kvandyke02 Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 I recently got married for the second time. A couple of months leading up to the wedding I found myself unable to stop obsessing about my husband's past lover. The reason, I believe is because I found out a few months into the relationship that he had slept with her while he was sleeping with me. Here's the thing: I was married at the time. BUT, I knew it was over. I am having trouble because I have now asked soooo many questions and the answers I have received I cannot handle. For example, he told me that this girls is "someone he would happen to run into when he was drunk and have sex with". He also told me that he didn't want to date her but she was fun to drink with and party with. He is younger than me by a couple of years and I guess what I am struggling with is that while I was married for 10 years, he was off having sex with random people. The other thing that bothers me is that he said he had sex with her about 5 times over a six month period. This is hard for me to understand. If he didn't 'like' her, then why did he keep sleeping with her?? HE is the best man I have ever been with and I am no angel...see above that I cheated on my first husband with him. However, I feel that he mislead me in the beginning by telling me that he had "no sex life" before me and that he would have sex about once every six months...only to find out that was all a lie. I have been to counseling but it has not stopped me from Constantly imaging the two of them together. Also, her name bothers me to no end. It just keeps ringing in my ears all day long. I bring it up all the time and it has caused huge fights. I need to know how to stop before I am divorced for the second time!
loversquarrel Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 I think your first mistake was cheating. Your second mistake was getting re-married. Your third mistake was marrying the guy you cheated on your ex-husband with, not too mention a.) he's younger than you, and b.) he was sleeping with another woman (or women) while he was having an affair with you and telling you he didn't have much of a sexual life before you? He was supposed to wait for you while you were married for 10 yrs.? I hate to tell you this but your marriage may be doomed. How can you expect to have any trust in eachother? You are both cheaters and that classifies you both as being less than trustworthy. Bottom line is, I wouldn't trust him any more than he should trust you.
Author kvandyke02 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Posted October 29, 2011 I guess what I left out before is that we really are in love and in fact are currently trying to get pregnant. In counseling, I am trying to deal with past issues such as a sexual assault from a family member, my first husband cheating on me, etc. I think these issues play a major role in my current obsession with this girl. I also wouldn't necessarily classify my current husband as a cheater, being that we weren't really together when he was sleeping with her. Actually, he tells me it only happened once shortly after we had only been together once. He assures me all the time that I am the only one for him and that he never even thinks about anyone else. I trust him, I just want to stop the mental images I have of the two of them. I know what she looks like and that just makes it worse. I guess I thought in the beginning that I had found this "diamond in the rough" that never had a girlfriend and I felt very special. Now I know different. He has quite a past, I believe he has slept with 20+ women. Now, all I can think about when I look at him, and especially during sex, is his promiscuity. I don't even have a right to though because I have had many, many more than he has for sure. The counselor suggested that I have a warped idea of sex and that I am creating a crisis because I tend to work better when there is a crisis. I'm sick and tired of hearing, "it's in the past, just get over it, etc." That doesn't work for me. All I do know is that it is consuming me and if it doesn't stop, we will not make it. I need some advice on how to get this girl off of my brain before I drive myself and my husband crazy.
RaysofHope Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 (edited) Lol, you got what you deserved for cheating on your first husband. What did you expect when you decide to have a relationship with someone who will support your lying and cheating? What a perfect man, full of integrity, to raise your children. Now you can finally experience what you put your ex-husband through. Edited October 29, 2011 by RaysofHope
Feelin Frisky Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Therapy seems to not have been enough. There's is absolutely nothing to be lost and everything to be gained by going a step further and seeing a real psychiatrist. Your concerns are rooted in reality and not unreasonable, but the intensity and repetietiveness are typical of patterns driven by chemistry which can be lessened with medication that works specifically on that without doping you up or causing you to not otherwise be yourself. I was in a similar state and this was my way to finally be able to think and feel differently and realize how much was what I was upset about and how much of it was me blowing it into a seemingly endless crisis. I promise, it's safe and you can turn back if it doesn't work. It's just something to think about since the non-addicting medicine is there and helping millions of people escape their own circular obsessions. Good luck.
