Antique Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I need some advice. Background Here's the background. I've dated my current GF, Tracy, on and off for 5 years. I'm currently 35, she's 26. We both live in New York City. I work in investment banking and she's a receptionist at a large Wall Street company. The relationship has been somewhat of a roller coaster. When we first met and started dating things were good. We had our fare share of arguments, but overall, everything worked out. About 2 years into dating, we moved in together. Things became a disaster. We started fighting all the time. Tracy has what I will call a very stubborn type-A personality and a "I will do whatever I want" outlook on life. Which strangely enough is the exact type of woman I am always attracted to and date. This is probably reinforced by the fact that she is an extremely attractive woman (multiple beauty pageant winner, former professional sports cheerleader, etc.) and her whole life men have fallen over themselves to buy her things, take her out, pay attention to her, etc. The Breakup After living together for 6 months it got to the point where we fought almost weekly. One issue she constantly brought up was that she wanted to be engaged by now and she didn't understand why I wasn't doing it. We started arguing about this. She started going out to clubs all the time and where previously she included me, it would only be with her friends. One evening I caught her text messaging another guy. She denied it. Said he was a friend. This led to serious mistrust on my part and another month of fighting. I chalked her actions up to being immature at the time as she was only 23. Despite my lack of trust, I decided to try and work things out and resolve our issues. She decided that she wanted out of the relationship, "I love you you but don't want to date just you". From what I've read here, this is exactly what is called the "Grass is Greener Syndrome". Getting Back Together After we broke up, I dated a few other people but couldn't find one that I even remotely liked. After 6 months of being broken up where she would periodically send me messages like "I miss you" but then reassert that "she wanted to find herself" one day I ran into her and she wouldn't leave me alone. She kept telling me that she made a mistake and now knew that I was the only person she wanted to be with and wanted to marry me. She blamed her leaving the initial relationship on me not marrying her after dating for 2+ years. I gave in and agreed to give it a second chance. Our re-established relationship did not start out so well. For months, I would periodically catch her still talking to guys that she dated when we broke up. In all honesty, I was still talking to girls that I had dated or met when we were broken up (but never doing more than keeping them on the hook as friends) because I still didn't trust Tracy and I believed she was doing the same or worse. This continued for a few more months, until one day I discovered that a married co-worker of hers (who is in his late 40s) was sending her inappropriate text messages insinuating that they may have been together when Tracy and I were separated. I confronted Tracy and to this day she denies it. Saying that they are just "very good friends". Despite every instinct I had that told me she was lying about what happened, I convinced myself to try and believe her. It didn't go well for months and she reverted to her old stubborn/selfish ways. Eventually it got to a breaking point. She gave me an ultimatum. I didn't do anything wrong. I want to be with you and only you. Either break up with me. Or move past the issue about the co-worker and believe me. I still didn't believe her, but based on a overwhelming sense of loyalty I felt and a desire not to go back to the dating scene which was awful for me for the 6 months we were broken up, I chose to try and work things out. We had been together for almost four years at that point and I just couldn't throw away all the time and effort. After some trying times, things finally returned to good. We have now been dating for another year and about 6 months ago we signed a lease on a new apartment and moved in together again as both of our leases were up. I have to admit, right now, things are pretty good. We rarely fight. We get along well. The trust has mostly been rebuilt. But every once in a while mistrust, etc. creeps back in based on everything that has happened. Unfortunately, I now have a new (well, actually "old") problem. Over the past 4 months since we moved back in together Tracy has expressed her frustration over not being married again. She continuously talks about how that was the reason things didn't work out before (because I couldn't commit - which I still doubt) and how things are starting to get stagnant. She has provided me with an ultimatum that is basically: She's 26, she wants to have kids by the time she's 30, I've dated her for almost 6 years, and I either need to marry her or break up with her. She's tired of wasting time. While she hasn't set a date, we need to renew or opt out of our lease in 2 months and she refuses to do it unless she is engaged. But either way we still have 6 months left on our current lease together. In a sense, I agree with her. After 6 years, while things haven't always been great, I