Can it be considered rebound if they left you because they liked someone else?

[fificremefarben]

I'm having a wallowy night as I made no plans for tonight (roll on tomorrow night...i have plans then which should keep me occupied ). Naturally, it's all i can think about. So this is the issue I put to you this evening? I made another thread with my breakup story which, by the way, thank you so much for reading and posting advice on.

 

Can his new relationship still be considered rebound if he said he left me because he had feelings for someone else? Basically, yes, I'm torturing myself by thinking that it might not last if it's technically still a "rebound" relationship

[norajane]

Aww, don't torture yourself like that!!! It's not worth it! And you really can't know what will happen. And honestly...even if it is a short-lived relationship, you'd be doing yourself a disservice to automatically take back a man who rejected you for another women. Just a bad idea because you will always resent him for leaving you for another woman, no matter what he says, does, or how he tries to spin it. Thus, even if he came back and you were foolish enough to take him back, it would still end...again...and you'll be where you are now.

 

Dwelling only makes it harder on you, and makes you feel bad. Your focus now should be on stuff that makes you feel good, or at least keeps your mind occupied. So you don't have plans tonight...go to the bookstore and get yourself a really good mystery novel. They generally have no romance in them, and will keep your mind engaged with the mystery.

 

Who knows? Maybe you'll meet a nice guy at the bookstore...

[fificremefarben]

I know, but we were together for 4 years so I can't help but whether it's rebound, GIGs or something more profound and deep between the two of then. I know I shouldn't dwell but I can't seem to stop myself these days.

[mike588]

norajane is right. Even if it is a rebound which typically don't last long could you ever trust him again? You would still have what happened lurking in the back of your head.

 

I was a rebound and I know how you feel,, I wanted her back and sometimes I still do but my head and my heart are at war. I know deep down it could never work again. The resentment,, the betrayel is just to much.

[joseph17]

He left you for someone else now the only thing to do is move on. Don't beat yourself up over it. I know how it feels it sucks when you feel like what you had was nothing. But you will never trust him again even if he does come back to you and he is going to know he can treat you like that and it be okay. Don't put yourself in that position you don't deserve it. Start to heal yourself and do what makes you happy. Things you have wanted to do but couldn't. Show him that this will not keep you down and that your life will go on with out him. Then ,most likely cause this is how it works, he'll want you back and it will be your turn to reject him. Don't dwell on something you can't change and have know control over.

[Eddie Edirol]

Everyone else is right, but to answer your question, it most likely is not a rebound if he lost his attraction to you long ago. So this new relationship could work out. Even if it didnt work out, and he came looking for you, you havent changed, and would probably till be the same person he lost his attraction to in the first place. Whatever reasons he lost his attraction to you will still be there. Its been 4 years, he has to hold alot of resentment to you after that long for whatever reasons. Who knos, you might have been a long term rebound yourself.

[fificremefarben]

I definitely was not a rebound. I was his first real girlfriend. We'd liked each other for 8 years before getting together and then we were together for 4 years

[nature]

I'm so sorry, as this must hurt alot. I have never had that happen to me, but can only imagine the pain.

 

To answer your question, can you first answer a few things for me.

 

Did you live together, and if so for how long of that 4 yrs?

 

How old are you both?

 

Do you have kids together?

 

How was your relationship the 6 months prior to his leaving you? Honestly, how was it? How was he behaving?

 

How did he meet the person he became attracted to?

 

How did he tell you he was leaving you? Was it in anger and resentment to you, or did he feel bad?

[fificremefarben]

I'm so sorry, as this must hurt alot. I have never had that happen to me, but can only imagine the pain.

 

To answer your question, can you first answer a few things for me.

 

Did you live together, and if so for how long of that 4 yrs?

 

How old are you both?

 

Do you have kids together?

 

How was your relationship the 6 months prior to his leaving you? Honestly, how was it? How was he behaving?

 

How did he meet the person he became attracted to?

 

 

How did he tell you he was leaving you? Was it in anger and resentment to you, or did he feel bad?

 

We're both 24. We didnt live together per se but we spent maybe 4 nights a week staying over with each other usually. No kids.

 

He is a personal trainer and the other woman became his client in march. She would often send him messages at all hours which were pretty flirty and not professional, even whilst I was with him. I raised the issue but he reassured me it wasn't like that. He even told me she'd stopped contacting him and that she wasn't his client anymore.

