Cherrygirl1968 Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 I have been with my husband for just over 5 yrs. New Years Eve will be 3yrs married. I'm 43, he's 46 and I would love to club him over the head. As of about 3 mths ago, he tells me that he never loved me the way a husband should love his wife. Despite everything this man has put me through, I have deeply loved him and never stopped. Hearing that statement, killed me. The following 6 wks, hearing it over and over and analyzing it in my head, I became quite depressed. Feeling empty and like I've been living a lie. I really don't get it. Finally, I debated asking him to leave because I was growing cold towards him. Emotionless. I asked him to go and he did. He moved in and out of our home, back to mommies house, at least 6 times in the last two years. He is impulsive, self centered, egotistical, always right, doesn't think before he speaks and very judgemental. All of his family is like this. They don't like me, and I don't like them...for these reasons. My husband is an alcoholic, since moving out, after about two wks, he starteand texting me, calling me, leaving mess. crying about how much he missed me. I must admit, I missed him a hell of a lot. I text back. After some communication, we met to talk...at his place, he fed me a bunch of BS and of course I fell for it. I was the one who got hurt again. Our marrage had a huge share of problems and I have to honestly say, I did not cause any of them. Longer story made short, he has changed somewhat for the better in the last two weeks, making me promises, telling me how rotten he was to me (he was), and how he never did the things he should have all along. He only now realizes that I have beautiful blue eyes!!! wtf has he been? I really never new if he loved me or not, at least not like I loved him. Suddenly over this past week he is at it again...he loves me and loves me more than he ever did. He wants me back but he is scared he says...I'M THE ONE WHO IS SCARED. I do still love him. I do want him. I just don't trust him. He has female friends that he has lied to me about and that he never had before, says he will give them up for me but I know better. We just had a major fight for two days because out of no where, he says im on dating sights and I'M NOT. I wanted to take time to find myself and who I am. I lost me in him somewhere. We are struggling to get past his issues with me. I am and have been a great wife. Never cheated, no male friends, no life away from our home and our children (i of mine at home) and he brags about my cooking all the time, and baking, how I clean my home..etc. Says I'm the perfect wife and doesn't know why he has always taken me for granted. I'm frustrated and feel used for 5 dang years! We are suppose to meet at his place in two hours. I am sick in my stomach and wanting to jump into his arms and tell him I love him too but I am worried that I have gotten so cold over the past three months, will I know how to feel, react or anything when I get there? Do I trust him again this time? Where the hell do we go from here when I know I don't trust him and I know he doesn't trust me based on a past marrage. I'm a good person, honest, loyal, caring, never think of myself first, (until now) and I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. It's peaceful at home without him but lonely as heck. I do want him back but I don't. Help me out please. I'm hurt and hurt and hurt over and over and over again. My best friend as well as a friend to him says that we can't seem to stay away from eachother. We need to work it out. It is hard for me since I obviously was holding my marrage together all by myself and did all of the work. We tried counciling and all was going well until he decided not to go back. PLEASE CLUB ME OVER THE HEAD SO I MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES!!! ????
trippi1432 Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 First off, welcome to LS. You seem to have analyzed the situation and the issues. Being that you state that he is an alcoholic, you must know that many waffle back and forth between love/hate and you being the reason for their misery. So far, he's said an awful lot that you haven't heard over the past five years...lot's of talk. What are his actions?? Is he in AA? What treatment programs has he attended. He quit the therapy...why, because an alcoholic can't look at themselves. My take, he's not ready yet and is only spouting words. He knows you are lonely, you know you are lonely...it's called co-dependency. Personally, I was with an alcoholic for 15 years and I wouldn't trade how much better my life is without him now. Once I put in the right boundaries, I've surrounded myself with people who truly love me and care about me rather than base my worth off of someone who wears a mask. My advice, put off meeting with him and do some research on Co-dependency. Melody Beattie is a great resource and has a website. Also, have you looked into Al-Anon to help you with coping? If anything, if you do meet with him, do not agree with anything, do not give him any promises and keep the words to a minimum until you get your emotions in check. Alcoholics depend on getting to your via your emotions...be it feeling sorry for them or through anger. They need that emotional response from you because they bury theirs. Keep posting.
