binny Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Not sure if there is the best place to post this.. How do you cope with the death of a family member? I think I have strange ways of coping.. I'm not sure if they are normal and wanted to know how everyone else copes. For example, my grandmother recently passed away unexpectedly. I burst into tears when I got the phone call after I had only just arrived at work. My manager asked if I wanted to go home, but I said I didn't.. I really didn't want to go home to an empty apartment and not know what to do. My family live in another country and the funeral is within 24hours, so it was unlikely I would make it in time. I don't really have any close friends near by either that I feel I could count on. Is it weird that I choose to stay at work? I guess I just felt like keeping my mind off things would help me not feel depressed that she had passed away.
pureinheart Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))), please accept my condolences. In my experience, when told of a death, I am in an initial state of shock, part of me trying absorb the info and the other part in denial not wanting to believe what I've just heard. Staying at work IMO was healthy for you...what could you do? You couldn't be face to face with close family members, so I think you handled it well as I'm sure there was much to take care of by the rest of your family members. Hang in there...
writergal Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 People have different responses to death; some healthy some not so much. Sorry to hear about your grandmother's death. Staying at work is okay as long as you could still function. I tried doing that two days after my father died but wound up crying my eyes out in the bathroom daily to the point where I was fired for not getting any work done. Granted it was a crappy job and I was in college and didn't care. But if you are in another country than your family, you probably should consider going to see a grief counselor for a while to help you process the death and the distance from your family since you state you have no one really emotionally close to you like a friend. When I saw a grief counselor after my father died, she told me that there are different stages of grief that people must go through to process death of a loved one. If you go see a grief counselor you'll get good tools to help you cope and recover.
alphamale Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 How do you cope with the death of a family member? you come to terms with it over a number of years, even up to a decade. but the first year or two are the worst then it gets easier and easier
Author binny Posted October 28, 2011 Author Posted October 28, 2011 Thank you for all your kind replies. I guess I was just worried that I shouldn't have stayed at work.. I've also not been wearing just black either.. I've been wearing mostly black, just not all black.. I didn't want to show up in all black and have someone who didnt know make a comment like "who died!" as a joke or something.. that would have set me off crying for sure.. I know I should have worn all black..but I just couldn't..I don't have many dark coloured clothes..I also wanted to wear some jewlery which she had given me.. to make me feel like a part of her is still around.. Pureinheart, I went through the same thing, shock.. and now denial.. also a bit angry.. :S I'm flying out tomorrow to go to the wake and pay my respects.. I think reality will hit quite hard then.. I think that's when I'll really feel like she's gone.. writergal, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with your manager at the time. I'm quite lucky because my manager is very understanding (his father passed away in March).. He told me he didn't expect me to be in on time or to stay late, if I needed to I could disappear during the day, go for a drive or a walk around the block.. He also offered to let me use his office if I needed (I sit in an open plan office).. So I guess I'm quite lucky although I didn't abuse it..
Feelin Frisky Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 I'm very lucky to be the first born to a first born and haven't had much death in the family except for my father and grandparents. I dealt with my father's death pretty stoically until one night when I was drinking. Then I had a complete emotional meltdown in my bed by myself. I realized that change was upon me that I didn't want--I had always had a father--even if we weren't very loving. But I dealt with it and was the one to find him in his last seconds and close his eyes when I realized he had gone. When we all left the cemetery, I turn around and went back to touch his coffin one more time and say goodbye. I fear the passing of my mother and can't imagine dealing with the deaths of my siblings (except maybe one sister who I sometimes would like to strangle:p).
Tayla Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Oddly its contingent on whether its an unexpected death or one that has been dwindling awhile....slow death I call it. Staying focused on other matters can aide in the ease of transistioning thru the grieving stages. Little by little things ebb and flow on the emotional side. Crazy as this may be, when its been someone I was very close to, I went thru a violent 24 hours of pure anger and tears all etched into one...then as quick as that happened...a level of sensibility came to the surface...and I remained calm thru matters... To the OP...A sincere *comfort hug* for your loss, may you heal in a way that honors the deceased... To Frisky...yeah I too have a few relatives that I can relate wanting to create some sense in their otherwise vacant heart and head.
