Money is getting in the way.

October 30, 2011

Your ability to nitpick at the one thing contrary to your belief in my entire post, and ignore EVERYTHING ELSE, constantly surpasses my expectations. Way to miss the elephant because you hate daisies and there was half of one stuck to its ear, dude.

When trying to make a point there is a tendency to ignore things that are not considered relevant (from my point of view).

So, just out of curiousity, you believe every single couple here is selfish, because all of them have mentioned that they don't pool their bank accounts til they marry?

Actually, I am with you on this one. Couples should only pool the income when they are married or when they have achieved the same level of commitment as in marriage.

The main issue is that folks move in together to pretend to be couples when they are highly uncommitted. That is the big disconnect that usually creates problems. It is called playing house without being married or committed. I actually don't blame the Indian guy for keeping his money aside because the relationship is highly unstable, fragile, and uncommitted. IN this instance they should not be living together. I despise how the Indian man milks the money from Tigress even though she makes much less. That tells you what kind of man he really is.

And just when do you pool your accounts with a gf? As soon as you both establish ties? Since apparently lack of merging bank accounts implies selfishness and non-commitment, and you wouldn't be that way to a gf, right?

After my divorce I brought home a temporary rebound GF. It was a huge mistake!!!!

She was a full time student and we were not committed. It was mostly a stupid move from my part, but I paid her tuition and she lived for free in my home. Of course, there was nothing to merge because she had no income. IN any event, the experience taught me that living together without a plan to get married or without commitment generally causes awkward situations. I read about it every day in this forum.

The main issue is pretending to be a couple when in reality they are nothing more than casual GF/BF dating. Eventually one of the partners wants commitment (most often the female) and as soon as there is a rough spot the relationship ends. Obviously it ends because there is no commitment.

In committed couples it is not uncommon to have one of the spouses or partners manage the pooled finances and no one keeps score. The money belongs to the household and no one cares if one spouse makes more money than the other. IMHO, the latter is so petty and cheap it causes nausea.

October 30, 2011

Look, stop trying to backpedal, please. I made a post to explain to you why you should not be passing blanket judgments on all couples that don't manage their finances the same way as you, and used my own relationship, which is more similar to yours than Tigress's, as an example. You completely ignored not only the major point of my post, but went so far as to call us selfish just because we don't use a joint bank account. And when I pointed out to you that plenty of happy couples here (who are also living together) don't have a joint bank account either, you say you agree with not pooling accounts before marriage. Dude, WTF?

So basically in my ENTIRE post, the only thing you picked out was 'Neither do I believe we should legally pool our accounts until we marry' in order to levy a random generalization and insult at me, and even that you are backpedalling on now.

Really, I don't know why I bother. Never mind.

Edited October 30, 2011 by Elswyth

October 30, 2011

when my ex-wife moved into my house I knew she couldn't afford a 50/50 split.

I made 2.5 times as much as her.

I just asked for $400 a month which was half of what she paid to live on her own.

We both wound up with the same amount of spending money then.

I also paid for most food & the other bills.

The money allowed me to make improvements on the house & I also bought stuff she wanted in the house (single guy with minimal furnishings. LOL!)

But we always maintained separate personal accounts & lines of credit.

Good thing because when I booted her for cheating she cleaned out the one joint account we had (kids savings account) it was just a few hundred but still, she could of done the same if we had a joint checking or savings & I believe she would have.

If I ever live with another woman no joint accounts at all & it would have to be under my roof so me & my kids never wind up on the street if she decided she changed her mind.

I think considering the income difference 50/50 is kinda jerky on his part. Just figure out a percentage based on income & go from there.

October 30, 2011

He straight up told you he's not committed to you, what else do you need to know?! All this money stuff aside, why would you live with someone who tells you to your face that he's not all in and that he regularly thinks about breaking up with you? How can you possibly ignore that??

I think you need to MOVE OUT asap. He wants you to live with him so he can save on expenses, bottom line. But that is what roommates are for, not girlfriends. I can't imagine a romantic partner taking out the grocery bill and a calculator and literally demanding to split it 50/50 with you. It's so ridiculous that it's laughable. I don't understand why you insist on ignoring ALL of the red flags about this guy.

October 30, 2011

We just finished talking (he's away for the weekend) and it went well.

