Money is getting in the way.

October 29, 2011

Things have been going well, aside from money. I brought up in conversation the idea of combining our finances--basically, treating all money coming into the household as 'our' money.

wtf?? if any woman asked me to do that i'd tell her to pack her bags and get out (assuming it was my crib). If it was her place i'd pack my sheeyot and split.

Screw that bullsheeyot of combining money.

IT"S MY MONEY AND I NEED IT NOW!!!

October 29, 2011

What happens if you pay your 50% of all household expenses but then put everything else aside for your own nest egg, so you can take care of yourself if this relationship ends? Have you asked him about this? Would he be willing to pay for some date nights so you can get a safety cushion for yourself, if you explain it that way to him?

I have my checks set up for direct deposit. I only have 15% of every check going into my savings account because with the 50/50 split and other expenses, that's all I can reasonably afford. Everything else is for joint household expenses, my student loan payment, my phone bill, other things I need for myself, and a bit left over to use how I like. It's not a struggle now, but it would be if I tried to save more or added another expense--like a car. BF is saying I can take the used car he bought as my own once I get my license because he's looking at getting a new car. If I do that, then I will really be struggling to contribute 50/50.

It's basically like Art Critic said...I don't want to struggle while he's living on Easy Street, and us living in the same place. The main thing I am worried about is that he just doesn't seem to care, as long as he gets his 50/50 share. I don't mind doing an equal split, as long as I'm not struggling to do it.

Edited October 29, 2011 by tigressA

October 29, 2011

I have my checks set up for direct deposit. I only have 15% of every check going into my savings account because with the 50/50 split and other expenses, that's all I can reasonably afford. Everything else is for joint household expenses, my student loan payment, my phone bill, other things I need for myself, and a bit left over to use how I like. It's not a struggle now, but it would be if I tried to save more or added another expense--like a car. BF is saying I can take the used car he bought as my own once I get my license because he's looking at getting a new car. If I do that, then I will really be struggling to contribute 50/50.

I think you may be getting a bit ahead of yourself... first you need a drivers license, and then you can determine if/when you can afford a car. If he gives you his used car (which is very generous), you only need to pay for car insurance and gas, (the gas I presume won't be much since you live in NYC), oh and possibly parking which is expensive, so maybe having a car in NYC can be tabled for now...

I know you'd like to put as much as you can into your savings, but that's something a lot of people struggle with, while trying to make ends meet.

October 29, 2011

Some men are happy to support a woman financially, and others aren't. I think your guy has made it pretty clear which kind he is.

You seem to want a man who will support you financially.

I've heard that harmonious couples are very in sync about the big three: family, sex, and money. I think that's true.

This appears to be a pretty major difference.

October 29, 2011

I don't want a man who can support me financially. My ultimate desire is achieving a dynamic where we support each other, where there is no concern over who makes what or who owes the other what. I want this regardless of how much or how little money my partner makes.

I also made the point of saying this is not about him paying my own expenses or buying me things--this is about being able to keep up with an equal contribution of basic household expenses.

I will probably have to repeat the above several more times throughout the course of this thread.

October 29, 2011

(Funny how you refer to his lifestyle as "Easy Street". That's a clear gold digger tipoff.)

I used the term "easystreet".. She was just repeating what "I" said...

Is this tearing apart each of her posts line by line something you always do to help posters ?

It's isn't very effective and is more argumentative than anything else...IMO

October 29, 2011

I don't want a man who can support me financially. My ultimate desire is achieving a dynamic where we support each other, where there is no concern over who makes what or who owes the other what. I want this regardless of how much or how little money my partner makes.

I also made the point of saying this is not about him paying my own expenses or buying me things--this is about being able to keep up with an equal contribution of basic household expenses.

I will probably have to repeat the above several more times throughout the course of this thread.

I think it comes down to trust and commitment for me, really...I want a true partnership like I described above. Trusting that we have each other's back, and that trust being returned. I don't want that 'If it doesn't work out' stuff. I want to be deeply in love and trust and commit to my partner with EVERYTHING that I have, and have that returned to me.

