OneFootOut Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 If you were having health issues that could often shut you down at random times, would you personally take yourself off of the dating scene, or would you put it up front and let the “potential dater” choose whether or not to get involved? Would your answer vary if the condition significantly raised your chances of dying earlier? (cancer, heart disease, etc) Would your answer vary depending on whether the condition could be passed to a partner, or not? (stds, aids, etc) On one hand, I can see worrying about what you might put the other person through, from dealing with things as they are, or him/her potentially suffering a great loss if you pass away. On another hand, we all need someone to walk with us through life, someone to turn to and lean on and love. Thoughts?
EasyHeart Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 It depends on the condition and the prognosis, but in general having serious health problems makes you unavailable for a relationship. I think it's better to concentrate on dealing with your health issues without the added complexity of a relationship. When you think aboot it, a comment like "we all need . . . someone to turn to and lean on and love," you're basically asking your date to be your therapist and support group. That's not what boyfriends and girlfriends are for. It's better to join a support group with other people who share your condition, rather than expecting your SO to do it.
Citizen Erased Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I have a 75-80% chance of still being alive in 20 years time and I'm only 24. My kidneys or liver can shut down, heart can go into cardiac arrest, my lungs can fail, go into renal failure, start getting regular migraines or seizures and I have approximately a 70% chance of carrying a baby to term and a live birth. Not to mention I currently have the joints of a 90 year old and will be visiting doctors constantly and taking multiple medications for the rest of my life. And that's not even all of the fun stuff. When I'm having multiple miscarriages and my organs are failing, I'll be sure to look at my husband and apologise for needing him to lean on instead of a group of strangers that happen to also have the same disease.
snug.bunny Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 (edited) I have a 75-80% chance of still being alive in 20 years time and I'm only 24. My kidneys or liver can shut down, heart can go into cardiac arrest, my lungs can fail, go into renal failure, start getting regular migraines or seizures and I have approximately a 70% chance of carrying a baby to term and a live birth. Not to mention I currently have the joints of a 90 year old and will be visiting doctors constantly and taking multiple medications for the rest of my life. And that's not even all of the fun stuff. When I'm having multiple miscarriages and my organs are failing, I'll be sure to look at my husband and apologise for needing him to lean on instead of a group of strangers that happen to also have the same disease. That sounds like type 1 diabetes. Edited October 27, 2011 by snug.bunny
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 CE, I am curious - does your illness affect your day to day functioning (as in do you need to rest more than an average person) Are you able to work full time? I also do not think that having health problems, even serious ones should make you unavailable for a relationship. If the condition can be passed on to the partner, I would be upfront ASAP. Otherwise, you don't have to spill everything on the first date, but soonish is better. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.
Sanman Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 That sounds like type 1 diabetes. Systemic Lupus is my guess for CE. The OP's question made relapsing/remitting MS come to mind for him/her.
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 No, if I were heavily diseased I would never pass on my genes and make the human race even more weak...That's the problem of why so many dumb diseases exsist..."keep everyone alive" All it does is downgrade. I'd say about 55% of humans need to be wiped out so the race can start fresh...to many inbred, diseased crap out there.... Hey...I'm one of them! lol.... I'd say my body and mind are good for suicide bomber positions....nothing more. :sick: I find your post very disturbing.
Sanman Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 To answer the OP, such an issue is very difficult on caretakers and love ones. It can take a serious emotional toll and lead to burnout as they have a lot on them. IT leaves them holding the bag after you are gone. Certainly, it is something every person has to consider. I would not bring it up immediately, but in the first couple of months (before you are a couple, but more seriously dating) so that the other person can make an informed decision. 1
Dorie Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 It is unlikely I would withdraw from the dating scene but would be as up front as possible early on, and let the other person decide what his/her level of involvement would be. If the disease could be passed along, disclosure would come sooner. CE, I'm sorry to hear of your challenges.