should be able to make a decision. But, maybe it is because I am extremely over analytical, I can't. While she lives life on a whim, I am way more conservative. In an ideal world, none of the bad things would have ever happened and she would be the perfect person, but I don't think that's the case. Everyone has flaws. And I can't change the past. So here's where I am: My Concerns (1) Maybe this is wrong and is my insecurity issue that I'm not dealing with right, but I still don't fully trust her based on everything that has happened. Things have been good for almost 8 months and MAYBE she now only has the best intentions, but I am a believer in history is the greatest predictor of the future and her history only shows that she has been deceitful in the past and could very well do it again in the future. Her track record of contacting men says something. And, I am 99.9% certain that she had some sort of improper relationship with her married co-worker at the least when we were broken up and at the worst when we were still together. (2) She's selfish and moody. While her type-A personality is something I admire, she is admittedly a "selfish" person. While it is great to put yourself first always for self-confidence purposes, she takes it to the extreme. She refuses to compromise in certain situations, for example, if there is something I want to do but she doesn't. Instead of agreeing to do it with me, she will tell me to go do it myself or flat out refuse. She honestly sees no problem with ONLY doing what she wants, as this has worked for her in the past. I have seen her take this view point with not just me, but her friends and family. The only way I can describe it is she is just wired differently than most people. She doesn't beat around the bush, she doesn't participate in bs, and she just does what she wants. I was hoping the extremely unwillingness to compromise in certain situations was an immaturity thing and she would grow out of it, but she's already 26 and it hasn't changed yet. She's also very moody and can act mean or upset at the drop of a hat. I guess everyone is moody. I know I am. But she just has these general mean streaks every once in a while. This concerns me. As I've never dated anyone who can give me attitude so often. (3) She's a little too materialistic for me. Probably my biggest concern. We live in New York City and there is a serious culture of very attractive women who have the world as their oyster. Here, like in many places, attractive women can go to any club in the city, walk right in and have men fall over themselves to buy them drinks. I can walk down my company's hallway right now and name half a dozen men that buy expensive dinners, trips, purses, watches, etc. for attractive women they are dating or have dated. While beauty does fade, generally, men will do anything for an extremely attractive woman. Working at a large Wall Street company with many wealthy men, Tracy knows this. And has been treated her whole life to men that will do anything for her. To be honest, I can't fault her. If I had this power I would probably take advantage of it as well. But, a few things about this concern me. I don't know where she learned it, but she believes that it is the man's responsibility to pay for almost everything. Though I will admit that she does pay for dinners, items for the house, etc. on occasion. What more concerns me is her lack of respect for saving for the future. She is in debt for student loans and credit cards but refuses to curtail her spending on luxury items like designer purses and clothing. Her viewpoint: what if I die tomorrow, I don't want to have any regrets, so I am going to buy everything I want today. I will worry about the future when I get there. Her friends are all the same way; very concerned about money or dating guys with money. And none of them have very high paying jobs, they all just rely on their boyfriends or husbands to provide what they want. In addition, she has made it very clear to me that she wants a particular Harry Winston engagement ring that costs $32,000. Yes, that's correct. Her viewpoint: I am only going to wear one ring for the rest of my life, so it better be extremely nice and the exact ring I want. My viewpoint, wouldn't you rather have that money to pay off your debt or use as a down payment on a house and have a smaller ring. Her response: no, I will only have one engagement ring that I will wear for the rest of my life, I want it to be very nice. I don't want a small ring and then an upgrade later, I just want one ring. Don't you want people to see the large ring and think what a great husband I have? This is a ring I will be wearing everyday for the rest of my life. I've tried to explain how ridiculously expensive a $30k+ ring is. But she honestly believes that is what she deserves and wants. She has further argued that I can afford it, so why shouldn't I buy it. She's partially right, people in investment banking do make significantly more than most, including myself, but I am by no means rich. In fact, I make much less than most investment bankers. The truth is I have the money to buy the $30k ring, but I don't think it's a smart decision financially. If I had $100k of unused capital sitting around or a $1 million a year job, I would actually say ok, no problem. But I don't. In