Money is getting in the way.

October 29, 2011

I didn't think things would become even more complicated once I was able to pay my own way in everything.

I posted the thread about my friend and her live-in boyfriend, and while I agreed that she was being selfish and presumptuous, I am able to relate to her in the 'tough s*it' vibe I am getting from BF when it comes to the disparity in our finances.

Things have been going well, aside from money. I brought up in conversation the idea of combining our finances--basically, treating all money coming into the household as 'our' money. Not outwardly supporting one person or the other, but mutually supporting each other. No concept of 'owing' each other. He said he didn't want to do that, wasn't ready for it, was fine with our current arrangement (splitting basic expenses down the middle and paying our own way for everything else). I said I wasn't terribly happy with it, but I am willing to see how it goes because I love and am committed to him, and it's also no trouble as I can reasonably afford everything at this point.

It has become increasingly clear that he values money more than he does me/our relationship. He recently admitted, in a vulnerable moment for him, that he is materialistic, and he wants me to make more money than I do--basically, be more on his level. I had suspected this for months, which is why I was so insecure and guilty over accepting his support when I was struggling--I suspected he secretly resented the situation. I asked him about it repeatedly over those months and he had denied it, until recently, saying he didn't want to hurt me.

Today we had another talk about it and he said, "I don't want to do it (have 'our' money instead of 'his' and 'mine'). We're going to keep to the 50% split." I said, "I have no problem with contributing 50% as long as I can reasonably afford it. But I'm going to say this right now: I will never make as much money as you. I will make more than I do now, but never nearly as much as you. Realize that if you want to do this 50/50 split forever, unless you want to lose me, you will always have to restrict yourself to living wherever I can reasonably match 50%. You've talked about wanting to buy a home within the next couple of years--what if I can't reasonably match 50% of basic expenses then? 'Reasonably match' meaning that I can make the 50% as well as the monthly bill for my student loans, my cell phone and other necessities that I need to purchase for myself, without your help? Will it just be 'Oh, tough s*it'? Will our relationship be over?"

He said he is willing to restrict himself to that extent...but I don't think he'll be willing to do that forever. Undoubtedly once he gets more experience in his field he'll be cracking the six-figure range. I will never come close to that. He won't want to restrict himself to what I can afford forever, not when he's already been talking about buying a home. And from everything that's taken place so far, I don't have much faith his mind will change anytime soon regarding truly not caring about whose money is whose.

He didn't seem perturbed when I told him all this, which worries me further and gives me more of a 'tough s*it' vibe. As I said above, I am not talking about him paying my bills or buying me things. It's about 'matching' or 'making up the difference' in joint, basic household expenses.

After all that has been said and done, I just can't help but envision a future where he is resenting me after agreeing to restrict where he can live to where I can reasonably afford 50% of basic household expenses, or where he resents me because I'm not able to afford 50% and he agreed to make up the difference. I can't help but have a feeling money is going to tear us apart.

October 29, 2011

I don't think the position you asserted to him was unreasonable. As long as you can afford it. If he decides to move into a more expensive apartment or home, and you cannot, does that mean it's over? If so, I think that's fairly short sighted of him.

If his financial picture blossoms as you expect it will, and he needs a financial "equal," then you might be incompatible. It's tricky, because I know I have a slightly expensive lifestyle and know this could be difficult if I get serious with a guy who is unable to afford to keep up with me. Honestly I try to date guys who are financially fairly stable, but I don't want to limit my options by only dating those that can afford my lifestyle. If I met a guy that was all of the qualities I need and he couldn't afford the same lifestyle, I think I would be more inclined to help out. But he'd have to be worth it.

October 29, 2011

There isn't any need to combine your fiances, unless you're married.

All you need is a checking account soley for paying household expenses and both deposit a set portion of your income into it (i.e weekly/bi-weekly/or monthly) to cover the bills (i.e. rent, utilities, groceries).

October 29, 2011

What you are suggesting is what most people do when they are married or engaged. That is quite the level of commitment.

I would never be amenable to this type of arrangement either. It isn't always about being materialistic either, there is a completely unfair situation.

Remember money is not just for buy goods, it also provides security and independence.

October 29, 2011

There isn't any need to combine your fiances, unless you're married.

