SunsetRed Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 I am wondering if any one here ended up taking anti depressants strictly because of the break up/pain caused by an MM. My initial break up was more than a year ago and I was healing appropriately until I allowed myself to be sucked back into his drama when he broke NC. Once I was sucked back in, he abruptly disposed of me, even more coldly and curtly than he had the first time we broke up. This latest disposal by him did something to me..I could actually feel a shift in my brain. I did get depressed and had no concentration for anything, so I decided to try anti depressants. I'm taking prozac and wow, it has really helped. I was afraid the meds would make me not feel like myself but I do feel like myself, I just have a boost to help me look on the bright side of things and i seem to have better impulse control. Before the prozac, I was dying to call or email him and ask him how he could dispose of me, now I am in control of that impulse and won't do it. I think I'm in a place where real healing can take place and I wont be tempted for a 3rd go around with him. Anyone else try anti depressants?
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 I'm glad the meds are helping, though don't even think ahead of a third attempt of contact by him. Focus on truly letting go, grieving and not caring either way. If he contacts you in the future, deal with it then..
chalkfarm Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Yes. Paxil. It has helped me a great deal. Without the drug I would have starved to death (I didn't eat for months following the break-up) or died from dehydration caused by crying. Now I eat and I rarely cry. The anti-anxiety part of these drugs keeps one from mental dwelling (short circuits the short term memory) and thus puts the kibosh on those dangerous impulses. I fear trying to get off the drug. My dosage has been halved with no major ill side effects (some initial diarrhea, not a big deal). But when the dose was cut down to a quarter, I had a couple of days where I thought I could choke the life out of some people. So the dose was upped a bit. I do wish I had been told that the drug can be VERY difficult to get off of. Of course, I probably would have asked for it anyway. Anything to take the pain away. Or just dull it a little. Good luck to you, Sunset!
Lemon Drop Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Yes, I got on Prozac when we broke up a year ago. It did help a lot, but at about the 8 month level I noticed I had gained 20 pounds and was forming "couchsores" on my butt. I would have to negotiate with myself to walk into the kitchen. For instance... ok if you walk in there to put this nasty dish away, you can have a candy bar... so anyway, I took myself off slowly and have regained my will to exercise somewhat. The whole not caring about him not texting also translates into your taxes not exactly getting done either. I'm negotiating with those people and others as well as myself. Something tells me I am getting sucked back into the whole thing too, Sunset because I saw my MM for the first time in a year a little while ago. Got closure, but it opened up some other stuff. Hence, here I am on Friday night digging up posts to teach myself not to fall in it again. As much as I am in love with him, I just do not want to hurt myself like that ever again and have managed to heal at least this much this past year, which as you know from your experience (and you too my new friend chalkfarm) sucked big time. I won't do that to myself again, and by letting him back in my heart would do that. Not to mention no one else does it for me but I have been on a few dates and actually bonded with someone a while ago, but it didn't work out. Sunset, it's good to let the AD's help you get over the pain and the obsessive part but once that is done if you notice you are out of energy or just lethargic, maybe cut down or wean off. chalkfarm, I was on Paxil too and LOVED it. It made me have "feelings of sunset" in my brain, like super happy feelings. That was in my panic attack days. It was not easy to get off of and I felt like I had been kicked by a horse for about 4 days with flu like feeling and a lot of anxiety. It's good to have a little help with maybe a half a valium when you are in the thick of it. Today I did not feel obsessed with checking messages or emails so that's progress.
