Milsch Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 I was with a girl (Laura) for a year. We started out soon after my previous relationship of three years had ended. Although I was pretty much entirely over the ex, I felt guilty about ending it (for a variety of complicated reasons) and because of that I kept the new girl at a distance and didn't really bring her fully into my life (she didn't meet friends, family, etc). I also maintained a friendship with the ex. Laura and I both went into our relationship saying it was 'casual', but after a few months she indicated that she wanted more. I said I couldn't give her more commitment. We carried on seeing each other and grew closer, but I never told her that my feelings had developed. Although she wanted commitment, she also played games and actually seemed to enjoy the competition of other girls hitting on me, etc (which I never hid from her if it happened because, in my messed up mind, I thought it'd make her more attracted to me). Then I did something really dumb and went skinny-dipping with a group of friends that included my ex. It really meant nothing to me, but Laura took it very badly. I played it down, saying it wasn't a big deal (I genuinely didn't think it was, although looking back with hindsight I can see why L took it so badly). She told me - when she broke up with me a couple of months later - that this had been the moment she realised she had to detach herself emotionally from me. I didn't realise she was doing that (no obvious signs) and actually started feeling closer and closer to her, taking it more and more seriously. When she ended it, telling me that she was still attracted to me but that it no longer 'felt right', I told her immediately that I love her. I sent her a letter apologising for all the crap ways I'd treated her. We carried on seeing each other a bit, having a good time, etc... but eventually she told me she is seeing a new guy (someone she works with) and that she couldn't see me any longer. They have launched straight into what looks like a pretty serious relationship. Meanwhile, I've gone NC - slipped up a couple of times with texts, but she hasn't replied anyway. She seems determined to cut me from her life to make this new relationship work. Now, I don't think there is anything I can do to make her come back. I just don't know how to live with this pain and regret. She is such an amazing girl and I can't believe I only saw what I had once it was gone. I wake up dreaming of her every night and can literally see myself taking this regret to the grave... I can't imagine a time when I won't wonder 'what if...?' I keep dreaming that one day, if her new relationship doesn't work out, there might be a chance for a reconciliation. But it's a huge long-shot and I know I can't hold out hope for that, especially because we had such an odd relationship in the first place. I don't even think NC will heal me to be honest - even if I don't speak to her or see her, there's no way I will forget about her. She is the perfect girl and I only saw it too late. Anyway, so I'm looking for advice as to what I can do. I keep thinking maybe I can win her back, but then I look at it rationally and realise that I can't now she's with the new guy. So I need to know how I can live with this regret, because right now it feels like it's killing me. No other girl even comes close to comparing with Laura. Please don't tell me I'm an idiot or that I can learn from this. The situation will never arise again, so there's not much to learn (except, I suppose, to communicate better). And I know I'm an idiot already.
mike588 Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 (edited) Since you have already made your feelings know to her and apoligized I'd go into strict N.C. and see what happens. This other guy could be a rebound and it probably won't last. If she does contact you let her know that you are COMPLETELY 110% done with your ex. In the mean time move on with your life. Edited October 29, 2011 by mike588
Author Milsch Posted October 29, 2011 Author Posted October 29, 2011 Since you have already made your feelings know to her and apoligized I'd go into strict N.C. and see what happens. This other guy could be a rebound and it probably won't last. If she does contact you let her know that you are COMPLETELY 110% done with your ex. In the mean time move on with your life. Thanks for the reply. I hope you're right about her new relationship, but I fear the worst. I think she's looking to 'settle down' and this guy's previous relationship was a good 3+ years... so he's got it in him (and she's a great, great girl - so it's not exactly hard to be with her). And even if it doesn't last, she's not got much reason to come back to me. I think she did love me once, but she definitely doesn't now (although I know there is still attraction... but that's not really enough). Anyway, I suppose moving on is the only answer. I'm just trying to figure out how to do it without this regret eating away at me all the damn time.