CambridgeGirl Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I have a 75-80% chance of still being alive in 20 years time and I'm only 24. My kidneys or liver can shut down, heart can go into cardiac arrest, my lungs can fail, go into renal failure, start getting regular migraines or seizures and I have approximately a 70% chance of carrying a baby to term and a live birth. Not to mention I currently have the joints of a 90 year old and will be visiting doctors constantly and taking multiple medications for the rest of my life. And that's not even all of the fun stuff. When I'm having multiple miscarriages and my organs are failing, I'll be sure to look at my husband and apologise for needing him to lean on instead of a group of strangers that happen to also have the same disease. Well said. I have degenerative disc disease and can only wear comfortable shoes and can't do a lot of things like go running, dancing, ski, bowl, wear heels etc. Men usually do not see me when they find out about it, they only see a condition that they don't want to be part of. One to check out please. Those who have known me years love me for me, and not my griping back. I look perfectly healthy and aren't a complete toad on a good day (with the sun behind me), so I have seen a lot of rejection when I reveal that at times I can be quite limited. But I remain positive that the right one just hasn't popped up yet. For the record, I don't need therapy or someone to listen to me, I have a successful career, interests and friends and family, and do an excellent job of managing the cards I have drawn. I'm as deserving of a lover as any other woman, and I bring a lot to the table that is unique to me. To suggest someone who isn't perfectly healthy has no right to desire or deserve a relationship is a frankly appalling and flippant point of view. There are some amazing people on this planet who can see past it, and a lot of people who can't. There are an even smaller number who are too dumb to think it should be allowed. I pity the dumb ones, for it is they who shall inherit the earth.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 OneFootOut, everyone deserves a chance at love. No one is a perfect human being. We all come with different bells and whistles. If you want a partner, and have some kind of health issue, I personally think you should just be honest about the health issue and still date. It's going to be a little more tricky but there are so many different people out there, don't be quick to undermine them. I know two couples who married someone with MS. In one situation, the woman had the MS. In the other situation the man has the MS. The man with MS and his wife have three beautiful little boys. They struggled with the idea of having kids and possibly passing anything onto them but eventually decided to take the risk and let what may happen, happen. Just because children aren't born perfect, doesn't mean they don't have a right to be born. However, all their boys are currently healthy. Maybe down the road one will discover they have MS too but that's okay. I also use to work with a woman that was very health minded and was always trying to get my office to be healthier. A few years ago she experience a brain aneurysm. Her boyfriend, a successful lawyer in Washington DC completely took over her healthcare, sold his home, and moved in with her in PA to take care of her. She is not the woman she use to be. But he is so dedicated to her that he can't contemplate anyone else taking care of her. He wants to do it and he does it with such dedication and heart that everyone in the office was just astounded with the spirit of this man. No matter what health issue is going on, if you want to date, I say date. Even if it's a terminal illiness. Losing someone is hard. But having never known them is worse. And it's those difficult moments that help shape us.
carhill Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 IMO, date and disclose. A compatible person will have the tools and insight to make an healthy decision, given proper information.
snug.bunny Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Systemic Lupus is my guess for CE. The OP's question made relapsing/remitting MS come to mind for him/her. Oh, I wasn't sure. Lupus can go into remission right? I know diabetes 1, not possible (my friend has it, anytime he gets something as much as a cold, he's landed in the ER..ugh!).
Citizen Erased Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 CE, I am curious - does your illness affect your day to day functioning (as in do you need to rest more than an average person) Are you able to work full time? It depends really. I mainly get hit with arthritis, and I've always worked office jobs, so it's been difficult but I've worked full time since I was diagnosed. It flares up and then goes away and I'm completely fine. Sometimes I can barely walk, sit or lay down without intense pain, and then others I'm fine. A little weaker than I used to be, and I try not to stand for long. I can still wear heels and go out and have fun, just not all the time. Also, when I'm taking certain meds I can't drink. So socially, it's a little less exciting. Systemic Lupus is my guess for CE. The OP's question made relapsing/remitting MS come to mind for him/her. Yep, you got it! Oh, I wasn't sure. Lupus can go into remission right? I know diabetes 1, not possible (my friend has it, anytime he gets something as much as a cold, he's landed in the ER..ugh!). Lupus can't be cured, so I doubt anyone goes into remission. My doctors just treat my symptoms. As for making the human race weaker, most people have bad things in their family medical history. Heart disease, stroke, cancer, and in my family it's autoimmune disease. I'm the only one out of my parents, grandparents, cousins and siblings with it so I am not that concerned about passing it along.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 IMO, date and disclose. A compatible person will have the tools and insight to make an healthy decision, given proper information. That summed up what I was trying to get across all neat and tidy like.
