They choose her over me

[xpaperxcutx]

Hey guys, I'm back. I've been so busy with work and school that I had to seek my long- term break from LS. At least I can say I'm not as addicted to LS as I used to be

 

It's been close to 8 months since I last dated ( and did the hanky panky ). My schedule hadn't allowed me the time to devote my attention to one particular person and I didn't want to just date random people and waste my time. So I focused all my attention on my job ( of which I enjoy very much) and occasionally spend my off- days with my friends or take care of my dog ( he recently turned one!).

 

Over the summer I got back into contact with a friend I used to know and we've been reconnecting alot. She was and still is a very close friend, even though sometimes she does things I completely disagree with. But that aside, we have great night adventures together, as she becomes my wingwoman and I, hers.

 

We have different tastes in men- she prefers Asian and non- white guys while I lean more towards Caucasian and Hispanic. She has said before she doesn't particularly find Caucasian men attractive as most of her exes and guy friends are Asian, hence the chances of us liking the same guy becomes void. However this non- problem has since became a problem.

 

Recently I noticed the men I go for seemed to bypass me completely to make a beeline for my friend. They may talk to me and flirt with me, but somehow at the end of the night, they would prefer to ask for her number over mine. Now, I know it's silly to be jealous of my friend over a random guy, but this problem has been occurring more and more often.

 

Please don't make fun of me when I say that my self-confidence has taken a sharp nose dive, but I can't help wondering what does my friend have that makes guys fall for her. I mean I work out, I dress pretty, and I make sure I always look my best. In contrast my friend, is the quiet type ( at least until the party starts) and she dresses more down-to- earth and laid back. She rarely wears makeup and when she does, she goes for the simple mascara and eyeliner.

 

When I compare myself to her, the only advantage she has over me is height.

 

Is it normal for me to be jealous? I realize that being a good friend should mean that I should think bad about my friend but I notice more and more I hang out with her the more uncomfortable I am around her. I can almost say I hate her.

Edited October 29, 2011 by xpaperxcutx

[Emilia]

Men care less about how fashionably you dress than you realise. They also tend to like fresh faced women. Mascara is usually enough. It sounds like your friend is naturally pretty and has enough confidence to dress simply. Maybe she has a good sense of humour. In my experience men rate natural looks and a decent conversation highly

[Nexus One]

Hey Papercut, long time no see.

 

It sounds like she can't help it that guys are asking her for her number. She's also not into white and Hispanic guys, so she probably doesn't even know what to do with those phone numbers. I don't think it's just to hate her for it, it's out of her control.

[blondike]

Are you sure your friend has nothing else going for her except she is taller than you? Maybe she is naturally pretty.

 

It is sad that her desirability is ruining your friendship because she can't help that the men prefer her.

[xpaperxcutx]

Men care less about how fashionably you dress than you realise. They also tend to like fresh faced women. Mascara is usually enough. It sounds like your friend is naturally pretty and has enough confidence to dress simply. Maybe she has a good sense of humour. In my experience men rate natural looks and a decent conversation highly

 

She is very pretty considering she's half Korean and Japanese. And she has a very likeable personality: she can get along better with guys than girls so much so that most of her friends are guys.

 

Since you brought it up, what do men look for in women? I'm so out of loop with the opposite nowadays, I think I need to go back and do a Dating 101 class.

[xpaperxcutx]

Hey Papercut, long time no see.

 

It sounds like she can't help it that guys are asking her for her number. She's also not into white and Hispanic guys, so she probably doesn't even know what to do with those phone numbers. I don't think it's just to hate her for it, it's out of her control.

 

Hey Nexus, I see you're as Silver as ever

 

I swear, I really, really care for this girl, and hating her for something that's out of control makes me feel horrible as a person. As someone who has been trying to live positively this past year, my recent feelings has caused me grief, if not also feeling a little depressed. Not about her, but about my confidence as a woman. I also realized this has something to do with my tendency to criticize myself so much that not only am I turning the hatred inward but I'm also directing it at her.

[Fondue]

I think it's a combination of things that make her more approachable than you.

 

The few things that stand out to me is that, like you said, she dresses more casual and uses less makeup. This makes her much approachable in my eyes because she doesn't seem as high maintenance and more simple.

 

If there was a pair of women standing side by side, one wearing a gorgeous red dress that just conforms to her body and shape, showing off her assets with her hair and make up done to make it look like she spent 2 hours on, and a woman who dresses more casual, with maybe jeans or a skirt and a nice blouse that makes her look pretty, with some light make-up on, I would be more inclined to approach the simpler looking one (yet possibly gawk at the more "stunning" one).

 

All that, and maybe just 'cause she's Asian. Many men have "yellow-fever." I used to have it bad, but I grew out of it. Now I like the Indian girls .