Gentlegirl Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 I took Effexor for about 6 months. It helped a lot but hard to come off. GG
Author SunsetRed Posted October 29, 2011 Author Posted October 29, 2011 Yes, I got on Prozac when we broke up a year ago. It did help a lot, but at about the 8 month level I noticed I had gained 20 pounds and was forming "couchsores" on my butt. I would have to negotiate with myself to walk into the kitchen. For instance... ok if you walk in there to put this nasty dish away, you can have a candy bar... so anyway, I took myself off slowly and have regained my will to exercise somewhat. The whole not caring about him not texting also translates into your taxes not exactly getting done either. I'm negotiating with those people and others as well as myself. Something tells me I am getting sucked back into the whole thing too, Sunset because I saw my MM for the first time in a year a little while ago. Got closure, but it opened up some other stuff. Hence, here I am on Friday night digging up posts to teach myself not to fall in it again. As much as I am in love with him, I just do not want to hurt myself like that ever again and have managed to heal at least this much this past year, which as you know from your experience (and you too my new friend chalkfarm) sucked big time. I won't do that to myself again, and by letting him back in my heart would do that. Not to mention no one else does it for me but I have been on a few dates and actually bonded with someone a while ago, but it didn't work out. Sunset, it's good to let the AD's help you get over the pain and the obsessive part but once that is done if you notice you are out of energy or just lethargic, maybe cut down or wean off. chalkfarm, I was on Paxil too and LOVED it. It made me have "feelings of sunset" in my brain, like super happy feelings. That was in my panic attack days. It was not easy to get off of and I felt like I had been kicked by a horse for about 4 days with flu like feeling and a lot of anxiety. It's good to have a little help with maybe a half a valium when you are in the thick of it. Today I did not feel obsessed with checking messages or emails so that's progress. Be careful Lemon Drop..thats how I ended up nearly losing my mind. Our breakup was a year old and I had moved on, or so I thought and then he came back saying he still thought of me and things werent working out with the wife after all. I got sucked in for that brief moment and then BAM he disposed of me as if I didnt exist. At least the first time we broke up he would call and text and try to see me, but now ..nothing. I was obcessed with sending the "how could you do this to me email" and felt so worthless I couldnt concentrate on school or work. Hence, the meds which have helped. The meds are actually helping so much, its actually scary. I dont want him like I did and part of me still wants to want him because wanting him has been such a part of my life, its hard to let it go. Prozac is working, although I feel a little like I'm in la la land. I'm not thinking with as much detail and analyzation as I normally do, which is good since all I was thinking about was what I did wrong to make him stay with the wife. I wont be going for a 3rd round. I had thought he was "the one" and that we'd end up together someday but now I see it for what it is. Please Lemon Drop, stay away. Read all the posts on LS, even those from years ago, and you'll know how it would turn out if you let MM back into your life.
JaneyAmazed Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 I have often wondered how I made it through without anti-depressants. My mom was on them after she and my dad split. She said she couldn't function without them for a while. I never felt completely out of control though, and I could function most days. I think having to raise my two little girls helped me the most. I could concentrate on them even when I wasn't sure if my marriage would survive. There are days when I feel depressed but crying and IC and talking to my H actually helps me get rid of pent up emotion and then I feel better. I don't knock anti-depressants though. I think if you need them, go for it. I may need them yet!
Lemon Drop Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Be careful Lemon Drop..thats how I ended up nearly losing my mind. Our breakup was a year old and I had moved on, or so I thought and then he came back saying he still thought of me and things werent working out with the wife after all. I got sucked in for that brief moment and then BAM he disposed of me as if I didnt exist. At least the first time we broke up he would call and text and try to see me, but now ..nothing. I was obcessed with sending the "how could you do this to me email" and felt so worthless I couldnt concentrate on school or work. Hence, the meds which have helped. The meds are actually helping so much, its actually scary. I dont want him like I did and part of me still wants to want him because wanting him has been such a part of my life, its hard to let it go. Prozac is working, although I feel a little like I'm in la la land. I'm not thinking with as much detail and analyzation as I normally do, which is good since all I was thinking about was what I did wrong to make him stay with the wife. I wont be going for a 3rd round. I had thought he was "the one" and that we'd end up together someday but now I see it for what it is. Please Lemon Drop, stay away. Read all the posts on LS, even those from years ago, and you'll know how it would turn out if you let MM back into your life. Sunset, You are right and I am getting to be a mess again. This is even worse than the first time, because at least then, he was contacting me a lot, planning things, talking about the future, (well, you know you've BTDT). After over one year NC, I was finally ready to move forward and was dating, working out, doing new things with new people. The problem is that even though I have a lot of friends, everyone has their own families and boyfriends so I don't have single girlfriends to do things with. Wish there were a match.com for that. The best thing about Prozac is that when you start to think of calling him, texting him, etc. your mind just says "oh well, never mind" which is great and you don't obsess about it, but the bad part is it does the same with M & M's.... eat the whole bag? Oh well. Just watch out for that because it's not easy to take off the 20 or 30 lbs once you have moved past the obsessive part. I wish we could PM, I need coaching (for free like we used to do for our MM, ha!) I can't tell my IC because she pointed out last year all the betrayals involved and cautioned me to protect myself better and now here I am falling for it again?