Els Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Oh, CE, sorry to hear that, I didn't know. No one would have guessed it - you're incredibly strong and positive and good-spirited, as opposed to many of the posters who are in perfect health but so very, very bitter. I think you're a perfect example of how it is each one of us who decides how good we want our life to be ultimately, not our genes and what we are born with. You're quite the inspiration... attagirl. As for the OP's Q, I would not refuse all offers of relationships that I am interested in just because I feel I should not impose my 'conditions' on a person, that's just taking away their autonomy and making their decisions for them. If they know about me and decide they want to be with me, well, who am I to say no? I do have some chronic conditions, both mental and physical, although I am fortunate in that none are life-threatening or infectious. But having kids.. now, that is another story. I honestly feel that people with strongly genetic, incurably fatal diseases should not reproduce. Those with huntingtons, fatal familial insomnia, etc.. You already know there is a high chance of passing it on to your offspring. Why would you want him or her to live that kind of life?
Symetrical-Siren Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 If it's an STD.....I have seen ads specific to those with Herpes, Warts, and AIDS as well. There are ALL kinds of support groups out there for people with varying ailments. There's always the chance that one patient could possibly meet another single suffering from the same thing, or maybe something different. When 2 people click, and the chemistry is there.....even if they suffer differing ailments, sometimes that may not even get in the way...if they're really into each other. When you're facing your own mortality, support groups are the best apart from close friends and family. There may be counselors within the group that can guide you if you're single and looking also. Don't stay alone. Everyone deserves to be loved.
Author OneFootOut Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) I asked for your thoughts because I have had a few 'mini-strokes'. I have had these intermittently since my 20's, though they were very light back then. More recently, I have had several more severe ones that have affected my vision, some of the nerves in my hands, and my speech. It's not that I sound any different... I just confuse my words, tangle them up, or say things completely different than I had intended. It's like I start to say something and my mind just throws out different words. My neurologists have put me on some preventative meds, but they tell me I am at a 60% higher risk of a full blown stroke, than a 'normal' person. That's a big number. Since I have started tripping over my words, I am embarrassed to have a lengthy phone conversation, and I guess I have become a little quieter in person as well. It makes me feel like people will think I am uneducated or stupid if I get my words tangled up around them. With the increased frequency, and the 'side effects' I have to deal with now, I have been thinking long and hard about taking myself out of the dating scene. Would it be fair to get involved with someone with all this going on? I’m still me, and still smart and loving and creative. I’m just feeling hesitant and unsure about a relationship now. I really don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I have a lot of love and devotion to share with someone, but I worry about them having to deal with my issues as well - everything from possibly embarrassing them to possibly experiencing an even worse condition if a bigger stroke does occur in the future. Thoughts? Edited November 2, 2011 by OneFootOut
zengirl Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I don't think there's anything wrong with someone not feeling like they have it in them to start a relationship with someone who has a much higher chance of major disability or fatality than others. It's a hefty thing. And there have certainly been times in my life, I wouldn't have been willing to bear the weight of that. My BF has lupus as well (never guessed CE had it!). He has some rough days, similar to what you described. His mostly impacts his joints and is reasonably "mild" but one never knows what will happen.For me, knowing what I do about lupus (my college roommate actually had the disease), it wasn't scary when he mentioned it. I'm sad for him when he's in pain, and I worry about the complications, but the risk of immediate and sudden death isn't high. I'm happy to support him, and it wasn't a concern. 60% higher chance of a massive stroke or heart attack? Probably wouldn't get involved with someone with those statistics, I'll be honest. I've lost a fiance before, and I really don't want to do that again (not to illness, and I realize I have no say in whether it happens again), at least not before my golden years. I know I could get through it, but. . . it's terrifying. That said, I don't think it means "stop dating." I think it means disclose. Many may not be okay with that, but some might. And, honestly, I'm perfectly healthy and could die tomorrow, long before you. Nobody really knows. So, while the statistic IS harrowing, it's also potentially misleading, you know? Just some thoughts.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I’m still me, and still smart and loving and creative. I’m just feeling hesitant and unsure about a relationship now. I really don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I have a lot of love and devotion to share with someone, but I worry about them having to deal with my issues as well - everything from possibly embarrassing them to possibly experiencing an even worse condition if a bigger stroke does occur in the future. Thoughts? I think you should risk it OneFootOut. A lot of people spend their whole lives waiting until they get their ducks in a row before they go for something. And sometimes they end up missing out because of that. You just got to be honest about your situation. And have enough confidence in another person to let them make their own choices. It requires you to be a little more vulnerable with people and that's always difficult and it also requires giving up some control to let someone in your life. What you said about having alot of love and devotion to share with someone is really beautiful and is really what love is about. There is no reason why you should ship yourself off to your own island. OneFootOut, can I ask how you new you were having these mini strokes?