hopesndreams Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 I have been with my husband for just over 5 yrs. New Years Eve will be 3yrs married. I'm 43, he's 46 and I would love to club him over the head. As of about 3 mths ago, he tells me that he never loved me the way a husband should love his wife. Despite everything this man has put me through, I have deeply loved him and never stopped. Hearing that statement, killed me. The following 6 wks, hearing it over and over and analyzing it in my head, I became quite depressed. Feeling empty and like I've been living a lie. I really don't get it. Finally, I debated asking him to leave because I was growing cold towards him. Emotionless. I asked him to go and he did. He moved in and out of our home, back to mommies house, at least 6 times in the last two years. He is impulsive, self centered, egotistical, always right, doesn't think before he speaks and very judgemental. All of his family is like this. They don't like me, and I don't like them...for these reasons. My husband is an alcoholic, since moving out, after about two wks, he starteand texting me, calling me, leaving mess. crying about how much he missed me. I must admit, I missed him a hell of a lot. I text back. After some communication, we met to talk...at his place, he fed me a bunch of BS and of course I fell for it. I was the one who got hurt again. Our marrage had a huge share of problems and I have to honestly say, I did not cause any of them. Longer story made short, he has changed somewhat for the better in the last two weeks, making me promises, telling me how rotten he was to me (he was), and how he never did the things he should have all along. He only now realizes that I have beautiful blue eyes!!! wtf has he been? I really never new if he loved me or not, at least not like I loved him. Suddenly over this past week he is at it again...he loves me and loves me more than he ever did. He wants me back but he is scared he says...I'M THE ONE WHO IS SCARED. I do still love him. I do want him. I just don't trust him. He has female friends that he has lied to me about and that he never had before, says he will give them up for me but I know better. We just had a major fight for two days because out of no where, he says im on dating sights and I'M NOT. I wanted to take time to find myself and who I am. I lost me in him somewhere. We are struggling to get past his issues with me. I am and have been a great wife. Never cheated, no male friends, no life away from our home and our children (i of mine at home) and he brags about my cooking all the time, and baking, how I clean my home..etc. Says I'm the perfect wife and doesn't know why he has always taken me for granted. I'm frustrated and feel used for 5 dang years! We are suppose to meet at his place in two hours. I am sick in my stomach and wanting to jump into his arms and tell him I love him too but I am worried that I have gotten so cold over the past three months, will I know how to feel, react or anything when I get there? Do I trust him again this time? Where the hell do we go from here when I know I don't trust him and I know he doesn't trust me based on a past marrage. I'm a good person, honest, loyal, caring, never think of myself first, (until now) and I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. It's peaceful at home without him but lonely as heck. I do want him back but I don't. Help me out please. I'm hurt and hurt and hurt over and over and over again. My best friend as well as a friend to him says that we can't seem to stay away from eachother. We need to work it out. It is hard for me since I obviously was holding my marrage together all by myself and did all of the work. We tried counciling and all was going well until he decided not to go back. PLEASE CLUB ME OVER THE HEAD SO I MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES!!! ???? Sounds like you are married to a narcissist. You don't even know who YOU are. Let him stay at mommies and let him talk to his female friends about you. You are so done with him. Save yourself.
Sooner or Later Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 First: You seriously need to leave this man. He is NOT worth any more of your energy or one more ounce of your emotion. Secondly: I really was interested in your story, but it is hard to read if you do not separate your thoughts into distinct paragraphs. Take care of yourself--leave him--there is NOTHING worth saving here.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Hi Cherry and welcome to LS. Not to make light but I laughed soda out my nose when you said you wanted to club him over the head. Sorry for the tribulations you're going through. You said he's an alcoholic--well, that is no small thing. For your own sake be wary of anything he says or any commitments he makes unless and until he's come to sobriety and some steady senses. I don't entirely buy into all the messages and assertions of the 12 step fellowships but there isn't a lot else to help people married to alckies (and that includes those in denial who don't think of themselves as alcoholics yet drink a few times a week and turn to drink every time emotions get on edge.) You might start by seeing a therapist and getting advice on what's available to help you establish guidelines. This doesn't mean you're seeing a therapist because you're at fault. I have seen one myself because of exposure to someone who was impossible to figure out and I drove myself insane trying. This guy seems like he needs a riot act of some kind where he needs to know you're not an automatic that is always going to be there one way or the other. You'll probably need some help to finally establish which way you want your life to go and stick to it. It's very hard when you have mixed emotions and have to decide everything yourself. Start "your recovery" now and see if he wants to come with you. If not, start facing that he's toxic--no matter how much you want to love him. Good luck.
robf1971 Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 You've allowed him to walk all over you in the past. Now you finally stood up for yourself, he wants you back. Do not take him back, move on. One day you will find yourself a man who will love, respect and not cheat on you. There are plenty of us out there.