addition, I really want to change jobs and am just not guaranteed of making the type of money I am currently making for the rest of my life. I would rather have the money as a nest egg and save for the future. And, I work in a very uncertain industry. I could lose my job tomorrow. Then I really start to question what would happen. If we broke up, would she take the ring and take off. Then I'd be out $30,000? The Good Stuff Those negatives being said, I will admit: -She is extremely loving and goes out of her way to show it -She is the most exciting and fun person I have ever been around and we always have a great time -We have almost identical common interests and love to do the same things -She has a great family that I love and get along with tremendously -She has stood by me, for the most part, for 6 years. And, I am not always the easiest person to be with The Decision So for weeks I've been thinking things over. When it comes down to it, we've dated for almost 6 years, I'm 35 and not getting any younger, and generally she makes me very happy. If it wasn't for some of the things that happened in the past and the few things I've noted above, I would be 100% about marrying her. While on the other hand, I don't want to ignore any glaring red flags and do something that I will seriously regret. It's a tough call, my heart says "yes", but my brain says "think twice". So, I convinced myself I need to stop being such a "wuss" and just man up and get engaged. What's the worst that could possibly happen? I need to put an end to this once and for all. Best case scenario we stay happily married forever. Worst case scenario, we get engaged and break up and she keeps the ring. But at least then it's over and I tried and I can move on with my life since right now I'm just stuck in a 6 year limbo. So, despite not wanting to spend what I believe is an unreasonable amount, I've stopped by Harry Winston and put a hold on the ring. I got a call today that the price is going up by $4,000 next week due to the increase in holiday pricing so I need to buy before then. And, we've got a trip to Europe to visit my relatives coming up in a week as well. So, if I don't propose then before we have to renew the lease, I seriously don't know when I will? But at times like now, I'm having doubts and time is running out. I keep thinking that I focus too much on the negative and maybe the concerns I have aren't that bad I'm just blowing them out of proportion. On the other hand, maybe I'm not. I know no one can predict the future, but am I making a mistake? Or is this just pre-engagement jitters and I'm overly critical and asking for too much? The only other alternative I have is break up with the girl I've dated for 6 years and am currently living with who does make me happy and hope that one day I meet someone else better. Even though I haven't yet. But at 35 and wanting to have a family, what are the odds?
wilsonx Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 (edited) There is a huge issue here. You are getting played and you wont TRUST yourself. One of the things you need to do in life is always put yourself #1. If your gut told you, she cheated on you, she did. Its that simple. If your gut is telling you shes a materialistic bitch, guess what she is. 30k on a ring? come on, I hope you did not buy it already. One of the things thats very common with Grass is greenier type breakup is it involves 2 types of people. Emotionally Broken people and caretakers. She's definitely the emotionally broken one and guess which one you are. You are a caretaker. You allow and enable her to treat you the way she wants to treat you. Stand up for yourself. If you think she cheated on you and you saw the text messages, kick the bitch to the curb. Dont let her gaslight you. Gaslighting is extremely common in Grass is greener type relationships. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. You need to stop being an idiot and stop doing everything she tells you that she deserves. I wouldn't put a crackerjack ring on someone that broke up with me and was sleeping with older guys. She is a toxic person, shes marrying you for your money and the security that you provide for her. You are going to be the classic case of "I love you but not in love with you". A RED FLAG IS A RED FLAG. You are settling because you want to have a family. Look at the reality here. You are 9 years older then her, she has no ****ing clue what she wants in life and shes getting a free ride out of you. I would throw away 6 years with those red flags. The whole reason you are posting here is because you are telling yourself this is ****ing stupid and you are looking for other people to say YES PUT A RING ON HER FINGER SO ITS NOT MY FAULT. Im telling you, it is your fault. You have your entire life to find a relationship that works the way YOU want it to without any hiccups dont be captain Save a Hoe Edited October 27, 2011 by wilsonx
Citizen Erased Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 If you marry her, she will take that ring, whatever house or apartment you purchase and your savings once she's bored with you. No more credit cards when you have the ex husband's money after all. She's with you for material reasons. If you lost your job, she would dump you. She's more than likely cheated. Surely you're smarter than this?
