LoveandSuch Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Okay I wrote how I have been in turmoil and depression after years of emotional abuse and kept mostly to myself and did not jump the gun and use relationships and men as a solution to my happiness. I was a few days ago happy to have taken a step. BUT, I believe I get numb and block my true feeling out as a protective mechanism. I feel solid in that I did not sleep with the guy, but after experiencing an evening with a man I would put in the category of the crazed like mood escalation similar but not AS bad as Charlie Sheen, it has left me feeling hopeless in a weird way. This guy pursued me heavily, and lied about his family, saying they were done, hated one another, he was free. (All lies, and he has been caught and told on for many years, I found out later:( I am not speaking of a highly sexual person, or one that enjoys slightly kinked or gets into kinky fun activities after emotionally or bonding with someone after awhile. A build up of sorts. I know there are player, jerks, womanizers, etc, these guys are not what I am speaking of. Has anyone else eperienced a bizzarre date with someone and wants to share that might make me feel better, having someone else experienced a wierd situation. After he started to I read an article of sex addicts, and he fit most of the characteristics. I will post part of the article, I endured a whirlwind and witnessed most of these in a dizzy fashion throughout the evening: Common Traits of Sex Addicts Sex Addicts have eerily similar personality traits and childhood experiences that leave no doubt that the two are correlated. Almost every woman I have talked with describes conversations and behaviors that sound as if she were talking about my husband, rather than hers. Here are a few of the most common personality traits of Sex Addicts. Emotionally immature Lack empathy Engage in compulsive lying Lead double lives Lack coping skills Unable to form intimate bonds Use sex to medicate their emotional pain Feel overwhelming shame and guilt Lack trust Socially isolated Lack self esteem Engage in ‘Black and White’ thinking Live in denial Feel out of control Harbor anger Here are some traits that identify someone with a Sexual Addiction: 1. Behaviors associated with sexual addiction include multiple partners, multiple affairs, and unsafe sex. 2. The term sex addiction describes the behavior of someone who has an unusually strong sex drive or sexual obsession. 3. Most sex addicts live in denial of their addiction, and the associated risks and consequences. 4. Sex addiction is defined by an addict’s compulsive use of sex to address non-sexual emotional needs. That compulsive behavior completely dominates the addict’s life. 5. Sex addicts turn to sex when they need comfort, like binge eaters turn to food. 6. Sex addicts may engage in exhibitionism, voyeurism, prostitution, compulsive masturbation, or cybersex. 7. A sex addict has an uncontrollable urge to have sex with many different partners. 8. A sex addict may withdraw or become frustrated over his inability to cut back or stop engaging in his addictive behavior. 9. Like other addicts, a sex addict becomes preoccupied with a behavior that is used to numb his or her feelings. 10. A sex addict lacks normal coping mechanisms and uses sex as a way to self-medicate every feeling. 11. Sex and thoughts of sex dominate a sex addict’s thinking, making it difficult to work or engage in healthy personal relationships. 12. Some sex addicts are known to be shameful, suicidal, and prone to other addictions, as well. 13. A sex addict, like all addicts, continues such behaviors despite decreased pleasure and the negative and serious consequences they bring. 14. People with a sex addiction often have a history of emotional and sexual abuse. 15. Most sex addicts have an intense preoccupation with sexual urges, fantasies and behaviors. 16. Sex addiction is characterized by the addict’s lying or minimizing his involvement with sexual activities. 17. Someone who is addicted to sex will use sexual activities to escape from their problems. 18. A sex addict will often waste time or neglect other responsibilities because of his sexual preoccupation. 19. The majority of people who struggle with sex addiction are men, and their sex addiction becomes the most important need in their lives. 20. Like an alcoholic unable to stop drinking, sexual addicts are unable to stop their self-destructive sexual behavior. 21. Sex addiction is almost always about a secret life. The addict displays increasingly secretive behavior and deception. 22. A sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest. 23. Sexual addiction is often accompanied by other addictions, such as an addiction to work or chemicals. Okay, after he started doing some very upfront out there self sex stuff.like he would go into these trances when anything intimacy/sex was an issue. I told him Whoa, sit down, I think you picked the wrong chick for this! I was extremely frank. He sat, and we spoke, and he was shifting emotions, flighty very similar to if someone has experienced someone in the manic phase of bipolar. He made the comment that I was analyzing him much like a therapist. I asked why he picked me to pursue, and he said when he saw me, he just felt the attraction, I was the prettiest, so he was heavily drawn to pursue. Well, this may have been flattering had it been a sane person! I was thinking this is a situation of you are not what you attract. God, help me! I was trying to make this situation as best as possible because I have to have social and work situations with the guy. Well, he would shift back into sexual sense, asking outrageous questions, and innuendos. I was perplexed of the behavoir. I believe I hurt his feelings, (he allowed me to witness episodes