LilThalie Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 So basically I've been seeing this guy for about a month and everything's been going quite well. He treats me with great respect, he's very affectionate, he calls when he says he will, he let me set the pace of the development of our sexual relationship. So, I'd say I'm on to something great. There's just one problem while I do enjoy spending time with him, I'm not really physically attracted to him. That doesn't mean he can get me excited by the way he touches me etc., so basically it's not a problem of sexual satisfaction. It's in my head. Sometimes I look at him and I'm wondering what do I see in this guy. It sounds shallow and I feel really bad about it but I don't find him all that good looking. My best friend asked me when she saw a picture of him, why I didn't go and find someone better looking and even compared him to some guy we both know that isn't attractive at all. That even increased my doubts. Yet on the other hand, I enjoy the time I spend with him, we have great conversations, I love the way he kisses. I really don't want to loose this feeling but I know he doesn't deserve to put effort into something with someone who has as many doubts about the situation as I do. So do I wait and see if some physical attraction develops? Or do I let him go?
lionashtray Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 My last relationship was brief because it was like this. The guy was great in every way EXCEPT I just didn't find him sexually attractive. He was a good looking guy (others told me) but he just didn't do it for me. I cut him loose after two weeks as I imagined how sleeping with him would be - awkward and I felt that I would just be using him. Attraction wouldn't have grown with time/familiarity. A guy friend of mine is currently in a relationship with a girl he doesn't find attractive. He is able to just switch off during sex and enjoy it for what it is - sex. They've been together a year and I always tell him to end things with her as it's not fair. I think that men are better able to continue in a relationship if there is little or no sexual attraction. Women need the whole lot. Well generally speaking...
carhill Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Considering you're only a couple months out of relations with your ex and have posted threads about your experiences in that regard, perhaps that's a factor. Regardless, how you envision a person, whether situational (like when getting over an ex) or global (intrinsic attraction), is your truth. You don't feel this guy is good looking and you're not attracted sexually. Own that. If your head was in a different place, could you find him attractive? Unknown. Go with the known. Since you're in Uni, you'll meet a lot of men. I trust you're not looking for a marriage partner right now, rather to have fun and enjoyable relationships with young men you find attractive. Do that. Good luck.
counterman Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Just move on. My ex-girlfriend considered me husband material, only issue is that we were about around 18. She found me attractive at first but eventually it faded and she wondered how I even got her. I was attracted to her and the touch of her always got me going, but it got to the point where she didn't even want me to touch her. Looking back, I would say she wasn't that physically attracted to me in the first place... she had lots of doubts, which made her insecure and made me question our relationship many times. It would have been better if we didn't date at all, but then again I wouldn't have known what I know now. It grew to the point where she had zero attraction for me, and it was really awkward. Bare in mind, she never said she was not attracted to me, it just showed in her action and she took it out on me, as though it was my fault. So, I would say just move on and have fun with guys you do find physically attractive.
Duckduckgoose Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 On the flip side, I say keep the guy. Yeah he doesn't look that great, but everything else he does lines up fine with you. Use a little alcohol to take the edge off till you're totally comfortable with him (if you're so inclined). Physical attraction didn't develop with my exH overnight. All of my ex-bfs were much better looking. my exH had a way about him that charmed me though, and he became MUCH more attractive to me over time... including when he would dance around the apartment naked after work flopping his junk around You're not gonna find someone who has it all. I would take a guy that doesn't look so good but is compatible in all other areas as opposed to someone that makes me wet when I imagine his face, but is lacking in some vital things. We're all gonna get old, wrinkly, saggy, and generally less attractive as we age. At that point the other things start to matter so much more.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Yes, physical attraction can develop. I say wait and see what happens. Dating is about seeing if you are compatible. You like him, so you aren't "tricking" him. Perhaps it's time to think about looks in a different way they you use to. Sometimes we have chemistry with people that aren't stereotypically attractive. Worry less about what your friends thing and more about how this man makes you feel and how he treats you. Imagine how you would feel if he started seeing a really hot smokin blond/brunette/red head. Would you be jealous? Or not so much?
