MammaMia Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 After Dday, H told me and I quote: " What I had with her was not as serious as you thought, and not as innocent as I thought." How would you interpret that? I have asked H repeatedly to explain and he won't. Any man on the boards has any explanation?
Lucky_One Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 I would guess that he means that he thought he could keep it sex only but he did get emotionally involved, but he didn't fall in love with her as you may fear.
Author MammaMia Posted October 28, 2011 Author Posted October 28, 2011 LuckyOne: Thanks for the response. It was only an EA never a PA. I should have mentioned that, sorry. What is your opinion on his statement now? Thank you
norajane Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 My guess is similar to Lucky's. He told himself that his relationship with her was just a friendship, and it was more than that. But not to the extent that you believe it to be - it wasn't love. But, that is just a guess based solely on the English language and sentence structure - no actual background information on the situation. I have to add, I hate language like that. It's like it's meant to sum up a situation, box it up and bury it so you never discuss it again. And it seems like an attempt to minimize your concerns without providing any real reassurance or information. Personally, I feel like it is vague on purpose, and the intention behind it is to leave you in the dark. WHY won't he explain what it means?
reboot Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 It's worded that way because it's a half truth meant to placate you without actually having to tell you the whole truth. He will trickle truth you to death as long as you allow it.
MissBee Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 After Dday, H told me and I quote: " What I had with her was not as serious as you thought, and not as innocent as I thought." How would you interpret that? I have asked H repeatedly to explain and he won't. Any man on the boards has any explanation? The red flag for me is the fact that he won't explain. Are you guys trying to reconcile? If so...he is not doing a good job of it, as someone already doesn't trust you, and now you're going to say cryptic phrases about your A and refuse to explain. WTF?! He shouldn't make it such that you need to go to men online to get into HIS head...and at that point I'd be done It's bad enough to have an A but if in the aftermath you act like I am the one who has to get inside your head and hunt down answers about what you did wrong and try to appease myself without your help...then you can really kiss my a$$!
Snowflower Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 After Dday, H told me and I quote: " What I had with her was not as serious as you thought, and not as innocent as I thought." How would you interpret that? I have asked H repeatedly to explain and he won't. Any man on the boards has any explanation? Well, I'm not a guy and it's impossible to know exactly what your H means by his statement. It's also troubling that he won't explain it to you. My guess is similar to the other posters on this thread: the A isn't as bad as you might be thinking: fancy dinners, dates and hot, passionate sex...but it wasn't a platonic friendship either. So why doesn't he just explain it in black and white terms to you and to himself? Because he still can't face the truth of his actions! What I noticed about my WH during his affair and especially after d-day--and I suspect other WS are the same way--is that he became a master at playing the semantics game. I would ask him a question and he would answer me in a way that seemed to make sense but really it was a half-truth or all-out lie, dressed with misleading words. When I read your OP, that was the first thought that came to mind...he is playing the semantics game with you.
Author MammaMia Posted October 30, 2011 Author Posted October 30, 2011 Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond to my post. Everyone is right, you got it somehow. This explanation was something he told me early on shortly after Dday. Yes, he is using semantics to explain things or should I say: for me to explain things. It's a game and he knows I know. He is the type of man who won't sit and discuss much; he'll listen while you talk then say as little as possible. He does that with everything so it does not come as a surprise to me that he opted to say as little as possible this time. Yes, we are reconciling and even though we still have some ups and downs, he is trying and there has been no contact with the OW. SNOWFLOWER: You are right. I , too, sense that he cannot face the truth of his actions. The last argument we had, he got upset and said that everytime I talk to him he comes out to look like a liar and a cheat. To which I responded:" that's because you are both." He did not like that, but he got angry and for the first time he openly admitted that he had dated this woman. I calmly looked at him and asked him how long is it going to take him to admit that there was kissing as well. He claims there was no kissing but I am not so sure. The reason I say " I am not so sure" is because I know the OW and have heard stories about how she freezes up and pulls away if a man wants more,even a kiss. So there is a possibility that there may not have been kissing up to the time I "knew" and talked to him. But there is also the other possibility that she may have genuinely liked my husband and because he was not pushing her for anything, she might have been the one to want more. Who knows????? The OW is morally corrupt and trash and she has dated pretty much every man in their club ( that's how they met)I knew of her and her reputation long before I got to meet her. People always talked about her latest "prey." Unfortunately my husband was one,too, but momentarily turned into a moron and went out with someone like her. She uses men to do the work for her, buy her things, and feed her. Thank God my H never bought her anything ( I handle the money) but he did buy her lunch and dinner a few times. She also goes online to dating sites to find men. You see, a girl has to eat at least 2 meals a day.....Since she is not willing to put out, she has to have a new supply of suckers ( H was one, too ) every day. So now you have a little more background. Ask if you need more info. Thanks y'all once more.
norajane Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 SNOWFLOWER: You are right. I , too, sense that he cannot face the truth of his actions. The last argument we had, he got upset and said that everytime I talk to him he comes out to look like a liar and a cheat. To which I responded:" that's because you are both." Yes, he's in denial. You held up a mirror and forced him to see himself as you see him because of his actions. He doesn't want to be seen that way, he doesn't want to see himself that way. He probably rationalized it all away in his head somehow so it made sense and he didn't look like the bad guy...but...you are requiring him to get out of denial, abandon the rationalizations, and admit to himself that he lied and cheated. He probably felt like Superman when the OW fawned over him. Now he felts like dirt because you are holding up the mirror so he can see himself. Truth about ourselves is often the most painful.
Author MammaMia Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Norajane: You are 200% accurate. He was Superman when with the other woman. He helped her a lot in the club and she achieved some recognition and moved up to the next level because of him. But for my H she would not have done it. He was a hero to her and to 200 other people who saw her get onstage and be recognized. I am sure he felt like a million bucks for what he did... so happy for him, for his moment in the spotlight because it has not helped his marriage nor has he had any quiet moments at home since Dday....... He lost my trust if nothing else and for who? for trash, for someone worse than a wh..e, because a wh....does what she does as a profession . This woman "offers her company to whoever will buy her a cup of coffee, let alone a meal. You tell me what is worse... I rest my case
Lucky_One Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I've never really heard of a woman who is so enthralling that she can get nearly every man in a club to "date" her, but only for free meals, because she won't even kiss them. And is trash and morally corrupt and collects prey. Usuallty a woman who gets around that much in a group of acquaintances puts out, and if she doesn't put out, then she doesn't get dates because they all know she is a c*ckteasing golddigger. Any chance that you are mistaken about the OW in question? That either she does put out, or she isn't quite so morally corrupt as you think?
Author MammaMia Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 She's fooled a lot of people. She plays the victim ,tells people that she has no money and she is an attention seeker. She has members pay her dues, her meals ( some women have paid ,too),do the work for her because somehow she does not get it, but does take on different tasks...you get where I am going? Some have figured her out and a couple of times, at meetings, they put the food away after everyone ate. She always arrives late so she does not have to bring anything( the meetings are potluck) So when she arrived at these meetings she got nothing to eat. She also has a history of sneaking into the big annual function to eat for free. Why don't they kick her out??? Good question, no clue. But there is also a male in this group who does exactly the same when it comes to using the club as a hunting ground for dates. The man has never sneaked into any event, nor has he taken advantage of anyone when it comes to paying and stuff. Even though H knew of her and her reputation, she got him to feel sorry for her, and early on ( before they even got involved) he told me that he felt sorry for her because people have started turning their backs on her. She is a charmer and I have heard it from many in that club.
Author MammaMia Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Thanks for the responses everyone. I really appreciate it.
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