Money is getting in the way.

October 29, 2011

Relationships should be based on equality.

hahahaha thats the funniest thing i've read today

October 29, 2011

I think you're looking for a reason for why the two of you won't work out in the long run. You're sabotaging yourself and your relationship. The question is why?

October 29, 2011

Equality, yes. Standing on equal footing with each other, yes. But in my opinion it would be fair if they split costs by what each of them can bear. It could for example be more fair to split bills 60% - 40% or 70% - 30% to take some pressure off of TA.

Personally I wouldn't care what my SO makes, so if I would make more than she does, yet due to our life style there would be high costs that she couldn't bear, then it would not be fair on my side to demand from her to split everything 50-50. In that case I would be demanding something from her of which I know she wouldn't be able to keep up, that's an unjust demand in my opinion.

October 29, 2011

A woman will tolerate a lot from a man who is ready willing and able to provide her with a steady diet of mind-blowing O's.

you got that right....many of these indian dudes suck in the sack

October 29, 2011

First of all, her partner paid 100% when she didn't have a job, so calling him greedy and selfish is way out of line.

hahahaha thats the funniest thing i've read today

At 11pm? I feel bad for you

But in my opinion it would be fair if they split costs by what each of them can bear.

She can bear it, she just likes to have her cake and eat it too; save more money and still live a lifestyle that she can barely afford. That's not how life works.

It could for example be more fair to split bills 60% - 40% or 70% - 30% to take some pressure off of TA.

Why? They are 2 people living together, we can assume they create equal costs, so why not split it equal? Does the light in the kitchen burn harder for the person who makes more? Then why would he pay more for it? So she can stash away more money and live off someone who in her eyes has an easy life?

Also, this isn't about getting a 60 40 split instead of 50 50, this is about the guy paying her half the difference between their incomes just because they are in a relationship. Do you agree that that is an outrageous demand?

Edited October 29, 2011 by Jynxx
typo

October 29, 2011

There is always something. Can't you just be happy?

October 29, 2011

I am worried because it just seems like he is afraid to commit to me at all, ever. Things don't match up.

I am giving it a chance because I love him and I do want this to work...but I am legitimately concerned as well. I know he is too. I think the thing is that I am completely committed to him and to making this relationship work.

As I said above this is extremely sad.

People should not live together when there is no commitment.

Unless, they are simply room mates splitting everything down the middle. And apparently this is the case here.

But, to make matters worse this guy has the option to get rid of Tigress if he decides to move up the socioeconomic ladder or when he finds a better place to live.

Sadly Tigress takes all this crap like a trooper.

October 29, 2011

So have you two talked about kids and the money situation in the future? Both of you work, kids in daycare, or do you stay home, maybe work part time? Will his expectation that you pay half for everything still exist? House work, is it divided up equally too? Outside work too? Cutting grass, raking leaves, etc..

In most relationships things are equal but sometimes it goes one way for a while, then the other way.. Nothing is perfectly 50-50 especially once married.

Senario for the near future. He wants a new couch. What happens? You pay half or does he just buy it? Or next time you buy the next household item?

Expenses are one thing, bills to pay etc., but what about groceries and stuff? Is that all divided up too?

October 29, 2011

What century do you live in? Having a penis doesn't make you so inferior you need to buy access to a vagina with money and gifts. Relationships should be based on equality. They shouldn't be a guy buying milk with half of his paycheck.

Dude:

Tigress is clearly the inferior component in this relationship, she has zero power.

As of now Tigress has no leverage.

AS to the penis example: In the open market a pussy has more value than a penis.

October 29, 2011

I can reasonably afford everything now. I have no problem halving everything at this point. What I am worried about is the future...the lease on this place runs out in the spring...because of his established pattern, I am finding it difficult to trust that he won't leave me in the dust because he finds it inconvenient to restrict himself or pick up the slack because I honestly can't afford to keep up with him.

I'm sorry I didn't read all of the thread, TA, but I just wanted to dash off a quick response to this, as it sounds like the crux of the issue to me.

I think when it comes to lack of trust, you need to think whether it stems from your own insecurities or truly from your partner's actions. What established pattern is it that convinces you that he would just 'leave you in the dust'? IIRC he supported you fully during the several months of your unemployment. Surely if he were all as materialistic and 'tough titties' as you now think he is, he would have not done that?

