lynne76 Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Some of you will recognize my name here, others won't. It's a long drawn out story that I'll spare you for the time being if you don't already know it. Anyway, I'm just posting so I can say that I am going -- again -- NC. Today is day 1. I think I might need help sticking to it. Anyone who has gone through NC all the while feeling so heartbroken, so almost suicidal (but not *really*, it is just a way to describe the hopeless feeling), please post to me and tell me how you got through it. I can't do the rah-rah female power thing right now, I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm worn down. I truly love this man and letting him go, while I know it is the right thing in the long run, feels like I am mutilating my very soul. I'm so so heartbroken. Please tell me it gets better. I can't imagine a long life without him in it, a life where I can't touch him again. How do you go through life always loving a person you can't have? How can I be with another man if I have my heart set on my MM? I don't want to be alone, but no man I've ever met or ever will meet, will measure up to him. I wish I could change my heart, my head, but I've been trying for a year and half and if anything I just have fallen more deeply in love with him every day. This is awful. It's an awful fate to have.
Silly_Girl Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Oh my goodness. It's so hard. It really is so hard. All you can do is be gentle on yourself. I couldn't do the 'I am so lucky to be off the prat' thing when it was my turn to go NC. I had some basics that I tried to stick to... Such as having contact with my 2 best friends daily, even if just a text. I tried to leave the house every day. I chose to do things that occupied my mind, mindless stuff like addictive games on my phone and jigsaw puzzles, sometimes I could go even a few minutes without being awash with emotion. And I watched box sets of my favourite comedies, don't think I laughed but hey! I didn't cry either I think it's good not to have any grand expectations, or big deadlines. If you're getting showered, eating sometimes, getting fresh air and in touch with friends and family that's all good. No other man will tempt you for a while, it's the distance from MM you need. And only time can give you that.
Author lynne76 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Posted October 29, 2011 Thanks Silly Girl. For me, the hardest thing is sleeping at night -- I get so upset and have existential worries that I will be alone forever more in my life without him. Then I don't sleep and have to make it through long work days looking terrible, red eyes, always on the verge of tears. It's so hard. I hate it.
SunsetRed Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 I feel where you're coming from. I'm going thru NC AGAIN as well. I am very heartbroken and when I started feeling suicidal, I got on meds. Prozac is currently helping me keep NC and focus on other aspects of my life. I'm like you..I feel like MM was the ONE. Why do I feel this way? How can I feel like he's the One and no one else will compare when he is someone who threw me under the bus so fast. One thing that helps me keep NC is that I know that breaking NC will solve nothing and I'll only lose even more of my dignity and the pain will be even more drawn out. I'm already on meds, what's next..the psych ward? I could see where another round with him would totally destroy me, so I've got to do NC and save myself. Keep us posted with how you're doing.
woinlove Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 There's another thread about OW using medications to help during the "withdrawal" period. You mention not sleeping. Your doctor could really help with that. If you get proper rest, it can make a big difference. That, and the suggestions of SG and SR. Lots of good tips there. One thing about your earlier posts which always struck me is how you seem to put MM up on a pedestal and downplay the way he behaves while trying to have a child. I wonder if that makes it more difficult for you. Maybe trying to look at him in a more realistic light would ultimately help you. While you view him as a dream man, it will always seem that a real man won't compare.
