guinnessdraft Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 28 yo male. I have been married for 5 years. I love my wife and our relationship is great but every now then I would get infatuated with another woman. This time, it's a 25 yo I have to work with. I can't avoid her. What do I do? I don't want to have any relationship with this girl but I can't stop thinking about her. Do I just wait it out?
carhill Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Well, you know what it's like being married. That's real. Imagine being married to that 25yo or any other woman you become infatuated with. You were once infatuated with your wife, I presume. I can't really relate because my mind didn't wander while our M was apparently healthy. Infatuations which were a quite normal part of my single life for decades prior went away. Have these always been a part of your married life or are you just now experiencing them? IME, time and reality fix infatuations. As long as it stays in the mind and doesn't affect marital relations, accept it and expect it to happen from time to time during your M. Expect that your wife might have infatuations of her own. That's real. So is the value of your M. Good luck.
taiko Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Instead of thinking about the fantasy remember Bobbitt
Breezy Trousers Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 (edited) IME, time and reality fix infatuations. As long as it stays in the mind and doesn't affect marital relations, accept it and expect it to happen from time to time during your M. Expect that your wife might have infatuations of her own. That's real. So is the value of your M. Good luck. Very good advice,Carhill. So true. I had this pop up in my long-term marriage for the first time not too long ago. I have a happy marriage so, unlike many, I couldn't justify my attraction by blaming my husband. That made it all the more confusing to me. I got over it by staying away from the guy as much as possible. I read lots of books on infidelity to figure out why I was having the experience. I read the very painful threads over at LS's OM/OW forum to gain insight and to share my feelings. (Highly recommended! Because when you're in the beginning stages, you won't feel like doing this. Reading about the reality of affairs is a total killjoy.) I told my husband what I was struggling with. I also had a single friend who was in an affair for three years and witnessed firsthand how the excitement & fun inevitably turns into a mess. (She eventually had to leave her job after HR confronted her and the affair partner -- 9 months after the affair temporarily ended.) In time, I got over the attraction. It did take considerable time, though, and I think that's because I needed to learn a lot of things from the experience. Once I saw what I needed to address within myself, it all passed away. Perhaps that was its purpose -- life using the experience as a vehicle for me to learn this stuff. (It also helped that guy turned hateful and seriously scared the crap out of me for one intense week. I got over that attraction quickly! lol ... However, even that tension came to pass, and things are back to normal again.) So: Just honor your spouse, stay away, learn what causes affairs & this will probably go away in time. For what it's worth -- The only thing I regret was telling my husband. He occasionally teases me about it now, so it wasn't a big deal in the end, but I'd recommend dumping on someone else or getting your feelings out at the OW/OM forum if it's bothering you. If you're not acting out and are trying hard to do the right thing by everyone, there's no need to dump on your spouse. Good luck. Edited October 30, 2011 by Breezy Trousers
Feelin Frisky Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 28 yo male. I have been married for 5 years. I love my wife and our relationship is great but every now then I would get infatuated with another woman. This time, it's a 25 yo I have to work with. I can't avoid her. What do I do? I don't want to have any relationship with this girl but I can't stop thinking about her. Do I just wait it out? I'm assuming you have feelings for her but there is nothing going on--she's not trying to get you and you're not trying to get her. In that case, keep to your business and time will quiet the feelings. It's not unusual for this to happen to people who marry young. Do the right thing.
Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 28 yo male. I have been married for 5 years. I love my wife and our relationship is great but every now then I would get infatuated with another woman. This time, it's a 25 yo I have to work with. I can't avoid her. What do I do? I don't want to have any relationship with this girl but I can't stop thinking about her. Do I just wait it out? I too fancied a married, female colleague and believe she felt similarly though we never discussed it. We saw each other nearly every day but never flirted, never talked about inappropriate topics, our spouses were aware of our "friendship" and were friends as well. Eventually, I moved on professionally and saw her less. When we did see each other it was like no time had passed, which was nice. And not long ago she moved on professionally too so our contact is mostly nil now. And I find myself thinking of her far less. Time and distance does a lot. It will happen again, just have to be cognizant about it and not act upon. It will happen to your wife, too. It's a fact of life, in my opinion.