seren Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Hi Sunset, I took anti depressants after my H's affair. I really couldn't have functioned without them, I had 3 months off work with stress and my Lupus went through the roof. Sadness and grief can very quickly become reactive depression, it becomes a cycle of despair which sometimes only anti depressants can help. I took Citalopram for around 8 months, they allowed me to sleep and to take the edge of things, not so much I felt spacey, I tried Prozac, but they weren't for me as they made me feel doped up. I liken taking anti depressants to having scaffolding around a crumbling building, it helps keep it together until it is healed or fixed enough to stand alone. I don't think they are the only answer as they simply mask things, I also sought to take back some control, look at what I needed to do to heal and when I felt able, came off the anti depressants, slowly. There should be no stigma to taking them, no more than wearing a plaster cast when your arm is broken. Shame you cannot plaster a broken heart. You (general) do what you need to to gather your strength and resolve to never go down that road again. I hope you find your solution and strength. Seren x
4321sn Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 My anxiety was horrible while in the affair and even though we are together it has remained. I am on klonopin now and it seems to be helping.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Congratulations Sunset. It's good to hear a story of success with medication. It greatly helped me and I don't know if I'd be alive without the clarity it helped me achieve. I was mismatched with someone who had a serious personality complex but who otherwise appeared to be everything I wanted in a woman. There seemed to be only ecstasy and agony and nothing in between and the relationship made me a wreck. The last words I said to her were "either you get on medication for whatever it is with your negativity, or it's over". Then after a moment I said "you know what? It's just too late"--and I decided to look at myself and take myself to a psychiatrist. Prozac helped me sharpen all the lines in my mind between facts and feelings and it also helped me lose any sense of social nervousness. It was never a crutch or a cop out--it was simply like a pair of eye glasses for my mind.
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I was always too scared to try anything like Prozac as my Mum has been hooked on them for about 20 years and cannot come off of them. However after reading some of the posts on this thread I kinda wish I'd given them the benefit of the doubt as I really could have used the help at the time. Nice to hear it has assisted some people in getting through the pain of the affair ending, I seriously don't think there's pain like it and no one should ever have to go though it! Like you I was being discarded by my MM and then he would randomly contact me giving false hope, it made me a total mess. He would then not talk to me for months on end, the longest he left me hanging was 15 months! Awful. This all started over 3 years ago yet I still get days where I miss him but now have a wonderful fiance who I love very much, I must have emotional masocism for still missing the xMM.
Ruby_shoes Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Yes - first time I was on Citalopram for 9 months, now I take a herbal anxiety relief with rhodiola rosea because coming off citalopram was a slow process and I don't want to keep reaching for the meds. It does help actually with the anxiety and takes the edge off the down days.