Things we have to work on: He is very used to saying things in anger/frustration that he doesn't mean (including the 'take-back' of the offer to pay for me to go to India with him) just to piss me off because he's angry with something I've said/done. So I will have to remember this and help him to curtail that behavior.

He said that he has been holding the financial thing over my head as a means of control and that he's been wrong in doing so. I suspected this sort of thing when he said he never felt this way about anyone before, he's never been so emotional, etc over a girl--all his other relationships were lighthearted fun that he ended when he just got bored. He feels really vulnerable so, tearing a page from my playbook, he has taken something and used it to maintain an upper hand in the relationship because he is still scared of his feelings, he is scared of being hurt. I acknowledged my part in him still being scared, noting that in a sense I did take him for granted when he was supporting me. And I can understand his viewpoint, as I have felt like this so many times before. He did say, again, that he doesn't want me to leave. He said he knows we are going to be as one in everything, he does want that.

So for now, this is tabled. We stay where we're at and focus on the present.

This was two pages ago. There's been a resolution so I feel this thread has outlived its use...at the very least, I won't be visiting it anymore. Thanks to all who posted, as always, I appreciate the input.

October 30, 2011

I suppose you're right. I don't feel secure in the relationship and I have been struggling with that ever since he admitted he wasn't 'all in'.

That is serious, T.

I am struggling with separating his mindset/commitment level from my own feelings of security and faith that we will work it out. The way I feel about our relationship shouldn't be dependent on how he feels about it. I am trying to get to that mindset and maintain it. I am looking at my own part in things and seeing where I can do better, and trying to reason and get to the root of the issues, while trying to not assign blame.

In my opinion, you are on the wrong track with the above.

I believe 100% that a person needs to separate they way they feel about themselves from the way another person views them - even a spouse or other very close and loved one.

But a relationship IS an entity, of sorts, created by BOTH of the people who are in it.

The fact that your boyfriend is not "all in" while you are is very significant. You and he are not on the same page, and this is a defining feature of your relationship. Please don't bring it to the level of some kind of power struggle, where one or the other of you is going to prevail and assert your wishes over the relationship.

Having faith that you can "work it out" when you are NOT on the same page today is not a very good place to be standing, IMO.

It would be different if you were not living together, and especially if you did not have financial enmeshment issues. But since you are and you do, I can't really envision how you could backpedal from the place where you are now.

It's a "cart before horse" situation.

When I was younger, I lived with boyfriends. I am not in agreement with Pierre - at all - about this being "bad." I did not feel taken advantage of, or thwarted. I was doing as I wished to do. My mindset was that I was in love, I believed I was loved, and our lives together was an adventure (though admittedly, at times, a scary adventure). I was NOT, however, thinking about an eternal future with these boyfriends. Ever. I was living in the moment.

I had friends, though, who were very marriage minded and who were always moving their relationships with boyfriends forward, usually with the bf being very resistant. Moving in was a step towards marriage, in the girl's mind. NOT in the guy's. But she "had faith" that she would … get him there.

If she did, it was ill fated.

I think you need to take the fact that your bf admitted to you that he is not "all in " very seriously. His wish to keep finances separate is a manifestation of this, not only of his feelings about money. IMO.

And I am not telling you to "dump the bastard." I am, though, advising you that you really are in a relationship with a man who does not envision being married to you, and that you really have no reason to believe that this is going to transform into something different.

So the best thing for you, since you love him and want to be with him, will be to try to find acceptance of the "status" of your relationship as it is today. Try to avoid power struggles about your relationship with your partner, too.

AND, I also think that you should be focussing on how you want your life to look in the future whether or not you are with this boyfriend. Is your work life where you want it to be, in a field that you care about? Did you finish school, or do you need more? Are you paying attention to relationships with other people besides your boyfriend, and nurturing your friendships?

October 30, 2011

I understand where you are coming from and how you are perceiving the money issue as lack of commitment. I read other posts here and people have strong opinions about this which i do not completely agree.

I was living with my bf for nine years and we met each other as PhD students so we were on the same financial place. From day one we kept our separate accounts and I had no intention to change it. I didn't want to get married either. Things changed and i started to make ten times more money than him. And we kept on the deal. I was paying 70 per cent of the rent and for all our holiday trips. I was fully committed with him but i guess he resented me and always felt i was keeping my exit card.