October 29, 2011

So have you two talked about kids and the money situation in the future? Both of you work, kids in daycare, or do you stay home, maybe work part time? Will his expectation that you pay half for everything still exist? House work, is it divided up equally too? Outside work too? Cutting grass, raking leaves, etc..

In most relationships things are equal but sometimes it goes one way for a while, then the other way.. Nothing is perfectly 50-50 especially once married.

Senario for the near future. He wants a new couch. What happens? You pay half or does he just buy it? Or next time you buy the next household item?

Expenses are one thing, bills to pay etc., but what about groceries and stuff? Is that all divided up too?

Yeah, groceries are divided 50/50. We take all the grocery receipts, add them up at the end of the month and split the total down the middle.

I don't ever want kids, he's still undecided. When it comes to items like a couch or whatever, he said he has no problem buying that stuff and it would be 'ours'. When I say basic joint household expenses, I mean: rent/mortgage, utilities, and food--and BF and I are in agreement with that definition. I don't know if his 50/50 thing will still exist in the future. It may. It may not.

No problems with the way things are now, financially...but I worry about the future, given how he doesn't seem to care much that I could be struggling down the road. He has every right to want someone more on his level...but it hurt me knowing that for a long time, and possibly even still, he didn't accept me as is, knowing I will never be on his level. He treated me as a project for awhile, honestly. It's not right to be with someone who isn't on your level, and complain to that person that they are not on your level and you wish they were. It's...mean. It's like, if it's really that important to you, just leave me and find someone else...but if you really want to be with me, accept me as I am.

Els--he resented me that whole time. Sure, he stepped up--but he resented it the entire time. He admitted it to me.

October 29, 2011

this indian bf of yours already has his extended family looking for a "suitable match" for him in india. soon as that girl is found you will be dropped like a hot potatoe and he will be engaged to her in a matter of weeks if not less...

i've seen it happen a hundred times. mark my word.

October 29, 2011

Tigressa alwasys freaks out about something; she is a dramaqueen.

Like, who freaks out about a lease being up in the spring and what her bf will do sometime in May or April? Honey, it's November. Can we get through Christmas first?

Second of all, who isn't happy that their bf can afford a better life for himself? To me, it's like she's saying Wahh! My bf can buy a good house and a new car and I can't do that! Wahh I'm so jealous. He's definitely going to leave me then; Oh. I need to leave him first before the lease is up!! Who would resent a guy from doing better for himself? Isn't that something to be admired? You just sound insecure and controlling.

Any and every guy/girl you date can drop you at a moment's notice. You cannot control other people and you cannot always predict their every behavior. If you go through life trying to do that, you're going to get very hurt and be one of those people who say, "Omg! I never would have expected my H to dooo such a thing!"

Then, she tries to control him and her bf is cool because he keeps showing her he will not be controlled. He has his mind set on a particular lifestyle and way of life; he is good for the economy. Men like him make everyone else in the US wealthier.

I agree with RealiteeCheck. You sound entitled. Honey, you don't make the same amount of money; nobody's going to be your Mom and support you unconditionally. Who does that? And she says, "I think we should be equal" but he isn't married to you. You almost broke up. You try to control him and you are a dramaqueen. I think the guy is just being smart. He is not your caretaker; he is not your sugardaddy.

October 29, 2011

I apologise if this sounds harsh. My first thought was that I'm not quite sure what you're looking for by posting this thread. Is it a placeholder/delay tactic while you decide how much incompatibility is needed before you really call it quits? Or is it an opportunity to vent so that you get your frustrations out of your system and then everything will be hunkydory again? Perhaps you just want someone to tell you that you are being reasonable and he is not and therefore you have permission to dump him? Perhaps it's none of those.

I think that you need to look at the long-term view here. He is who he is. And you are who you are. In my experience, people tend not to deviate from their core values and beliefs unless challenged by a significant life event. Sure, there's making compromises for one's partner and the relationship but if there are fundamental differences in a big issue such as spending/finances or an accumulation of smaller issues, it's going to be a huge challenge and a source of regular conflict. If you both want to live your lives in this way, then it's your choice. However, I don't think many people would support or agree with that choice being the right one or the best one for you. But it's your life and his. We can only offer our perspectives.