He has shown me he is not ready for that, he does not want that (yet). He does not completely trust me or want to completely commit to me (he admitted that); he isn't ready. I love him and I want to give this a chance. He says he loves me 'so much...too much' but his actions don't do much to reflect it. The last few times we argued I have been trying to reason with him, to get to the root of the problem and work to resolve it as a team, while he is thinking me making promises to do/not do something will solve everything while it is just an effort to control me, a way to show him whether I'm really important to him or not (depends on whether I say yes or no to his request) and a clear acknowledgment of his distrust, and throwing things I say back in my face in order to wound me. It's been difficult to rise above it and not entertain it...a few times I have resorted to the same behavior out of frustration and anger.

I have been trying so hard...I have made a major overhaul and it has been so liberating, but it's been difficult to get him to jump on the trust bandwagon because of his obsession with keeping score, and his calculation, his fear that this relationship will fail. It's not much of a coincidence that he's been the dumper in all his past relationships.

Edited October 29, 2011 by tigressA

October 29, 2011

You reason more like a woman than a man. Why is that?

Dude.. you just made my ignore list.. WTF is wrong with people

October 29, 2011

I've heard that harmonious couples are very in sync about the big three: family, sex, and money. I think that's true.

you're talking about one couple out of a thousand

October 29, 2011

T,

Can you put yourself in his shoes for a minute and try to understand where he's coming from? I will say that there was one point I agreed with, in an otherwise hostile post. When you said he could lose you over this, it also smacked to me of emotional blackmail.

I think there may be some underlying resentment from him for having supported you. But I think you can turn that around by proving to him that you are willing to be a partner.

I'm guessing that from his perspective, he's not sure he can trust that you'll want to be partners (not necessarily 50/50 at all times) and he's cautious to proceed until his needs are met as well. It's clear that he doesn't want to be taken advantage of. If you want him, show him that you don't want to do that.

This is a slippery slope. If you've ever seen Joy Luck Club, there was a woman with a man who was very stingy and split expenses down the middle with disparate incomes. It seems similar to your situation. Maybe your guy is like that, but I didn't get that sense from other posts. I think he just needs one thing from you, and you have to decide if it's a deal breaker. What's happening now sounds equitable to me. I'm not sure you agree with that, however. And I think he feels that too. If you were on your own, would you have more than 15% to save?

October 29, 2011

but it's been difficult to get him to jump on the trust bandwagon because of his obsession with keeping score, and his calculation, his fear that this relationship will fail.

This is going to have to change some TigressA in the future.. and hopefully it will..

The fear of failure isn't your issue and neither is him keeping score.

It's understandable with some people but in order for your future to be happy and his as well he will have to stop keeping score and stop looking at everything as his and yours instead of ours, hers and his.

October 29, 2011

Now you're nose is even more out of shape and you're feelings are hurt. Well I'm sorry but you need to think a little bit harder before you play white knight and try to go after someone on a message board.

i look forward with much glee to your 77th post

October 29, 2011

i look forward with much glee to your 77th post

I love it ....

October 29, 2011

Sounds like Meerkat or Troggleputty to me.

OP, if you didn't know your BF and weren't living with him, what percentage of your income would be utilized to pay for your basic existence? That means housing, utilities, food, transportation, insurance, bla, bla. No extras, no savings. How would it go?

October 29, 2011

you're talking about one couple out of a thousand

Well, there are degrees. Maybe you're doing well if you have 70%+ overlap (or some other number). I've been with guys I was very much on the same page with about money and how to use it, and other guys who had totally different ideas. It sounds like their stance on it is pretty different. And yeah, tigress, you do sound pretty entitled to me.

When I moved in with this one boyfriend, he offered to pay for everything -- rent, bills, groceries, everything. I declined, because we were just getting started, and I wanted to evaluate him for him, without any sense of obligation hanging over me. I can't imagine asking a man to cover more than half of our shared rent and bills just because we're in a relationship.

October 29, 2011

T,

Can you put yourself in his shoes for a minute and try to understand where he's coming from? I will say that there was one point I agreed with, in an otherwise hostile post. When you said he could lose you over this, it also smacked to me of emotional blackmail.