How i saw the situation was that he never made a sacrifice because of me. I mean he does what he wants and he is good and passionate about his work and i loved this. But it was not like a mother staying at home to care the kids or moving to other city and reducing his career options. So I do not have to support him if we split.

I was fully committed and i was ready to help him in any difficulty but i was scared if things went wrong. I saw this many times happening to my friends. Some people do not understand this mind set and think that the "what if .." thinking shows lack of commitment, I think it is just being realistic.

We broke up because i didn't want children but i cannot affirm the financial situation didn't make us grow apart. But from my side i loved him more than anyone else in my life and wanted to be all my life with him so no, it was not me not being fully into the relationship.

I do not regret. This is how i am and i do not plan to sponsor anyone is we are not together anymore.

October 31, 2011

I understand where you are coming from and how you are perceiving the money issue as lack of commitment. I read other posts here and people have strong opinions about this which i do not completely agree.

I was living with my bf for nine years and we met each other as PhD students so we were on the same financial place. From day one we kept our separate accounts and I had no intention to change it. I didn't want to get married either. Things changed and i started to make ten times more money than him. And we kept on the deal. I was paying 70 per cent of the rent and for all our holiday trips. I was fully committed with him but i guess he resented me and always felt i was keeping my exit card.

How i saw the situation was that he never made a sacrifice because of me. I mean he does what he wants and he is good and passionate about his work and i loved this. But it was not like a mother staying at home to care the kids or moving to other city and reducing his career options. So I do not have to support him if we split.

I was fully committed and i was ready to help him in any difficulty but i was scared if things went wrong. I saw this many times happening to my friends. Some people do not understand this mind set and think that the "what if .." thinking shows lack of commitment, I think it is just being realistic.

We broke up because i didn't want children but i cannot affirm the financial situation didn't make us grow apart. But from my side i loved him more than anyone else in my life and wanted to be all my life with him so no, it was not me not being fully into the relationship.

I do not regret. This is how i am and i do not plan to sponsor anyone is we are not together anymore.

You did not want to get married. You said you loved him and yet you refused to be fully committed.

Not wanting children should have been discussed before living together for so many years. This is a deal breaker for many people.

October 31, 2011

Re: the suggestion of 50/50:

How/why did he bring this up? Did you just tell him, "Hey, I have a job now", and he said, "Okay, so you can pay 50%"?

Would you have offered it if he had not asked?

You may have answered this and I missed it, but an answer would probably help us understand better.

October 31, 2011

Established Member

Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: 1960 Winter Olympics
Posts: 21,643

Re: the suggestion of 50/50:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elswyth
How/why did he bring this up? Did you just tell him, "Hey, I have a job now", and he said, "Okay, so you can pay 50%"?

Would you have offered it if he had not asked?

You may have answered this and I missed it, but an answer would probably help us understand better.

Why do so many women try to justify the behavior of this man??

October 31, 2011

This man is from India, when it comes time to commit, to marry & have children he'll be heading back home to marry a woman his parents have found for him, I'd bet my next paycheck on it.

i would bet my next months salary on it

October 31, 2011

i would bet my next months salary on it

I think it depends:

Some Indian men that are born and raised in USA are often more Euro in terms of culture. If the Indian man is born in India then I agree.

October 31, 2011

This thread is now borderline racist

... often more Euro in terms of culture.

I'm curious, what exactly does that mean? What's the Euro stereotype in the US when it comes to relationships?

October 31, 2011

This thread is now borderline racist

I'm curious, what exactly does that mean? What's the Euro stereotype in the US when it comes to relationships?

An Indian man born and raised in India has an Indian culture.

An Indian man born and raised in the US or Europe could have a western or Euro culture.

Culture is not the same as ethnicity.

The US stereotype in relationships is based on reality. All stereotypes are based on some truth.

October 31, 2011

The US stereotype in relationships is based on reality. All stereotypes are based on some truth.

Don't feel like discussing this now, but I'm genuinely curious how you perceive the Euro culture concerning relationships and how in your eyes it is different from the US culture.

October 31, 2011

Don't feel like discussing this now, but I'm genuinely curious how you perceive the Euro culture concerning relationships and how in your eyes it is different from the US culture.

By using the term Euro culture I meant a western type culture. Perhaps using the term Euro culture was not the best choice.

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