Nexus One Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 I can feel more physically attracted to someone after I get to know their personality or when I develop a crush on their personality. I.e. her physical appearance becomes more attractive to me after I develop a crush on her personality. But I'm a guy, so I don't know if it's the same for women, but I suspect it is. The thing is, you already know his personality. So I'm not sure there's a lot to gain in terms of physical attraction, unless you develop a crush on his personality or on other factors that make him more attractive.
counterman Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Yes, physical attraction can develop. I say wait and see what happens. Dating is about seeing if you are compatible. You like him, so you aren't "tricking" him. Perhaps it's time to think about looks in a different way they you use to. Sometimes we have chemistry with people that aren't stereotypically attractive. Worry less about what your friends thing and more about how this man makes you feel and how he treats you. Imagine how you would feel if he started seeing a really hot smokin blond/brunette/red head. Would you be jealous? Or not so much? This is key. Jealousy seems to spark something in people that makes them more attracted to the other person and value them more. It's been the case with some girls I know anyway. With my ex-girlfriend, when we were still together and near the end of our break-up, she encouraged me to flirt with other girls as a sick way to increase her attraction to me. But sometimes, you don't know what you've got until its gone. And I agree, worry less about what your friends think... Seriously, if a girl ever doubts my relationship with her just because of what her friend says, and if her opinion and thoughts are so dependent on her friends, I would leave her. Are you dating for your friend or for yourself? So what if your friend doesn't think he's good looking? Reason why I said move on is because I was in a situation where the girl was unsure about me... and that uncertainty showed and it grew. It would have saved me a lot of hurt if we had just ended it earlier. In saying that, doesn't mean your situation is like that. I'll relent and say give it a go and see how you feel... but if you remain unsure after a certain period and it feels like you're forcing yourself to go out with him and it's beginning to make you feel awkward and uncomfortable and insecure thoughts keep entering your mind, move on. By the way, if I were the guy in your situation and I knew you were unsure, I would move on and meet a girl who does find me attractive and I'll keep improving myself.
Eliana Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Im actually going through a similar situation, except we're on the very early stages of dating. He is caring, responsible, sweet and intelligent, decent job, etc, good boyfriend material... but there's just no attraction from my side. He is average good looking, average body, which is fine. So I wonder what is it about him that is lacking... Maybe a bit more attitude? A little "bad boy" side? (just wondering...) To be honest my instinct tells me to let him go his way, would just be wasting his time. And it's a shame there isn't a spark, because he'll make some girl really really happy.
CarrieT Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Count me as another in a similar situation. The guy I am seeing admits that he is falling in love with me and the intellectual and emotional connection that we have is unlike anything I have ever had. Being in my late 40's, I'm not about to dismiss it thinking I am going to find someone more compatible. If I were in my 20s, it would be a different story. I am realizing for me it has a great deal to do with pheremones and the timbre of his voice. After a recent evening of intimacy, he offered to leave me one of his shirts so that I would still be able to have some of his aroma with me and it was then that I discovered that his personal aroma does not excite me the way others' have. Also, his voice is melodious and smooth but not that deep. Now WHAT he says turns me on tremendously but his physical appearance does little for me. But I know that the spark of sexual chemistry peters out anyway so I am continuing to work through it and hopes that our communication and mental connection will help me bridge towards a physical desire.
counterman Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Im actually going through a similar situation, except we're on the very early stages of dating. He is caring, responsible, sweet and intelligent, decent job, etc, good boyfriend material... but there's just no attraction from my side. He is average good looking, average body, which is fine. So I wonder what is it about him that is lacking... Maybe a bit more attitude? A little "bad boy" side? (just wondering...) To be honest my instinct tells me to let him go his way, would just be wasting his time. And it's a shame there isn't a spark, because he'll make some girl really really happy. What's missing is a challenge. You have him, with all his great attributes, and I'm guessing you didn't have to work for it and you know you have it. He probably doesn't keep you on your toes, and probably doesn't have that edge to him to keep your fire burning. Funny thing is a good-looking douchebag might get you going but doesn't have all the attributes this guy has. If only there was that spark and all those great personal attributes.
AHardDaysNight Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 It can. But from my experience, it's always been one sided. Me developing a crush on her, or her on me, and the other side just wanting friendship. It's rare for both sides to develop physical attraction over time, although it does happen.
Eliana Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 What's missing is a challenge. You have him, with all his great attributes, and I'm guessing you didn't have to work for it and you know you have it. He probably doesn't keep you on your toes, and probably doesn't have that edge to him to keep your fire burning. Funny thing is a good-looking douchebag might get you going but doesn't have all the attributes this guy has. If only there was that spark and all those great personal attributes. You're very right. When we talk about physical attraction we are talking about primitive feelings, and I'm sad to say that sometimes those are more easily raised by men who show some ermm... boldness, which many douchebags excel at.
