boyfriend is cold, distant and not showing physical affection

[PoppyK]

I guess I already know the answer to what I am going to ask but I just wanted to hear from anyone else who has experienced this. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. He has always been relatively unemotional but has said a couple of things which I find worrying but he doesn't. He said to me about 6 months in that he felt no passion or emotion - not just towards me but in any recent relationship. He then said a few months ago that he isn't able to love anyone. He has since said he didn't mean that but his actions prove otherwise I think. He is not interested in sex - especially over the last 6 months or so, we have probably done it once a month. On the rare occaision we do have sex he has never been able to ejaculate - I suppose this has dented his confidence but he won't see anyone about it. Over the last few months he has not tried to kiss or cuddle me. I have spoken to him about it but he said that as he is used to being on his own he doesn't 'need' it. I am becoming more sad, anxious and my confidence is at rock bottom. I have had my own problems over the last year - family moving abroad, redundancy, bereavement etc - so I have not been that much fun to be around. I have tried to break up recently a couple of times with him but he says that I am everything he ever wants in a woman and because I really care for him I am finding it so hard just to walk away. My gut instinct is that he is still emotionally involved with an ex girlfriend. She broke his heart about 5 years ago. They are in regular contact but he says that as she was a big part of his life and they are just friends there is nothing to worry about. When I ask him about it he gets pretty irritable and says that he doesn't see what the problem is. He isn't in touch with other ex girlfriends. We recently went away for a few days and he was irritable and did not want any physical contact. If he doesn't love me, doesn't want any physical contact and cannot feel emotion or passion then why does he say I am everything he wants? I said to him that I obviously wasn't right for him and that he should find someone who does make him happy and who he is able to love and he got angry with me. When I tried to break up with him surely that was his chance to walk away without any guilt? Please, anyone who has experienced this or anything similar let me know about your experiences. Thanks, P

Edited October 29, 2011 by PoppyK

[lionashtray]

A good friend of mine is the same. She acts totally uninterested in any relationship she has and only realises when it's too late and the men have had enough. She has depression and is only just starting to seek help. She has always been fine around us friends and family but just takes out her unhappiness on the partner. This could be the problem. He wants to be with you but somehow is stuck in a depressive cycle possibly brought on by heartache over his ex five years ago. He should have sought help back then as until he does all subsequent relationships will be affected.

[PoppyK]

That is a really interesting reply - thank you. He is also like your friend. He had a traumatic childhood - his mother left the family home to be with someone else suddenly when he was a young boy - he rarely talks about it but has tried to get counselling for it once but he said it wasn't for him. He doesn't seem to think it affects him now but it clearly does.

[snug.bunny]

I guess I already know the answer to what I am going to ask but I just wanted to hear from anyone else who has experienced this. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. He has always been relatively unemotional but has said a couple of things which I find worrying but he doesn't. He said to me about 6 months in that he felt no passion or emotion - not just towards me but in any recent relationship. He then said a few months ago that he isn't able to love anyone. He has since said he didn't mean that but his actions prove otherwise I think. He is not interested in sex - especially over the last 6 months or so, we have probably done it once a month. On the rare occaision we do have sex he has never been able to ejaculate - I suppose this has dented his confidence but he won't see anyone about it. Over the last few months he has not tried to kiss or cuddle me. I have spoken to him about it but he said that as he is used to being on his own he doesn't 'need' it. I am becoming more sad, anxious and my confidence is at rock bottom. I have had my own problems over the last year - family moving abroad, redundancy, bereavement etc - so I have not been that much fun to be around. I have tried to break up recently a couple of times with him but he says that I am everything he ever wants in a woman and because I really care for him I am finding it so hard just to walk away. My gut instinct is that he is still emotionally involved with an ex girlfriend. She broke his heart about 5 years ago. They are in regular contact but he says that as she was a big part of his life and they are just friends there is nothing to worry about. When I ask him about it he gets pretty irritable and says that he doesn't see what the problem is. He isn't in touch with other ex girlfriends. We recently went away for a few days and he was irritable and did not want any physical contact. If he doesn't love me, doesn't want any physical contact and cannot feel emotion or passion then why does he say I am everything he wants? I said to him that I obviously wasn't right for him and that he should find someone who does make him happy and who he is able to love and he got angry with me. When I tried to break up with him surely that was his chance to walk away without any guilt? Please, anyone who has experienced this or anything similar let me know about your experiences. Thanks, P

 

 

Was he like this at the beginning of the relationship?