Author guinnessdraft Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 You're all right. Nothing has happened yet or ever will so I really shouldn't be stressing over this but I am. I know, it's very middle school. I will wait for the day she does something repulsive and then I can stop thinking about her but until then, I guess, I have to wait it out. Things like this just makes me question my life choices.
oldshirt Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Getting married and committing to a spouse does not turn off your attraction for other people nor turn off the limbic system in your brain. We are all sexual animals and we are drawn to members of the opposite sex (or even to the same sex at times). All this means is that you are human and still alive and that things are still or working order. What separates humans from the other animals is that even though we do not have conscious control over what our mind or feelings do, we do have control over what our body does. As long as you aren't acting on your feelings through word or deed you are OK. When you are around people of the opposite sex you are going to have feelings. It does not mean you love your partner any less and it does not mean that your relationship is flawed. It just means you are human. Some cultures have tried to eliminate that type of feeling by dressing women in sheets from head to toe and keeping them locked up at home and out of public. Guess what? It still doesn't work and people still have feelings and even in those cultures adultry and premaritial sex still go on. It's just how we are hardwired. As long as you aren't actually doing anything about your feelings with that other person everything is OK. You may always feel an attraction for some people but time and distance will lessen it over time.
Author guinnessdraft Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 I think it's a little more than an infatuation. I want to act but I know it's a lose-lose situation. That's bad right?
Breezy Trousers Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 (edited) I think it's a little more than an infatuation. I want to act but I know it's a lose-lose situation. That's bad right? I figured if you were writing about it here and asking for advice, it probably was a little more than an infactuation. You know the answer to this, but I'm going to share some of what I recently learned. Take what you need & leave the rest. GuinnessD, you already know this is a lose-lose situation. Your own intuition is trying to protect you here. It's saying you don't have to get on that train to see there's a train wreck ahead. Listen to it. (I'm hoping one of you hasn't approached the other yet. That's when it crosses the line from something light into something trickier and potentially heavier. ) It's not "bad," it's just lack of awareness. If you focus less on her and more on gaining awareness on how affairs end badly, on why you are experiencing these feelings, etc., you'll probably be able to stay in your own yard, not hurt yourself or anyone else, and learn all you need to learn from this experience. You may even find your life has a deeper dimension (awareness) than before and your marriage is more meaningful. The other alternative is to blindly follow your impulses, feed your fantasies, hop on that train and see where it leads you. But I bet it won't lead you anyplace pretty. Just meander over to the OM/OW forum and see how it's working out for them. FDR said it's easier to stay out of wars than it is to pull out of wars. Likewise, it's easier to stay out of an affair than it is to pull out of an affair. (Don't think so? Again, check out the OM/OW forum.) ... You're not in an affair yet, so let's think things through. Let's be creative & just play with this -- Let's say you just want a fling ... some "new car" sex and excitement. Understandable! Well, what about the other person? She may not want to be used for a few hours and put away at your convenience like a sex toy. She may have feelings and actually fall in love with you. Read the OW Forum to see how that might play out .... Or let's say you have an affair, actually fall in love & "win" this girl. Okay. Now you may have "won" someone who enables you to deceive others and is either callous when it comes to getting what she wants or (more likely) has weak boundaries and has some denial/disconnect going on between her moral code and her actions when it comes to getting what she wants ..... And what she wants is you, someone who routinely shows her he is comfortable lying and manipulating his loved ones. That's hardly an emotionally intelligent way to start a healthy, happy relationship. That relationship will certainly be nothing like the one you have with your wife, which is happy by your own admission. Unlike the first marriage, the second marriage will also be laden with (unconscious) guilt & trust issues. Once the first wife is out of the picture, the excitement & danger is gone, and you two will be thrust in reality. It