PJKino Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 That's why i laugh when a few women on here try to convince us women arent as visual or shallow as Men.maybe the ones with limited options Judging by all these posts women are just as much maybe more into looks and super visual,stop the bs
CarrieT Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 That's why i laugh when a few women on here try to convince us women arent as visual or shallow as Men.maybe the ones with limited options Judging by all these posts women are just as much maybe more into looks and super visual,stop the bs Some are and some are not. My lack of physical attraction to the guy I'm dating is not because he is unattractive at all; for me it is chemical. The last guy I met on a dating was someone I initially turned down because I was not attracted to his photo nor really his looks, but when he kissed me the first time and I SMELLED him, I was completely lost. And my ExHusband was 6'6", 320 pounds and mostly bald and not a looker. But he had something that drove me wild...
lionashtray Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 That's why i laugh when a few women on here try to convince us women arent as visual or shallow as Men.maybe the ones with limited options Judging by all these posts women are just as much maybe more into looks and super visual,stop the bs As I metioned earlier my ex was a good looking guy, many women thought so, it's just there was no attraction to me.
somedude81 Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Geez! What is wrong with all the women today? "I have a great boyfriend who is right for me in just about every way. But I'm not attracted to him. Should I end it?" What are you ladies expecting? I'm sorry, not all men can be male models who can make you melt with a touch. Grow up.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 That's why i laugh when a few women on here try to convince us women arent as visual or shallow as Men.maybe the ones with limited options Judging by all these posts women are just as much maybe more into looks and super visual,stop the bs Women can just as easily be attracted to good looking men as men are to good looking women. However, from my experience, men seem more prone to universal standards of beauty in women then women are in men. I have been attracted to all kinds of men. Some where classically handsome and some weren't. I have also been turned off by classically handsome guys and some not so classically handsome ones. I find men to be less fluid in this regard.
Yamaha Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 It's in my head. Sometimes I look at him and I'm wondering what do I see in this guy. It sounds shallow and I feel really bad about it but I don't find him all that good looking. My best friend asked me when she saw a picture of him, why I didn't go and find someone better looking and even compared him to some guy we both know that isn't attractive at all. That even increased my doubts. I doubt you will develop attraction based on your above txt. You already think he's not attractive and your friend enforced your belief. If you didn't have the above bias you might develop chemistry ( if you were open to the idea ) but I don't see that happening.
dasein Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 (edited) However, from my experience, men seem more prone to universal standards of beauty in women then women are in men. No. Men have exactly one "universal standard" of beauty in women today, "not fat." No woman who is "not fat" no matter how unattractive, varied her other features, has ever lacked for constant, multiple options in men in my experience, esp in the increasingly obese world we live in. I don't know any "not fat" women who are single other than by choice. Not so for men. Being "not fat" for men is a mere starting point, the first step, and guarantees absolutely nothing in and of itself where sexual acceptance by women is concerned. "Not fat" must accompany "not too skinny," "not too short," "not too bald," "not too hairy," together with all the social criteria that women impose on men that men definitely do not impose on women, for general sexual acceptance by most women. For women to be sexually accepted by most men, they need to be "not fat." That's all. To answer the OP, yes, physical attraction can develop from a baseline of "not attracted initially." It's statistically slim odds that it will though. Edited October 29, 2011 by dasein
PJKino Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 (edited) Women can just as easily be attracted to good looking men as men are to good looking women. However, from my experience, men seem more prone to universal standards of beauty in women then women are in men. I have been attracted to all kinds of men. Some where classically handsome and some weren't. I have also been turned off by classically handsome guys and some not so classically handsome ones. I find men to be less fluid in this regard. I dont buy that at all most of my friends and i have different tastes in women where one guy in our social circle had all the women fawning over him if your not over a certain height no matter what you look like facially or what kinda shape yuore in your dating pool is cut in half as a Man Men have more varied tastes imo Edited October 29, 2011 by PJKino