All you need is a checking account soley for paying household expenses and both deposit a set portion of your income into it (i.e weekly/bi-weekly/or monthly) to cover the bills (i.e. rent, utilities, groceries).

I agree with this. Until you're married, it's responsible to keep finances apart.

My exH and I started a joint account together when we got engaged in order to put money into it for our wedding. We then kept out joint account as our bank account once we were married.

October 29, 2011

I don't think the position you asserted to him was unreasonable. As long as you can afford it. If he decides to move into a more expensive apartment or home, and you cannot, does that mean it's over? If so, I think that's fairly short sighted of him.

If his financial picture blossoms as you expect it will, and he needs a financial "equal," then you might be incompatible. It's tricky, because I know I have a slightly expensive lifestyle and know this could be difficult if I get serious with a guy who is unable to afford to keep up with me. Honestly I try to date guys who are financially fairly stable, but I don't want to limit my options by only dating those that can afford my lifestyle. If I met a guy that was all of the qualities I need and he couldn't afford the same lifestyle, I think I would be more inclined to help out. But he'd have to be worth it.

Yeah, if he did want/plan to move somewhere I couldn't reasonably afford--again, for anyone who may miss this in the original post, 'reasonably afford' meaning that I can also pay my own personal expenses without requiring his assistance--it would pretty much be over. Because presumably if we're still together when the lease on this place runs out next year, we'll have been living together for a year. I refuse to go backward in our relationship and live separately after that.

Honestly, it's not even really about him not wanting to combine finances--it was an idea I brought up, and I don't have a problem contributing equally as long as I can reasonably afford it. I shouldn't even have brought that up in the original post.

What I'm really fearful of is that he will continue to give me that 'tough s*it' vibe once I can't reasonably afford to contribute equally and he's no longer willing to restrict himself to what I can afford. I have a strong feeling that is what will happen, given the pretty extreme disparity between our incomes, and things he's said and done up to this point.

Edited October 29, 2011 by tigressA

October 29, 2011

Yeah, if he did want/plan to move somewhere I couldn't reasonably afford--again, for anyone who may miss this in the original post, 'reasonably afford' meaning that I can also pay my own personal expenses without requiring his assistance--it would pretty much be over. Because presumably if we're still together when the lease on this place runs out next year, we'll have been living together for a year. I refuse to go backward in our relationship and live separately after that.

Honestly, it's not even really about him not wanting to combine finances--it was an idea I brought up, and I don't have a problem contributing equally as long as I can reasonably afford it. I shouldn't even have brought that up in the original post.

What I'm really fearful of is that he will continue to give me that 'tough s*it' vibe once I can't reasonably afford to contribute equally and he's no longer willing to restrict himself to what I can afford. I have a strong feeling that is what will happen, given the pretty extreme disparity between our incomes, and things he's said and done up to this point.

If he prefers to live in a $450K home down the road and is making $100K + (as a hypothetical), realistically he cannot expect you to match the housing expenses at 50%, if you're only making say $50K.

At which point, there would be a mismatch in lifestyle. He may very well want someone who makes close to what he does, and can afford said lifestyle. If that turns out to be the case, it then boils down to incompatibility and both of you having different wants/needs.

October 29, 2011

This is only my opinion that comes from having lived with more than a few women in my life.

I don't think pooling all money and finances and making everything "one" is a good idea for people who are not married and are only BF-GF.. If the couple is engaged then that would be the one exception.

JMO...

I'm against the whole splitting everything down the middle but that doesn't mean you have to pool resources.

I have owned my own home since I was about 22 so when a woman and I moved in it was her moving in with me..

So I paid for everything.. food and all and they picked up whatever expenses they felt like from me..

But they always had their own money and finances..

October 29, 2011

If he prefers to live in a $450K home down the road and is making $100K + (as a hypothetical), realistically he cannot expect you to match the housing expenses at 50%, if you're only making say $50K.

At which point, there would be a mismatch in lifestyle. He may very well want someone who makes close to what he does, and can afford said lifestyle. If that turns out to be the case, it then boils down to incompatibility and both of you having different wants/needs.

Yeah...I just...I feel like despite how much he says he loves me, in the end his love of money and 'stuff' will conquer. I honestly can't help feeling that way because of the patterns that have been established, because of the things he's said and done...he avoided being honest with me about how he was really feeling for months because he was 'afraid to hurt me'. What if he's only staying with me in order to try to prove to himself and to me that the income disparity doesn't matter to him?