[PoppyK]

He was more affectionate and passionate for the first few months. He has always been a quite hot and cold though and I was never really sure what he wanted.

[snug.bunny]

He was more affectionate and passionate for the first few months. He has always been a quite hot and cold though and I was never really sure what he wanted.

 

After the first few months, was there anything you can think of that lead to the change in his behavior, did any arguements ever ensue between the two of you or did the "coldness" just seem to manifest on it's own.

[PoppyK]

The coldness just seemed to come on by itself. We've both laid back people so rarely argue. He has always been quite difficult to work out - a very closed book. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

[dasein]

Are there externals in his life, stressors that could be causing depression? Substance, video game, porn, food dependence? Work troubles? Family? Without being too much an armchair diagnoser, your BF sounds depressed, and you may consider that it may not be about you or the relationship. It could be the ex, but don't jump to that without considering other things also.

[PoppyK]

Thanks for replying. He doesn't have any other stressors as far as I am aware. He works for himself and is very successful but also takes a lot of time out for himself. He does watch a lot of porn which I think may contribute to the problem. Not that I am some kind of sex crazed vixen but I have always been fairly confident in the bedroom and I've said I'll do anything (within reason of course!) to please him but it made the situation worse. I have never been able to 'satisfy' him in any way - it has crushed my confidence and has made him back off even more. So now I'm not trying for a while and see what happens. I have suggested laying off the porn but I don't think he will.

[leninjapirate]

A good friend of mine is the same. She acts totally uninterested in any relationship she has and only realises when it's too late and the men have had enough. She has depression and is only just starting to seek help. She has always been fine around us friends and family but just takes out her unhappiness on the partner. This could be the problem. He wants to be with you but somehow is stuck in a depressive cycle possibly brought on by heartache over his ex five years ago. He should have sought help back then as until he does all subsequent relationships will be affected.

 

I absolutely agree with the last part of this. All of what I'm about to say is just my opinion, obviously, and is entirely based on what you've said and from my own experiences, just a disclaimer...

 

He is not over his ex. This is very clear seeing as he has kept her in his life. He needs to stop talking to her entirely or he'll never get over it. He isn't necessarily depressed and he doesn't necessarily need counselling. That whole area is very hit-or-miss, and he shouldn't dismiss it purely from one bad experience; each counsellor/therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist is different, and there are a variety of approaches in each field.

 

I don't know how you have kept going throughout this relationship, you seem to have put up with a lot, and my heart goes out to you. Not just for the relationship, but for what you have gone through outside of it. I think that all of the problems within the relationship are things you can work on, but only if you are both invested in the relationship, and right now he isn't really. One thing to seriously ask yourself here is, are you? You've offered to break up multiple times now. Was it purely for his sake, because you thought it was what he wanted? You deserve someone who IS entirely invested in a relationship with you. His words of protest, telling you that you're the perfect woman, are encouraging, but words are never enough on their own.

 

First step, seriously evaluate what you see in this relationship, as it is in this exact moment in time. Not how it was before or how you hope/fear it will be in the future. If you feel purely positively (which I doubt you do), THEN move on to thinking about him. First off, think about YOU. If you feel purely negatively, then you should clearly get out. If it's just a fuzzy mess of both, keep asking yourself questions until you know exactly how you feel about this relationship, and in general terms, what you want, what you need, and how you feel you should be treated. Then compare that list to what you're getting and how you're actually being treated.

 

You probably can't force the guy to give up his ex (and shouldn't, for that matter), but you can try talking it out with him. Do your best to be calm, be open, be neutral, just be there for him. Don't relate it to your relationship specifically, but relate it to his relationships since that one. How he sees that it effected them. On some level he definitely realises that she is a negative in his life, but it could be a very deep one.