smiley.xox Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 (edited) So basically I've been seeing this guy for about a month and everything's been going quite well. He treats me with great respect, he's very affectionate, he calls when he says he will, he let me set the pace of the development of our sexual relationship. So, I'd say I'm on to something great. There's just one problem while I do enjoy spending time with him, I'm not really physically attracted to him. That doesn't mean he can get me excited by the way he touches me etc., so basically it's not a problem of sexual satisfaction. It's in my head. Sometimes I look at him and I'm wondering what do I see in this guy. It sounds shallow and I feel really bad about it but I don't find him all that good looking. My best friend asked me when she saw a picture of him, why I didn't go and find someone better looking and even compared him to some guy we both know that isn't attractive at all. That even increased my doubts. Yet on the other hand, I enjoy the time I spend with him, we have great conversations, I love the way he kisses. I really don't want to loose this feeling but I know he doesn't deserve to put effort into something with someone who has as many doubts about the situation as I do. So do I wait and see if some physical attraction develops? Or do I let him go? My first instinct is to tell you to let him go because you do not deserve him because yes you do sound shallow, BUT...I see hope in this situation because you are here for advice meaning that you are looking for some other sort of reassurance because your friend told you to find someone better looking. STOP letting the negative things that your friend says get to you and stop thinking of only yourself. You love the way he kisses so there is some sexual chemistry there and he is letting you set the pace which I think speaks volumes. He respects you and he treats you well. Stop caring what your friend thinks. The two of you have great conversations. Good communication is a plus. Stop caring what your friend or anyone else thinks. As soon as those thoughts enter your mind - throw them out of there. Fill your mind up with all the great things about this guy. Does his happiness mean anything to you? Do you make him happy? If you're going to let your friends tell you what to do in your love life then you shouldn't try to be dating seriously. The sooner you get those doubts out of your head the sooner you can get to know this potentially great guy and one day you may wake up and find him to be the most handsome man in your life. Edited October 30, 2011 by smiley.xox
lionashtray Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Geez! What is wrong with all the women today? "I have a great boyfriend who is right for me in just about every way. But I'm not attracted to him. Should I end it?" What are you ladies expecting? I'm sorry, not all men can be male models who can make you melt with a touch. Grow up. somedude doesn't appear to read posts properly! Just because a guy looks like a male model doesn't necessarily make him attractive the whole of the female species!!!
Author LilThalie Posted October 30, 2011 Author Posted October 30, 2011 Thanks a lot for all your thoughts and advice. I've been thinking about some of the topics that emerged here. First of all, I really, really like the guy, don't get me wrong on this one. And, yes, I would be super jealous if he went and found some other girl. I feel so save when he's around, it's hard to describe this feeling. But I know that I do have some issues which mainly shows up in my way of thinking. I do have these moments of doubt and I am scared of diving in and just let myself fall. He notices and I know it makes him insecure. It makes me sad when he asks me what he's doing wrong. Because he's doing everything just right and I tell him that but I know it's not enough of an explanation when I'm suddenly all distant and cold. There one thing that may explain some of this, it's some bad memory from early in my life when I was about 8 years old. My parents tried to explain me the facts of life in a simple way. They were taking a shower and told me to come in and showed me my fathers erect penis and made me touch it. I was scared, maybe that's ridiculous but I was so scared. The picture is so vivid in my head and I want to throw up thinking about it. Don't get me wrong my parents are great people otherwise and I'm sure they had no idea what they did to me with that. I don't want to tell anyone because they would have a wrong picture of my parent afterwards. I don't even know why it affected me so much, it wasn't such a big deal and I probably should have forgotten it by now. But somehow I didn't. Okay this was off-topic but I had to get it off my chest and I somehow think that explains some of my trouble about being phsically and sexually attracted to a guy.
counterman Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Thanks a lot for all your thoughts and advice. I've been thinking about some of the topics that emerged here. First of all, I really, really like the guy, don't get me wrong on this one. And, yes, I would be super jealous if he went and found some other girl. I feel so save when he's around, it's hard to describe this feeling. But I know that I do have some issues which mainly shows up in my way of thinking. I do have these moments of doubt and I am scared of diving in and just let myself fall. He notices and I know it makes him insecure. It makes me sad when he asks me what he's doing wrong. Because he's doing everything just right and I tell him that but I know it's not enough of an explanation when I'm suddenly all distant and cold. There one thing that may explain some of this, it's some bad memory from early in my life when I was about 8 years old. My parents tried to explain me the facts of life in a simple way. They were taking a shower and told me to come in and showed me my fathers erect penis and made me touch it. I was scared, maybe that's ridiculous but I was so scared. The picture is so vivid in my head and I want to throw up thinking about it. Don't get me wrong my parents are great people otherwise and I'm sure they had no idea what they did to me with that. I don't want to tell anyone because they would have a wrong picture of my parent afterwards. I don't even know why it affected me so much, it wasn't such a big deal and I probably should have forgotten it by now. But somehow I didn't. Okay this was off-topic but I had to get it off my chest and I somehow think that explains some of my trouble about being physically and sexually attracted to a guy. That would explain a lot... I'm sorry that you had to go through that and that it's still vivid in your mind. It's better that you let someone know then keep it in. I honestly don't know what to say. I guess if that had happened to me, it would be hard for me to be sexually attracted to anyone... I'm sorry if we've judged you in anyway. I really don't know what to say... I would suggest talking to a professional about it, if you feel it is greatly affecting you.
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