Author SunsetRed Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Lemon Drop..hang in there. You have free will so you can choose to go back one more time, but if you do, know this...you wont get closure and you'll end up getting hurt twice as bad. During the first break up with an MM, you can hang on to the hope that one day he'll come running back to you, saying it will never work out with the wife and you're the one. After the 2nd break up, its a final nail in the coffin, that the wife will always be more valuable and worthy of his love/time/attention that you are. My xMM came back because I HAD moved on and had begun seeing another guy and going back to school. I wanted him all over again but hesitated as I didnt trust him. Still, the want was there and my hope got reignited and then BAM, he disposes of me and guess what..he and the wife take a trip to Las Vegas, when 3 weeks earlier he was telling me that he knew it wouldnt work with her! All of this happened at the exact time my job began to get crazy and I feared a lay off. So, the meds have helped. Before the meds I was getting ready to send a pathetic email asking how could he do that to me after telling me he loved me and wanted me. Now that would be a pathetic email "why did you leave me by myself and take your wife to vegas?" I'm glad prozac helped me hang on to my dignity kept me from sending that email. I do see how meds are making me slack in other areas though, so I dont plan to be on them forever. I would probably blow a job interview at this point with my brain being so sedated. It is a temporary fix to help my take the final necessary steps to be over him for good. My self esteem cant take another blow from him so its time to move on. 99% of the posts on here are about heartbreak, or recovery from heartbreak. Less than 1% of posters have said "My MM realized I am the ONE and his wife is not. He left her and married me. She moved on as well and all of us lived happily ever after."
Lemon Drop Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Hi Sunset, I need to hear these specific warnings and I am heeding them. There is a certain amount of detachment (more disorders, whooppee) for me, thank God, because I'm no longer that young woman who believes in fairy tales coming true. The detached part is that we have not resumed things, we are just in contact. He has a date he says he is adhering to (uh huh) and I am resuming my prior progress and moving forward and holding no illusions and just a little hope. Having attended other rodeos (just not with MM) I know there is a lot of bullcrap involved and I'm not really interested in all the drama that is necessary for him to go through as he detaches. This is his personal "roping event" or bullride and it's icky. I would much rather date someone who has done the work (as I have) to be ready for a R and be able to concentrate on fun times with me... his fun times won't be for a while and it's not my job to get him past it. I've decided to not initiate any 1) texts 2)emails 3)phone calls 4)carrier pigeon notes and will only answer them. We don't have all the fun stuff we used to have anymore so what is left? Not much. Luckily, there are a lot of things going on for me right now and I think the initial anxiety is over now that I've thought through it and (as usual) done the forensics on it here and other places. The good news is that I've decided to exercise twice as much and am finally seeing the results. I'm semi-retired so I have the time to explore all kinds of things and am taking classes. Sunset, you sound really positive.. just remember that sometimes when we are sad for a while, the brain forgets how to produce those happy feelings anymore, just like the thyroid hormone, or insulin, etc. You won't need it forever, just till things get more settled. I really do appreciate your help, thank you.
Lemon Drop Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Also, Sunset I meant to say I am sorry for your heartache. I am not glad you had it and have it still, but there is a certain faith and hope that is wonderful in some people, and that was you. Some people are all boarded up and are forever closed for business. Sometimes bad things happen and it makes you wary of answering the door, but that also means you won't be able to have the good things walk through it either. The doorbell rings.. maybe it's a flaming turd, but maybe it's 2 dozen roses... you have to at least go peek out a window to see which one it is. The good news is, you opened it and even though it was not a good outcome, it could have been worse. Maybe he did you a favor and saved you years of grief as he yo yo'd between his wife and you ... that is about him and probably not her OR you. You don't want someone who only wants you 3 weeks worth or yo yo's back and forth. He does not deserve to take away your dignity and he doesn't deserve you. As my best friend would say ... ' NEXT " !!!!!
MissBee Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Quite honestly, I absolutely refuse to let ANY man - married or not - drive me to a place where I have to medicate myself in order to work through it. In a way, I see that as admitting that he still has so much power over me and has influenced my life THAT much that I need medical help in order to get over the loss of his sorry ass. Ain't happening. There's a very SIMPLE secret to this method - NEVER give more than you're getting, and you won't find yourself IN this position. Ditto! I was typing a response and saw yours and it pretty much sums it up.