Gentlegirl Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Reading your post brought back a lot of memories of ealy NC days. MY heart is hurting for you Lynne. I felt all those emotions and had the very same thoughts. I contemplated suicide at one stage also. It would be good if we could have instant recovery, like instant coffee...YOu know it doesn't work like that. It takes time to heal and distance between you and xMM for you to gain some kind of clarity. I would also think about seeing your doctor. Lack of sleep is very unhealthy and can increase your present distress. Don't leave it too long to seek help. Medication can really help you through that first dreadful time of NC. GG
Author lynne76 Posted October 30, 2011 Author Posted October 30, 2011 How did all of you deal with the existential side of being in your affairs? For me, I was just so sure (am just so sure) that he is exactly the right man for me. I feel like I'm now waiting for something to happen in his marriage, even if it takes another ten or twenty years. Which is crazy, I know, but I feel like he and i were meant to meet, are meant to share the connection that we do. How do you adjust your thinking from "he is my soulmate" to "he wasn't the one"? It is true that I have put him on a pedestal, but that is a complicated thing because all of America, Canada, England...they all put him on that pedestal and he actually deserves it, for a long list of reasons. He's a spectacular human being and anyone who knows him loves him deeply. What happened with him and I...it was a common, human mistake. He had always been a great husband to his wife, he's an even greater husband to her now. The contact with me has mostly been about him just making sure I am going to be okay, he loves me too, it happens, sometimes people love more than one person. He can't be with me, he's moving forward with his life with his wife, she wants to adopt children and he doesn't want her to not have that in her life. Were he to leave her now, the chances she could do it alone or find another man and sort all of that all out with a new person are slim. And he so badly wants a new chapter in his life, the chance to be a dad. He can't deny his wife this, or himself...I understand it. It's why I have gone NC for good now. But underneath all of it, is just this very deep, spiritual, human love for one another. We both hurt, though I hurt more because at the end of the day, he has her. He has her if he gets sick, he'll have her in his old age...he'll have their kids. And I have nobody. I kept up contact all these months because it is just so nice to be loved and cared about, even if from so far away.
Thunderbolt Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Lynne, I know exactly how you're feeling right now. I've been in NC for 5.5 months after being in a 3+ year A. We were together for 3 and have been in LC for the last 2. So, he's been in my life for a total of 5 years. We have tried NC countless times, but this time it HAS to stick. Like you, I thought we were soul mates. We traveled the world together and had so many amazing moments. I couldn't understand how two people with such an amazing connection could not be together. At the end of the day, it just wasn't meant to be. It's taken me a long time to accept this, but now that I have, things have been a lot easier for me. MM left his marital home for 3 months, 2 years ago. He went back and I thought I was going to die. The pain was so deep, I never thought I'd recover from the loss. Have I recovered completely? No. But I'm in a much better place than I was then. The only advice I can give you is to allow time to pass by. Don't contact him. Even after MM moved back home, we still had some contact. This contact shredded my soul. Every time I would progress, one of us would break NC and I was knocked back down for the count. I think I finally got to the point of being sick and tired of feeling ****ty. I realized that this wasn't the way I should feel with the person I'm supposedly so in love with. The final piece for me came a couple months ago. I began dating someone who was divorced with a young child. He had her 50% of the time. Our relationship progressed to the point of me meeting her. She is so messed up due to her parents being divorced. She's very disobedient and often made comments about wanting to be a family. It hit me like a ton of bricks. How could I have expected xMM to leave his children. One of his kids in particular would cry and beg him not to leave when he was not living in the family home for a period of time. Kids need their parents to be together, especially if the marriage isn't terrible. I finally understand why he had to stay. My parents divorced when I was young and all I ever wanted was to have a cohesive family. I was always jealous of my friends who had both parents. 5.5 months later, I still have good days and bad days. But I'm finally certain of one thing, I can never go back and never contact him again. I'm doing this for everyone involved. I have no right helping him cheat on his wife. I still miss the hell out of him every day, but it wasn't meant to be. I have to accept it and move on. I'm not sure if any of this has helped you, but hope that one day soon you'll have the same revelations that I've had. It's not easy getting through this. You will hurt for a while. But if you hang in there, it will get better. Some days, you may just be going through the motions just to get through the day. This is okay, because there will be better days ahead. I know how much you're hurting, it will get better as long as you eliminate him from your life. Good luck...