For what it's worth, my general opinion is that you don't need this conflict in your life. Don't waste anymore mental and emotional energy in trying to dissect and look for other solutions. Make the break and find someone who is more compatible.

October 29, 2011

I don't think this is exactly about the money. It's about TigressA's belief that they can work it out together in the future.

TigressA, if you felt secure in your relationship with him, then you would think: "We're splitting expenses 50-50 now, but when the lease comes up we will be able to come up with a plan that works together. We will work it out because we love each other and of course we will find a way to stay together and figure out a mutually agreeable plan." There are lots of possible ways to sort out the money issue.

But you are questioning your future ability to navigate muddy waters together. THAT is the real problem, that you don't have faith in your ability to work things out with him. Why?

October 29, 2011

I don't think this is exactly about the money. It's about TigressA's belief that they can work it out together in the future.

But you are questioning your future ability to navigate muddy waters together. THAT is the real problem, that you don't have faith in your ability to work things out with him. Why?

In a post above Tigress admitted the guy is not committed to her. In the meantime she is fully committed. This disparity is terrible and women should not live with a man that is not committed.

October 29, 2011

I don't think this is exactly about the money. It's about TigressA's belief that they can work it out together in the future.

TigressA, if you felt secure in your relationship with him, then you would think: "We're splitting expenses 50-50 now, but when the lease comes up we will be able to come up with a plan that works together. We will work it out because we love each other and of course we will find a way to stay together and figure out a mutually agreeable plan." There are lots of possible ways to sort out the money issue.

But you are questioning your future ability to navigate muddy waters together. THAT is the real problem, that you don't have faith in your ability to work things out with him. Why?

I suppose you're right. I don't feel secure in the relationship and I have been struggling with that ever since he admitted he wasn't 'all in'.

I am struggling with separating his mindset/commitment level from my own feelings of security and faith that we will work it out. The way I feel about our relationship shouldn't be dependent on how he feels about it. I am trying to get to that mindset and maintain it. I am looking at my own part in things and seeing where I can do better, and trying to reason and get to the root of the issues, while trying to not assign blame.

He admits he's very immature and doesn't want to lose me because of it, that I'm the best thing to ever happen to him...but then he also admitted he isn't sure what he really wants. He seems...flighty. He admits whenever we've argued he's seriously considered breaking up but then he comes back and says in his heart there's no question he wants to be with me. I sometimes feel like a rock in the middle of a calm ocean, until the tide comes in and batters me. This is what I have to try to not let influence my own feelings.

Edited October 29, 2011 by tigressA

October 29, 2011

Yeah, groceries are divided 50/50. We take all the grocery receipts, add them up at the end of the month and split the total down the middle.

You're roommates then... that is what they do..

That doesn't mean you aren't BF-GF.. it just means that as far as living together you guys are just roommates...

October 29, 2011

I suppose you're right. I don't feel secure in the relationship and I have been struggling with that ever since he admitted he wasn't 'all in'.

I am struggling with separating his mindset/commitment level from my own feelings of security and faith that we will work it out. The way I feel about our relationship shouldn't be dependent on how he feels about it. I am trying to get to that mindset and maintain it. I am looking at my own part in things and seeing where I can do better, and trying to reason and get to the root of the issues, while trying to not assign blame.

If you feel he isn't all in, then asking him to combine finances at this juncture is a bit silly, no? That's like window shopping for an engagement ring, with no mention of marriage.

I agree with what Stung wrote a few posts back, table it. Split living expenses as you have been and I wouldn't discuss "combining" finances unless there is a ring on your finger. There is NO reason to combine his finances with yours at this juncture.

October 29, 2011

Hey TA,

I read through most of your thread, and one thing jumps out at me.

You mentioned several times that it is not the 'now' that you are worried about, but rather 'what happens in the future'. Don't you think you might be living in the future too much and causing yourself additional unnecessary worry? I find that I'm guilty of that far too often too - back in the earlier days of my R we had several fights over hypothetical future scenarios. Well, so far, every single one of those hypothetical scenarios either never came to pass, or were resolved in a way that was irrelevant to whether we had had that fight or not.

