Jam3s Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Well I have been dating this girl for a couple of months now and it has been going amazingly well. However last night it all came tumbling down. She pretty much broke down while we were talking on video saying that she would ruin things because she knows how she is with commitment and that she fears when we first meet (she is about 500miles away) I won't like her etc etc, just a lot of insecurities. She said she has been fighting those thoughts for a few weeks now and I guess they finally got to her. Now I tried to reassure her as much as I could but when someone is in that state of mind there isn't much you can do unfortunately. She had a 4 year relationship previously where he treated her like crap and would more or less own her and make her do what he wanted instead of letting her live her life like she wanted, I tried to assure her that it was that past treatment and the hurt from that which made her feel as if she couldn't handle relationships and that it does not have to be that way with someone who treats her with the respect she deserves but again it was hard to reason. I told her I would give her the day today to just gather herself and try to take in what I said and that I would be online tonight waiting for her if she wants to talk, I'm not going to pressure her. My other thoughts are about simply going and seeing her asap, we planned to meet end of Nov but I just want to be there to reassure her that she will not suddenly become undesirable when we meet in real life (we video chat, talk, everything so much now, I don't see how it would be any different in person), and I know she will be against it due to her fears but I feel like if I can just see her and spend some time with her to give her that reassurance then it might just save things. Any thoughts?
Morai Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 You're girlfriend sounds a lot like me the first time I was going to meet my boyfriend. There was a lot of abuse from family and peers when I was younger so I'm a little bit socially awkward and extremely self conscious. My boyfriend would make comment about someone's weight in his family or how they looked etc, stuff that wasn't about me, and I would internally freak out and wonder if he meant it about me. It would bother me until we talked about it, those conversations were horrible and usually ended up with me bawling my eyes out I was feeling so insecure. They we met and it was perfect. We clicked and the whole week we were together was absolutely amazing, I've never been happier. Just tell her you love her. Tell her she's beautiful. Make a list of things you like about her and send it to her. The little things can really make your heart flutter and everything feel better.
Author Jam3s Posted October 28, 2011 Author Posted October 28, 2011 You're girlfriend sounds a lot like me the first time I was going to meet my boyfriend. There was a lot of abuse from family and peers when I was younger so I'm a little bit socially awkward and extremely self conscious. My boyfriend would make comment about someone's weight in his family or how they looked etc, stuff that wasn't about me, and I would internally freak out and wonder if he meant it about me. It would bother me until we talked about it, those conversations were horrible and usually ended up with me bawling my eyes out I was feeling so insecure. They we met and it was perfect. We clicked and the whole week we were together was absolutely amazing, I've never been happier. Just tell her you love her. Tell her she's beautiful. Make a list of things you like about her and send it to her. The little things can really make your heart flutter and everything feel better.Thanks for that Morai! It does seem logical to me why she would have the fears she does due to past hardships so I am very understanding of her and what she is struggling with. Certainly do let her know how strongly I feel for her and how amazing she is to me and managed to have a discussion today and it seemed to at least give her some extra drive to give it the chance it deserves. I really do want to see her sooner rather than later because of exactly your situation. Her major fears revolve around me not liking her in real life when we meet and I feel if we can put those behind us then it will make a world of difference to her confidence.
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