Leegh Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I wouldn't marry her. When I got to your # 2 heading, that is when I thought that you should not marry her. I have a sister like that (what you described in your # 2 heading) and she is an absolute nightmare to be around. If you marry her, she'll probably get worse over time. It sounds as if you are deeply attached to her, but not madly in love. It's like a "catch 22", there are going to be problems if you marry her and problems if you don't marry her.
geegirl Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 (edited) Stubborn, selfish, liar, untrustworthy, spendthrift and materialistic. Red flags. I bet that if you wrote a list of what you want in a woman, these would not make it? All the good stuff you listed about her, I'm sure you could find those qualities in other women. It's not hard to find. It's a pretty basic list. What ever happened to wanting a woman who is loyal, kind, humble, honest, compassionate, empathetic, etc? Your list of good is all surface level needs. The question is, are you going to settle for the bad, just because you feel the need to hold on to so little good? Or are you settling because you want to be the guy that snags her because other men fall at her feet? Who knows but if you have to come here and list the bad and the good (which you could get from 99 women in a room of a 100), then you have your answer. It's one thing to have the same likes and dislikes, but you have nothing in common when it comes to building a foundation of common life goals. A woman who is so consumed with an f'n ring versus considering her partner's need for their financial security and stability, in my opinion is a woman that is shallow and empty. You both will never see eye to eye on money. She will spend and you will resent. Find a woman that has the same future LIFE goals as you do. Edited October 28, 2011 by geegirl
Space Ritual Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 Nope... If you marry her, demand a prenup...you will need it
Space Ritual Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 So, I convinced myself I need to stop being such a "wuss" and just man up and get engaged. What's the worst that could possibly happen? . No you need to man up and dump her ass, only a true wuss would put up with this chick. is her vagina lined with Mink? Whats the worst that can possibly happen? Why don't you take an evening and peruse some of the forums around here for starters....If you marry her without a prenup that protects you, then you are in for a world of hurt....because her goldigging days will just be beginning. and she will love having sex with friends of yours that have more money if she can get something out of it. sorry to be a bit Harsh here, but for somebody with such a high powered job you have ZERO street smarts....Get rid of her....
geegirl Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 .only a true wuss would put up with this chick.. Completely agree. You sound like doormat. A wuss will put up with a woman mistreating and using him. A strong man would show her the door because he would want a woman that respects him for his needs and goals in life. You see the fire down below, and instead of stepping away, you're going, "Hey, I see the fire down below, I'm going to jump anyway. What's the worse that can happen, I get burned?" You see the red flags and instead of stepping away, you're waving them with her. A wuss is what you are. It's no wonder she can make demands. Because she knows you will tuck tail and give her what she wants. I work in a high profile law firm and these guys make millions. Guess what, most have money grubbing, materialistic wives that they detest. Then there are the ones that are divorced and resentful that their ex-wives still have a hand in their pocket. Money will be the root of your evil, alongside mistrust. She's in it for the goods and not for you. She'll love you for what you can give her.
