while being the OW will just take it's toll on you and slowly destroy your soul. You deserve a man that will love you full time. You can do this. It will not be easy, but there will be days when you will feel very self-empowered. These days are what will keep you going strong. Do not settle for this man. Keep your chin up. I'm really glad you were able to confide in a couple friends. I eventually did this too and it's part of the reason I've been able to stay away from him. Friends can truly be a godsend.
ThisMan Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 It's so hard. Normally I would've contacted him by day 4, but this time I will not be predictable... He ask that I not contact him and so be it. But on last Sunday he acknowledge me and waited patiently for a hug. in that I will not add nor take from it as a kind gesture.. day 15 looking forward to getting thru another day.. Almost broke a few times, but I will not give him the satisfaction. Man, do I miss him!
Author lynne76 Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 I am on day 15 today as well. The last few days have been very hard. I haven't been sleeping, feeling very stressed, just wanting life to go back to "normal" -- which of course was never "normal" but in some ways, despite all the pain of the affair, at least I had someone in my life that loved and cared about me, and someone to look forward to seeing again. I have lost a lot of people in my life to death, and this feels like I've just added another one to the list. I'm grieving. Having trouble concentrating, feeling very drained, I look TERRIBLE... Sending strength to all of you who are going through this. A year from now, I hope to look back on it and see it was worth it, and not just as a year of life I spent without him.
jj33 Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Lynne I hope you are doing better. Its hard but its a question of what you want. Being in an A the question is always are you happier in the NOW than you would be without it and are you happy in terms of your long term goals. IMHO if you are unhappy now but think if you hang in there longer it will get better, thats not a good reason to stay. If you love someone and they dont love you the way you love them, or are not willing to take the actions necessary to have the type of relationship you want with them, then why are you there? Breaking away from that means pain. Just in the same way you would feel pain if you broke up with someone who was single. But staying doesnt change whether or not someone will leave to make a life with you. People dont have affairs to audition a new wife. They have affairs for a broad variety of reasons. And staying in something that doesnt meet your needs doesnt do anything good for you in the short run or the long run. Others may disagree and say I stayed it was awful but eventually he left. But if he was going to leave he would leave regardless of whether you sa there and endured a relationship that wasnt working for you. If he decides to leave his marriage at some point and you have a chance at a future together it will be there. In the meantime, you have taken a step forward for yourself and acted in your own best interest because he is doing what is best for him right now and you need to do what is best for you and not sacrifice yourself to his choices. In 2 or 3 months time this will all look a lot different.
Hazyhead Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 I agree with so much of this. Lynne, I'm sorry for your hurt. It's not quite the same but the man I was involved with in an affair had only just got his wife pregnant before embarking upon the extra-marital relationship. I didn't know it at the time, but did find out months later - when we were still involved. I was about to use the phrase 'It was like a punch in the stomach', but it wasn't, it was far worse. Dangerously, and regrettably, we continued the affair, which got more complicated and heart breaking for all involved. Fast forward to three years later: the affair has now been over for over a year, they are still separated, he still talks to me occasionally about pursuing something but (and it has taken me a while to get here) I will not engage in a relationship that doesn't fulfil me, despite my feelings for him. It's hard and lonely, but better than the affair because I know that in my life, I come first. As for him, I have said (only recently actually after him asking again) that if he divorces and is willing to put me first, defend me and commit to a healthy, honest, open relationship then I will be there. But for nothing less. In the meantime I get on win my life; filling it with friends, family and career. I have bad days, but I'm an emotionally healthier person than I was one year or two years ago. You have to choose what you want, and don't settle for any less. If he is able to go back to his marriage and patch it up, then you have to let him go. If he wants to leave his marriage then he has to do that off his own back. You deserve happiness and somebody that has our back. It's a hard, sometimes long process, but you will get there. Decide: what is best for you here? If it is life without him in it, then start putting it back together. There is no quick fix. But you can do it. Hazy x Lynne I hope you are doing better. Its hard but its a question of what you want. Being in an A the question is always are you happier in the NOW than you would be without it and are you happy in terms of your long term goals. IMHO if you are unhappy now but think if you hang in there longer it will get better, thats not a good reason to stay. If you love someone and they dont love you the way you love them, or are not willing to take the actions necessary to have the type of relationship you want with them, then why are you there? Breaking away from that means pain. Just in the same way you would feel pain if you broke up with someone who was single. But staying doesnt change whether or not someone will leave to make a life with you. People dont have affairs to audition a new wife. They have affairs for a broad variety of reasons. And staying in something that doesnt meet your needs doesnt do anything good for you in the short run or the long run. Others may disagree and say I stayed it was awful but eventually he left. But if he was going to leave he would leave regardless of whether you sa there and endured a relationship that wasnt working for you. If he decides to leave his marriage at some point and you have a chance at a future together it will be there. In the meantime, you have taken a step forward for yourself and acted in your own best interest because he is doing what is best for him right now and you need to do what is best for you and not sacrifice yourself to his choices. In 2 or 3 months time this will all look a lot different.