Author OneFootOut Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 (edited) I think you should risk it OneFootOut. A lot of people spend their whole lives waiting until they get their ducks in a row before they go for something. And sometimes they end up missing out because of that. You just got to be honest about your situation. And have enough confidence in another person to let them make their own choices. It requires you to be a little more vulnerable with people and that's always difficult and it also requires giving up some control to let someone in your life. What you said about having alot of love and devotion to share with someone is really beautiful and is really what love is about. There is no reason why you should ship yourself off to your own island. OneFootOut, can I ask how you new you were having these mini strokes? Thanks for that, I guess I have been feeling like a wreck lately. I'm honestly quite lonely, but struggling with all of this, among other social and financial stuff. It just makes me feel... (even more) defective, and has me wondering why someone would choose me over someone more healthy and together. Especially after hanging around these forums and seeing how much emphasis seems to be on physical attraction, personal success, etc. No, I'm not whining, it's just how I feel. When I was in my 20's, I would have these episodes where I would rather suddenly get mentally impaired (for lack of a better term). It's as if my mind would blow a fuse. For instance, if I was driving when this happened, I would see a street sign and be unable to read it. I knew I should be able to, but my mind couldn't register the words. I could identify the letters but not make sense of them. A couple times, I had to stop and phone someone for help, because I was so disoriented I had no idea where I was, or which direction to go. It was quite frightening to be in my own town on familiar streets and feel like I had been dropped into a foreign country. As I got older, the effects were a little more extreme. I would not only lose my mental sense, but not be able to communicate during a period of 'mental shut down'. I would be completely aware and 'normal' within my own mind, but I couldn't communicate with anyone what was happening to me. Then I started losing vision as they got even worse. In a strange way, after having these a while and learning how to handle getting through them, I started sort of being an observer on the inside. When I would have the temporary blindness, as scary as it was, it was also fascinating. If you ever wondered about being blind... there is no light, and no darkness. There is just nothingness, as if you never had eyes. It's hard to explain. I would also get the moving numbness in my mouth, face, and limbs. More recently I experienced some temporary paralysis in my left hand. I started seeing a neurologist group in 2008 and had all the MRA MRI and CT scans and all that. That's when I was told these episodes were mini-strokes, which are often a precursor to a more major one down the road. I don't have them as often as I used to, but over the last year or so I have had a few pretty bad ones (more intense and longer lasting than usual) that have left me with the issues I mentioned. Some nerve problems in my hands, my vision is going downhill pretty fast, and I have started tripping over my words. My handwriting is a joke now. I used to enjoy writing, but now I can't even write a note to school for my daughter with any success, so I usually print something out. So far I don't seem to have a problem typing But then again I have the luxury of a backspace and delete key lol. I don't know if these side effects will ever fade, or if they are here to stay. But right now, I just do the best I can with it. On a positive note, I can laugh about some of the crazy things I end up saying. Some days I will get my words messed up and my kids will get a giggle out of it, so I play it off as being silly with them. That just doesn't fly around new people though. Edited November 3, 2011 by OneFootOut
Disenchantedly Yours Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Thanks for that, I guess I have been feeling like a wreck lately. I'm honestly quite lonely, but struggling with all of this, among other social and financial stuff. It just makes me feel... (even more) defective, and has me wondering why someone would choose me over someone more healthy and together. Especially after hanging around these forums and seeing how much emphasis seems to be on physical attraction, personal success, etc. No, I'm not whining, it's just how I feel. Never for a minute did I think you were whining. This board isn't totally based in reality. In the dating forum, you got a lot of single people struggling with their own issues and they bring a lot of their own anger and hurt into