Author kvandyke02 Posted October 30, 2011 Author Posted October 30, 2011 Maybe what I really need to find out is if this relationship he had with this girl is normal. I mean, who sleeps with someone they don't like over and over again?? Personally, she sounds like a slut because he said she used to just show up at his house at 3 or 4 in the morning and give him oral sex. Its hard for me to understand this and I can't get over the fact that he kept going back to her even though he said she wasn't anybody he would have ever brought around his parents. I just want the mental images to stop. I want to get on with my life and be happy and stop obsessing. I've never been like this before, even though I know I am a jealous and insecure person. It is taking over and I'm starting not to recognize myself.
loversquarrel Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 the sex was probably really good, thats probably why he kept in touch with her.
Author kvandyke02 Posted October 30, 2011 Author Posted October 30, 2011 I really have no idea why I am obsessing over this when I know how pitiful and desperate she must have been. I've already established that she isn't worth my time or concern but it still finds its way to creep back into my mind. I wish I could just make it go away so that I am not constantly bringing it up whenever I am pissed or if I have been drinking. In counseling, it seems that we are going way back into my history to find out why I am acting this way but not really dealing with the problem at hand. That is why I ended up here at this forum. Sometimes I wish I could just 'snap out of it' and get on with my life but just when I think I have, it all comes rushing back often with a vengeance. I really want this relationship to work and I feel like I have learned from my mistakes in my first marriage in order to make it work. I've got to get a handle on this jealousy and trust my husband. He didn't cheat on me with this girl and I don't believe he would ever cheat. I just can't make the mental images stop. I know it sounds really stupid and immature, but I go through entire scenarios from how they would meet up, being in his bed, the things that he said to her, etc. It's literally driving me crazy! Even as I'm typing this I know it sounds like I'm insane or something for torturing myself with this. I guess if anyone has ever conquered anything like this, please let me know how to do it. I'm getting desperate!!
daisydukes Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) I understand how you feel ( sorta) I always obsess over the stupidest things mainly because I have OCD but that is besides the point. I obsess over my BF all the time! I wonder what is he up to? Who is he flirting with at work?? Why he did leave so suddenly did he call up someone else for a booty call etc,etc. Like for example right now I am obsessing over why my BF is mad at me and will he forgive me?? Edited October 31, 2011 by daisydukes
green_tea Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I mean, who sleeps with someone they don't like over and over again?? Men with no conscience do this, they like getting easy sex.
Gemini.rain Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I don't want to judge you. Now everything has happened. The only thing you have to ask to yourself is do you still want to live with your now husband and trust him and accept anything he did and now doing things and then keep put the obsession into you or let him go and start a new life with a peaceful heart? If you want to stay still with your now husband, forget about all the obsession and accept all his past and talk to him. I hope the best only for you. Remember to love yourself first. Hugs, Gemini.rain
blueskyday Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 It's not this girl that you are worried about. It's what she STANDS for and what that means to your relationship. What exactly are you afraid of? That he will cheat? Be honest with yourself. Or are you worried that he isn't honest? Maybe you think he knew all about your marriage, etc, while you didn't know what he was up to. Perhaps you feel you made a mistake in marrying him and you are putting this regret on him? I don't know. I just think it's more than this girl. When I can't stop thinking about something, it's because I'm either afraid of something outside of my control, or I'm not facing the truth about something inside me. It's hard because you how you two started your relationship. Are you feeling guilty about that and in need of forgiving yourself? I've heard it said when we have obsessive thoughts it's because we are trying to avoid feeling pain of some sort. Does this ring true for you? I would say get to couples therapy and build a good foundation for your marriage. You don't want this stuff going underground and growing, eventually ruining your chances at happiness.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Maybe what I really need to find out is if this relationship he had with this girl is normal. I mean, who sleeps with someone they don't like over and over again?? Personally, she sounds like a slut because he said she used to just show up at his house at 3 or 4 in the morning and give him oral sex. Its hard for me to understand this and I can't get over the fact that he kept going back to her even though he said she wasn't anybody he would have ever brought around his parents. I just want the mental images to stop. I want to get on with my life and be happy and stop obsessing. I've never been like this before, even though I know I am a jealous and insecure person. It is taking over and I'm starting not to recognize myself. First... guys do that kind of thing. Second... Yes she does sound like a slut, but it's 10 times worse to be cheating. Third... You want the obsession to stop, but the problem is you are insecure. Your last relationship was crap.... you need to get over that. I think you probably got married too soon. You are clearly still dealing with this emotionally. Additionally this guy is younger and has less relationship experience. I think you are starting to realize that maybe you picked another guy who is a high risk cheater. Men who married older women cheat at nearly double the rate.... I've heard it over 60%. The same with men who marry women that make more money than them.