[Professor X]

Are you asian? If not, than you already got here a major difference in looks, something more than just height.

 

That being said, you did mention that you are being hit on just as much as she does, but at the end of the day/night they choose her.

I'd say something goes wrong during the flirtation phase that makes the men backpedal away from you and towards them.

Maybe your people skill isn't as good as you think?

 

P.S. Emilia is also right.

[leninjapirate]

Here's an idea: maybe they go for her precisely BECAUSE you're trying to get their attention and she could care less. That's pretty appealing to most guys.

 

Have you said anything to her about this? If I was in your situation I'd probably make a social experiment out of it I'd bring it up with her, - not in an accusatory or upset sort of way, but in a friendly, jokey sort of way, - and see if she was willing to 'swop roles' for a night. Subtly find a guy or two that you'd normally go for, and have her act like you'd normally act with them, while you act like she'd normally act. You could even have a night were you get ready together and you each style the other and see if that changes anything. It could be down to behaviour or appearance or both.

 

It isn't scientific or anything, but it could give you some great insight! And if they still ask for her number and not yours, then try not to be so jealous about it. She's your friend, and she isn't trying to get these guys' attention. Ask her for tips! Or ask mutual guy friends what they like most about her. See if there's something you can emulate and at least learn from this.

 

Some other ideas would be to try not approaching anyone and see who comes to you, or else, if it's really getting you down, maybe you just need to involve some more friends, or only try get with guys on nights out with your other friends.

 

All the best!

[Professor X]

backpedal away from you and towards HER.

 

Had a typo there.

[tigressA]

Here's an idea: maybe they go for her precisely BECAUSE you're trying to get their attention and she could care less. That's pretty appealing to most guys.

 

Have you said anything to her about this? If I was in your situation I'd probably make a social experiment out of it I'd bring it up with her, - not in an accusatory or upset sort of way, but in a friendly, jokey sort of way, - and see if she was willing to 'swop roles' for a night. Subtly find a guy or two that you'd normally go for, and have her act like you'd normally act with them, while you act like she'd normally act. You could even have a night were you get ready together and you each style the other and see if that changes anything. It could be down to behaviour or appearance or both.

 

It isn't scientific or anything, but it could give you some great insight! And if they still ask for her number and not yours, then try not to be so jealous about it. She's your friend, and she isn't trying to get these guys' attention. Ask her for tips! Or ask mutual guy friends what they like most about her. See if there's something you can emulate and at least learn from this.

 

Some other ideas would be to try not approaching anyone and see who comes to you, or else, if it's really getting you down, maybe you just need to involve some more friends, or only try get with guys on nights out with your other friends.

 

All the best!

 

This is great advice! I second all of it.

[Star Gazer]

Good to see you, Paper! And even better to see you've been doing well, even sans dating! You sound much more...together.

 

Here's an idea: maybe they go for her precisely BECAUSE you're trying to get their attention and she could care less. That's pretty appealing to most guys.

 

That could be it, Paper.

 

Or it could be that for just the guys you've happened to come across, they find your friend to have that je ne sais quoi for them.

 

I had a friend just like yours in law school and afterward. She was pretty, outgoing, smart, big bright smile, fit body, great career - that is, everything I had too - and we also had the same physical characteristics (blonde, same height and body type, etc.). She, like your friend, was also natural - very little makeup, dressed more laid back and conservatively. We'd go out on the town together, and dudes were just...DRAWN to her, as though I didn't exist. It boggled my mind and was admittedly, a little frustrating. It wasn't that I thought they should all want me over here, but closer to 50/50 or somethin'! Ha!

 

As jealous/envious as I was, I just honestly had to get over myself, and realize that different guys were going to be attracted to different "spirits."

 

And I was thrilled the day she got engaged, and then married. She makes a great wingwoman now.

[xpaperxcutx]

I think it's a combination of things that make her more approachable than you.

 

The few things that stand out to me is that, like you said, she dresses more casual and uses less makeup. This makes her much approachable in my eyes because she doesn't seem as high maintenance and more simple.

 

If there was a pair of women standing side by side, one wearing a gorgeous red dress that just conforms to her body and shape, showing off her assets with her hair and make up done to make it look like she spent 2 hours on, and a woman who dresses more casual, with maybe jeans or a skirt and a nice blouse that makes her look pretty, with some light make-up on, I would be more inclined to approach the simpler looking one (yet possibly gawk at the more "stunning" one).

 

All that, and maybe just 'cause she's Asian. Many men have "yellow-fever." I used to have it bad, but I grew out of it. Now I like the Indian girls .

 

 

To clarify we're both Asians, but i do have to admit I have a more eccentric personality than her ie. blonde hair.