 

9 months before the end of the relationship I had actually gone to France as part of my studies but either he visited me or I flew back home regularly (France to the UK is pretty cheap). We didn't think the long distance would be a problem because when we first got together I was just about to go to Spain for 9 months (also for studies) and we got throughthat ok with regular visiting. We didn't think it would be a problem this time because we knew it was the last time I'd have to go away.

 

He started acting weird a month before I was due back, which he put down to stress as changes in his contract meant he was working all hours but he swore blind that it wouldnt affect us. He did sort of try and rnd it with me the weekend i got back but he came back within days. Then, 3 weeks after i got back he went on a work night out (the other woman goes too all of their staff nights out because she goes to the gym everyday and knows them all) and he

ended it 2 days later, sayig he needed to be on his own for a while. He gave me loads of reasons, or excuses as I can now see them as (his work schedule, not feeling like himself and that we'd been fighting, which btw we hadn't been having any little fights that normal couples don't have). I asked him if there was someone else and he said no.

 

A month later he told me in a text message (!) he was seeing someone, and that it had had a part to play in our breakup. I was so devastated. After 4 years I trusted him more than anyone not to hurt me and he had gone and done this?! Emotionally unfaithful as well as a liar?? I asked him to meet me sober could talk about it, feeling that after 4 years he at least owed it to me

to tell me to my face what had happened, if anything just for my closure. He refused, saying we had nothing to talk about (I presume he refused out of guilt) and since then has cut me out of his life. He didn't respond to the last message I sent during that conversation. I didn't hound him with calls and texts (it's not my style) although a month later I did send an email saying everything I wouldve said had he agreed to meet me. He didn't reply.

 

I'm sorry that was a mouthful, but I'd really appreciate any insight

[fificremefarben]

Oh and this woman knew that he had a girlfriend, so i can't help but think she's been pursuing him this whole time. I don't like to blame the other woman, I know they're both to blame but my friends suggest that it's simply that she was their, flirting with him every night, whilst I was away in France.

[Buttercup84]

We're both 24. We didnt live together per se but we spent maybe 4 nights a week staying over with each other usually. No kids.

 

He is a personal trainer and the other woman became his client in march. She would often send him messages at all hours which were pretty flirty and not professional, even whilst I was with him. I raised the issue but he reassured me it wasn't like that. He even told me she'd stopped contacting him and that she wasn't his client anymore.

 

9 months before the end of the relationship I had actually gone to France as part of my studies but either he visited me or I flew back home regularly (France to the UK is pretty cheap). We didn't think the long distance would be a problem because when we first got together I was just about to go to Spain for 9 months (also for studies) and we got throughthat ok with regular visiting. We didn't think it would be a problem this time because we knew it was the last time I'd have to go away.

 

He started acting weird a month before I was due back, which he put down to stress as changes in his contract meant he was working all hours but he swore blind that it wouldnt affect us. He did sort of try and rnd it with me the weekend i got back but he came back within days. Then, 3 weeks after i got back he went on a work night out (the other woman goes too all of their staff nights out because she goes to the gym everyday and knows them all) and he

ended it 2 days later, sayig he needed to be on his own for a while. He gave me loads of reasons, or excuses as I can now see them as (his work schedule, not feeling like himself and that we'd been fighting, which btw we hadn't been having any little fights that normal couples don't have). I asked him if there was someone else and he said no.

 

A month later he told me in a text message (!) he was seeing someone, and that it had had a part to play in our breakup. I was so devastated. After 4 years I trusted him more than anyone not to hurt me and he had gone and done this?! Emotionally unfaithful as well as a liar?? I asked him to meet me sober could talk about it, feeling that after 4 years he at least owed it to me

to tell me to my face what had happened, if anything just for my closure. He refused, saying we had nothing to talk about (I presume he refused out of guilt) and since then has cut me out of his life. He didn't respond to the last message I sent during that conversation. I didn't hound him with calls and texts (it's not my style) although a month later I did send an email saying everything I wouldve said had he agreed to meet me. He didn't reply.

 

I'm sorry that was a mouthful, but I'd really appreciate any insight

 

 

He is a jerk for not giving you all the answers and lying to you like that .And that woman is stupid and selfish . I doubt it will last , I think it's GIGS and he needs an ego boost .