loversquarrel Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Well golly gosh. It would appear someone didn't actually READ the entire thread or they'd KNOW that good old husband number #1 couldn't keep it in his pants. So what exactly would it be that she put her ex-husband 'through?' His own medicine? Yeah, my heart's bleeding for him. KV, there are two kinds of women in this world. Those you have 'fun' with (the type that men don't take seriously but use for sex and good times) and those they DO take seriously (the ones they actually settle down with and marry, such as yourself). This girl was the type you have 'fun' with. She actually sounds pretty damned pitiful if she was showing up at his door at 4:00 am just to blow him. God, how desperate. I'm actually trying to figure out why you'd be obsessed with someone this desperate and pitiful? When he says he didn't 'like' her, he probably means he didn't look at her as girlfriend material. LOL...I don't know too many guys who WOULD see this bimbo - whose stupid enough to go traipsing through the streets in the wee hours of the morning just to show up at some guy's house to give him a BJ - as 'girlfriend' material. Most would see her as an unpaid call girl. But there are VERY few men who would turn down that type of free servicing. I actually wonder how many OTHER guys she was servicing when she wasn't over his house? LOL - I'm sure his pitiful ego would have him believe HE was the only one. Highly unlikely. I didn't realize there were only two types of women in this world, that's rather not much of a variety. How about flipping that argument and saying that there are only two types of guys in the world - guys you have "fun" with and guys that are "relationship" material? Maybe KVANDYKE02 ended up marrying the "fun" guy instead of the "relationship" guy. As far as I'm concerned men can be categorized as easily as women.
Author kvandyke02 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 I am truly and honestly not worried so much about him cheating. It's now mainly about the jealousy of this "relationship" he had with this girl. Even though I know it was just about sex, I think that's what makes me so sick about it. I do think I feel some guilt about how our relationship started and maybe haven't yet forgiven myself for that but I'm not sure why it would be manifesting itself in this way. Unless, I am trying to push him away...I don't know, I can't figure it out for the life of me. Some of the posts have been very helpful and others that are telling me that it must of been great sex, etc. isn't what I really want to hear because I've already built it up as better than great. He's never hinted that it wasn't. I want to get back to where we were before I started doing this. We used to have a great relationship and now it is extremely strained. I have begun to distant myself from him or find ways to throw this in his face. Like today, I told him he was a "scumbag" because he sleeps with trashy women. That's a really nice thing to say to your new husband, huh? I feel like it is getting worse by the day. It's taking a physical toll on me now where I don't want to get out of bed. The thing that keeps playing over and over in my head is when he told me that they would get drunk, happen to run into each other and f*ck. That is just downright gross to me. But I have never been a great looking single guy in my 20's either. While he was living his life this way, I was married and having children so maybe I'm just jealous that I didn't ever experience casual sex. I don't think I would actually be able to do that though because sex to me could never be mindless. Yes, I know, guys like sex, and easy sex that they don't even have to work for is even better. It just sickens me that I now know all these details (that I insisted on knowing!) and now have to deal with the repercussions. Ignorance is bliss, but unfortunately, it's too late for that. Sometimes, I think it is just some sign of how madly in love I am with him because I knew things similar to this about my ex-husband and NEVER acted or obsessed like this. I have been trying to look at it in this light, like when I start not caring or being jealous about him being with other women, then I must not really love him. But I think that view is a little warped too because if I truly loved him, I would not be persecuting him like this daily.