 

Are you asian? If not, than you already got here a major difference in looks, something more than just height.

 

That being said, you did mention that you are being hit on just as much as she does, but at the end of the day/night they choose her.

I'd say something goes wrong during the flirtation phase that makes the men backpedal away from you and towards them.

Maybe your people skill isn't as good as you think?

 

P.S. Emilia is also right.

 

That could very well be a factor. I used to be extrememly introverted when I was little and have only started interacting with others in the last three years or so. I have noticed sometimes I still have problem " socializing" with strangers, and have a tendency to tense up or get tongue-tied. I often do have to depend on alcohol to relax myself to even feel comfortable.

[xpaperxcutx]

Good to see you, Paper! And even better to see you've been doing well, even sans dating! You sound much more...together.

 

 

 

That could be it, Paper.

 

Or it could be that for just the guys you've happened to come across, they find your friend to have that je ne sais quoi for them.

 

I had a friend just like yours in law school and afterward. She was pretty, outgoing, smart, big bright smile, fit body, great career - that is, everything I had too - and we also had the same physical characteristics (blonde, same height and body type, etc.). She, like your friend, was also natural - very little makeup, dressed more laid back and conservatively. We'd go out on the town together, and dudes were just...DRAWN to her, as though I didn't exist. It boggled my mind and was admittedly, a little frustrating. It wasn't that I thought they should all want me over here, but closer to 50/50 or somethin'! Ha!

 

As jealous/envious as I was, I just honestly had to get over myself, and realize that different guys were going to be attracted to different "spirits."

 

And I was thrilled the day she got engaged, and then married. She makes a great wingwoman now.

 

Hi SG how have you been?

 

Thanks for the compliment. Work has given me a great balance, at least nowadays, I'm not always idle or bored.

 

Thank you for the insight. I know not every girl is everyone's cup of tea, and just like I can't like everyone, I can't expect everyone to like me. I get it. Maybe it's the competitiveness in me to always want to be the best and/or perfect person there is, that I'm jealous of her. But I have to admit she does have that je ne se quoi otherwise I can't explain how she can get along so well with the opposite gender.

[Star Gazer]

Thank you for the insight. I know not every girl is everyone's cup of tea, and just like I can't like everyone, I can't expect everyone to like me. I get it. Maybe it's the competitiveness in me to always want to be the best and/or perfect person there is, that I'm jealous of her. But I have to admit she does have that je ne se quoi otherwise I can't explain how she can get along so well with the opposite gender.

 

I can relate to the competitiveness. Another thing that helped me was recognizing that I wasn't into the guys that were into her anyway... that rather, it was just that competitiveness and ego getting in my own way.

[daphne]

Hi paper,

 

Welcome back!

 

Your feelings are just your feelings. As long as you don't act out on them, you're not doing anything wrong. Jealousy is a fairly common emotion. Especially, it seems, among women.

 

I had a gf, that I feel was in the same boat as you. We went out, and I could be fresh off the tennis court with no makeup and not care if I met anyone, and my friend would be baffled that guys would still approach me. She's a cute girl, but she does try too hard in my opinion. She's definitely high maintenance. Plus, I think that I have the benefit of confidence since I get approached a lot. I know it's not easy on her. I often wondered if I could deal with it and not be a jerk if I were in teh reverse role. I try to understand how she feels and never step on her toes when it comes to men. I would put her before any random guy.

 

However.... she is not as gracious with me. Her response was to occasionally, subtly tear me down. Or walk up to the guy who was interested in me and start hitting on him. Once she actually walked in front of me as I was talking to him and stood there with her back to me as she introduced herself. I walked out on her. I have introduced her to a lot of great guys, because they were closer to her age. And she still has to try to compete with me. So I stopped hanging out with her. Now, she misses the amount of attention we pulled in as a team.

 

The only advice I can offer is to be aware that it's not her fault that guys may pick her. If she were going after guys you were intererested in, then you'd have a bad friend on your hands. I don't get that impression. Don't miss out on the friendship you have, and the wing woman you have over something she can't control.

[Emilia]

She is very pretty considering she's half Korean and Japanese. And she has a very likeable personality: she can get along better with guys than girls so much so that most of her friends are guys.

 

Since you brought it up, what do men look for in women? I'm so out of loop with the opposite nowadays, I think I need to go back and do a Dating 101 class.

 

You should focus on the type of men you want to attract. Do you like loud, brash, rich types? The high maintenance look is the way to go. Do you like arty, introverted ones? They like the opposite. Try to narrow down what sort of personalities work for you in dating.

 

I like laid back, extroverted sporty types so I dress like your friend and I put an effort into establishing rapport and banter because I know my type of men enjoy that.