mike588 Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Thanks for the reply. I hope you're right about her new relationship, but I fear the worst. I think she's looking to 'settle down' and this guy's previous relationship was a good 3+ years... so he's got it in him (and she's a great, great girl - so it's not exactly hard to be with her). And even if it doesn't last, she's not got much reason to come back to me. I think she did love me once, but she definitely doesn't now (although I know there is still attraction... but that's not really enough). Anyway, I suppose moving on is the only answer. I'm just trying to figure out how to do it without this regret eating away at me all the damn time. Skinny dipping with your ex. was a BIG mistake! atleast it wasn't just the two of you?? She may be looking to settle down but just because some other guy had a 3+ year relationship doesn't mean much. I'm sure she loved you and may still do but maybe not as much,, attraction means alot. As I said earlier she knows your feelings for her just leave her alone for now,,, she may start to miss you and let her new relationship run it's course. If you really want he back you HAVE TO break all contact with your ex.,,one slip and she will be gone again and possibly forever!!
Author Milsch Posted October 29, 2011 Author Posted October 29, 2011 Skinny dipping with your ex. was a BIG mistake! atleast it wasn't just the two of you?? She may be looking to settle down but just because some other guy had a 3+ year relationship doesn't mean much. I'm sure she loved you and may still do but maybe not as much,, attraction means alot. As I said earlier she knows your feelings for her just leave her alone for now,,, she may start to miss you and let her new relationship run it's course. If you really want he back you HAVE TO break all contact with your ex.,,one slip and she will be gone again and possibly forever!! Yeah, huge mistake - I agree. I dunno, I know I'm over-thinking things, but I just have a feeling that she and the new guy will make it work. I want her to be happy, of course. I'd just rather it was me making her happy! The ex-ex has moved 10,000 miles away... but then Laura knew that was going to happen. She also knows I love her. But I just think it's too late; she's moved on, stopped feeling that way about me and the attraction doesn't mean much when we don't see each other. I dunno... I just feel like I have no choice but to give up really.
Kamila Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 She wanted commitment and you didn't give it to her. I know exactly how she feels. She doesn't want to get hurt again and has shut her heart off from you. Well, i don't say this situation is hopeless, but she has moved on and has a new boyfriend and she hopes this guy will commit to her. Even if you come back to her and she accepts you, she will still have this feeling of 'what if he goes away again, or doesn't want to commit to me anymore...'. Women are very sensitive about these things. If a man doesn't want them, some would shut them off entirely because it hurts so much to have contact with them. She has a new man now, respect that and go no contact. Let her be happy. And if you can't stand being without her, go over to her and explain things with her. Sometimes love isn't enough. You need to take action !
Author Milsch Posted October 29, 2011 Author Posted October 29, 2011 She wanted commitment and you didn't give it to her. I know exactly how she feels. She doesn't want to get hurt again and has shut her heart off from you. Well, i don't say this situation is hopeless, but she has moved on and has a new boyfriend and she hopes this guy will commit to her. Even if you come back to her and she accepts you, she will still have this feeling of 'what if he goes away again, or doesn't want to commit to me anymore...'. Women are very sensitive about these things. If a man doesn't want them, some would shut them off entirely because it hurts so much to have contact with them. She has a new man now, respect that and go no contact. Let her be happy. And if you can't stand being without her, go over to her and explain things with her. Sometimes love isn't enough. You need to take action ! Yeah, I think she is shutting me off entirely. I don't think taking action would work now, either; it's like she's made her decision (and she did want to keep on seeing me after the BU, but her new bf said he didn't want it so she's now cut all contact). I don't think she loves me at all anymore. It really sucks, but that's probably the truth. She won't even see me, so I can't explain it all to her. I think my best bet has to be NC and then hope that she comes back one day, but it's so unlikely and I love the girl so much. Ahhh.