I think there may be some underlying resentment from him for having supported you. But I think you can turn that around by proving to him that you are willing to be a partner.

I'm guessing that from his perspective, he's not sure he can trust that you'll want to be partners (not necessarily 50/50 at all times) and he's cautious to proceed until his needs are met as well. It's clear that he doesn't want to be taken advantage of. If you want him, show him that you don't want to do that.

This is a slippery slope. If you've ever seen Joy Luck Club, there was a woman with a man who was very stingy and split expenses down the middle with disparate incomes. It seems similar to your situation. Maybe your guy is like that, but I didn't get that sense from other posts. I think he just needs one thing from you, and you have to decide if it's a deal breaker. What's happening now sounds equitable to me. I'm not sure you agree with that, however. And I think he feels that too. If you were on your own, would you have more than 15% to save?

I'm not saying it's not equitable to me right now. It is. It's fine right now. It's down the road, particularly next spring when this lease runs out, that I'm honestly worried about and I think my worry is justifiable, with regard to his behavior.

I HAVE been showing him I don't want to take advantage of him by being willing to contribute equally, and doing exactly that. And it's true that he could lose me over this issue down the road if he still expects me to contribute completely equally when he wants a living arrangement only he can afford and I am simply unable to! It's not emotional blackmail, it's the truth.

October 29, 2011

I'm not saying it's not equitable to me right now. It is. It's fine right now. It's down the road, particularly next spring when this lease runs out, that I'm honestly worried about and I think my worry is justifiable, with regard to his behavior.

I HAVE been showing him I don't want to take advantage of him by being willing to contribute equally, and doing exactly that. And it's true that he could lose me over this issue down the road if he still expects me to contribute completely equally when he wants a living arrangement only he can afford and I am simply unable to! It's not emotional blackmail, it's the truth.

If it's only the lease running out, I wouldn't worry about it now. Give him a chance, as he's giving you. See what happens then. Try to enjoy what you have now and build on it. Try not to make the money the main focus.

It maybe true that he could lose you, but your motivation for saying it seems untowards. What do you have to gain by telling him? You are instilling fear if he doesn't come around to your way of thinking. That is what emotional blackmail is.

All you can do on your end is try to enjoy your relationship, and base it on what's happening now. Not what you think will happen next year, or the year after that. Time will tell if you two can work things out for the long term. I think that what your'e having a hard time doing is letting go a little and seeing what happens. Do you think you worry too much?

October 29, 2011

I'm not saying it's not equitable to me right now. It is. It's fine right now. It's down the road, particularly next spring when this lease runs out, that I'm honestly worried about and I think my worry is justifiable, with regard to his behavior.

I HAVE been showing him I don't want to take advantage of him by being willing to contribute equally, and doing exactly that. And it's true that he could lose me over this issue down the road if he still expects me to contribute completely equally when he wants a living arrangement only he can afford and I am simply unable to! It's not emotional blackmail, it's the truth.

For the last time, please get it through your heads that it is not NOW I am concerned with. I am willingly contributing and can reasonably afford everything NOW. It is the time when we will have to look for a place together that I am worried about.

Given the vibes he's been putting out I feel strongly that he may just drop me once I can't afford to keep up with him and he doesn't want to limit himself to living where I can afford half the expenses. He's talked seriously about BUYING A HOUSE, like within the next year! There is no way in hell I would be able to afford 50% of everything there.

I just feel like the way that he talks sometimes, he doesn't think of me at all...yet he says he loves me so much.

October 29, 2011

I understand what you are saying. My boyfriend makes more than I do and we've had this discussion. I told him I never want to live in a place I can't afford 50/50. I've only been living here 4 days so I don't know how this will pan out ultimately.

He has agreed to that and because we live frugal in comparison to what he can spend, he has a lot of extra spending money. He just bought a motorcycle with all the expensive accessories. He's rolling in extra cash, but he keeps it in mind that he can't notch up our joint lifestyle simply because he can afford it.

Your boyfriend's materialism can be channeled in so many ways and having a less expensive lifestyle allows him the opportunity to invest or do lavish spending. He shouldn't be resentful that you require a less expensive space. That gives him so much latitude with how he wants to spend the extra money.

