kittenkit Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I know my friends and family love me and want the best for me, I really do. I don't want to sound ungrateful. But I have the hardest time listening to people after a break up. This is not my first major break up. You'd think people would see how well I coped before and trust me that I can deal with it and pull through and get on with my life. But no, apparently I need a bit of "tough love" lest I descend into self pity and never recover. Things that I hate people saying "He obviously never loved you. If he did he would be with you." "I KNEW it wouldn't work out" "You never seemed right together" Like - seriously?? No one knows a relationship except the 2 people in it. I may have given you a bad impression if I shared things when they were not going well. You may have thought that I could do better. You may have thought that you could see where it was going. Well - guess what? At times I've thought that about your relationships! I've not always looked favourably on your partners. But I would never say that when you're going through a break up - how is that helpful? I am the sort of person that I need to remember the good times, I need to look on it fondly. I need to draw the positives our of it. This helps me deal with it and move on. If you say to me "oh I never thought it was going to work out", you're basically saying to me "you're a d#$%head - we could all see it and you couldn't - why are you so stupid?" When I get annoyed I get accused of being defensive (of course I'm defensive - I'm in a vulnerable place!) and I'm assured that the person speaking has much life experience (which I presumably lack) which gives them insight I don't have. Into my relationship. I just don't understand why anyone would think that was a helpful thing to say.
perfectlyflawed459 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I know my friends and family love me and want the best for me, I really do. I don't want to sound ungrateful. But I have the hardest time listening to people after a break up. This is not my first major break up. You'd think people would see how well I coped before and trust me that I can deal with it and pull through and get on with my life. But no, apparently I need a bit of "tough love" lest I descend into self pity and never recover. Things that I hate people saying "He obviously never loved you. If he did he would be with you." "I KNEW it wouldn't work out" "You never seemed right together" Like - seriously?? No one knows a relationship except the 2 people in it. I may have given you a bad impression if I shared things when they were not going well. You may have thought that I could do better. You may have thought that you could see where it was going. Well - guess what? At times I've thought that about your relationships! I've not always looked favourably on your partners. But I would never say that when you're going through a break up - how is that helpful? I am the sort of person that I need to remember the good times, I need to look on it fondly. I need to draw the positives our of it. This helps me deal with it and move on. If you say to me "oh I never thought it was going to work out", you're basically saying to me "you're a d#$%head - we could all see it and you couldn't - why are you so stupid?" When I get annoyed I get accused of being defensive (of course I'm defensive - I'm in a vulnerable place!) and I'm assured that the person speaking has much life experience (which I presumably lack) which gives them insight I don't have. Into my relationship. I just don't understand why anyone would think that was a helpful thing to say. Oh boy I know exactly how you feel...my ex was over for my birthday last year and we were having a great time. He gave me my wonderful present and flowers and he was making me very happy. However once he left, my neighbor told my parents that he isn't good enough for me anyway and that I was going to find someone better once I graduated? Like really?? You are going to belittle the guy I really love and care about? They didn't even know him! Then I got the "if he really loved you he would be with you" speech after we broke up as well. First of all, they don't know how much we truly loved each other and for them to assume that my year and a half relationship was just a joke really made me mad! They don't know how hard the whole situation with me going off to college was on both of us and how hurt he would get when it was brought up. It was already bad enough that he felt like he wasn't good enough for me and that him thinking that was breaking us apart, and for people to say rude things like that and bring him down even more really put a wedge between us. I finally was able to convince my parents that the break up was hard on both of us and that we both still really care about each other till this very day, so now they don't hate him and they actually believe him and I are going to find are way back to each other in the future. But all those little lectures really did annoy me deep down.
Coupedriver Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Should only be there for SUPPORT..NOT advice.In my travels through countless counselors they have all had one quote in common..."Family and friends are there to SUPPORT you,NOT for advice.They should help you find ways to keep you busy or suggest ways to stay active...THATS all.
Author kittenkit Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Like really?? You are going to belittle the guy I really love and care about? They didn't even know him! Then I got the "if he really loved you he would be with you" speech after we broke up as well. First of all, they don't know how much we truly loved each other and for them to assume that my year and a half relationship was just a joke really made me mad! It makes me mad too! They belittle me when they belittle him because I chose him. I love him. But that doesn't mean I can't accept that it's over and move on. It's so easy to be cynical. If you believe someone is a bad person and a liar then you will never trust them and they will never hurt you. I think that's where all this nonsense comes from. They'd rather see you angry and bitter because at least then they know that you won't go back. If you speak too fondly of him they worry that you will get hurt by him again so they try and tell you how it is and they are dismissive if you point out that they don't really know how it is. It's upsetting enough when a relationship hits the rocks without being told that it was never real in the first place. I really believe that you can love someone deeply but it will not necessarily work out for a million reasons. There's no need to cause more pain by vilifying people. We don't live in a cartoon.