Author Milsch Posted October 30, 2011 Author Posted October 30, 2011 I'm bumping the thread in case anyone else has some advice. I really appreciate the replies so far. Some of them speak to my desire to try again right now; email her, call her, etc until she picks up and then tell her I need to see her. But I think nothing I can do now will bring her back; she decided to leave me because I wasn't giving her what she needed and I expect she's super happy with this new guy now. So... on the assumption that I can't get her back... how do I stop this regret? Has anyone here been through similar? Did it stop? I really don't think it will. I genuinely feel as though I will regret this in 10 years, 20 years, 50 years... The only thing that feels likely to heal it is getting back together with her. But that won't happen, so how do I stop...?
wilsonx Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 As long as you keep dwelling on it, you aren't going to let it go. Its going to drive you absolutely crazy. So you made a poor decision. Did you learn from it? If so move on and don't repeat a mistake like that. Let her go as well. Theres plenty of people in the world, you can't dwell on the past, otherwise you miss whats right here in the present.
Author Milsch Posted October 30, 2011 Author Posted October 30, 2011 As long as you keep dwelling on it, you aren't going to let it go. Its going to drive you absolutely crazy. So you made a poor decision. Did you learn from it? If so move on and don't repeat a mistake like that. Let her go as well. Theres plenty of people in the world, you can't dwell on the past, otherwise you miss whats right here in the present. All I learned is that I love her. And what I have learned subsequently is that it's too late. I want to stop dwelling, but I can't. If I'd told her I loved her earlier and we'd had a great relationship and then she'd dumped me, I'd be able to let it go... but now all I know is that I messed it up pretty much single-handed. Letting her go fully feels like resigning myself to this regret forever. Does that make sense?
mike588 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 I'm bumping the thread in case anyone else has some advice. I really appreciate the replies so far. Some of them speak to my desire to try again right now; email her, call her, etc until she picks up and then tell her I need to see her. But I think nothing I can do now will bring her back; she decided to leave me because I wasn't giving her what she needed and I expect she's super happy with this new guy now. So... on the assumption that I can't get her back... how do I stop this regret? Has anyone here been through similar? Did it stop? I really don't think it will. I genuinely feel as though I will regret this in 10 years, 20 years, 50 years... The only thing that feels likely to heal it is getting back together with her. But that won't happen, so how do I stop...? As far as stopping the regret, well you just can't,, time will take of that and as Wilson said did you learn anything from this? I'm sure you did! Move on and don't be surprised if she reaches out to you in the future but don't wait for her! You "expect"/assume she's super happy with the new guy,, maybe, maybe not again he could just be a rebound. My ex. told me the same thing about her ex.,, he wasn't giving her what she needed and I was. Well she dumped me 3 months ago to go back to him. I was her rebound guy.
Author Milsch Posted October 30, 2011 Author Posted October 30, 2011 As far as stopping the regret, well you just can't,, time will take of that and as Wilson said did you learn anything from this? I'm sure you did! Move on and don't be surprised if she reaches out to you in the future but don't wait for her! You "expect"/assume she's super happy with the new guy,, maybe, maybe not again he could just be a rebound. My ex. told me the same thing about her ex.,, he wasn't giving her what she needed and I was. Well she dumped me 3 months ago to go back to him. I was her rebound guy. I'm sorry to hear that. Is that why you're on LS? I do hope she will come back, but she's a very determined girl once she's made her mind up. I think she was pretty sure about this. If you don't mind me asking, was she still in touch with her ex while you two were together? My ex has told me we can't talk and hasn't replied to two texts I have sent her. I've got to move on, I know... and yes, I suppose I have learned - but the main thing I have learned is that I love her so much...
mike588 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 I don't really know if she was in touch with him or not,, that's a question I still have. She told me when she broke up with me that he texted her and said " Love you, miss you and I guess that's all it took. We were together almost a year and I thought after that much time she was over him,,, she told me that too. I'm sure she left me in the dark about alot of things.
Author Milsch Posted October 30, 2011 Author Posted October 30, 2011 I don't really know if she was in touch with him or not,, that's a question I still have. She told me when she broke up with me that he texted her and said " Love you, miss you and I guess that's all it took. We were together almost a year and I thought after that much time she was over him,,, she told me that too. I'm sure she left me in the dark about alot of things. Like I say, I'm really sorry to hear it. Thanks again for your replies!
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