grilled cheese Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 my boyfriend and i were in a 4 years relationship, it was a long distance one all the time, since the very beginning of it, we saw each other every couple of months, we loved each other dearly, although his parents didn't accept me and didn't want him to marry me, we broke-up for this matter millions of time, but we always found our way back together. 3 months ago, we were finally living at the same country together, but when this happened, his 17 year old sister died in front of his eyes, his whole life went upside down and asked for a break, i gave him a break then after a month he comes back saying he needs me, i accepted. we were perfect, we even had the approval of his parents, we were thrilled and thinking of the future, then suddenly, he calls me and say, i don't feel like i love you anymore, i had a very rough year and its partially why i feel this way, what i went through killed me from inside, don't love you anymore, and if i keep trying to it will hurt me, i don't want to try to love you anymore, i miss you all the time, think about you all the time, but i don't have the same feelings as i did to you before, u can feel that i don't love you like before so help me get closure, for now i wont be with someone i cant love, i don't want to delete you from anywhere and act stupid we are grownups and i don't hate you. so until everything clears up i hope we stay friends... i tried to tell him that what he feel is normal, and we might have grown apart a little and that we can work it out, he said that all this time for the past 3 months he had doubts but didn't know how to face me with them, but now he thinks that he did the right thing.. i told him that i love him even more than i did before, he simply said but i don't, and for now i need some space to clear my mind.. i backed up and said that i will do anything to see him happy even if being away from me will make him happy,,, he just answered thank you for being a grownup about this.... i still have him on my BBM but i don't talk to him, i act as if he is not there, i love him so much i cant imagine spending my life with someone other than him.. i know he went through hell this year and i know that we grew apart, but that doesn't mean he don't love me, how can i convince him that what he feel is normal, and its fixable without sounding pushy and desperate, i really want him back, and i want to drag his attention one more time.. i just don't know how to do it
geegirl Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I believe he has told you 20 different ways that he does not feel the same way anymore. You can't force someone to love you back. You have to let go. And you certainly can't be friends. And don't place your views of what he should feel on him. You may see things as fixable, he may not because of what he feels. His feelings are not yours, or vice versa. Listen to what he is saying and shut the door. If there is even a slightest chance of him rethinking, it is when you disappear. Let him wonder about you. Give him something to think about. If he comes back, you can both decide. If not, you will be well on your way to healing and recovering.
honeydrip Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I would think the best thing you can do right now is just be there for him as a friend like he has asked. He must be confused with all types of emotions right now especially with his sister dying in front of him. Just let him know that you still care about him and won't give up on him as a friend and if he needs you, you will be right there. I think as far as a relationship right now he probably can't deal with one at this moment. I'd say just go with the flow and help him as best through his ordeal. Best of luck to you:) my boyfriend and i were in a 4 years relationship, it was a long distance one all the time, since the very beginning of it, we saw each other every couple of months, we loved each other dearly, although his parents didn't accept me and didn't want him to marry me, we broke-up for this matter millions of time, but we always found our way back together. 3 months ago, we were finally living at the same country together, but when this happened, his 17 year old sister died in front of his eyes, his whole life went upside down and asked for a break, i gave him a break then after a month he comes back saying he needs me, i accepted. we were perfect, we even had the approval of his parents, we were thrilled and thinking of the future, then suddenly, he calls me and say, i don't feel like i love you anymore, i had a very rough year and its partially why i feel this way, what i went through killed me from inside, don't love you anymore, and if i keep trying to it will hurt me, i don't want to try to love you anymore, i miss you all the time, think about you all the time, but i don't have the same feelings as i did to you before, u can feel that i don't love you like before so help me get closure, for now i wont be with someone i cant love, i don't want to delete you from anywhere and act stupid we are grownups and i don't hate you. so until everything clears up i hope we stay friends... i tried to tell him that what he feel is normal, and we might have grown apart a little and that we can work it out, he said that all this time for the past 3 months he had doubts but didn't know how to face me with them, but now he thinks that he did the right thing.. i told him that i love him even more than i did before, he simply said but i don't, and for now i need some space to clear my mind.. i backed up and said that i will do anything to see him happy even if being away from me will make him happy,,, he just answered thank you for being a grownup about this.... i still have him on my BBM but i don't talk to him, i act as if he is not there, i love him so much i cant imagine spending my life with someone other than him.. i know he went through hell this year and i know that we grew apart, but that doesn't mean he don't love me, how can i convince him that what he feel is normal, and its fixable without sounding pushy and desperate, i really want him back, and i want to drag his attention one more time.. i just don't know how to do it
Author grilled cheese Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 i'm too torn in between keeping ignoring him or be friendly with him,, both ways have benefits and bad sides,, if i kept ignoring him he might lose any slightest interest in me, and eventually forget all about me. and if i kept talking to him he might think i'm desperate and childish and cant handle breakups also think that he have done a good job in breaking up with me. i also cant help but thinking that he really don't know what to feel especially with all this drama going on in his life. also he is taking anti-depressants. which they numb feelings and all. i had to contact him 3 days ago, i was direct to the point, only said what i was to deliver, didn't express any feelings,,, he kept asking how im doing, and when i ignored him he said that he knows that what happened between us was the last think i expected, and he too didn't expected and he is so sorry for that. i only said i was doing good, and wished him a good day. he said thanks, and good to hear im doing fine.. since then,,NOTHING its killing me inside. i don't know what to think.
