Grown Man has Trouble with Life

[laotzu]

If you don’t want to hear a grown man psycho-analyze himself and ask, “what’s wrong with me?” you should probably hit the backspace button.

 

I’m having a hard time being single. It’s really funny, because when I first “got over” my breakup, I’d lie to people about how long I’d been single - always exaggerating the length of time I’d been unhitched. And now I lie in the other direction, saying “it’s been six” months - when it’s really been seven.

 

When I was in my relationship I was reading forty books a year, writing dozens of short stories with a hope for publication in small journals, advancing professionally, getting involved politically, and was generally happy. Now, too much of my time is focused on dating, and my reading, writing, and interest in politics is going out the window. I’m generally not happy, and feel “unsuccessful” because I’m not in a committed relationship.

 

Additionally, I realize I have a ridiculous need for affection - to the point where it’s almost embarrassing. I keep allowing myself to get in short-term relationships with girls who I know I’m not interested in for the long-term, just to get a dose of affection. My ex and I used to groom one another like primates, make endless cooing noises, and eat one another’s hair. I’m not joking. Even typing this is really difficult. And to be clear: I don’t want her back. She turned out to be very materialistic, she lacked the ability to form close relationships with anyone but me, she wasn’t empathetic to people who had less than she did, and she had no desire for self-growth. But I’ll admit: I’m absolutely hungering for committed and assured affection like that. And more: I’m incredibly terrified that I won’t find it again.

 

Further, I find myself at an odd crossroads in life. I feel like I’m on my current path for no other reason than to find the right partner, which is something that would make me happy, but also might not happen. I’m in a strong career, saving money, expanding my already fairly wide social circle.

 

If I knew I were never going to find anyone who I wanted to marry, I wouldn’t do this - I’d stop entirely. I’m attempting to buy into a particular system as a means of finding happiness and satisfaction, but if I knew I weren’t going to find “who I’m looking for” I’d do something else entirely. (Try to make a living as a writer, own a little farm in Vermont - something that doesn’t involve trying to make a ****-ton of money. I can only do one or the other.)

 

Am I just a relationship person, or is still too soon for me to understand “who I am” as a single guy? It’s been seven months (no lie!) but I feel more desperate than ever to find someone. I was in a four year relationship, and we lived together for most of that relationship.

 

Sorry for the whininess. I’m at the tail-end of a week long travel for work and there’s a bottle of Cabernet which is mysteriously missing 1/3 of its contents. I'm probably going to see if I can find the missing 1/3 near the bottom of the bottle.