 

Try to work out who your ideal audience is and learn to dress and behave accordingly

[Untouchable_Fire]

It's been close to 8 months since I last dated ( and did the hanky panky ). My schedule hadn't allowed me the time to devote my attention to one particular person and I didn't want to just date random people and waste my time. So I focused all my attention on my job ( of which I enjoy very much) and occasionally spend my off- days with my friends or take care of my dog ( he recently turned one!).

Over the summer I got back into contact with a friend I used to know and we've been reconnecting alot. She was and still is a very close friend, even though sometimes she does things I completely disagree with. But that aside, we have great night adventures together, as she becomes my wingwoman and I, hers.

We have different tastes in men- she prefers Asian and non- white guys while I lean more towards Caucasian and Hispanic. She has said before she doesn't particularly find Caucasian men attractive as most of her exes and guy friends are Asian, hence the chances of us liking the same guy becomes void. However this non- problem has since became a problem.

Recently I noticed the men I go for seemed to bypass me completely to make a beeline for my friend. They may talk to me and flirt with me, but somehow at the end of the night, they would prefer to ask for her number over mine. Now, I know it's silly to be jealous of my friend over a random guy, but this problem has been occurring more and more often.

Please don't make fun of me when I say that my self-confidence has taken a sharp nose dive, but I can't help wondering what does my friend have that makes guys fall for her. I mean I work out, I dress pretty, and I make sure I always look my best. In contrast my friend, is the quiet type ( at least until the party starts) and she dresses more down-to- earth and laid back. She rarely wears makeup and when she does, she goes for the simple mascara and eyeliner.

When I compare myself to her, the only advantage she has over me is height.

Is it normal for me to be jealous? I realize that being a good friend should mean that I should think bad about my friend but I notice more and more I hang out with her the more uncomfortable I am around her. I can almost say I hate her.

 

Hi Paper... It's good to hear you are doing well!

 

I don't believe this has anything to do with looks. When guys like me see two pretty girls and begin a conversation, we naturally will gravitate to the one who seems the most engaged.

 

I think it's normal and Ok to be a bit jealous.

 

What kind of situations does this occur in? What initially brings the guy over for talking? At what point does the guy typically ask for your friends number?

[make me believe]

To clarify we're both Asians, but i do have to admit I have a more eccentric personality than her ie. blonde hair.

 

This probably has a lot to do with it. A lot of guys prefer more natural looks on girls, especially regarding hair color and makeup. (Blonde on an Asian is obviously not natural.) If two similarly attractive girls are together, but one is dressed more eccentrically, has unnatural looking makeup (even if it's fun & applied well) and obviously dyed hair while the other girl is pretty but more conservative, fresh-faced, etc, I think the average guy would find the 2nd girl more approachable.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Back in the olden days, when I was a youngun, I had a close friend. We shared a lot, including some amazing adventures.

 

She was / is very pretty. I'm not sure if she was inherently more pretty than I was, and our looks were very different though we made a complementary team; we were just the same size and build, but she's Latina and I am a red haired whitey.

 

But, WAY, way more guys were always drawn to her. It really bothered me a lot, for years. I felt jealous. She and I were also competitive in other ways (we were both highly trained dancers and competed for roles, spots in shows, attention from the instructors, etc.).

 

Now, looking back on it, I can see clearly that D had / has a much more "happy" and outgoing nature than I. She is a true extrovert. People are attracted to her sunny and outgoing nature. She was never "angsty," whereas I always was.

 

I tried to act happy and light and carefree. I even did a good job of it, but my act didn't hold up when I was next to my friend.

 

In retrospect, the days of meeting guys in bars, clubs or on the streets of Europe really rewarded people with social ease.

 

So, Ms. Paper, I'm suggesting (without knowing you - but I am familiar with you from past threads) that you might project a more introverted and complicated image than your friend does.

 

Even though this might not be rewarded in the social realm the two of you are navigating now, it does not mean that you won't and can't attract plenty of fellows. Including, maybe, the "right" one.

 

Or … I might be completely off base! But your post did remind me of my friend and me, and how I used to feel about it.

[Sanman]

Hey Paper! Was thinking about you recently. Glad to see you are doing better. While the blonde hair is a love it or hate it thing, my best guess here is that she is more outgoing than you. I am guessing that you come off shy or aloof at times and it sounds like she knows how to relate to guys better (as evidenced by all her guy friends). I highly doubt it is an attractiveness thing.

 

Either way, I wouldn't let it get to you. The one thing I realized is that you need patience and the realization the the same types if people may not be attracted to the two of you. I've been in similar situations, but I needed to remember that it isn't a contest. Some guy friends got the women I would have liked, but my gf prefers my larger, muscular frame to their skinny frames. Different people want different things.