IME situations change, people change, and worrying about something abstract like this in a hypothetical '6 months from now' scenario might not be the best idea, especially if the present is good. I know it is easier said than done, but I have noticed this trend in both your and my previous posts, and I think it may not be the wisest course of action sometimes.

October 29, 2011

You're roommates then... that is what they do..
That doesn't mean you aren't BF-GF.. it just means that as far as living together you guys are just roommates...

Yep...I just give my share to him in cash every month. I don't give my cut of rent or whatever else to the building manager, I don't actually pay any bills--he does. He carries the cash around in his money clip in his wallet and it doesn't even really GO to what I'm contributing to. It is basically like extra spending money to him.

I'm thinking that needs to change.

Snug, he admitted to me he isn't all in. It's not a 'feeling' I have. It came right from his mouth. And it came right when I brought up the idea of combining everything, so it wasn't like I asked him after I had the thought, or after he said, he wasn't all in. He told me right when I brought up the idea.

October 29, 2011

I suppose you're right. I don't feel secure in the relationship and I have been struggling with that ever since he admitted he wasn't 'all in'.

You should move out ASAP. Can you explain why you want to live with a man that is not all in? Only exception I see is room mates with privilege.

I am struggling with separating his mindset/commitment level from my own feelings of security and faith that we will work it out. The way I feel about our relationship shouldn't be dependent on how he feels about it. I am trying to get to that mindset and maintain it. I am looking at my own part in things and seeing where I can do better, and trying to reason and get to the root of the issues, while trying to not assign blame.

We are allowed to suffer from unrequited love, however that does not mean we should lose our dignity and become a door mat.

Hoping he will change his mind is a very weak position while you are living with him. Staying there and coughing up the money he needs will not make you more desirable to him. In fact, walking away and leaving him makes you a much better woman in his eyes.

He admits he's very immature and doesn't want to lose me because of it, that I'm the best thing to ever happen to him...but then he also admitted he isn't sure what he really wants. He seems...flighty. He admits whenever we've argued he's seriously considered breaking up but then he comes back and says in his heart there's no question he wants to be with me. I sometimes feel like a rock in the middle of a calm ocean, until the tide comes in and batters me. This is what I have to try to not let influence my own feelings.

Your BF is also insecure, but in a different manner. HE says those things to keep you around while someone better with more money comes along. In the meantime he will say whatever he needs to say to keep you as a room mate. If you leave you put him in the hole and he does not want to spend more money.

October 29, 2011

Just an addition:

OTOH, I would have trouble being with a partner who was a stickler for total financial equality at the exclusion of all else. I once had a bf who sort of did that - we were both students, but his parents gave him $1000/month to spend, whereas I had about 5 times less. He did not understand that I needed to spend less. Looking back at it, I realize that even though it really was just money, it was a symptom of greater not-really-caring-ness on his behalf.

TBH your bf does not sound exactly like that though. You mention that he said he resented supporting you before... If he resented it, why did he do it for so long (it was a few months, right?) How did this resentment talk come about - ie did he just come up to you and straight up say he resented it?

October 29, 2011

TBH your bf does not sound exactly like that though. You mention that he said he resented supporting you before... If he resented it, why did he do it for so long (it was a few months, right?) How did this resentment talk come about - ie did he just come up to you and straight up say he resented it?

It came when he admitted to me he wanted me to make more money--he admitted to things I had suspected for months and confronted him with multiple times, but that he had denied all that time because he was 'afraid of hurting me'.

October 29, 2011

Yep...I just give my share to him in cash every month.

Most men I know eat twice as much as women and yet he demands cash to split the the grocery bill down the middle. What a guy!!!!!!!

I'm thinking that needs to change.

It will not change unless you leave this loser.

Snug, he admitted to me he isn't all in. It's not a 'feeling' I have. It came right from his mouth.

If my GF tells me she is not all in I immediately walk away. You cannot make someone love you. It does not work that way!!! This thread reminds me of the Torn Curtain thread. I can believe how some women accept so much crap from men and then blame themselves.

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