will be an entirely different relationship once it's out in the open. In four years time, the second marriage will no doubt start to get "a little stale" just like this marriage. Will you have a solid emotional foundation to work from? Will you have tools to cope? No? Probably time for another affair ... Because once you cross the line and have one affair, it's easier to have another ... and another ... Affairs are addictive. Research shows that sex addiction is not only real, it lights up more parts of the brain than crack addiction. Maybe men can compartmentalize. Maybe our culture even * trains * men to disconnect. But to what degree? I still believe you teach yourself what it is you want to learn. If you teach yourself that it's okay to betray and disconnect from the people you love, you are also teaching yourself that others will eventually betray and disconnect from you. It will be impossible for you to trust people and let anyone in. That's a hollow place to live. Live in that place and, soon, you'll need to find another body to fill up the emptiness. Preferably one that will allow herself to be used for a few hours and not talk back or create hassles for you because she's a diversion, not a person .... The disconnection will get worse and life can soon become a constant seeking but never finding. Boundaries are there to protect you, not to deprive you... Try to act your way into right thinking, even if you don't feel like it: Shut down around this girl. Don't encourage conversation. Avoid eye contact. Avoid her work area. She'll get the message. Eventually, so will you. Also, try to remember that you work with this person -- It's not a good idea to fish from the company pond / dip your pen in the company ink. ... Workplace affair partners tend to think they are clever & that no one will ever know. They are usually the last to know that everyone in the company already knows .... Affairs damage reputations. You can laugh it off all you want and say you don't care -- the fact is, the damage will be there, regardless of your bravado & even if no one dares tell you that to your face. Humans hate to be lied to & betrayed and tend to judge those who do that to other people ...I didn't make this up; I'm just reading the news to you .... Word gets around quickly in the industry, too. My girlfriend was shocked to learn that her affair partner got fired from his last job for having affairs with two subordinates. She didn't hear this from him. She heard this from two people in the industry who didn't even know him but heard heard the scoop in the course of doing business with other outsiders. You married young. You have a happy marriage. I think you're too young to realize how incredibly lucky you are. From what I read here, having a happy marriage is like winning the lottery these days! I'd hate for you to make a mistake and live to regret it. Some of us don't get a second opportunity like that. Wait this out. Edited November 3, 2011 by Breezy Trousers
Author guinnessdraft Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 I think it's a little more complicated than that. If I decide to pursue this other woman, I would get a divorce first. Then start all over again with her. I wouldn't have an affair. That's not fair to anyone involved. I would be giving up on something I have been building for a long for the potential of something else that might or might not be better. It's extremely risky. It's kind of like picking a life career and climbing the career ladder for many years. Then one day, you think about starting another career. You still love your current career but the other career sounds interesting too. What do you do?
Breezy Trousers Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I think it's a little more complicated than that. If I decide to pursue this other woman, I would get a divorce first. Then start all over again with her. I wouldn't have an affair. That's not fair to anyone involved. I would be giving up on something I have been building for a long for the potential of something else that might or might not be better. It's extremely risky. It's kind of like picking a life career and climbing the career ladder for many years. Then one day, you think about starting another career. You still love your current career but the other career sounds interesting too. What do you do? Ha! That response took me by surprise. I thought we were discussing a mild workplace infactuation. Sounds like you're in the throes of love fog or: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_relationship_energy Affairs are like drugs, and affairs are not just physical --- many are emotional and do not involve sex (EA). EA's are still affairs. Only you know. This is not to invalidate your feelings for the new woman. You sound like you're trying to be honorable here. I just hope you thoroughly familiarize yourself with the nature of affairs before making any rash decisions with your life, your wife's life and that woman's life. Best of luck to you.