Author Cherrygirl1968 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Posted October 29, 2011 First off, welcome to LS. You seem to have analyzed the situation and the issues. Being that you state that he is an alcoholic, you must know that many waffle back and forth between love/hate and you being the reason for their misery. So far, he's said an awful lot that you haven't heard over the past five years...lot's of talk. What are his actions?? Is he in AA? What treatment programs has he attended. He quit the therapy...why, because an alcoholic can't look at themselves. My take, he's not ready yet and is only spouting words. He knows you are lonely, you know you are lonely...it's called co-dependency. Personally, I was with an alcoholic for 15 years and I wouldn't trade how much better my life is without him now. Once I put in the right boundaries, I've surrounded myself with people who truly love me and care about me rather than base my worth off of someone who wears a mask. My advice, put off meeting with him and do some research on Co-dependency. Melody Beattie is a great resource and has a website. Also, have you looked into Al-Anon to help you with coping? If anything, if you do meet with him, do not agree with anything, do not give him any promises and keep the words to a minimum until you get your emotions in check. Alcoholics depend on getting to your via your emotions...be it feeling sorry for them or through anger. They need that emotional response from you because they bury theirs. Keep posting. Thank you so much for the information on co-dependancy. I did meet with my husband at his place last night and of course after all of the begging for us to talk, I got there and to a surprise, he was alittle intoxicated. What a let down it was. The last time we met, he did not drink so needless to say, I'm sure we got no where. I mean today, will he even remember anything we talked about? Ususally some of it and some he doesn't remember or chooses not to remember. Since I changed my phone number, his only source of getting to me is to text my email. I couldn't hear his voice to know he was drinking. He led me to believe he would be just getting home at 8pm and I arrived at 8:05. Im not in Alanon, he is not in AA. I was in counciling but since I have lost my job due to a car accident...paying everything on my own on Unemployment Comp., I tried therapy this month and I ended up not being able to pay two bills. Now i had to stop going to not get into financial trouble. I am a mess and would never say anything different. I will check into the websight you suggested and keep on tryin to figure this mess all out. Thank you again.
Author Cherrygirl1968 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Posted October 29, 2011 First: You seriously need to leave this man. He is NOT worth any more of your energy or one more ounce of your emotion. Secondly: I really was interested in your story, but it is hard to read if you do not separate your thoughts into distinct paragraphs. Take care of yourself--leave him--there is NOTHING worth saving here. I have left, he keeps coming back into my life every few days. We have a home in both names, paid off, won't sign off on it and all it does is provide him a way to contact me or threaten to just walk in if I don't respond. It is marrital property. I have paid for half of the divorce, he is to pay for the remaining cost. I made it no fault just for the sake of money and feel that it is unfair. There is complete fault on his part. I am sorry that you have a hard time reading my post with my thoughts all over the place. When it comes to my marrage, they are all over the place. One day I am great without him, carry on with my life and then the next, I am a complete mess and cannot function. I tell myself that I can do this, I deserve better and it really just never seems to matter. Thank you for your thoughts.
Author Cherrygirl1968 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Posted October 29, 2011 You've allowed him to walk all over you in the past. Now you finally stood up for yourself, he wants you back. Do not take him back, move on. One day you will find yourself a man who will love, respect and not cheat on you. There are plenty of us out there. Yes, he definately has walked all over me, trampled my emotions and has made me feel worthless. Only now does he claim to care and see things in me that he never seemed to see in the last 5 years. He's gotten new female friends to run with and talk to and yada yada, but still clings to me. I don't know how to handle it. I even signed into a dating sight to find someone just to date and have a good time with, not for sex. I went out once and I was so sick, I couldn't enjoy myself, felt like I was cheating on me, my heart, and my idiot husband. I ended the date early and signed off of that sight and havent been back. What the hell is wrong with me. I did this to try real fast to get over him. I was a fool. My heart wasn't in it. I can admit to what I did was wrong. I only went on the sight after seeing him with another woman in the same shopping store we always went to and I still go to. It is close to home for me, not for him. I was extrememly hurt. Then he came begging after seeing me , see him with her. Omg, I am a fool. I was with him last night and I still feel no better or worse about things. We ended up in the bed even after resisting while he continually tried making out with me until i couldn't handle it anymore. I am human. If it is going to be anyone, I would prefer him over a stranger. I don't keep male friends : ) I feel like there are no good ones left out there. All of my female friends basically have much of the same crap I do. Thanks for making me laugh at ur admitting to my making u laugh about the clubbing over the head....I did look for something to hit him with last night. He wanted me to stay over night but I didn't, I just came home as using my puppy as the excuse. I woke up after only 4 hours of sleep. Nuts, right?