October 29, 2011

If it's only the lease running out, I wouldn't worry about it now. Give him a chance, as he's giving you. See what happens then. Try to enjoy what you have now and build on it. Try not to make the money the main focus.

It maybe true that he could lose you, but your motivation for saying it seems untowards. What do you have to gain by telling him? You are instilling fear if he doesn't come around to your way of thinking. That is what emotional blackmail is.

All you can do on your end is try to enjoy your relationship, and base it on what's happening now. Not what you think will happen next year, or the year after that. Time will tell if you two can work things out for the long term. I think that what your'e having a hard time doing is letting go a little and seeing what happens. Do you think you worry too much?

I am worried because it just seems like he is afraid to commit to me at all, ever. Things don't match up. He says he loves me so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and make me his wife and so on and so forth, yet he admitted that every time we've argued, he's seriously considered breaking up.

I am giving it a chance because I love him and I do want this to work...but I am legitimately concerned as well. I know he is too. I think the thing is that I am completely committed to him and to making this relationship work. I have been extremely vulnerable to and honest with him, to the point where it could have cost me our relationship, to the point I've never been at with anyone else, but he's got one foot out the door until I 'prove myself'...perhaps he's a smart one for doing that. Maybe that's what I should be doing too. I don't know.

October 29, 2011

I didn't think things would become even more complicated once I was able to pay my own way in everything.

(

Wow!! No words can express how sorry I am for your situation.

This man is a selfish dick and you must move out right away.

However, these are the typical problems one often sees when there is cohabitation with no commitment. This man is not committed to you and he does not love you.

If there is true commitment and unselfish love this is not an issue. The better couples that are committed to each other pool their money and they do not keep score about who pays what.

I have said this a 1000 times in this forum. Any woman that lives with a man without commitment is very naive.

Tigress:

You are nothing but a room mate and therefore you pay 50% of everything regardless of what you make. On top of that your room mate gets a cow with plenty of milk for free!!

It is extremely sad to read about how these men take women for a ride.

Why play house if there is no commitment?

October 29, 2011

For the last time, please get it through your heads that it is not NOW I am concerned with. I am willingly contributing and can reasonably afford everything NOW. It is the time when we will have to look for a place together that I am worried about.

So, right now, there is no problem.

He may brush off these concerns because it is a bit dramatic. If and when the time comes that he wants to move somewhere that you can not afford, he'll obviously have a choice to make. If he is feeling very committed to you AT THAT TIME, he'll likely work it out with you.

Right now, he doesn't have to make a choice about that---and maybe resists being "backed into" a hypothetical choice that feels a little bit like a test of his commitment. Pushing this issue now (when it is purely hypothetical) could be counterproductive.

October 29, 2011

you're dating that indian-hindu guy right TigressA? Well I have some news for you. They are known for being extremely cheap.

October 29, 2011

I am worried because it just seems like he is afraid to commit to me at all, ever. Things don't match up. He says he loves me so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and make me his wife and so on and so forth, yet he admitted that every time we've argued, he's seriously considered breaking up.

I am giving it a chance because I love him and I do want this to work...but I am legitimately concerned as well. I know he is too. I think the thing is that I am completely committed to him and to making this relationship work. I have been extremely vulnerable to and honest with him, to the point where it could have cost me our relationship, to the point I've never been at with anyone else, but he's got one foot out the door until I 'prove myself'...perhaps he's a smart one for doing that. Maybe that's what I should be doing too. I don't know.

Hah, I guess technically I am keeping score as well...screw it. I'm going to do what I can, keep going in 100%, and see where things go. Whether we split or live happily ever after, it's a learning experience. That's really all I can say.

Case closed.

October 29, 2011

You are nothing but a room mate and therefore you pay 50% of everything regardless of what you make. On top of that your room mate gets a cow with plenty of milk for free!!

It is extremely sad to read about how these men take women for a ride.

Why play house if there is no commitment?

What century do you live in? Having a penis doesn't make you so inferior you need to buy access to a vagina with money and gifts. Relationships should be based on equality. They shouldn't be a guy buying milk with half of his paycheck.

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