it. Then you got the general gender wars that spark a lot of bullcrap. Then you have people who never experienced anything worse then a broken nail so they think two broken nails is the end of the world. They are luckier then they know. Then you got the people that talk about "biology" and how they pick people based on " the most able propagating DNA" to justify whatever behavior they want to justify. Life isn't about DNA purely. Sure, we all like someone attractive but we also look for more. Next time you're with your family, or out and about or with friends, pay attention to the couples. You will probably be surprised by who is matched up with who. There are so many different type of couples out there. And sometimes their partner isn't always the healthest. Sure, some couples have two really good looking healthy looking people but with a lot of people, one couple tends to be more attractive then the other, but that person still loves them. Yes, there are some people that leave when a partner gets ill or doesn't want to get involved with someone at all if they are ill. But there are also people that won't let that hold them back. If I met a really amazing man that I connected with and he had some kind of illness, I know it wouldn't hold me back. Because that connection is hard to find and I've learned that having that person be part of your life, whatever that may bring healthwise, is more important then not having ever tried. Another posters said there are no absolutes. And there are not. My friend's cousin was a very healthy 29 year old man that was in med school when one night he went to sleep and never woke up. It was described as natural causes. You don't know whats going to happen. At some point, you have to trust a person to make a choice for themselves and not automatically make that choice for them because of "what ifs". Thanks for sharing your experience. That is a really tough thing to go through but it sounds like your handling it really well. You sound very down to earth. This might be cliche but did you ever think about looking into talking with people that have had simliar experiences as you regarding the mini strokes? It might be a good place to start in getting some confidence back for the dating world. On a positive note, I can laugh about some of the crazy things I end up saying. Some days I will get my words messed up and my kids will get a giggle out of it, so I play it off as being silly with them. That just doesn't fly around new people though. Well being able to laugh at yourself is always good. I haven't had a mini stroke but sometimes I say funny things myself!
Star Gazer Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I asked for your thoughts because I have had a few 'mini-strokes'. I have had these intermittently since my 20's, though they were very light back then. More recently, I have had several more severe ones that have affected my vision, some of the nerves in my hands, and my speech. It's not that I sound any different... I just confuse my words, tangle them up, or say things completely different than I had intended. It's like I start to say something and my mind just throws out different words. My neurologists have put me on some preventative meds, but they tell me I am at a 60% higher risk of a full blown stroke, than a 'normal' person. That's a big number. Since I have started tripping over my words, I am embarrassed to have a lengthy phone conversation, and I guess I have become a little quieter in person as well. It makes me feel like people will think I am uneducated or stupid if I get my words tangled up around them. With the increased frequency, and the 'side effects' I have to deal with now, I have been thinking long and hard about taking myself out of the dating scene. Would it be fair to get involved with someone with all this going on? I’m still me, and still smart and loving and creative. I’m just feeling hesitant and unsure about a relationship now. I really don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I have a lot of love and devotion to share with someone, but I worry about them having to deal with my issues as well - everything from possibly embarrassing them to possibly experiencing an even worse condition if a bigger stroke does occur in the future. Thoughts? I've been thinking a lot about this thread since you started it, unable to frame a response without more information, because for me it does really depend on what the medical problem is and, honestly, whether it's...contagious. What you've described wouldn't deter me at all. As someone here recently said, we're all one step closer to the grave, every single day. What you experience could happen to any one of us, any day. So no... I don't think you should take yourself out of the dating scene. At all.
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