Thunderbolt Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Lynne, I know exactly how you're feeling right now. I've been in NC for 5.5 months after being in a 3+ year A. We were together for 3 and have been in LC for the last 2. So, he's been in my life for a total of 5 years. We have tried NC countless times, but this time it HAS to stick. Like you, I thought we were soul mates. We traveled the world together and had so many amazing moments. I couldn't understand how two people with such an amazing connection could not be together. At the end of the day, it just wasn't meant to be. It's taken me a long time to accept this, but now that I have, things have been a lot easier for me. MM left his marital home for 3 months, 2 years ago. He went back and I thought I was going to die. The pain was so deep, I never thought I'd recover from the loss. Have I recovered completely? No. But I'm in a much better place than I was then. The only advice I can give you is to allow time to pass by. Don't contact him. Even after MM moved back home, we still had some contact. This contact shredded my soul. Every time I would progress, one of us would break NC and I was knocked back down for the count. I think I finally got to the point of being sick and tired of feeling ****ty. I realized that this wasn't the way I should feel with the person I'm supposedly so in love with. The final piece for me came a couple months ago. I began dating someone who was divorced with a young child. He had her 50% of the time. Our relationship progressed to the point of me meeting her. She is so messed up due to her parents being divorced. She's very disobedient and often made comments about wanting to be a family. It hit me like a ton of bricks. How could I have expected xMM to leave his children. One of his kids in particular would cry and beg him not to leave when he was not living in the family home for a period of time. Kids need their parents to be together, especially if the marriage isn't terrible. I finally understand why he had to stay. My parents divorced when I was young and all I ever wanted was to have a cohesive family. I was always jealous of my friends who had both parents. 5.5 months later, I still have good days and bad days. But I'm finally certain of one thing, I can never go back and never contact him again. I'm doing this for everyone involved. I have no right helping him cheat on his wife. I still miss the hell out of him every day, but it wasn't meant to be. I have to accept it and move on. I'm not sure if any of this has helped you, but hope that one day soon you'll have the same revelations that I've had. It's not easy getting through this. You will hurt for a while. But if you hang in there, it will get better. Some days, you may just be going through the motions just to get through the day. This is okay, because there will be better days ahead. I know how much you're hurting, it will get better as long as you eliminate him from your life. Good luck...
Tenacity Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Some of you will recognize my name here, others won't. It's a long drawn out story that I'll spare you for the time being if you don't already know it. Anyway, I'm just posting so I can say that I am going -- again -- NC. Today is day 1. I think I might need help sticking to it. Anyone who has gone through NC all the while feeling so heartbroken, so almost suicidal (but not *really*, it is just a way to describe the hopeless feeling), please post to me and tell me how you got through it. I can't do the rah-rah female power thing right now, I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm worn down. I truly love this man and letting him go, while I know it is the right thing in the long run, feels like I am mutilating my very soul. I'm so so heartbroken. Please tell me it gets better. I can't imagine a long life without him in it, a life where I can't touch him again. How do you go through life always loving a person you can't have? How can I be with another man if I have my heart set on my MM? I don't want to be alone, but no man I've ever met or ever will meet, will measure up to him. I wish I could change my heart, my head, but I've been trying for a year and half and if anything I just have fallen more deeply in love with him every day. This is awful. It's an awful fate to have. I so, so, so.... SO know how you feel. I could have written this. It will be hell to get through NC, but you have to do it minute by minute if that's what it takes. You have to break down the time into increments that you can handle. Not: 'I will get through this day without contacting him' but instead: 'I will get through the next hour without contacting him'. Or 'minute'! If it takes that level of timeline breakdown for awhile, then it does. I so totally understand what you are saying about how awful it is to have your one true love in life be someone who is not available to be yours. I totally understand how you feel that you will never find anyone else who measures up. You took the words right out of my mouth. I don't have an answer, but just know that others totally understand how you feel. I do.
Gentlegirl Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 lynne76, I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Please reach out to a professional to get you over this hump. You said it yourself, you've got to let this man go and you must stop yourself from loving him. It will take time, but it is something that MUST be done. I know you don't want to live the rest of your life in misery because that would be a sad waste of your love and your life to live in a self imposed prison of your own making. I realize you feel powerless right now but with the passing of time, you can heal and be whole again but you have to put the wheels in motion by realizing that the mind is a very powerful thing. You can let go and you can move on and you can love again. In order to start this in motion you have to remove the source of the pain, there is no way around it and yes it hurts like hell but you are stronger than you realize. Hugs! Kudos to you. What a fabulous, emapthetic post, sending a message of hope and support. GG
sad puppy Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 For you, please read - good luck!! http://tinybuddha.com/blog/let-go-of-control-how-to-learn-the-art-of-surrender/