Author Antique Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 You were all right. I have been a doormat. I have put up with things for years that most people wouldn't dream of. I always made excuses for her actions. Always justifying things (i.e. she was young/immature, she was drunk, maybe I was to blame, maybe I'm over reacting, maybe I'm too sensitive, maybe I'm overly jealous, maybe she isn't doing anything wrong...). I bought into all the bs. I bought into all the lies. In the irony of all ironies. I was going to ask her parents permission to marry her tomorrow. Yesterday, we went to a Halloween party in New York with a group of her friends and my friends. She got drunk and started flirting with this guy that came out with some of our mutual friends that she once "hooked-up" with in college. She drank more and more, and it was obvious she was highly intoxicated. I said it was time to leave. She refused saying that she was going to stay with her friends. After asking her to leave five times and her refusing, I left. At 1:45 am I received a phone call from one of my friends who was also at the same party. He was dead sober. He told me he went to another room where there was a dance floor and he saw them "making out". Then he saw them leave together. The girl my friend was with, who was Tracy's friend, saw it as well. Tracy never called. Never came home. Until the next morning. She claimed she spent the night at her brother's who lived next door to the party as our house was well over an hour away. When I confronted her, she emphatically denied over and over again that she ever kissed this guy. She said she only "was dancing with him" and claimed that my friend was imaging seeing things or making it up. She went on and on about how she didn't do anything wrong. She also stated that she left the bar with this guy ONLY so he could help her friend her brother. She also claims that she spoke with her friend who was there with my friend and this friend told her that she was "pretty drunk" so she didn't remember what she saw. I don't believe this because my friend and this girl had a conversation about whether they should tell me. After an hour of protesting her innocence, I told her if she really didn't do anything, then send this guy a text message while I was watching and ask him about that night. She refused. And claimed that he would say "nothing" but said she wasn't going to do it. What amazes me the most is how when caught, she still goes out of her way to lie and gaslight, trying to leave doubt. And trying to shift the blame to the fact that I left her at the bar intoxicated and that I shouldn't have done that because she doesn't remember what she does when she is drunk. So, here I am. After almost 6 years of dating this girl. The one that told me daily she wanted to marry me. The one that felt she deserved a $35k engagement ring... the one that believed she has done no wrong. And STILL claims adamentaly she didn't make out with any guy, when a friend of mine clearly saw her. Still claiming that she loves me and wants to be with me and there would be no reason for her to cheat... especially at a bar where she knows there were people I knew. With a jointly signed lease that is valid for another 6 months. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her and I wanted the living situation resolved as quickly and immediate as possible. Since I know she can't afford the rent on our current place by herself, I told her the best possible option is for her to move out to a new place that she can afford and I will take over the entire lease. Her response: I'm not moving. Then I told her, I would move instead. Her response, then I hope you are prepared to be sued by the landlord for your portion of the rent. Because let him sue me, I have no money and already in debt. All that being said, why do I feel like the guilty one? Why do I feel devastated? Why am I unable to function? And, what do I do now that I have a joint lease with someone who refuses to move? Or, take over the lease herself?
geegirl Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) With a jointly signed lease that is valid for another 6 months. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her and I wanted the living situation resolved as quickly and immediate as possible. Since I know she can't afford the rent on our current place by herself, I told her the best possible option is for her to move out to a new place that she can afford and I will take over the entire lease. Her response: I'm not moving. Then I told her, I would move instead. Her response, then I hope you are prepared to be sued by the landlord for your portion of the rent. Because let him sue me, I have no money and already in debt. All that being said, why do I feel like the guilty one? Why do I feel devastated? Why am I unable to function? And, what do I do now that I have a joint lease with someone who refuses to move? Or, take over the lease herself? I know this sounds callous but this episode is a blessing to you. In time you will realize that it was all you needed to move forward onto better. I know you are hurt but suffering through this pain, temporarily, versus committing to her in marriage and living life with such a person would have been far worse damaging and destructive to you in the long run. If you are able to fork out $35k for her ring, I'd invest that money in removing yourself from the lease and finding a new place to live. Of course she is not going to move. You think she would be able to live in a nice place in NYC with the salary of a receptionist? No. Being as selfish as she is, you're her meal ticket. So, she's going to make it hard for you to disrupt her lifestyle. It's normal to feel hurt and devastated. You have an emotional attachment to her. You had dreams with her and she's become an emotional habit to you. So, you will hurt but it's not justification to keep yourself in a situation like this. You feel guilty because she knows how to manipulate you. She knows how to toy with you where you end up wondering if you're the one that is overreacting. It's a game. This is what a selfish and manipulative person does. I've been with someone like that and you always end up scratching your head wondering if you did something wrong. Shifting blame is what they do best because they do not want to be accountable. So, in order to feel that they have no wrong doing, they shift blame and you end up confused and lost, and that in turns gives way to the possibility of giving in to them once again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't fall for it. Edited October 31, 2011 by geegirl
norajane Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 The Good Stuff Those negatives being said, I will admit: -She is extremely loving and goes out of her way to show it Is she? Does that include when she's being selfish, materialist, and stubborn? Is that how she shows her love? Loving is about giving to another person. She sounds like she is about taking from you. -She is the most exciting and fun person I have ever been around and we always have a great time Sure, on your dime, and when you're doing things she wants to do. Lots of people can be exciting and fun when you're doing exactly what they want to do and you are paying for all of it. -We have almost identical common interests and love to do the same things Yet, it's an issue that she absolutely refuses to do anything she doesn't want to do...so you MUST have things that you'd like her to try that she absolutely refuses to try. Don't trick your brain into forgetting about that. -She has a great family that I love and get along with tremendously I'm sure. However, this great family isn't going to be living with you. She is. And this great family raised a stubborn, materialistic girl who believes you should give her everything she wants. That means they are nice to you only because of her and only for as long as you give their little star what she wants. -She has stood by me, for the most part, for 6 years. And, I am not always the easiest person to be with Has she? Does that include when she broke up with you? If these are the "good things", you are fooling yourself about the kind of marriage you would be signing up for. I guess any guy who would spend $32k on a ring is exactly the kind of guy who will be happy with a grasping gold digger.