The Blue Knight Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I think it's a little more complicated than that. If I decide to pursue this other woman, I would get a divorce first. Then start all over again with her. I wouldn't have an affair. That's not fair to anyone involved. I would be giving up on something I have been building for a long for the potential of something else that might or might not be better. It's extremely risky. It's kind of like picking a life career and climbing the career ladder for many years. Then one day, you think about starting another career. You still love your current career but the other career sounds interesting too. What do you do? Frankly you need to grow up guinness. We all have infatuations. You'll have them well into your 50s. You'll continue to meet new and interesting, and yes, attractive women all your life. That never ceases. You just set up boundaries and you don't act on such things. We aren't animals following impulses. We can make rational and correct decisions. Marriage isn't about latching onto someone because he or she is the best thing available at that moment, and then you decide to bail when something potentially better comes along. Marriage is about a lifetime commitment. Maybe you missed the fine print at your wedding. Reading what you wrote above, you should have remained single and just been a player all your life because your heart isn't in the marriage. Your comment in bold says it all. You talk about what's "fair to everyone" and then suggest that you would "do the right thing" and get a divorce before beginning another relationship? What a guy! Let me suggest that doing the right thing is to honor your vows and to love your wife as you promised to do. As someone else pointed out, finding a good spouse is like winning the lottery. They are a rare commodity. Try taking the time and reading some of the heartbreak of those in long term marriages who are very unhappy. That's the norm my friend. If you have a happy marriage and a great wife, you'd be a fool to mess with it. Let's reverse things. What if this was your wife throwing out similar comments on loveshack. How would you feel? Not very good I imagine. Try reading what you wrote above but make your wife the author of the posting. Wouldn't you feel awful that she felt so little about you and was all wrapped up in herself and the idea of moving past you? Finally, the last thing that catches my eye is your comments above is that there's nothing there about how bad this could hurt the person you married. You mention "I decide . . I wouldn't . . . I have" and it's all about how leaving your wife could affect you, but no mention of her whatsoever. Your wife is not a lucky woman. She has no idea the type of person she really married.
Author guinnessdraft Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 That's a little harsh. After writing that last post, I did realize that it sounded very selfish. I'm just trying to work things out. I haven't said anything or done anything to anyone so relax. Things aren't that simple. I haven't bailed or plan on bailing. When I got married, my heart and mind was in the right place. You can't predict how you will feel 5, 10, 15, or 50 years into the future.
Citizen Erased Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 That's a little harsh. After writing that last post, I did realize that it sounded very selfish. I'm just trying to work things out. I haven't said anything or done anything to anyone so relax. Things aren't that simple. I haven't bailed or plan on bailing. When I got married, my heart and mind was in the right place. You can't predict how you will feel 5, 10, 15, or 50 years into the future. That's true to an extent. But why then did you get married?
The Blue Knight Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 That's a little harsh. After writing that last post, I did realize that it sounded very selfish. I'm just trying to work things out. I haven't said anything or done anything to anyone so relax. Things aren't that simple. I haven't bailed or plan on bailing. When I got married, my heart and mind was in the right place. You can't predict how you will feel 5, 10, 15, or 50 years into the future. Well then allow me to quote your opening posting: "I love my wife and our relationship is great but every now then I would get infatuated with another woman." In your opening comments you used the active phrase "I love" to describe how you felt about your wife and went on to say your "relationship is great." Now in this last posting you state, "When I got married my heart and mind was in the right place." So which is it? You said at the outset that you were still in love with your wife and you had a great relationship. Now your last posting makes it sound like your feelings for your wife are past tense. My point is you're either not being honest in your posting or you're not being honest with yourself. One of your other postings also shifted from the original idea of having an innocent infatuation to considering leaving your wife. That even caught others reading your posting by surprise. It's your life bud. You have to make the choices. But this particular choice affects someone other than you. If that is what you choose to do fine. But don't run off and marry the next girl because infatuations will come and go in the years to come and if you can't deal with them maturely, then you're far better off just remaining single and playing the George Clooney role.
Mr. Marvellous Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 The best cure for illicit infatuations is a good distance. The farther you are, the less likely you'll think of her. But then, it's more challenging on your part since she's a colleague. Maybe time can be your best bet. Or maybe you can try focusing on her negative characteristics. They might put you off.
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