October 29, 2011

tigressA.. if you can't afford to half everything(which I'm against anyhow).. then he should step in and realize the disparity and pick up the slack..

He should make it easy on you.. so you have enough money to spend as your own..

If he isn't doing that then he is selfish and self centered and honestly just being unfair...

Making a life together should be unfairly hard and burdensome for one party if the other is on easy street..

October 29, 2011

Tig,

My exH made 10 times the amount of money I did, and it was never as issue. If we were together today, He'd be making 4 times what I make. His current wife is a stay at home mom, and when he met her, she was waitressing.

My point is, when you love someone, the finances of your partner should not be a dealbreaker.

If it is a dealbreaker, you're with the wrong person.

October 29, 2011

There are options other than 50/50 and totally combined...

You could split the rent in a way that is proportional to your incomes (70/30, for example).

Cross that bridge when you come to it?

I would be concerned about a "tough s*it" vibe at any stage, though. Are you sure that is how he feels, or does he think you are worrying about non-problems?

October 29, 2011

I'm usually not judgemental, but you are 100% in the wrong here.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you moved in with him when you had no income and he paid for everything. Now that you have an income and things are split in the middle you think it's unfair to you and he should even give you thousands of his monthly income because, well, you make less and you are in a relationship with him. The guy has every reason to believe you're taking advantage of him. If I were him I would feel like I'm very likely being used as a sugardaddy and either proceed with extreme caution or just break things off.

October 29, 2011

Making a life together should be unfairly hard and burdensome for one party if the other is on easy street..

Should have read:

Making a life together shouldn't be unfairly hard and burdensome for one party if the other is on easy street..

October 29, 2011

tigressA.. if you can't afford to half everything(which I'm against anyhow).. then he should step in and realize the disparity and pick up the slack..
He should make it easy on you.. so you have enough money to spend as your own..
If he isn't doing that then he is selfish and self centered and honestly just being unfair...
Making a life together should be unfairly hard and burdensome for one party if the other is on easy street..

I can reasonably afford everything now. I have no problem halving everything at this point. What I am worried about is the future...the lease on this place runs out in the spring...because of his established pattern, I am finding it difficult to trust that he won't leave me in the dust because he finds it inconvenient to restrict himself or pick up the slack because I honestly can't afford to keep up with him.

October 29, 2011

Yeah...I just...I feel like despite how much he says he loves me, in the end his love of money and 'stuff' will conquer. I honestly can't help feeling that way because of the patterns that have been established, because of the things he's said and done...he avoided being honest with me about how he was really feeling for months because he was 'afraid to hurt me'. What if he's only staying with me in order to try to prove to himself and to me that the income disparity doesn't matter to him?

I know. That's why I said it may be a case of incompatibility. He may love the "money" more, at which point, that will not work for either of you (as I would imagine).

It's good that you're having these discussions early on and you're being smart in that regard. He may on his own reach the conclusion after having these discussions with you, that his financial expectation of you (matching housing expenses at 50% with a disparity in his income vs. yours), is not feasible and decide to be more flexible in terms of what you both can afford together.

October 29, 2011

I can reasonably afford everything now. I have no problem halving everything at this point. What I am worried about is the future...the lease on this place runs out in the spring...because of his established pattern, I am finding it difficult to trust that he won't leave me in the dust because he finds it inconvenient to restrict himself or pick up the slack because I honestly can't afford to keep up with him.

Is this a healthy relationship then?

If you're feeling like you have to compete with him financially or lose him, that doesn't seem right.

October 29, 2011

I am finding it difficult to trust that he won't leave me in the dust because he finds it inconvenient to restrict himself or pick up the slack because I honestly can't afford to keep up with him.

As the second half of the relationship tigressA you have as much power and input and where you guys go from here..

Again.. if he wants to leave you in the dust then he would be showing you a trait that should be a deal breaker.. or close to one anyhow...

October 29, 2011

What I'm really fearful of is that he will continue to give me that 'tough s*it' vibe once I can't reasonably afford to contribute equally and he's no longer willing to restrict himself to what I can afford. I have a strong feeling that is what will happen, given the pretty extreme disparity between our incomes, and things he's said and done up to this point.