norajane Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 At 1:45 am I received a phone call from one of my friends who was also at the same party. He was dead sober. He told me he went to another room where there was a dance floor and he saw them "making out". Then he saw them leave together. You should give your friend that $32k. He just saved you from losing millions in alimony over the course of your lifetime. At least buy him a beer. Tell her wonderful family that you get along with so well what she did to you. Tell them you can't live with her anymore. Then call a mover and arrange to put her stuff in storage. Make sure to change the locks. She can go stay with her brother.
wilsonx Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Ill be honest, this thread actually stings me a little. That's why I responded in such detail. I actually applaud you on this. Finally sticking up for yourself. You are going to be miserable for a while. It sucks and Im sorry you had to deal with this. Let me tell you, I went through the same type of relationship. I am 5 months out and I can tell you the hurt is still there. You have to start focusing on yourself. Get rid of her any way possible. Keep going to work, make that your drive to be successful. Find a gym or something to do physically wise. All these things + time will help you move forward. Once you start moving forward, never look back. Once you get the financial, physical, ties cut from her, you need to lock down NC from her, her friends, her family. You need to tel your friends to not mention her to you.
Author Antique Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Thanks for your feedback. In all honesty, I should have seen it coming. All the red flags were there. But I just refused to believe that someone could be with a person for 6 YEARS and constantly tell them they loved them and want to marry them and move in with them and spend all their time with them and then go out and get drunk and cheat with a guy in a bar. It makes me think back to all the questionable things that happened in the past (the affair with the co-worker, texting other guys, other nights out, etc.) and wonder what really happened. But every time I was gaslighted; "I would never do that, I love you, I only want to be with you, you are just jealous, you are just insecure, if I didn't want to be with you why would I continue to do it, why would I move in with you, ...". Even if I were to get her to admit she cheated, she would have some excuse.. "I was drunk and didn't really know what I was doing..." which I've heard 100's of times before. It's a shock. I keep thinking, what kind of girl, no, what kind of person acts like that? It doesn't make any sense. Her parents are some of the most caring people I've ever met. And have treated me like a son for years and told me they wanted me to marry their daughter. But the reality is, I guess some people only care about themselves. It will be interesting to see what happens. It is a difficult road. I don't think the pain or loss has really set in yet. Maybe I'm still in denial. But I need to get her out of the apartment to fully start over and start NC. But she refuses to leave. And still denies that ANYTHING happened, claiming my friend mis-saw and that she didn't do anything wrong. In fact, the last thing she said to me before I stopped talking to her was, "you're the one that is making the mistake, I didn't do anything wrong, can you live with that, giving up on 6 years and believing your friend over me, when I'm telling you I didn't do it?"