alphamale Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 ... and can't imagine dealing with the deaths of my siblings (except maybe one sister who I sometimes would like to strangle:p). take a life ins policy out on her. i know someone
ON MY OWN Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 (edited) Not sure if there is the best place to post this.. How do you cope with the death of a family member? I think I have strange ways of coping.. I'm not sure if they are normal and wanted to know how everyone else copes. For example, my grandmother recently passed away unexpectedly. I burst into tears when I got the phone call after I had only just arrived at work. My manager asked if I wanted to go home, but I said I didn't.. I really didn't want to go home to an empty apartment and not know what to do. My family live in another country and the funeral is within 24hours, so it was unlikely I would make it in time. I don't really have any close friends near by either that I feel I could count on. Is it weird that I choose to stay at work? I guess I just felt like keeping my mind off things would help me not feel depressed that she had passed away. There is no wrong way to deal with death. Only if it harms you or someone else. I didnt have a chance to read through everyones responses but there are not only grief conuselors, there are groups also. If you dont have any close friends it may do you some good to talk to a counselor or be in a place where people are going through the same thing as yourself. My prayers are with you. Many people do try and keep busy. But be sure you deal with the loss emotionally in a way thats right for you. What is right for one may not be right for another. My heart goes out to you. You can get any connections through your local funeral directors or hospitals. Funeral directors should have alot of connections and be able to steer you in the right direction if you make a phone call. That is what they specialize in. Edited October 29, 2011 by ON MY OWN
cerridwen Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Not sure if there is the best place to post this.. How do you cope with the death of a family member? I think I have strange ways of coping.. I'm not sure if they are normal and wanted to know how everyone else copes. For example, my grandmother recently passed away unexpectedly. I burst into tears when I got the phone call after I had only just arrived at work. My manager asked if I wanted to go home, but I said I didn't.. I really didn't want to go home to an empty apartment and not know what to do. My family live in another country and the funeral is within 24hours, so it was unlikely I would make it in time. I don't really have any close friends near by either that I feel I could count on. Is it weird that I choose to stay at work? I guess I just felt like keeping my mind off things would help me not feel depressed that she had passed away. I had the same question once. My father died when I was 14. He was a warm and wonderful man. My sister came to school to deliver the news. Despite being very close to him, I didn't cry. Nor did I cry at the funeral, or during subsequent years. Then in my early 20s, when asked his whereabouts, I couldn't get out the words "he's passed away" without crying. My grieving came late but it came. And it's gone, and I can speak of him with no tears. So, no, it's not weird to choose to stay at work. Not wanting to be alone makes sense. It's what some part of you felt was needed, and to listen to your instincts is what's smartest at this time. This is your coping style. No wrongs. Just hold yourself with compassion, binny.
Ross MwcFan Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Seems totally normal. I can imagine myself not wanting to go back home if I lived on my own and someone I loved had died. At home you're just going to be alone with your own thoughts. At work you're around other people.
TrueColors Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Not sure if there is the best place to post this.. How do you cope with the death of a family member? I think I have strange ways of coping.. I'm not sure if they are normal and wanted to know how everyone else copes. For example, my grandmother recently passed away unexpectedly. I burst into tears when I got the phone call after I had only just arrived at work. My manager asked if I wanted to go home, but I said I didn't.. I really didn't want to go home to an empty apartment and not know what to do. My family live in another country and the funeral is within 24hours, so it was unlikely I would make it in time. I don't really have any close friends near by either that I feel I could count on. Is it weird that I choose to stay at work? I guess I just felt like keeping my mind off things would help me not feel depressed that she had passed away. Binny, My condolences to you and your family. I don't think what you did was in any way abnormal. One of my friends learnt about the death of one of her cousins just before we were due to go to a gig together. Obviously she was visibly upset and I asked her if she wanted to give the gig a miss. But she insisted on going anyway, again, because she said she didn't want to be alone dwelling on it. Anyway, I hope the wake went well and you managed to process and share your grief with your family. I had the same question once.... Despite being very close to him, I didn't cry. Nor did I cry at the funeral, or during subsequent years. ... My grieving came late but it came. And it's gone, and I can speak of him with no tears. Oddly its contingent on whether its an unexpected death or one that has been dwindling awhile....slow death I call it. Crazy as this may be, when its been someone I was very close to, I went thru a violent 24 hours of pure anger and tears all etched into one...then as quick as that happened...a level of sensibility came to the surface...and I remained calm thru matters... Cerri and Tayla, this describes as well what I went through with my dad's death. Initially, when my mom told me on the phone, I was completely numb. My dad's death was sudden and unexpected and when I got to my mom's apartment, he was still in bed, peaceful and I had a complete outpouring. Death was literally staring me in the face. Then...nothing. I guess the fact that my mom and my sister (who had flown in) and I spent hours talking over memories, helped us come to terms with it. Also, being the one in charge of the paperwork helped me in my healing. I think it also helped that we were able to see my dad, not as just a father, but a man with his own issues as well. But I keep asking myself "is it normal that the tears aren't flowing?" even though it's been 18 months. I guess the main point in dealing with death is not to hide it or deny it. If one is in emotional pain (or is questioning why they're not), then either talk or write about it.