 

I really wish you all the best, good luck.

[OneFootOut]

This may not apply to your situation at all, but I will throw it out there for you to think about.

 

My ex-husband met and married me and everything started off fine. He was sexual and affectionate. About a year had past of things slowing down and him becoming more distant. One day he literally pushed me away from him when I was being flirty and cuddly with him. He didn't touch me again for about 6 years... ever. No cuddling, no affection, and absolutely nothing sexual. He turned away my advances if I tried, so I stopped trying.

 

I lived with self-doubt and confusion, and feeling less than desirable for years. He never cheated on me, or I on him. You just never hear about men not wanting sex, so there was nowhere to turn for answers. He was perfectly content this whole time, because he was living in his own comfort zone regardless of how it affected me. On a personal level, I felt like I was falling apart and dying inside.

 

It wasn't until the end of our almost 13 year relationship that he finally admitted that he was asexual. Not only did he not want physical contact with me, but he didn't want it with anyone. He said he "wasn't sure" when we had met and had been struggling with finding a word for his feelings. He said he had been living a lie the first year... when I thought things were great. That day he pushed me away was the day he decided he couldn't live a lie anymore and put himself through the discomfort. So why not tell me then?

 

Our marriage was a hiding place for him, and it got his family off his back from nagging him about dating and marrying and 'being normal'. Now he is off living his solitary life, enjoying his freedom and traveling alone, and my life was left a mess.

 

This guy needs to search himself and find out who he is. Could he be asexual? Or is it really depression? I hope he can find some answers before he spends so many years not sure of his own identity, or taking you along for the ride and support without concern for your needs. It's not fun.

 

Wish you both the best however it goes.

[PoppyK]

Thank you both for your replies. Onefootout - that is a possibility - how on earth you are still sane after going through that for so long? After only a year of minimal contact I feel like I am losing the plot and my self esteem is at zero. I admire your strength of character. What have you done since? How have you rebuilt your confidence? Leninjapirate - it was after he said he couldn't love anyone I tried to break up with him - the sensible part of my head told me it was the right thing to do but he pleaded with me not to go and I don't know why I ignored my own instinct. I suppose I'm generally not feeling very strong at the moment. When I read your reply I couldn't stop crying so I figure everything you said is right. I am investing less in the relationship, especially in the last few months. On reflection I feel I have given everything I can to it and it still isn't good enough. He can't seem to be around me for more than a day without getting restless and needing space. I used to have quite a bad stammer and it has come back recently which is worrying. I am waiting a few days to gather up the strength to talk to him about this but your advice has really helped. Thank you so much.

[dasein]

Based on your last post, I think the porn is likely a big part of the problem. I think that overconsumption of porn by men does the exact same thing that overconsumption of celebrity lifestyle material by women does, causes unrealistic expectations. I couldn't live with a woman who was constantly obsessing over fashion or the celebrity lifestyle, and don't see how women put up living with men who overconsume porn. Best wishes in finding a solution.

[OneFootOut]

Thank you both for your replies. Onefootout - that is a possibility - how on earth you are still sane after going through that for so long? After only a year of minimal contact I feel like I am losing the plot and my self esteem is at zero. I admire your strength of character. What have you done since? How have you rebuilt your confidence? Leninjapirate - it was after he said he couldn't love anyone I tried to break up with him - the sensible part of my head told me it was the right thing to do but he pleaded with me not to go and I don't know why I ignored my own instinct. I suppose I'm generally not feeling very strong at the moment. When I read your reply I couldn't stop crying so I figure everything you said is right. I am investing less in the relationship, especially in the last few months. On reflection I feel I have given everything I can to it and it still isn't good enough. He can't seem to be around me for more than a day without getting restless and needing space. I used to have quite a bad stammer and it has come back recently which is worrying. I am waiting a few days to gather up the strength to talk to him about this but your advice has really helped. Thank you so much.

 

It's been a hard road since we finally parted ways. He walked out Feb 23rd 2009. Honestly, my self-esteem was absolutely dead and gone. I felt I had no value and no worth. For years I thought there was something wrong with ME. He would always tell me - it's not you - but since he couldn't tell me what it really was (being asexual) I had no reasoning other than 'it must be me'.