norajane Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 And still denies that ANYTHING happened, claiming my friend mis-saw and that she didn't do anything wrong. In fact, the last thing she said to me before I stopped talking to her was, "you're the one that is making the mistake, I didn't do anything wrong, can you live with that, giving up on 6 years and believing your friend over me, when I'm telling you I didn't do it?" Of course she won't admit it. What does she have to gain by admitting it? But if she manages to fool you, then she can keep her sugar-daddy. Too bad she was dumb enough to do it while your friend was still around and sober. Next time, she'll hide it better from whatever sucker takes her in.
geegirl Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Imagine what would have happened if your friend was not there to see it. You would have believed she was at her brothers sleeping like an angel. And proposing to her! And why would she own up? Ruin her sweet set up? Mess with her meal ticket? She fed you what you wanted to hear so that she could keep you in her pocket. The thing is, this is not her first offence. She throws the "you are giving up 6 years and you believe your friend over her" BS, but she's given you enough to prove to you who she is, time and time again.
M2155 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Antique I'm so sorry you are going through this but better this 6 years than the next 60. Remember they say the things that bother you while dating you must imagine them X10 because it only gets magnified in marriage. I'd just also like to say, I don't know either of your financial situations, but if she is ballsy enough to ask for a $32k ring:eek:, she better have all her stuff together. No car payments, good retirement savings, college fund...etc, that doesn't even compute for folks like me:o. Not saying your future wife isn't worth it, I'm just saying I need to know future wife will make smart financial decisions. I know you feel bad now but I think this is a wake-up call you'll be thankful for one day when you have someone that really appreciates you.
wilsonx Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 In fact, the last thing she said to me before I stopped talking to her was, "you're the one that is making the mistake, I didn't do anything wrong, can you live with that, giving up on 6 years and believing your friend over me, when I'm telling you I didn't do it?" Wow what a selfish bitch. This is the definition of gaslighting. I think I am going to add this to the wiki page on gaslighting. Antique, look, I got one of these too. When my ex finally admitted she had feelings for another guy a week later after I kicked her ass out, she said something just as ****ty to me. I said well, good bye and she said "wait, I have a co worker that I work with that will hook up with you if you pretend you have a tattoo" You have no concept of how better off you are going to be. Once you get ok with the loneliness again, you'll be fine. Trust me. Another thing, this isnt the end either, Im just warning you, be prepared for her backlash. Shes going to blame you for everything and how ****ty her life is now. This past month I've been getting it at the 5 month NC stage with her stalking me online and creating fake email accounts for dating ads.
Author Antique Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 My crazy has started already. Since we are living together. I approached her and tried to have a rationale adult conversation. It went like this: Me: Obviously, things have not worked out. If you want to be honest with me and admit what you did, I will have a normal conversation with you. Her: I didn't do anything wrong. You are crazy. You are the one who is giving up on 6 years for nothing. If that's the decision you want to make, fine. But I didn't do anything. I hope that's something you can live with. Me: Look, the best thing for us right now is to resolve this living situation. If you want to keep the apartment, I will gladly move and you can get a roommate or someone to help you pay rent. If you don't want to keep it or can't afford it, I will agree to assume full responsibility for the entire rent and you can stay until you find a new place that you can afford. Her: I'm not the one that wanted out. I'm not moving and I'm not paying rent. I'm on the lease. You can't evict me. And my credit is already awful and I have no money. Who do you think the property management company is going to come after in a lease where both parties are jointly liable. Me or you? Let them sue me, I don't care. If you move out you are still required to pay the rent. Me: Then I will find someone else to move in and pay a portion of the rent. Her: Good luck. Have fun paying for all those moving expenses. And good luck finding someone who wants to move into a joint apartment and pay all the rent and utilities. What the h*ll does she have to gain by living with someone who doesn't want to be with her who she cheated on? And making my life miserable every single day until the lease is up.
norajane Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Nothing. She's broke, you're her sugar-daddy. She isn't going to let go of you until she finds a new one to take care of her.