of low self esteem issues, and self doubt, in quite astonishing ways). He said you do not like me do you, and I said we were from two different apples, and it was okay because there are a million men out there, and left it at no big deal. He seemed hurt. But i was being real and very matter of fact. He asked about previous relationships and seemed to jealous by remarks he made. When discussing these things he would jump in fornt of a mirror, running his hair through his hair, asking if he should wear his hair different...etc. I was thinking, hmmm, maybe a lobotomy would help. So here is this guy, most highly educated in his field, had everything, good looks, prominent, all....and he was such a.....fill in the blank. Well, he went on to say he did lie, he was still in an intact relationship, he could not lose his children, family, life, and had been caught many times, and even had occurences where women called and told on him to his SO! I was in shock at this point. He was shifting crazily back and forth from shame, guilt, and remorse. He then went on and on about how he felt bad because I deserved so much better, that I was highly intelligent, so attractive, and needed someone who was basically in words light years better than him, but then he would go right back into sex type topics. I did not want to give too much info, but throughout our time together, he went into trance, escalated type behavoirs toward sex, asking me questions about sex, that even when I was answering in an dry sense of humor, he would take it as a yes, and he got like crazy about the idea of a mfm situation and he was going to find someone like now!!! Okay before anyone says this is normal type stuff, I will say one incident that will sort of explain WHY I say this was not a normal situation was I was sitting, sipping my wine, and turned my face, and the guy had his pants down, like going at it masturbating himself at face level to me and was like crazed jack rabbit!!!!!! That was when I told him whoa buddy!!! And then after all this crazy stuff, the evening, us having a talk that seemed to go well about his problems, he asked if I was willing to be put on a schedule of sorts and might consider seeing him once a week for a year, (but there could be no emotions involved, no phone calls, no texts)and he was like computing the time and days to equal a certain amount of time. Um, like No!!!! I know this long, but I am left now with my own feeling of doubt, shame, and more depressed. I feel sooooo yucky!!! The problem I now face is I ended any further contact through an extremely nice email, told him we were on different paths, nothing against him, that the schedule thing, is not something I would EVER consider. I would say nothing, i have no need to cause hurt to another human or their lives. That I wish the best and hope he will remain silent about me...everything. I was being really nice, but I now think from the severe ways he was feeling shame, doubt, disturbance, he is probably going to take my break, as rejection. I did give him advice that he needs tobe careful with his behavoir, not everyone is as forgiving or able to tolerate and just break from such behavoir, and will have little care if they spread rumors, and hurt his reputation and life. Well the guy, even after I sent and was willing to put all this behind kindly, has not even had the guts and dignity to reply thoughtfully, but rather I assume is in a spin of self denial, shame, guilt, and the lack of consideration of an last apology or thanks has left me not knowing HOW to feel. I do not know if I feel Shame, Anger,....I am so confused and feel really bad. I worry that with his history, his behavoir seeming uncontrollable when it comes to sex, he may open his mouth about me to someone in the moment.....like maybe I can get this other chick....or make up some fantasy stories! I do not know if he is angry because of the heavy pursuit and I did not have sex with him. What I do know is the area is not a big city in which he is used to and if he cannot check and control this behavoir, he will not only get caught, but will find himself in some serious consequences....sexual harrassment etc. I just know he better never speak of me, nor involve me in his issues again. Has anyone dealt with a wierd situationm an uncomfortable situation like this????? My other worry is I read articles that explained that if these individuals are not in the act of getting help, or acknowledging they have a problem, that they will shift blame to the other individual in all incredulous manner, and use outrageous thought processes making me uneasy somewhat, not knowing what the guy is thinking because he will not acknowledge a kind wish for closure and an understanding. I believe if what I read is correct he may just go on to his next obsession, and pursuit, timing depends on the specific addict, and find it sad that because of his status, money, good looks, he will find a girl willing to put her self value on the back burner, and seek this for self validation because of her own issues. I cannot belive he had women tell on him and still has not learned a lesson.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Your post was too much a "wall of text" for me to read, but I do have one thing to say anyway. You are spending way, way too much energy on a person you had ONE DATE with. Yes, it is alarming to be on a date with a whacko. Also, you might want to use this as a litmus test for your people picker. If you ARE on a date with someone who says or does things that make you feel uncomfortable, LEAVE RIGHT THEN. Who cares about your work and social connections. Take care of yourself. And try to remember the signals you got so you don't go out with anyone like this again. Now, move on.
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