Author lynne76 Posted October 30, 2011 Author Posted October 30, 2011 Thank you to everyone who has responded to me. It means so much to me to have this safe place where I can go to for advice and to share my feelings. Today has been so hard, and I should maybe not admit it, but I sent him another email. I was careful to ask him to not respond to it, and he hasn't yet and I don't think he will, but I just had more on my mind. I feel like as long as I don't hear from him, I can still count today as day two of no contact. Although I know my reaching out to him has to stop. The problem is that he loves hearing from me, even when I'm so sad...it makes us feel close to one another to console each other. I know he is finding all of this hard, too. But I had explained to him that he just can't respond to me or try to say goodbye to me, because it sends me to the bottom of the well. Thunderbolt, I can't believe you had 5 years and had to let that go. I am so sorry. It sounds like you are doing amazing, you are an inspiration to me. Can I ask how old you are? Everyone else is offering such good advice. I'm not ready to do meds -- that isn't me judging anyone on them, not at all, I know how useful they are -- it's just I don't tolerate any medications very well, not even advil or tylenol. I hope I can find the other side of this without them if I can. I have been to this place before, at different times in the last year and a half where I have tried to say goodbye to him. I don't think either of us can quite believe it, that this is where things ended up. I think we were both expecting by some miracle we'd at least be able to be in touch with one another, that I'd be able to handle that. I really tried, but knowing so much about his life right now was killing me. He's such a public figure, I see photos of them both all the time, things like that...I hate to say it, but they even look perfect together. And now with them adopting....it's going to go really fast I think. He can afford to pay fees to get a child fairly quickly. It's all so heavy for me, I honestly thought that I'd be the one to have his baby. Crazy, I know, but I believed it. So now, unlike a biological child, they might have one before even 9 months are up. I have to get used to it so fast and I'm hurting. He believes that any issues he has in his marriage will be healed by a child...like it will make him closer to his wife and more invested in the marriage, like it will ensure he never strays with me again because he wouldn't risk doing that to a kid. I guess he is probably right. Anyway, I'm just venting. I'm so sad and in so much pain. I keep thinking of more things to tell him...aside from missing my love, I just miss my best friend. He and I went through a lot this year, including a very traumatic loss for him (a friend unexpectedly died, his very very very close friend) on the same anniversary of the death of my own brother. So we have felt very bonded because walked him through grieving and was so there for him (his wife was too but she has no experience with death and she wasn't able to help him and didn't understand his pain at all), and he's still grieving, and now when the anniversary comes around next year, we won't be able to hold each other. I miss him terribly.
Author lynne76 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Do any of you fantasize about telling the W, even if you are in NC and moving forward? Sometimes in my dark, upset moments, I still wonder if she should know. I feel like I carry this secret for him so HE can have a good life, a great marriage, children, and I get nothing in return. I know that is the nature of Affairs, but it seems so unfair. I sometimes wonder if I should tell his wife. It makes me feel like an evil person to think that way...I guess I sometimes think there must be things in their marriage that aren't great if he fell for me like he did and sometimes I just want her to know, to be told, that her life -- and her man -- aren't perfect like she thinks. Like I know so much more about the truth of her husband than she does and I hate that the world thinks they have this perfect life when to some extent they obviously don't. I'm just venting, but I wonder if any of you ever feel this way? And how do I deal with life if he suddenly dies...how do I grieve for him when I'm not "allowed" to? I am so used to people dying in my life, that I think about it all the time. How do I grieve when I can't even go to the funeral? It's an awful thought for me.
Thunderbolt Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Lynne...to answer your question, I'm in my early 30's. And, I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your brother. Thankfully, I've never had to endure the loss of someone so closely related to me. My thoughts go out to you... IMHO, if you feel like you should seek professional help, and/or seek out prescription assistance, then do so. But, if you feel like you might have it in you to find a resolution on your own, I strongly advocate this avenue. Like you, I hate using anything as subtle as tylenol or anything else of this nature. It's always a last resort. I appreciated your comment about wanting to keep it natural. There were times when I was sure I needed antidepressants/ant-anxiety meds but pushed through the pain and faced it head on. I promise you, this will get better. Like you, I always wanted to find a way to contact him (even when I knew I shoudn't)...because I knew that we were always aching for each other. Anytime I was the one to cave in, he would always respond back and we'd be back in each other's arms. But, as time went on, it was more and more short-lived. No matter how much you read on this forum, you will never make a definitive decision to cut him from your life until you are ready. Some of the stories/advice you read may influence you, but you need to reach a point where you're just tired of being stuck at a certain point in your life. There is honestly an "ah-ha" moment. It might be something you read here, something you read in the newspaper (pretty sure I'm the only person on this planet that still reads the newspaper), a portion of a movie you witness, a story you hear or some song lyrics you analyze. At any rate, it's so damn easy to keep falling into what feels comfortable; the friendship, warmth and love of MM. But, at the end of the day, you can't have him. And, it's all on him. Move on. It sucks every day, for a while. The biggest FU you can give him is to move on with your life. That won't happen tomorrow. But, if you dig deep and push through the days, it will happen with time. There's no magic cure. The silver lining I've found in all of this is that I'm a much more diversified person. I've learned way more about myself than I've ever expected or wanted to learn. Deal with the cards we've been dealt. This isn't the way I expected my life to veer, but I'm making the best of it. Life is okay. It could be way worse. Let MM deal with his own life, progress yours Hang in there, be tough...I promise that it will get better in time. You seem cut out for this. BTW, how old are you?