loversquarrel Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 On a serious note, have you ever been diagnosed with OCD? You sound like you obsess very much the same way I do. I have OCD and I have suffered from tremendously invasive thoughts and I know exactly what you're going through and it is not easy by any means. I view sex the same way you do, I am a guy and I honestly can say that I just can't sleep with someone unless I have some sort of emotional connection with them. Maybe you're having an issue because you have a different set of values than he does? Is it because she was viewed as meaningless sex and that bothers you? Or is it because it happened while you were seeing him? You have to really try and not let it your thoughts cause you to have outbursts at him because you were still married at the time. I went through something very similar with a past girlfriend of mine. She had quite a checkered past and only one guy she was with stood out in my mind for some strange unknown reason. I cared about her and loved her but I found that her past was quite different than mine and my intrusive thoughts were really getting to me and caused an awful lot of stress and anxiety between the both of us. I discovered that as much as I loved her I really needed to be with someone who was more similar to me in that regard, someone who shared the same values about intimacy. I was able to break up because I knew I just couldn't let it go. It hurt the both of us, but when I did I was able to find those shared values with someone else and it is very relieving to know I don't have to live with those thoughts. Some people call it being insecure, although a persons past can sometimes cause insecurities, I know it had more to do with OCD. It sucks and there really isn't much you can do about it. Its one of those disorders that can really create alot of turmoil in your life. Medications may help your anxiety and depression that come with it, but the thoughts will remain and it will take a **** load of time for them to pass if ever.
daisydukes Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I suffer from it too and it is horrible. I take medication and have tried cognitive therapy and yes it helped for little while but it isn't something you can switch off like a light switch. I try not to obsess but sometimes it just happens and I like I said I wish I could switch it off like a light switch but I can't.
road Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Let guess if I have the facts right: You were married and cheating. You married the guy you were cheating with. You married a guy that had no problem stabbing you BH in the back. You married cheater and then are surprised to find out he cheated on you. Did I get anything wrong?
Author kvandyke02 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 I guess you're right. I guess it's over. I am just an idiot for thinking that I could have happiness when really I'm just worthless for cheating on my first husband. I did it in response to his cheating but just ended up falling in love with the guy. Now I'm screwed because it was doomed to begin with. I have already told him it's over. I'm sure it won't be a big surprise to the people who know how we started things anyway.
88monsters Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Hello there, I am not too sure if my reply came too late, but I was, or still am in a similar situation as you. I get obsessed with my partner's past relationships, and get affected by them. I always think and imagine the things they have done, the places they have been to, etc. I definitely understand that it is not an easy thing to deal with. I am for sure, someone who gets jealous very easily as well. Althought my relationship wasn't with a divorcee (I wouldn't want to name you and your husband a cheater or anything like that), I felt that what we have in common is that we are both affected by the past. I want to share with you that it takes a lot to feel better. I have been in this situation for a long time, almost a year and more. I am better, but I wouldn't say I have entirely overcomes the issue of the past. It definitely helps if your partner is patient with you and tries his best to reassure you that you are the one who really matters to him now. I know it's really easy for our minds to wander and imagine all sorts of things but I keep telling myself that I am the only person who can help myself. He can only reassure you this much, the rest of it is really up to your determinations to rid this problem. I also do read self help books and websites that talk about focusing on the present. Not the past. Simply because as much as we hope to be his first and only partner, it remains a fact that we can never do anything to change the past. It's natural that awful thoughts keep coming to you. It's always easy to feed on these thoughts. That's why I said we really need to make the conscious effort to make the change. It's still coming back to me once in a while, sometimes even more often than I would like. Not to forget that I still see his ex-partner frequently as we are in the same course. But I just keep telling myself that I am the one for him, and I know that he is treating me differently from how he treated the rest. Not too sure if this helped, but I hope things get better for you. I wish you all the best!
loversquarrel Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 First of all, you are not worthless. Alot of people revenge cheat and I think those that do have already decided the marriage was no longer salvageable. I did it to my ex-wife on the way out just to spite her as she had cheated on me several times throughout our marriage. I really don't care what anyone thinks of what I did, she certainly deserved it. Secondly, your mistake wasn't so much who you married but rather that you may have married to soon and he may have been a distraction from the pain you were feeling from your first marriage. Whatever the case you may need to seek the right kind of therapist that can help you deal with the pain in your life, not just what's going on in your marriage. Just be thankful children aren't involved, it would be that much more difficult. I wish you luck, believe me I know how hard it can be.
road Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I guess you're right. I guess it's over. I am just an idiot for thinking that I could have happiness when really I'm just worthless for cheating on my first husband. I did it in response to his cheating but just ended up falling in love with the guy. Now I'm screwed because it was doomed to begin with. I have already told him it's over. I'm sure it won't be a big surprise to the people who know how we started things anyway. You are moving in the right direction now. You are wiser now then before. Thing is it would have been better to of found a marriage board before you had found the OM. Though now you know how to find help. Also how to better judge character in men.