Trust your gut feelings.

What will you do if that happens and you reach your limit with the tough sh*t vibe?

October 29, 2011

There are options other than 50/50 and totally combined...

You could split the rent in a way that is proportional to your incomes (70/30, for example).

Cross that bridge when you come to it?

I would be concerned about a "tough s*it" vibe at any stage, though. Are you sure that is how he feels, or does he think you are worrying about non-problems?

Yeah, that is how he feels. I told him if we're going to do it his way, then we should mind our own business as to how the other person handles their money outside of their household contribution. He agreed to that.

Because he makes at least 3 times as much as I do and it's a 50/50 split I am left with proportionally less money after I make my household contribution. I don't have a problem with that, but I think he does/will when it comes up that I can't afford to do something he easily could afford and wants to do with me.

I haven't brought up the idea of a more proportional split...I have a feeling he would think anything other than 50/50 is unfair. We were talking the other day about cleaning/cooking distribution and he said he has trouble not thinking he automatically contributes more to the household just because he makes more money--even though we are splitting expenses down the middle!

October 29, 2011

I think you are jumping the gun here, on two counts.

One, as others have already said, pooling money and resources like that is not really reasonable for BF/GF relationships, unless they are of very long standing and it is understood that they are as long-term committed as any married couple. Some people do it--my husband and I did it before we were married--but that was after we had been together for a few years, and it's not something anyone should just expect.

Two, if I recall correctly, your relationship nearly ended only about a month ago and your BF had suggested then that you move out. IMO, your relationship needs time to recover from that and find it's equilibrium again--I'm honestly very surprised that you feel it's appropriate to push this issue at this time. I would absolutely dig in my heels too if I were in his shoes, at this juncture.

I can see where you're going WRT the question of where and how you will live years down the road--but I would advise you to table this issue for the time being and work on reestablishing healthy communication and trust before you choose this hill to die on.

October 29, 2011

I can see where you're going WRT the question of where and how you will live years down the road--but I would advise you to table this issue for the time being and work on reestablishing healthy communication and trust before you choose this hill to die on.

Very wise words....

October 29, 2011

I can reasonably afford everything now. I have no problem halving everything at this point. What I am worried about is the future...the lease on this place runs out in the spring...because of his established pattern, I am finding it difficult to trust that he won't leave me in the dust because he finds it inconvenient to restrict himself or pick up the slack because I honestly can't afford to keep up with him.

What happens if you pay your 50% of all household expenses but then put everything else aside for your own nest egg, so you can take care of yourself if this relationship ends? Have you asked him about this? Would he be willing to pay for some date nights so you can get a safety cushion for yourself, if you explain it that way to him?

October 29, 2011

I think you are jumping the gun here, on two counts.

One, as others have already said, pooling money and resources like that is not really reasonable for BF/GF relationships, unless they are of very long standing and it is understood that they are as long-term committed as any married couple. Some people do it--my husband and I did it before we were married--but that was after we had been together for a few years, and it's not something anyone should just expect.

Two, if I recall correctly, your relationship nearly ended only about a month ago and your BF had suggested then that you move out. IMO, your relationship needs time to recover from that and find it's equilibrium again--I'm honestly very surprised that you feel it's appropriate to push this issue at this time. I would absolutely dig in my heels too if I were in his shoes, at this juncture.

I can see where you're going WRT the question of where and how you will live years down the road--but I would advise you to table this issue for the time being and work on reestablishing healthy communication and trust before you choose this hill to die on.

I shouldn't have included the 'combining' thing in the original post because I realized that isn't even the real issue--the real issue is his not giving a f*ck if I can keep up with him or not/his unwillingness to pick up the slack if I am not able to contribute an equal share. Now a lot of people will be harping on that combining stuff when it's not even really relevant...ah well, mistake made, lesson learned.

About the relationship having nearly ended--as I said in the original post, things have been going well aside from the money issue. This is the one thing we've been needing to work on and discuss. If this wasn't the issue I felt warranted the most concern, I wouldn't have posted about it.

October 29, 2011

Why don't you just GTFO of his life and find a poor man to shack up with?

Then you won't have anything to complaint about.

Right?

Dude.. are you reading the same thread we are ?

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