Thunderbolt Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 P.S., Don't tell the BS about what has happened. That's his deal. If he wants to keep it a secret for the rest of his life, that' something he has to deal with. I feel like telling the BS is a way to get back at him. We've all made our own decisions to engage in this. Imagine being in her shoes. If I were her, it would be horrifying being told all of the details by a complete stranger. Yes, as a WS, it is very deceitful to never inform your BS of what has happened, but it is not your problem. Wipe your slate clean. Worry about making your life better. Instead of finding ways to be revengeful, put that energy into making your life better. Don't feel bad, I had the same question of wanting to tell his W. At the end of the day, it won't make a difference. If anything, you'll only be F'ing up another person's life. I truly don't think it would make you feel better. He will only hate you for it. I'd rather move on knowing that there is still love.
Gentlegirl Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 P.S., Don't tell the BS about what has happened. That's his deal. If he wants to keep it a secret for the rest of his life, that' something he has to deal with. I feel like telling the BS is a way to get back at him. We've all made our own decisions to engage in this. Imagine being in her shoes. If I were her, it would be horrifying being told all of the details by a complete stranger. Yes, as a WS, it is very deceitful to never inform your BS of what has happened, but it is not your problem. Wipe your slate clean. Worry about making your life better. Instead of finding ways to be revengeful, put that energy into making your life better. Don't feel bad, I had the same question of wanting to tell his W. At the end of the day, it won't make a difference. If anything, you'll only be F'ing up another person's life. I truly don't think it would make you feel better. He will only hate you for it. I'd rather move on knowing that there is still love. I thought about telling the W earlier in NC. I have to say it was because I was feeling devestated and abondoned by him, while he went back to his lovely life. I feel it would be very destructive and hurtful to her. If he didn't tell her then I am not going to ruin her illusions about him. Maybe she doesn't have illusions anyway... who knows? All water under the bridge now. DID I ACTUALLY WRITE THE ABOVE????? Must be feeling a lot better. GG
Author lynne76 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Hi Thunderbolt and Gentle Girl, You are both giving me such good advice, thank you. I am really struggling with this loss. I have "broken up" with men before, including a man I lived with for 7 years, but this is undoubtedbly the hardest breakup I have ever gone though. The pain is overwhelming and so bewildering. I tried to add up the number of days of work I have missed over the past year because of this affair -- sometimes it was all so debilitating I just couldn't go to work -- and I lost count. It's confusing because I start to think there is something mentally wrong with me, but I know there's not, I mean, there wasn't before I met him. There was A LOT of grief in my life from my brother's death, but it was this man who brought me back to life, we fell in love so quickly and strongly and it was so life affirming. He's my best friend and it's just bizzare I can't reach out to him anymore. Even for just the fun stuff, the little things we shared to brighten one another's days...jokes, phone calls, letting one another know that they are so missed. He wrote me another email last night, he keeps begging me not to do this. He thinks that if we aren't seeing one another physically and we aren't being "dirty" on email or something, than it should be okay. But for me, anytime he casually says something even innocently, like a movie he saw or something he did the night before, I know he was doing it with his wife, not me, and it hurts. Is that crazy? Should I be able to be more removed and unemotional and just be grateful to have him in my life as a friend? To this point, I was telling myself that having him in my life even a little bit was better than nothing. And then last week there were more photos of them together in the media and I cracked again, my jealousy and feeling that the world is unfair over took me and I told myself I had to disappear on him. Thunderbolt, I am 34. And like you, I never expected my life to veer in this direction. It's hard being single for years and years, as I was before I met him, and I was so tired of single men that were "players" and generally "single for a reason"...I'd given up on love or even finding a man that I had chemisty with, and then BANG I met this man and it was instant. For him too. Neither of us have ever shared a closeness like this with anyone. He was more himself with me, he says, than he has ever been with his wife. I guess because I know this other side of him, a side of him that exists. Anyway, I'm rambling. Thank you so much for reminding me not to tell her. I'm going to need that over the next little while. I guess I'm back to today as Day 1 of NC. I hope that I can do it, I'm not sure if I can.