wilsonx Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 (edited) Youre not married. You can break the lease! Talk to the landlord, most leases have a break lease clause where you have to pay 2 months or something like that, just do it and end the situation. Either that or have your landlord evict you both with notice in writing and then sign a new lease with yourself on it. Pay the money and do what you have to do to get yourself out of that situation so you can start the healing process. My ex was on the lease and I told her she will find a new place to live, I dont care if your name is on it. **** her and send her packing Edited November 1, 2011 by wilsonx
geegirl Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 What the h*ll does she have to gain by living with someone who doesn't want to be with her who she cheated on? And making my life miserable every single day until the lease is up. What does she have to gain? A meal ticket. She's not staying because she wants to stay with you. Get that out of your head if it's there. She doesn't care that you don't want to be with her. She doesn't care that you caught her cheating because she has no conscience. She just wants someone to upkeep her lifestyle. If you were going to spend $35K on a ring, spend some money on your emotional health and well being. Breaking a lease won't cost you that much but a few months in rent. Question is, are you dilly dallying because you're afraid to take that step.
M2155 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Her: I'm not the one that wanted out. I'm not moving and I'm not paying rent. I'm on the lease. You can't evict me. And my credit is already awful and I have no money. HOLD THE PHONE! She has awful credit and wanted a $32K engagement ring:eek::eek:!!!!! (I'm sorry that's not a helpful comment but I can't get past this one) It's clear that this is over. I agree with the above posters, break the lease and leave her to figure it out on her own. Don't feel bad when she tells you how she'll be on the street or staying with some guy because they always find their own way when they are forced. Don't find her a roommate because another person doesn't deserve to be left with that bag either (cause you know she won't pay her share). Obviously she is in it for herself and not you. You need to move pronto. The longer you stay together the uglier it will get.
Author Antique Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Bad news. I've reviewed the lease and there is no way to break it with any sort of two month payment, etc. Management company even excluded right to break lease for changing jobs or getting drafted by the military. Crafty NY lawyers. By law we are jointly obligated for the next 6 months. Or more correctly, I will be obligated to pay all the rent and all the utilities for the next six months unless I want the landlord to sue me. And she can stay, pay no rent, and my only recourse is to sue her every month for unpaid amounts. I've offered her two very reasonable options of keeping the apt or moving. But, of course, what does she do. Say that she is going to stay, not pay rent and make my life miserable. Since she is on the lease, I have no right to evict her. I don't know what kind of a person stays somewhere they are not wanted just to inflict harm on another person. Especially, when they are the one that cheated? The irony of it all is, she is fine and continues to blame me. Saying: I didn't do anything wrong. You are the one who is causing this unnecessarily. You are the one who is over reacting and abusing me by wanting to leave. She feels she is entitled to stay and do whatever she wants. Will not admit what she did. Will not show any signs of sympathy or remorse. Not that it matters at this point, but if it were me who cheated or even made a drunken mistake. And, the person I did it to meant anything to me. I would be going out of my way to atone every second of every day: offer to go to counseling, offer to never drink again, make my life, my phone, my email, etc. an open book, do everything I could... Nope. Instead: denial, taking spiteful actions, blaming me, going about her life as if she did no wrong. It's only been a few days and I think the realization and a depression is starting to set in for me. I'm trying to fight it. But I don't think I'll be able to last 6 months of torture. The pain of the loss after 6 years is bad enough. I am just waiting for the day when she starts bringing other guys back to the apartment to spite me. That would be the last straw. Unfortunately, I would love to just pick up and move. But I can't justify paying rent for two apartments, one of which would be solely for the cheating x to live in rent free, since I am still liable under the lease. And am positive she won't pay any rent. What kind of a person does this?
geegirl Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 She's not staying because she wants to inflict harm or make your life miserable but to have a place to stay, rent free. She's upset you are not buying her BS and so she squeezes you now for whatever she can get. Lost her 32K ring. Lost her doormat boyfriend. Lost her meal ticket. Now, she takes what she can get and that is a sweet 6 month rent free apartment until she snatches another sucker. A woman who wants a $32K ring with no care as to whether her partner can afford it or not, really does not give two s**** about how you feel. This is why she can't feel remorse or guilt or shame for her actions. If you were going to invest $32K in a ring, I'd take a portion of that and invest it in my emotional health and well being.
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