KathyM Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 I think too much damage has been done to salvage the relationship. These female friends are romantic interests that he is stringing along in case he can't convince you to take him back. I would consider that cheating and reason for divorce. He isn't making any effort to remove the addiction from his life, to go to marriage counseling, or to remove any other women from his life. He is stringing some along in case it doesn't work out with you. I'd say he's made his choice through his actions, and it's time to put an end to this. I know it's difficult for you. You still love him. But that's not enough. I'm a firm believer in marriage and working things out, but when it comes to infidelity, that's a dealbreaker. He's keeping these other women in the picture. If he were serious about saving his marriage, he would start AA, start MC, and have no contact with other women. That's infidelity, if you ask me, and shows he is not making the effort to save the marriage.
Forever Learning Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 (edited) You've gotten alot of great advice here. I would recommend you continue to read all you can around here. It will open your eyes and educate you. You will also realize you are not alone. I am close to your age. I lived your life for 16 years, married to an abusive alcoholic drug addict who is also a Narcissist. See this link for education about Narcissists, a personality disorder that is not treatable, it's permanent (Narcissism, or "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" is just one of a multitude of Personality Disorders that are recognized in Psychiatric and Medical fields under a grouping known as Cluster B personality disorders). http://www.lisaescott.com/ Living with these type multi-dysfunctional people will cause you emotional harm and can make you physically ill. I developed some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder along with coming down with cancer 8 years into the nightmare. To give you a little insight about how cold an alcoholic Narcissist can be - he partied with friends during my cancer surgery to remove a tumor from my neck - skipping out on coming to see me in the hospital as I recovered from a very serious surgery. His brain saw my hospital stay as a great opportunity to party with friends. I am only illustrating the level of dysfunction some people can have. He was Jeckyl and Hyde. Just one of millions of examples of his very cold state of mind. What happens in the long run is that this dysfunction and living in a screwed up "Alice in Wonderland, topsy turvy, out of balance, roller coaster" type world is that, it wears on your sanity and your self esteem. I began to suffer actual memory loss - my minds way of protecting me, in order to endure an excrutiatingly painful situation. Focus and concentration are lost as well. You become numb. Life is too short to put up with such a miserable callous individual in your life and such a screwed up existence. Life is not meant to be that way. Life with alcoholics, drug addicts and people with personality disorders is VERY emotionally wearing. Seek therapy and medication if appropriate, leave him and set yourself free. God bless you. Edited October 29, 2011 by Forever Learning
Steadfast Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 He is impulsive, self centered, egotistical, always right, doesn't think before he speaks and very judgemental. All of his family is like this. They don't like me, and I don't like them...for these reasons. My husband is an alcoholic... Charming. One can clearly see why he'd be so hard to let go of. We just had a major fight for two days because out of no where, he says im on dating sights and I'M NOT. I even signed into a dating sight to find someone just to date and have a good time with, not for sex. I went out once and I was so sick, I couldn't enjoy myself Cherrygirl, it's impossible to really know what's going on in your marriage, but one thing I'm sure of is there's two sides to this story. If I were forced to guess, I'd say you're looking to gain advantage in a power struggle. Many (dare I say most?) relationships have a hierarchy, and experience has taught when there's 'someone in charge'...it's usually the wife. Fact is, the person who cares least is...and that's your problem husband. You have to first decide what kind of life you wish to live, then follow through on the plan to make it happen. Happy, fulfilled people have a basis of honesty, and being honest starts with being honest to yourself. You'll receive good advice here, but it won't help if you aren't accurate about the problems. Life is hard, but it's easier to deal with when you know where you stand. Examine yourself first, then work on the outside issues.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Our marrage had a huge share of problems and I have to honestly say, I did not cause any of them. No one at Love Shack ever causes any of the problems reported in these pages.
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