missy268 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 It's absolutely heartbreaking isn't it! I know how you feel - i fell in love with my "best friend" we had an affair as his relationship with his girlfriend, who is now his ex apparently (shes moved out anyways but as for them being split i dont think they are i think hes going to go back) Hes been texting me all weekend, ive not seen him for 2 1/2 weeks and he said hes off work, so i asked him to come and see me the reply "ive got stuff to do now, speak to you later x" I know its a hard time for him at the moment, hes broken up with his girlfriend and i think hes realised what he's done, but if he goes back it will never stop him frm doing it again - i used to think i was the weakness, but part of me wonders if hes not as genuine as i am! I dont know how im going to carry on without him as daft as it sounds, we went 3 weeks without no contact and it killed me it really did i missed him so much, but maybe its giong to take more than 3 weeks to get through this, and maybe i should leave it to fate, whatever will be, will be, if he's meant to be with me, in time, he will be, but i cant wait for him - but i cant stop loving him either it really is hard. as for telling the girlfriend - well his ex girlfriend, i really have wanted to, ive written her a letter and its in an envelope under my bed, and that was my way of telling her - without actually doing it! I feel as though im letting go of something that was meant to be, but i dnt know i also feel as though he used me and i dont even know if time will take the pain away - because me and him have been going round in this circle for 18 months. he disappears, then he comes back time and time again, but the past 3 months is the first time we ever got physical. I know theres no advice there, but i know how you feel! Gotta decide if i wanna go NC again now! i just feel like im chucking away opportunities! x x
Author lynne76 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 So I found out they are adopting. And because he is wealthy and connected, he'll probably get one very shortly. When they were pregnant naturally, I dumbly comforted myself with the fact that it wouldn't all be roses. That he would have to cope with her pregnancy (high risk) and hormones and baby weight and sore nipples and all of that. But this is different. She keeps her perfect figure, they will never lose sleep because they can afford a night nurse, they are both hardly working so they can always be home enjoying the baby but having a nanny too so they can have freedom in their lives.....meanwhile, I make a very very low to middle class living, I scrimp and save, I work 50-60 hours a week....He has his parents in his life still -- I lost my father years ago and then my brother a few years ago. He has everything in his life and I have nothing, and the worst part is, I know how great a dad he will be, I know how much he wants this. I just wish he could have wanted it with me. I'm venting again, I'm just so sad and tired.
Author lynne76 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 Do children make everything in a relationship "better"? I dont have kids so I have no idea about this...I just feel like it will bond them together forever in a way I can never compete with. Are adopted kids "easier" than other kids, because the couple doesn't go through pregnancy? I know these questions sound terrible, I'm just distraught about everything.