 

I felt so unimportant, abandoned, and neglected in my own marriage. He came home every day, didn't run around or do anything 'bad', but he would check out when he was home, and treated me as if I was invisible. It affected me in a lot of ways that I just can't find words for.

 

I stayed because in my own mind, a lack of sex was not a reason to break up the family and divorce. I thought we were just going through a rough patch and we could get back to our old selves. I kept giving him the benefit of doubt and stood by him hoping we could work out whatever barrier was between us.

 

Remember it was "good" at first... and stopped without a valid reason, so I kept trying to fix it, and fix me, where he would desire me again. At that time, I had no idea what the real reasons were. This was a man who could say "I love you" 10 times a day but never make one gesture to show it in any way shape or form.

 

It wasn't until he got real honest on his way out the door that I realized what a waste of my life it had been all those years and how I had never meant more to him than being a cover and a housekeeper.

 

I am still working on regaining my self-value, self-confidence, and trust again. Now that I am back out here and single again, things have changed. Dating is more difficult, and people all seem to have hidden agendas. One thing I know for sure is that I won't go through it again.

 

By the way, I have only been on one date since, and it was recently. It was nice being noticed and having that positive attention, but there hasn’t been a 2nd date, I just don’t think we clicked. Still, as lonely as I get these days, it’s not nearly as lonely as I felt in a relationship with someone who wanted nothing to do with me other than to have a housemate.

 

I hope you figure things out. Good healthy relationships don't drain your self-esteem, they build it up and nurture it. If you're not happy and satisfied, please consider moving on. Good luck

[leninjapirate]

Leninjapirate - it was after he said he couldn't love anyone I tried to break up with him - the sensible part of my head told me it was the right thing to do but he pleaded with me not to go and I don't know why I ignored my own instinct. I suppose I'm generally not feeling very strong at the moment. When I read your reply I couldn't stop crying so I figure everything you said is right. I am investing less in the relationship, especially in the last few months. On reflection I feel I have given everything I can to it and it still isn't good enough. He can't seem to be around me for more than a day without getting restless and needing space. I used to have quite a bad stammer and it has come back recently which is worrying. I am waiting a few days to gather up the strength to talk to him about this but your advice has really helped. Thank you so much.

 

I know you're in a really rough place right now, and I hope you can start to focus on yourself more and get yourself out of it. I wish you all the best, I really do. Let us know how talking to him goes and how you're getting on, the best of luck to you. You're worth much more than you realise right now.

[azsinglegal]

Read this...

 

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y62/mfrankl3/6icZ3.png

[PoppyK]

We have now split - I couldn't handle it and he said that he would never change and couldn't love anyone and as I couldn't accept it then there was nothing either of us could do. I feel a lot better now - surprisingly as I thought I would be a total wreck - I feel like a weight is off my shoulders. At the same time I'm devastated as I know we could have had something amazing but if he refuses to get help and accepts the way he is I have no regrets that I've left after a year of trying my hardest to make it work. Thanks so much for your advice - it really did help.

[forms]

He said to me about 6 months in that he felt no passion or emotion - not just towards me but in any recent relationship. He then said a few months ago that he isn't able to love anyone.

 

This does point to not getting over his ex. "Recent relationship". Do you know why they broke up?

 

The not being able to love anyone might be something else: schizoid personality disorder, "...laack of interest in social relationships, seeing no point in sharing time with others, anhedonia, introspection..."

 

It could also be depression as mentioned above, or that he's Aspbergers or somewhere on the autism spectrum.

 

And it could be a defense mechanism against being rejected by his mother. He won't let himself love a woman again.

[forms]

He has since said he didn't mean that but his actions prove otherwise I think.

 

Action speak louder than words

 

On the rare occaision we do have sex he has never been able to ejaculate - I suppose this has dented his confidence but he won't see anyone about it. Over the last few months he has not tried to kiss or cuddle me. I have spoken to him about it but he said that as he is used to being on his own he doesn't 'need' it.