cerridwen Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 (edited) ...Cerri and Tayla, this describes as well what I went through with my dad's death. Initially, when my mom told me on the phone, I was completely numb. My dad's death was sudden and unexpected and when I got to my mom's apartment, he was still in bed, peaceful and I had a complete outpouring. Death was literally staring me in the face. Then...nothing. I guess the fact that my mom and my sister (who had flown in) and I spent hours talking over memories, helped us come to terms with it. Also, being the one in charge of the paperwork helped me in my healing. I think it also helped that we were able to see my dad, not as just a father, but a man with his own issues as well. But I keep asking myself "is it normal that the tears aren't flowing?" even though it's been 18 months. I guess the main point in dealing with death is not to hide it or deny it. If one is in emotional pain (or is questioning why they're not), then either talk or write about it. Based on my experience, the answer to this question would be "maybe not 'normal' but not necessarily unhealthy." I suppose some would say we repressed the hurt. Dunno really. The psyche's a mysterious thing. But as you so wisely point out, what's important is acceptance and reaching out should one need to. I never denied my father died. I have no answers for why the delay of tears. Curious isn't it? Sorry for your loss, True. Wishing you well. Edited October 30, 2011 by cerridwen
TrueColors Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Based on my experience, the answer to this question would be "maybe not 'normal' but not necessarily unhealthy." I suppose some would say we repressed the hurt. Dunno really. The psyche's a mysterious thing. But as you so wisely point out, what's important is acceptance and reaching out should one need to. I never denied my father died. I have no answers for why the delay of tears. Curious isn't it? Sorry for your loss, True. Wishing you well. Thanks Cerri. I know I do still miss him. Although I do think something has to be said about the emotional closeness that one shares between themselves and a deceased family member. I don't think I was particularly that emotionally close to my dad, even though I know he loved me and my family. I know deep down it still affects me, because the subject of death came up in a conversation I had with some newly acquired acquaintances and I ended up talking about his death and it "surprised" me that I still felt emotional about it. That and it's made me more anxious and weary about when my mom's "time" comes too. It could also be that my dad's mantra was "always expect the unexpected". And he was right! Btw, yes, I too strive to say "healthy/unhealthy" instead of "normal/abnormal". I guess that's what loads of therapy does to you. (OP, sorry for threadjacking, but I hope reading other people's experiences helps with your own).
Author binny Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 I know this is a bit late, but I've hardly been online... I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied. I'm truly sorry to hear what others have been through, but also feel a slight comfort in knowing that other people have coped in similar ways to me. My grandfather (other side of the family) also passed away on Sunday.. So it's been a rather complicated (can't really think of a better word right now..) week.. Needless to say my mind is in a bit of a strange place at the moment..
cerridwen Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 I know this is a bit late, but I've hardly been online... I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied. I'm truly sorry to hear what others have been through, but also feel a slight comfort in knowing that other people have coped in similar ways to me. My grandfather (other side of the family) also passed away on Sunday.. So it's been a rather complicated (can't really think of a better word right now..) week.. Needless to say my mind is in a bit of a strange place at the moment.. Best, binny. May your grandfather rest in peace.
elenda Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Firstly, I am sorry to hear that. And I think nobody can give a fair judgement to your way. since everyone has his or her own way to get over the agony. However, to me, i will rush home and see my dear at last glimpse or I will feel regret.
Sw3etdev1L Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Psychologists define the stages of mourning... first is passing through a state of shock, then fear, then anger, then sadness... and then acceptance... some people pass through stages of sadness and anger, and then anger and sadness and they are swinging from one to another... at least thats theoretically, My psychologist said from one year to two, you start feeling urself again. For me personally, my mom passed away when she was 56, I was 24, it was horrible!... sometimes I can't still believe she is not here, that I cannot talk to her. Sometimes I still cry, because sometimes I get frustrated in some ocassions when I want to talk to someone about something that is important to me and I don't have her here.. Though, I'm living my life quite nice. In the jewish religion you have to be receiving people in your house, all the time, there is not one second you are not distracted.. This helps you to go through the pain.. Shivah, it's called.. and it is very wise.. people cover the mirrors in the houses and stuff.. then, you go back to your activities, it's a tough process but it is healthy.. after one year you have to go to the cementary... it helps you go through the mourning process. Something that helped me a lot when my mom, which gave me consolation was, that your loved ones live through the ideas they brought you knowledge, and as that knowledge lives iin you, she will always be alive in a sense.. hope I helped.
Author binny Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 thanks again for all the kind replies.. I'm going through a mix of emotions, it keeps changing.. anger, sadness, regret (things I wish I said/did, things I wish I didn't do etc)... I am sorry to hear about your mum, Sw3etdev1L.
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