mLuisa11 Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 i hope you understand my english construction. i dont know where else to go and pour my heart out feels like im*going to burst anytime*or*worst i dont know.*And i dont want to text my ex or anything of*that sort. I'd rather do it here Im not in a conventional rel given im a girl*with a girlfriend. I've been with my ex for a little over a year. We've been through a lot, we've gone through multiple break-ups. I've lost count . i've always wanted her. We work in the same company, same floor and now same team. I know. What was i thinking? I couldnt resist. I was in a 3 1/2 year relationship then and i did things to get out of it so as to have a chance with her. Much to my surprise*i got what i want all too quick. So there we were starting a relationship, but i was burdened with the guilt of leaving my ex for her. Just because i got so spoiled before, things that i feel im not getting now with the recent. At the same time i can't stop accusing my most recent ex of her still having feelings for her ex who dumped her 6months ago when we started dating. Looking back it's all my insecurities surfacing. And whenever i feel like crap i asked for us to break-up. She'll always be the one begging, pleading to take her back. She even came to a point of bargaining and was promising that she can even be like my ex given the chance and if that will be the only way for me to stay. And an empty promise like that will make me stay. And i'd be all guilty and feel horrible for doing what i did and making her go through that and take her back. Since i know how much i want her. It's always like that. Until the last two recent break-ups. Its entirely different issue. Im feeling that she's different when we are together and we are with her friends. Plus the fact that we have communication issues. Each time we get back together we don't talk about what happend in the past. It came to a point that i lost my temper in front of our friends in the office, which inevitably disgracing her in public said some things that offended her in an almost shouting tone. I regret i lost it and did what i did. but felt relieved at the same time that once i was able to tell her what i dont appreciate. We didnt talk but she send me a text after two hours. Saying sorry and that she doesnt want that kind of effect she has on me. That she's feeling that its the last time and this break-up would be final. i replied short and simple. That i appreciate the apology and said sorry too. Right after she sent me a reply saying she'll miss me and to take care of myself. i didnt reply and she sent another text saying that she wanted to say ' i love you ' for the last time. and again i didnt answer. all im feeling was the anger. * That same night she text me again bout some changes in the schedule and would just want to know if i was a aware. this time i replied yes because its nothing about us. i acknowledge the text and said thank you. That kind of the just letting me know what's going on went on for two more instances where i didnt reply and one fb message of something non-sense to which i answered back straight-forward. And then i notice as time goes by it felt like she's growing angry. It started on making me hear things like*she's into dating someone in an office setting which everyone could hear. it hurts but i pay no mind, or tried. Hurts like hell but i cannot do anything bout it. It went on like that and also our friends are somewhat backing her up on this ranting she has. And that adds to the hurting. It went on for 3weeks until i can no longer take it and asked my supervisor to transfer me to a different schedule where we'll only get to see each other once. Before the said transfer an incident transpired. She textd me something which triggered something in me. that as it came across im hurting her so much that i dont know. that she hoped i suffer the same thing for the rest of my life and never get to be happy. being that i was under the influence of alcohol that time, so timely. i tried explaining myself. i even called her up crying. and begging not to think that way of us. i was so confused that time. but she was adamant and saying that she doesnt want anything to do with me. the fits of her hanging up and asking me not call anymore went on for an hour. where i get to say what i wanted to. i even told her that im on my way to their place so she can tell me every pent up anger she has to my face. but she was pleading not to do that since she'll have a hard time explaining that to her parents if i'll go there in the state im in which is an emotional*wreck, cause her parents doesnt know. it calmed me down understanding that i dont want her parents to hate her. i came to my senses and lay on my bed and just stopped i was sort of accepting it that time. she was calling me and i didnt answer. and texting me that she was afraid that ill just show up and that she'll go out of the house so she wont be there if ever i'll show up. i assured her i wont go. in my mind im thinking what was i doing?? i feel like crap. the same night we have work got in the office early. as soon as i arrive i went to the floor and set up my things so ill be ready for work. in 5mins that i was at my station i saw someone to my peripheral my left. i know it was her cause she always stationed at the same place. i didnt feel anything i just feel tired because i didnt get to sleep and from the crying as well as the hangover. i walked out of the room passed by her. and went for a smoke. she went to the same area to smoke as well. i saw her and i felt nothing. she was there with her phone texting or whatever. i was just looking at her and im feeling tired. same day i told my teammates that ill be transferring to a diff sched. the day after she texted me that she was so sorry for her anger and she's ok now that she's no longer angry at me and for me not to transfer. and she was the one feeling all messed up now and that what she said was mean and made her cry. i got two missed call and 3txt mssges. to which i replied that its ok and we're going to be ok and for her to forgive herself. that time i was just feeling down and out and not hopeful. i feel for her. kept saying that she misses me and she's ok since she was able to deal with the anger. it just went on for just 4 days of convincing me to give it a try and i gave in. now?????? its even worst.
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