Barrsitter Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I have never taken anti-depressants or anti-anxiolitic drugs but I have many clients who have. I greatly respect anyone who needs such drugs. For me, the best drug was saying to my xMM.....f$#@ you, Charlie! I'm outta here! Anyone who thinks affairs with married people are harmless, should read this thread. Anyone thinking of reconnecting with a former MM/MW should ask to see their divorce papers first. Blessings, B
Barrsitter Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Lemon Drop, You said: "I've decided to not initiate any 1) texts 2)emails 3)phone calls 4)carrier pigeon notes and will only answer them." NC is NC. Answering his messages is allowing yourself to break the NC rule. If you really want to be free of someone who is yanking your chain, you will free yourself by sticking with NC until he produces divorce papers. If you want to have contact, go ahead, but don't be surprised if you get your heart broken again. These married clowns need a swift kick in the balls, in my view.
Lemon Drop Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 So here it is, however many weeks later and it's trickled down again (like the last time) to very little contact (input) from him. I'm sad and I've been anxious again for days. I can't stand it, the not hearing from, the anxiety, the missing and the hoping. It's ironic, I have probably 6 men I could choose from who call me and ask me to do things with them, men who communicate, who are available. I think I need to say this is the last day I am going to feel this way. I need to put my head on straight and stop this. I've been single a long time, why am I letting this married man treat me in a way I would never put up with from a single one? I broke my own no contacting rule and texted him to say I have a feeling something is wrong and asking him to just be honest with me. No answer. This is not OK. Basically, I was over him, and now with minimal input from him, I'm unbalanced again. Maybe I just need to feel angry so I can just get past the worst of it, put walls up, lock the doors, man the moats. I should have known better, I am worth more than this! Damn it!
Author SunsetRed Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 So here it is, however many weeks later and it's trickled down again (like the last time) to very little contact (input) from him. I'm sad and I've been anxious again for days. I can't stand it, the not hearing from, the anxiety, the missing and the hoping. It's ironic, I have probably 6 men I could choose from who call me and ask me to do things with them, men who communicate, who are available. I think I need to say this is the last day I am going to feel this way. I need to put my head on straight and stop this. I've been single a long time, why am I letting this married man treat me in a way I would never put up with from a single one? I broke my own no contacting rule and texted him to say I have a feeling something is wrong and asking him to just be honest with me. No answer. This is not OK. Basically, I was over him, and now with minimal input from him, I'm unbalanced again. Maybe I just need to feel angry so I can just get past the worst of it, put walls up, lock the doors, man the moats. I should have known better, I am worth more than this! Damn it! This was me, Lemon..esp where you said basically I was over him and then with minimal input I became unbalanced. Thats all it took was him coming back a year later, dropping a crumb that he might be ready to leave the wife now.... and guess what..did he leave, hell no..it was just a crumb. he must've felt out of control with me moving on and not contacting him, so he had to regain control and keep me dangling on a thread again. I too have other options and other men who want to spend time with me, yet there is this sick part of me that feels like he is the one and I should do anything to keep him. Well I will say the meds have helped. I hope to not be on them forever because while they numb the part of me that craves him, they also numb the part of me that feels joy. Being able to do NC has been empowering and I hope to soon be completely over this for good, as I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Lemon Drop Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 White Pointer, This is a really good explanation of medications and their use, it will be helpful for a lot of people. Sunset Red, our situations do sound very similar. When I look back (using insight) I wonder if part of his appeal is that he is unavailable. I think it goes back to our FOO, if our fathers were unavailable and we had to work to get their attention and favor. Also, I saw my Mother do that with him. If I could never get his approval, why would I be attracted to a man who was available and loved me for free when there is someone who is not available and who loving comes at a great cost? This seems like it would be easily overcome if we would just realize it and shut off the process. I have overcome a lot worse and frankly, I am sick of this. It is just not healthy or even smart. From now on I will only seek love that is available and healthy. I am able to say I will not seek contact or obsess. I will move forward