perfectlyflawed459 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 It makes me mad too! They belittle me when they belittle him because I chose him. I love him. But that doesn't mean I can't accept that it's over and move on. It's so easy to be cynical. If you believe someone is a bad person and a liar then you will never trust them and they will never hurt you. I think that's where all this nonsense comes from. They'd rather see you angry and bitter because at least then they know that you won't go back. If you speak too fondly of him they worry that you will get hurt by him again so they try and tell you how it is and they are dismissive if you point out that they don't really know how it is. It's upsetting enough when a relationship hits the rocks without being told that it was never real in the first place. I really believe that you can love someone deeply but it will not necessarily work out for a million reasons. There's no need to cause more pain by vilifying people. We don't live in a cartoon. I know! Personally I would rather forgive my ex and still hold love for him than hold hatred and grudes that eat at me everyday. I think being bitter prolongs any type of healing and kills any chance of getting back together. I can say first hand that I feel so much better that I let go, am forgiving him, and still loving him unconditionally rather than being angry everyday for our break up and such. My parents finally realized that too and my mom told me the other day she admired me because I learned at a young age that it isn't good to hold grudges against people, especially towards the ones you love. After all the negativity that goes on in a break up, you don't need more added on to it by your peers. It helps way more to be positive and forgiving, although I know that can be hard for some people. I truly think that is the best way for you to let go, move forward, make yourself happy, and increase any little chance of getting back together all at once. No one likes a Negative Nancy after all
GG3 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I know exactly what you are talking about. It's the reason I don't tell very many people about my relationships anymore. I have a couple of close girlfriends that I can talk to about my relationship and they talk to me about theirs, and we are all non-judgemental of each other and supportive. I think it's very hard to find those kinds of friends - being that I only have two of them. But I choose them to share my personal life details with and keep private to others for these reasons.
perfectlyflawed459 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Yea same here. I only have like three girlfriends that I talk about my relationships too as well, then the rest I just post on here. So really I have not felt the need to bring my ex up because of this awesome site Which is good because him and I live in a small town and things can spread like wildfire if overheard by the wrong person.
GG3 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Yea same here. I only have like three girlfriends that I talk about my relationships too as well, then the rest I just post on here. So really I have not felt the need to bring my ex up because of this awesome site Which is good because him and I live in a small town and things can spread like wildfire if overheard by the wrong person. Ah yes. I forgot about that. This site too is great for those kinds of things instead of family and most friends.
Rorschach64 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 "He obviously never loved you. If he did he would be with you." This comment has truth to it minus the 'never loved you part' me thinks. I know if I loved someone I would go through thick and thin to be with her and work on the issues in the relationship to the bitter bloody end! Someone that so casually tosses you aside does not love you.
perfectlyflawed459 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I don't think the whole "if he loved you he would be with you" line is always true...I mean every situation is different and some people let each other go because of circumstances (such as distance, college, etc.) that interfere despite how strong the love for each other was. I know a couple that let each other go right after high school after dating a year and a half. They dated other people in college, but they found their way back to each other after two years and are together today. There are just some bonds between people that cannot be replaced and just because someone lets you go doesn't necessarily mean you have lost them forever. Sometimes life just gets too hard for both parties, but separation can really strengthen a bond in the long run.
Rorschach64 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 PF, that situation sometimes happens, but I speak for myself right now. I would never let anything get in the way of my love, I am just stubborn like that Think about this, during WW2 American soldiers/marines/airmen/sailors were gone for almost four years straight but their wives/girlfriends didn't give up because they loved them. Maybe an outdated reference? Though for my situation...I hope you are really right My friends actually helped me get outta the notion that I cheated on my ex-f when I didn't, I got the gas light treatment, just gotta take advice with a grain of salt.
Sugarkane Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 PF, that situation sometimes happens, but I speak for myself right now. I would never let anything get in the way of my love, I am just stubborn like that Think about this, during WW2 American soldiers/marines/airmen/sailors were gone for almost four years straight but their wives/girlfriends didn't give up because they loved them. Maybe an outdated reference? Though for my situation...I hope you are really right My friends actually helped me get outta the notion that I cheated on my ex-f when I didn't, I got the gas light treatment, just gotta take advice with a grain of salt. I completely agree with you! Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong time period for sure. I was watching a tv a few weeks ago, got stuck in my head. The guy went off to WW2 and the wife and kid waited for them. It was romantic. It makes me feel bad about my current situation. I've been dumped a couples of times coz the guy "wanted to be single". I said fine coz you won't find better than me. I hope they're happy jumping from person to person. If I was in love with someone I would do anything for them.