Deano8888 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 hmmm that's a tough one and quite unique. Well firstly as mentioned above you can't force someone to love you, I know that from personal experience. i think you may be right about giving him space and seeing if he misses you, that has worked for me in the past. Also remember a relationship isn't just about what the other half wants and making them happy, it's also about you and your needs, it's a two way deal!!! Think about it how has he made you happy over the last year, what has he put into you (no pun intended) and what effort has he put in to your happiness? I know he's been through a horrible time, but that doesn't mean he can treat you however he likes and pick you up and drop you when on his terms! If I was you I would stop focusing on him and his needs and think about yourself!
Author grilled cheese Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 thank you guys.. we actually do live near each other now.. just 10 minutes away from each other.. i guess the best to do now is give him his space.. this worked for us before and i hope it does this time.. although he seem too determined about the breakup. im just afraid of cutting myself of his life completely,, i need what reminds him of why he loved me in the first place, and ignite his feelings one more time without being too forward about it!!
geegirl Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 If you are significant in his life, you won't need to remind him of what he feels for you. He will realize his feelings and come to you. If you have to remind, you gave your answer.
mike588 Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 I believe he has told you 20 different ways that he does not feel the same way anymore. You can't force someone to love you back. You have to let go. And you certainly can't be friends. And don't place your views of what he should feel on him. You may see things as fixable, he may not because of what he feels. His feelings are not yours, or vice versa. Listen to what he is saying and shut the door. If there is even a slightest chance of him rethinking, it is when you disappear. Let him wonder about you. Give him something to think about. If he comes back, you can both decide. If not, you will be well on your way to healing and recovering. 110% AGREE!! Listen to her and follow her advise!!
ChelseaLS Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I personally am tired of people who say they don't feel as deeply in love with someone as when they first met them. Lots of times they confuse it as not being in love. Of course over the period of time, things change, get comfortable, even stale... but that doesn't mean the love is gone, it's different. You ask any elderly people who have been happily married for a billion years and they'll tell you the love they felt at the begining and the love they feel now are different... but they are still in love. The passion may not burn like a raging fire anymore, but that normal. Give the man space. He needs to work through his issues, with loosing his sister and of course his relationship issues. I am not say he will come back, but sometimes a good and clean time apart can do a world of wonders. In the meantime, you need to work on you and becoming strong and confident that ya, if it doesn't work out, you WILL be okay. I love my ex dearly and I can't imagin being with anyone but him. You could show me the best looking guy and I'd be like "meh". I get it. But I know I have to be strong enough to move on. I was making it on my own without him before we met, and I can do it again. Sure it will be hard, but it can be done.
Rorschach64 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Once again Chelsea has it pretty much right. Once your ex finally gets his head right he should realize that relationships are what Chelsea just described and if not then well...gotta move on unfortunately.
LovelyDaze Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 If you are significant in his life, you won't need to remind him of what he feels for you. He will realize his feelings and come to you. If you have to remind, you gave your answer. This is so dead on. Right now, your ex is going through a plethora of different emotions at the moment. Take care of you right now and let your ex take care of himself. You can't make anyone feel anything you want them to feel by reminding them of the good times, being extra cute, helping them with a problem or even saving them from a speeding car in the street! Emotions are the one thing that belongs to the individual and only to the individual. What you can prove is that you have self worth and respect for yourself by moving on with your life. If your ex works out his issues and honestly wants to make a healthy go of you two again, you will know. Perhaps you will want him back or not. In any case, it is important for you not to revolve your life around trying to get your ex back. Any tactics will backfire.
Rorschach64 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Only tactic you should do is the are the ones where you work on yourself, bow out of your ex's life, no revenge, and if necessary, I personally found this theraputic, write a letter to your ex about wishing them the best, no hard feelings, and you get it (reasons for break up). Bowing out and working on yourself are the most important obviously.
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