SBC Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 (edited) .....meanwhile, I make a very very low to middle class living, I scrimp and save, I work 50-60 hours a week....He has his parents in his life still -- I lost my father years ago and then my brother a few years ago. He has everything in his life and I have nothing, and the worst part is, I know how great a dad he will be, I know how much he wants this. I just wish he could have wanted it with me. I'm venting again, I'm just so sad and tired. STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! I am sorry Lynne, but I am gonna do a smack down on you here. This is poor poor me talk and you are starting to convince yourself that it is true and you MUST stop it now! I am not suggesting that you run around and pretend that everything is unicorns and roses, but all you are doing is trashing yourself and it is not a good thing. it is very unbecoming. Stop comparing your life to theirs --it is not healthy. Especially because you are automatically comparing your crap to their roses. You dont know all the crap they are going through. For all you know, adopting is just a desperate last grab at saving their marriage. Who knows? But more importantly, who cares?! And you dont know how great a dad he is going to be --for all you really know, the kid will be raised by nannies. Whoopy ding! Come on! Before you can start rebuilding your life, you must stop living in theirs. There is beauty and there are miracles happening all around you all the time, but you are so set on seeing the bad stuff that you are missing it all. Find something/anything positive in your life today. One little thing that makes you happy and nurture it. If you feel thoughts of him creeping in, acknowledge it, and then send it on its way --then get back to nurturing the little thing in your life that is good. A colorful and fulfilling life is NOT easy. Someone on here, on another thread said that is shouldn't be difficult. Bullcrap --a good life takes effort. You have to want it, and you have to work for it. No one is guaranteed a great life. But one thing is guaranteed, if you sit around feeling sorry for yourself and comparing yourself to someone else, you will have a crappy life. The choice is yours. When in hell, it is best to keep walking. Edited November 1, 2011 by SBC
Author lynne76 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 I really am grateful for the things I have in my life, I guess it is just hard. I really love this man, I would have given anything to be a parent and a partner with him, and instead she is the one that gets to. I understand she met him years before me and they have a history. I understand that were he to leave her and be with me, that process could take ages (he'd have to marry me as I am not American and couldn't live or work there without that) and the fall out from his divorce would be long, dragged out, and likely unbearable on many levels. I understand his wife is not cut out for the single life -- she's never worked since she met him, she has very few friends or social ties outside of him -- I understand that their adopting means a child that may otherwise not have found a home will have found an amazing one. I understand all of those things intellectually, but my loss is palpable to me. He and I were/are closer than I can explain and we've been through something so important to us both together. And now I have to keep his life intact by not telling his secret of his affair (she would leave him if she found out, he's convinced) so that he can be a father and have a family. It feels like profound sacrifice on some levels, for when I met him and got involved with him, his marriage was very shakey, I thought I/we had a chance. My life has been turned upside down by him for millions of reasons I have not detailed here, and it's just hard. I'm just jealous of his wife. She gets her dream of having a family with him and I do not. It just hurts, I'm sorry. I know I don't sound grateful for my health, my home, those things, I really am....but I'm also just sad. I fell very much in love and believed he would be with me and I'm having trouble letting go. It is only day 2, please go easy on me.
SBC Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 (edited) I get being sad, but be sad in your own context --not in comparison to them, and especially her. In my mind, being sad is not a bad thing, it is just a thing and that it is OK to be sad. We spend our lives running from being sad, and feel that "being happy" is some special place that we will arrive at if only the right set of circumstance were to come along, but this is not true. It does not work that way --it is why the constitution of the united states says, Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. So, be sad for a while. Be sad that things in your life are not as you want them to be and that you wish things were different. But don't be specific about what you wish was different. Instead of saying, I wish my life were different with him in it --what you really want is someone in your life to love. If you start to take his face off of the face of love, you will start to feel better. But don't be jealous. Your mind can make up all sorts of fantastical things about how wonderful their lives are --and likely, your vision is not even close to the reality. You have to stop pretending that she is the lucky one and you are the loser --again, there are no winners and losers. And really hold tight to all of the good things in your life. Your health, your home --these things are real. They exist. Take care of them, they will help you get back on your feet romantically. Focus on them. And if I sound like I am being hard@ssed, I apologize. But, when someone in my life got hard@ssed on me last year, it is when I started healing. All the "oh honeys, it will be better soon" got me no where, but more stuck in my self pity and misery. So, I really am trying to help you with exactly what helped me. Edited November 1, 2011 by SBC
Thunderbolt Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 SBC has given you some sound advice, Lynne. I know how tough it is right now. You're right at the beginning of the breakup. You need to completely disconnect from him. I think the main thing that prevents me from contacting xMM is that I don't want to know what's going on in his life. Perhaps it's not going well, but it's possible that he has completely repaired his marriage. I want him to be happy in life, but I do not want to know the details. Whenever I think about it from this angle, it immediately puts a damper on wanting to contact him. There are a lot of things to be grateful for, no matter how large or small. Focus on these right now, not MM. Like SBC said, comparing your life to there's will drive you crazy (perhaps literally). At this point in time, thoughts of MM are NOT going to make you feel better. Do not contact him. He's made a choice to adopt a child with his wife. This is not something people do without putting a lot of thought into it. I'm certain that he fell in love with you, but he still loves his wife if they're both willing to adopt. Walk away and don't look back. We'll help you get through this, but you do need to change your ways of thinking. It's okay to be utterly sad for a while. Grieve, but then decide for yourself that it's better to just move on. Hang in there, like I keep saying, I promise it will get better.
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