Author kvandyke02 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 After a near breakdown last night, my husband told me he was willing to do anything to keep us together even if it meant going to counseling. We have decided to try and work this out. I still have the overwhelming obsessive thoughts about the two of them and their "arrangement" I'll call it. It drives me insane. I can't sleep, work, eat, or do anything!! I feel like this is taking over my life and I hate it! I'm going to my counselor on Friday and hopefully I can get a handle on this once and for all. She has already diagnosed me with depression and borderline personality disorder so this is all working against me. I am terrified that the counseling isn't going to work though because it hasn't one lick yet. I must enjoy torturing myself or something because that is the only reason I can figure that I keep doing this. I wake up every morning thinking, "Ok, today, I'm not going to obsess about this girl and what they did, etc." but then it's only a matter of time before it starts and then never ends....goes all day. I have found some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who does this but so far no one really knows how to make it stop. The only sure fire way would be to end our relationship, and that just makes no sense. He really is good to me, loves me unconditionally, and makes me very happy otherwise. He has an awesome, loving, understanding family and has a lot a great friends. I just don't know why I want to ruin this. Maybe to punish myself for how it all started?? But that is really unfair to him. I hope I get this figured out soon!!!!
Trimmer Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I was wondering what I would do for my 5000th post on LS, and then I saw this: I guess what I left out before is that we really are in love and in fact are currently trying to get pregnant. ...and realized that one of the things I am most passionate about on here is speaking for children of turbulent relationships who can't speak for themselves. Please, please - PLEASE - do NOT get pregnant until you have stabilized yourself and your relationship. People sometimes fantasize that having a child will "bring us closer together", but if you don't start out from a somewhat stable position, it is more likely to just add more tension and anxiety and accelerate your downfall. Even without a child, you have a difficult road ahead of you to heal, recover, and grow in this relationship. A child brought into this unstable mix is not likely to make that easier, but rather harder, and if things do come apart, having a child involved will greatly complicate everything that happens for the next 20 years. Now, I know and agree with the conventional wisdom that "there's never a perfect time to have a child", and you can never guarantee happiness, success, etc. but I don't think you should take that as support to believe that getting pregnant would be a good idea at such an unstable time in your life and your relationship. All I do know is that it is consuming me and if it doesn't stop, we will not make it. She has already diagnosed me with depression and borderline personality disorder so this is all working against me. I am terrified that the counseling isn't going to work though because it hasn't one lick yet. This is not the time to get pregnant. This is not the time to create a life that will depend on you and your husband for the next 20 years. Do the work to get stabilized, and then move forward from there.
88monsters Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 After a near breakdown last night, my husband told me he was willing to do anything to keep us together even if it meant going to counseling. We have decided to try and work this out. I still have the overwhelming obsessive thoughts about the two of them and their "arrangement" I'll call it. It drives me insane. I can't sleep, work, eat, or do anything!! I feel like this is taking over my life and I hate it! I'm going to my counselor on Friday and hopefully I can get a handle on this once and for all. She has already diagnosed me with depression and borderline personality disorder so this is all working against me. I am terrified that the counseling isn't going to work though because it hasn't one lick yet. I must enjoy torturing myself or something because that is the only reason I can figure that I keep doing this. I wake up every morning thinking, "Ok, today, I'm not going to obsess about this girl and what they did, etc." but then it's only a matter of time before it starts and then never ends....goes all day. I have found some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who does this but so far no one really knows how to make it stop. The only sure fire way would be to end our relationship, and that just makes no sense. He really is good to me, loves me unconditionally, and makes me very happy otherwise. He has an awesome, loving, understanding family and has a lot a great friends. I just don't know why I want to ruin this. Maybe to punish myself for how it all started?? But that is really unfair to him. I hope I get this figured out soon!!!! it takes time babe, and also your conscious effort to improve things. this really really isn't an easy thing to do, but you just have to keep on trying. it's going to tiring i have to say. like i mentioned earlier, it really depends largely on yourself to overcome this. you can seek for counselling, have your partner's support, do whatever you want and need to do, but ultimately you must know that you can only depend on yourself to make the change. since you are so in love with your husband, and knows that he is really great for you, then tell yourself that if you want things to work out, these thoughts have to go.
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