Author lynne76 Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. This forum can truly be a godsend at times. Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks NC, which is a huge achievement for me. I am still going through a lot of different emotions -- pain, mostly, but also sometimes such anger at my xMM sometimes. Just before I went NC, his wife talked to the press about when they first conceived their baby (since miscarried) and how it was such a miracle after years of infertility. She went on at length and of course I read it all, and it is just so hard to know those intimate details; to know that she is clueless to what was really going on when that baby was conceived; and that he let her talk to the press at all....had I *told* her about what was really going on, it would have made a fool of her in front of the world. I have a hard time grappling with these things. I have a hard time knowing that he is content to let me struggling on alone in life, and that he would never have her face a similar circumstance, because he saw how I struggle living on my own sometimes, and he didn't want to put that fate on her by being with me. He knows I will likely never become a mother, but it pained him more to know that *she* wouldn't become a mother, so he's adopting with her, to give her everything she's longed for, since he feels responsible to her and for her pain after she's tried to give him a baby all these years. All of it just can overwhelm me sometimes. The stranger part is even though these words make him look like a monster, I know he's really not. He was just trying to make two women happy for a long time, and he got worn down and the events of the past year -- some very difficult things in his life -- finally bonded him to her in a way he'd never really been invested before. None of it was personal to me, but I've taken it so so personally and I feel like my one chance at real love is gone now. I read the other day that women over 35 have a 5% chance of marrying and becoming a mother...it just gets me down sometimes. I would do anything to trade places with his wife. Anyway, I'm sticking to NC and I thank everyone for the support here, even the tough love...it all helps. Thank you. xo
Author lynne76 Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Hi, For those of you who have been the xOW to an xMM -- does it really get better? I am a month out now and while I think in some ways I am doing "better" than I was when I was IN the A, I'm still really grappling. I have behaviours I am finding difficult changing, such as stalking the internet for more press/photos on my xMM and everytime I see something, a photo or a comment, with his W in it, I just crumble even further. I know there is something called LeechBlock on the internet to stop you from seeing certain websites, but honestly this man is so well-known that there is no way I can avoid him on the internet, on TV, the paper...how do I reprogram my brain to stop being curious about him and then to stop hurting so much when I see photos of him and his wife, looking so happy? I'm really worn down by this process. I try to be as "zen" as possible, I have wonderful girlfriends that have been SO supportive, but regardless, there is a part of me that just wants to contact him and tell him how hard things are....because I know he would get back with me in a heartbeat if I wanted him to. He would fly across the country if I asked him to. Is there an average length of time that it takes to feel better? I don't have any $$ for councelling/therapy so I am just stuck with books and websites that have advice, and my friends. I feel like I am going to be in love with this man forever. It's never something -- this sort of burden -- that I thought I would have in my life. I always "assumed" I would be one of the people who made healthy choices and was thus rewarded with a healthy relationship, like so many of my married girlfriends. And here I am....35 with no romantic prospects in sight (which is fine as I know I am a big mess) and just this feeling like I've destroyed my life and I am one of those people who make for a great novel because I've had this passionate love with a man and a kind of love many only dream of (minus the marriage of course) but while it is entertaining in a Harelequin romance kind of way, it's so draining in a real-life kind of way. Any advice from the veterans of surviving an affair and coming out of it stronger, better, and finding love after it would be so so helpful. Thank you.
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