with my life and have the courage to take new chances. I will go out for a Coke or a coffee when someone asks. I will meet new people and do things I have wanted to do. I will be productive. I will not give my beloved MM the space in my brain or my heart. I will reserve my love and good deeds for someone who gives back what I give. I will open up the walls, moats and safety valves just a little to let someone in. I will put one foot in front of the other and not stay in this place where He likes me to be, which is waiting to see him, to hear from him, for him to decide, for his processes, for his work, for his family, for his needs, for his due process, for his timing, for his desires, for his hidden agendas, for his fevers, for his winters, for his springs, for his ship to come in, for his bottom line, for his rock bottom for his pleasure. I have my own needs and they are more important to me than his. My backpedaling and waiting is in lock step with his putting me on hold. It takes courage to go out in life and do something new and different and writing this is helping me to find it. I'm sick of wallowing, I'm mad at myself for having hope and allowing myself to go through this again. Sorry, Sunset, it's time for us to love ourselves more than we do the MM. How dare they assume we will sit at home waiting for them while they live. We are not destined for this, Sunset, I wish both of us luck in a quick and total recovery from this. LD
chels Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Sunset, I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents on the original question about antidepressants, as well as reiterate all of the other fantastic replies that you are better than this and YOU know in YOUR heart and mind that this is ridiculous. Emotions are powerful, but they're just that- emotions. They don't have to control your behavior, and the fact that you know you deserve better should give you the strength to overcome the fleeting urges and pain caused by emotions. Anyway, several years ago, I ended it with my "first love." The relationship was all-around bad but I was absolutely comatose with the pain of loss- and also guilt, because I was the one who ended it. After 2 months of crying, holing up in my house for weeks without speaking to anyone, breaking down at work, and the whole gamut of embarrassing situations, I finally saw a psychiatrist and he prescribed Zoloft. Like everyone else, I started out at a low dose and worked up to the daily dosage that worked for me (it took a little more than a month to get to that point.) My experience is this: I didn't immediately feel better just because I'd popped a pill. In fact, after several weeks, I started to think they weren't doing anything at all. But gradually I started to notice that I didn't feel "quite as bad." Like, it didn't seem SO terrible to get up, shower, and go to work. This is not to say that I felt GOOD, it's just that I could go about my daily routine without feeling like I was dragging through a sandpit or constantly fighting back tears. The pain was still there, but I became far more functional and I was able to better control my emotions. My doctor said it best when he told me "we just want to take the edge off while you're healing." Kind of like taking a painkiller after a major surgery. You're not gonna feel 100%, but at least you won't be in agony all the time. I took Zoloft for 6 months and I really think it helped me get through the hardest part of the breakup. I stopped jeopardizing my job by staying home from work all the time, I stopped isolating myself from friends and family, and I stopped becoming overwhelmed with the desire to call or text my ex during my most hysterical moments. It was still very hard to get over him, but it didn't seem SO impossible because of the antidepressants. And maybe because I didn't take them for very long, I had no trouble easing off of the drug. My doctor reduced my daily dosage gradually and I can't say I remember feeling any different. By the time I was done with my last prescription, I can honestly say I was a healthy, stable person.
merlin2 Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 I can't beleive all the references on here to prozac-is this thread sponsored by a pharmaceutical company???wtf? cant people own their emotions these days?LOVE HURTS-it's like a drug,you hurt,you work through it in time and get over it.simple.Prozac will NOT help you get over someone-it will simply make your mind foggier ,not to mention the many possible side effects . I hope no-one pays attention to these nonsense posts,from drug-addled eejits! # Time is the only healer,along with good friends you can talk to,there's absolutely no quick fix and especially not Prozac!!
merlin2 Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 DRUGS are NOT the answer to relationships ending-it's part of life.It's painful,yes,but sometimes you have to get a grip and weather the storm.If you really had loss,like bereavement of a family member etc ,you'd realise you cant escape hurt,you have to work through it.Forget zoloft,prozac or whatever these so-called medics are selling you and realise there's no quick fix to loss of any sort.
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