Annalisa Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 My guy and I started going out about 5 months ago. We've been "official" for about 3 months now. Things are great. Our relationship feels like it has long-term potential, just maybe even leading to marriage? I've never felt this potential "getting married" thing with anyone else. We're happy when we're together and we hardly fight or argue. We recently got through an issue with my guy's ex-close female friend (they're not in touch anymore) who was jealous of us and tried to tear us apart through constant harassment. This was stressful to go through. She almost succeeded in breaking us up. But fast forward about 3 weeks and she's out of the picture. My guy and I are stronger now for having gone through this. In January next year, I will be going on an overseas study program in Europe. There's a 6-hour time difference and I will be in Europe for about 5 months, with no visits back home. Is there any way that my guy and I can possibly "prepare" for this temporary long distance? This relationship is special to me and I would like to see it survive these 5 months. Neither of us has any LDR experience. My guy has never experienced being apart from a girlfriend (he only had one relationship before me and that only lasted about 2 or 3 months). The longest I've ever been apart from a boyfriend was about 2 weeks, when my ex went on vacation. Both my guy and I pay attention to our physical appearances and dress well. We get attention from the opposite sex. So I am kind of worried that either he or I will meet someone else while we're apart. I know I'm not so easily replaceable and he isn't either. It's just that both he and I have choices (other people we can date) so I can't help worrying. I have spoken to him about my fears and he's reassured me but he's never experienced being apart from a girlfriend so I feel like he doesn't really know what he's in for. So I just wanted to ask if anyone has any advice or tips for a couple going long distance soon? This relationship is special to me so I would really appreciate your reply. Thanks and hope to hear from you! All the best for your own LDR, if you're in one! I know it can't be easy.
wildgeese Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 I can only give advice from my own experience, but I am in a healthy LDR with relatively few difficulties right now (other than missin' the crap out of each other). You can always start preparing yourselves by being open, honest, and figuring out how you effectively communicate. But since he's a relative newbie at all of this, things may be a little more difficult. I saw in another of your posts that you didn't feel like he was being honest in the past. Hopefully this isn't the case anymore or there could be trust issues. While it's possible that either of you may meet someone else...if you're committed (and thinking about marriage potential?) then you won't put yourself in those situations. You can have plenty of fun overseas with a boyfriend and without attention from the opposite sex. I understand those worries, but we all have choices whether we're close or long distance and it's a matter of trust and integrity whether we go for them or not. Something that helped my boyfriend and I from the get-go was some standard "rules". Nothing too scary and by no means strict. We agreed to how often we'd like to talk over the course of the week, in what ways, whether we'd see anyone else while we're apart, etc. That way there are no surprises. And honestly, 5 months is not long at all! It'll fly by. You both have to put in time and effort - one-sided LDRs never work out - and you have to keep things in perspective. Prepare to be patient with each other, more vocal about your feelings, and to have some rough days.
creighton0123 Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 Like wild, I believe I have a very problem-free LDR. To start, we prepared ourselves by setting up some sort of order/organization in how and when we communicate. Our initial rule, that has worked for 12 months so far, is that he does not have to call me. I will call him. He does, however, have to be online (Skype). Communication is always through video chat. Any serious communication is always through video chat. Sometimes, casual stuff is sent via IM or email. Given our time difference (13 hours), we talk for a short time in the morning and for about an hour every evening. Decide if you want to do a "leave the video chat open" type of LDR or simply talk for a few minutes. Decide how often you want to talk. With a five month time difference, you should also decide if you want to break that in two and have him visit you once. The most important thing is trust. Unconditional trust. Jealousy in person can be worked through, but can kill an LDR. If you keep your relationship during that time care-free and easy, the five months will absolutely fly by.
Els Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 Creighton and wildgeese have given good answers. Other than that, though, I would tell you to make your last moments together enjoyable. Do the things you love together, while you are still in the same place. Make memories that will make you smile when you are away. Savour all the small things - you will start to miss them soon enough. I don't know about others, but memories of good times together IRL were a strong factor in cementing the goals of an LDR for me. Your relationship is yet new, so this would be of great importance IMO.
wildgeese Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 Creighton and wildgeese have given good answers. Other than that, though, I would tell you to make your last moments together enjoyable. Do the things you love together, while you are still in the same place. Make memories that will make you smile when you are away. Savour all the small things - you will start to miss them soon enough. I don't know about others, but memories of good times together IRL were a strong factor in cementing the goals of an LDR for me. Your relationship is yet new, so this would be of great importance IMO. Great, great advice. A huge contributing factor to the so-far success in our LDR is the fact that we were together, and even lived together briefly, before it become long distance. Being able to look back on those memories and share inside jokes is such a comfort, and something to build on. Of course I know that there are successful LDRs on this board that haven't started this way, so that's only my experience. Live up the time you have together right now, and be optimistic about the future together.
Author Annalisa Posted October 30, 2011 Author Posted October 30, 2011 Wow thanks so much for the great advice, everyone! Part of me sometimes wonders if that ex-female friend of my boyfriend will try something funny while I'm away. She's been known to act pitiful and seek attention, not just with my boyfriend but with other friends too. But after all the stress she put my boyfriend and I through, I think my boyfriend's learnt his lesson. Not to be too nice to other girls cause it might give them the wrong idea. I will talk to him before I fly off and maybe come up with a list of "rules" like you guys suggested. And of course you guys are right, a relationship is built on trust so I'll just have to trust him and he'll have to trust me while I'm away. As for him visiting me, it would cost A LOT of money. He works 2 jobs to put himself through college so as much as I would love to have him visit me, I would feel guilty at the same time because of how much money he'd have to spend and the number of hours' work that translates into. It's great to know that some of you are having relatively problem-free LDRs cause from what I've read on this site, LDRs are really not easy. Stay strong, everyone and all the best for your own LDRs! Thanks so much!
Viking Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I think when preparing to leave, make sure you express to him that you won't be able to always talk every night. It is also very stressful having to think of something to talk about if you talk too frequently. Take time to skype too. Don't have somewhere that you need to rush off to. I hate that about how my GF communicates with me. We're on the verge of splitting and it is all over her bad communication skills. Also, she doesn't know if she wants to return for grad school...
Author Annalisa Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 I think when preparing to leave, make sure you express to him that you won't be able to always talk every night. It is also very stressful having to think of something to talk about if you talk too frequently. Take time to skype too. Don't have somewhere that you need to rush off to. I hate that about how my GF communicates with me. We're on the verge of splitting and it is all over her bad communication skills. Also, she doesn't know if she wants to return for grad school... My boyfriend and I don't have the habit of talking on the phone for long periods of time. Maybe 30 mins max twice a week? He works 2 jobs and goes to college, and I have college and my family and friends. We're thinking Skype twice a week should be enough for us. I don't really know anything about you and your girlfriend's situation but have you considered that it could be the time difference that's making her have to rush here and there? Would contacting each other at a different time (maybe the end of her day) make things better? Hope things get better for you soon! Don't make any hasty decisions and try not to say things you might regret. All the best!
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