 

I think it's Michael Kors on TV (the clothing designer) who has said quite openly that he also is asexual, has absolutely no interest in sex and hasn't had it for 15+ years. It happens. But you can still LOVE without feeling sexual urges. You can love quite passionately. It seems however, he doesn't love whether he's interested in sex or not.

 

However... he's doing porn, so it seems as though he IS interested in sex. Does he ejaculate when he watches porn?

 

I've heard of men who are so suspicious and frightened of women they will not let themselves ejaculate into them because that's 'giving' them something. Or they feel the woman is 'taking' something from them.

 

It would be so interesting to know why he broke up with the other GF and why she still interacts with him.

 

I am becoming more sad, anxious and my confidence is at rock bottom. I have had my own problems over the last year - family moving abroad, redundancy, bereavement etc - so I have not been that much fun to be around.

 

I'm so sorry. You know what you have to do whatever his problem may be. But I understand how helpful it is if you can understand his problems. If only to reassure yourself it's not you, but him.

 

I have tried to break up recently a couple of times with him but he says that I am everything he ever wants in a woman and because I really care for him I am finding it so hard just to walk away.

 

Well, you probably are going to break up with him again, and when he tells you you are everything he ever wanted ask him what it is he has to offer you, since apparently you are offering him everything.

 

Ask him if you are important enough to go to couples counseling and make that a condition of your staying.

 

What is it you care about him for? What are his loveable qualities?

 

My gut instinct is that he is still emotionally involved with an ex girlfriend. She broke his heart about 5 years ago. They are in regular contact but he says that as she was a big part of his life and they are just friends there is nothing to worry about. When I ask him about it he gets pretty irritable and says that he doesn't see what the problem is. He isn't in touch with other ex girlfriends.

 

Five years is a long time. How regular is their contact. Do they see each other face to face? Has she moved on and found someone else?

 

He's irritable because he DOES know what the problem is and he knows you want him to give up the contact with her. And he won't. If you are everything he ever wanted in a woman, then he could go 6 months without her. She certainly should understand. But if he's dependent upon her he won't be able to do it.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he has a lot of magical thinking all wrapped up with her, that she actually isn't even the person he was with but that he's built her into a fantasy relationship and uses her to distance himself from other women--because he's afraid to get close to any women.

 

We recently went away for a few days and he was irritable and did not want any physical contact. If he doesn't love me, doesn't want any physical contact and cannot feel emotion or passion then why does he say I am everything he wants?

 

Because you are providing some convenience. It's hard to know exactly what but I would venture to guess it's just companionship, you are a buffer from isolation and loneliness. You seem to be very accommodating and undemanding, and he sort of gets his cake and eats it too; a companion without having to provide companionship.

 

 

He's a very unhappy and neurotic man and doesn't have enough love to warm himself much less warm you. You'll probably have to leave. It's not your fault and it's not fair. I'm very sorry.

[PoppyK]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. We have now broken up as I said that I couldn't be with him as he was never going to love me - he said that as I couldn't accept that was the way he was and he wouldn't change that he agreed it was the best thing to do. He refused to go to counselling so I figure 'we' weren't that important to him. His ex girlfriend broke things off as she did not love him is what I think happened but he told me a few different stories. I just don't understand why you would be in constant contact with an ex unless there are children involved - how can you ever emotionally devote yourself to your current partner? He had good qualities - good morals, intelligent etc - and I could see he had the potential to be am amazing partner but unfortunately it wasn't meant to be. I definitely think you are right about the fantasy partner thing - how he has all the magical thinking wrapped up in her - they live on opposite sides of the world but communicate weekly so I figure you can show people the 'best' side without having them see the other parts. Interestingly I am the first relationship he has had who lives locally - all others have been long distance and he remarked how he and his exes 'got to know each other really well through emails' and then seemed surprised when it didn't work out in real life. I think the impact of his mother leaving at such a young age has a lot to answer for but he just won't do anything about it which is so frustrating. I feel so much better now so I am focussing on rebuilding my confidence for a while. Thanks so much to everyone for your advice - it was so helpful to have objective opinions - it has made the last month or so a lot easier to cope with