perfectlyflawed459 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 PF, that situation sometimes happens, but I speak for myself right now. I would never let anything get in the way of my love, I am just stubborn like that Think about this, during WW2 American soldiers/marines/airmen/sailors were gone for almost four years straight but their wives/girlfriends didn't give up because they loved them. Maybe an outdated reference? Though for my situation...I hope you are really right My friends actually helped me get outta the notion that I cheated on my ex-f when I didn't, I got the gas light treatment, just gotta take advice with a grain of salt. Ahh what I woudl give to have lived in the time period Those are the couples who are still together today, celebrating their 50th anniversary. It always so hard to tell with these things because the future is so uncertain and these things are just so complex. I wish there was a manual for these kind of things that told you exactly what to do to get the outcome you wanted! Wouldn't that just make life perfect?
Rorschach64 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I know it is great and horrific time period. These days people seem to lack the intestinal fortitude to work through things when stuff gets rough. That's another thing my mom portrayed to me during my break up and she told my ex the same by using her marriage to my Dad as an example, but my ex f deemed it an invalid example because of the time era they grew up in....Damn ass GIGs I wish I had that manual PF, I'd trade a few organs for it.
wilsonx Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I wish there was a manual for these kind of things that told you exactly what to do to get the outcome you wanted! Wouldn't that just make life perfect? You create this manual yourself. Its called personal boundaries. Surprisingly it exists. You just have to do some trial and error work to determine what it is that you want
Author kittenkit Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 "He obviously never loved you. If he did he would be with you." This comment has truth to it minus the 'never loved you part' me thinks. I know if I loved someone I would go through thick and thin to be with her and work on the issues in the relationship to the bitter bloody end! Someone that so casually tosses you aside does not love you. I completely agree. If they said "If he really wanted to be with you he would be" I wouldn't be so cross - that's true! - but to say he lied about loving me is just nasty - even though I know they're trying to help. I do think some things are important enough that they need to take priority. Like PerfectlyFlawed and her ex need to go to college, get themselves established and grow and find themselves - I think that's a very good and sensible reason to break up. My ex? I'm not so sure. I can see that he's dealing with a lot at the moment, but I do think that our relationship wasn't important enough or he would have shared his problems and we'd have worked through it together. I'm gutted about it, but I can also see enough to realise that I don't want the sort of relationship where we give up because external things are getting tough. In the past? I suppose people weren't brought up to demand so much for themselves. Nowadays we are taught to analyse everything "is it making you happy?" but happiness is so difficult to pin down - it's an emotion that comes and goes. So we kill things by overthinking it. Or end things without giving it enough of a chance. The amount of people I know who respond to a friend who is having trouble with choruses of "dump him!!!" is just ridiculous. Sometimes I think these people just like their friends to be single. I suppose in the past there were a lot of deeply unhappy people who were trapped in marriages and couldn't get out. I really wouldn't like to go back to those times. However, I think we can learn a lot from our grandparents about appreciating what you've got. Maybe it's easier to see the bigger picture when you've got Nazis threatening to invade.
Rorschach64 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 A lot of the time, I guess, the dumper tends to be immature about not giving things a try and thinking that relationships are suppose to be ALWAYS easy and that the honeymoon phase would last forever. My ex-fiancee said we got too comfortable in the relationship, that me wanting to spend time with her and do things with her resulted in her seeing herself in me plus I liked to take interests in her likes, and thus lost attraction for me which resulted in her wanting to take a break where we could date other people...GIGs. She was just vastly immature and didn't know what love was/is. PF situation, from what I read of it excuse me if I misread something about it, was pretty mature from what it seemed but I think her ex gave in to his fear a bit. I guess it was justified since the age and her going off to college but like someone said to her there is always the future for them two and for any other person's relationship, if their hearts are open to it. I love friends and hate them during break ups. My ex fiancee's friend told me he would support my ex's decision no matter what.....I think friends need to learn when to put their foot down when their stupid friends are being outrageous like that. It is basically these friends supporting the bad behavior and uplifting them to continue it without thinking there is anything wrong. As for the past, I just think people were hell of a lot stronger mentally than we are now because of the over analyzing things, the media saying things should be x y and z, and the western world growing more and more selfish. You are right probably a decent amount of relationships during WW2 era people felt stuck but I am sure they could have left but they didn't, correct me if I am wrong on that. People these days treat marriages as a willy nilly thing! I know I was slotted to go do something for the US military and everyone I knew got married to their gfs because of money and whatever reason....well guess what that something we where going to do .... got canceled! Can't wait to hear how many divorces are going to happen now....
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