[nature]

Oh you poor thing. I did go back and read your other threads from when this all started so that I could understand it to the full extent.

 

It sounds to me as tho he hit a bit of a crisis when his father passed away. You said he became more sharp tongued, etc. His personality change was a reaction to this, and I believe his becoming interested in someone else was also a reaction. They fall together....sharp tongued goes with cheating on your girlfriend. Both come from a harder fram of mind.

 

I can tell you he most definately took her advances while you were away because whatever was going on inside him, needed and enjoyed the ego boost of this woman hitting on him. You were away studying, doing well for yourself, and this she-woman was hitting on a man whom she knew had a girlfriend. So not cool. He took her advances and went with it.

 

When you came home, I believe he had already been involved with her for a few months and was very confused. He tried to work it out with you and say he wanted you, but then he went to the staff party and she was there all flattering him up, and right then he knew he couldn't have his cake and eat it too. He had his nice girlfriend waiting at home for him, while this "hussy" was throwing herself on him.

 

Because of the crisis he hit when his father passed away, I don't think he had ever fully healed from it. People can do strange things when crisis hits. I know a husband and wife who had been together 48 yrs. When his brother died he was devastated but kept it inside and became jaded. He picked fights with his wife, until one day she came home from grocery shopping and he'd packed up and left. Moved out. Moved away. He went absolutely nuts off his rocker. He stayed away for a year. Then suddenly he came out of his crisis mode and realized "what the heck did i just do". He is now back with his wife living normally as tho it never happened.

 

i honestly think your boyfriend became very affected by his father's death. Moreso than you know. So he started looking for escapism from his normal life. Anything to escape. This is why he fell for this hussy at the time.

 

Now that I know the story, I do think it's a rebound. Most definately. what you need to do is disappear from his life. Completely disappear. One day I believe he will wake up and wonder. He will think about you. Realize you are gone. It may be next week or it may be in 3 years. But I do believe this will happen.

 

I am older than you, and have had boyfriends come back 3 yrs later after we've broken up to say they miss me and can't live without me. By that time I'm laughing about it and long gone moved on. But it has happened. I've broken up wtih guys who started taking me for granted. So I've left and gone away and disappeared from their lives. Years later every single one has come back. I swear to god. Every one.

 

I can't promise you this will happen, but I can almost place bets on it that it will. Sending you a hug.

[ffw]

I agree with eddie. Your case is sounding more of a lost of attraction than a rebound or GIGS. By thinking its a rebound one, you are giving yourself hope for reunion. In these cases, hope is a dangerous thing and can drive a person insane. As norajane already mention, even if he comes back, you won't forget the past. The best advice for you is to accept the fact its over & move on. Ofcourse, you will go throgh several stages before you get completely heal.

[fificremefarben]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate that you took the time to read up on my situation . I'm finding that one of the most helpful things during a breakup is finding people who are willing to listen to you ramble away (like my last reply showed haha) and are still happy to give advice. Thts why loveshack is so amazing- it's full of wonderful people like this, such as yourself .

 

Yeah, everyone seems keen to tell me it's not rebound because they were involved before the breakup but I can't help but feel that it is rebound, somehow. You'd have to be pretty heartless to feel that you could move straight from a 4 year relationship into another one without it being rebound.

 

Oh well, I suppose it's pointless now. He's ruined it. It's such a pity though, and this is what i still can't get over. It took us 8 years of liking each other to finally get together (different schools, moving away, moving back, different social circles etc. When we finally got together, though, I can't even describe how amazing it was. We were the first people each other bad ever loved, and man did we fall in love. He used to say that he was surer than anything that I was the love of his life, that he'd be beside himself of we ever broke up and that, if we did ever break up, no one else would know how to work him like me. I felt the same about him and then some. I would've given him everything and happily spent the rest of my life with him. Its just a shame that perhaps it seems he didnt love me as much as he thought he did.

 

Still, with his dad dying, he changed an i can't deny that. He wasn't the man I fell in love with anymore (though I like to think he's still in there somewhere). But hey, I was lucky to get the guy I got. This new one is her problem now. I pity them both, really. His new girlfriend has no morals and her boyfriend is a cheater. Not a great start to a relationship.