new0726 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Yesterday was our first anniversary. We've been living about 2 hours apart for the last two months because she lost her job here where I lived and moved back to where her family is. Our whole relationship there has, as I'm sure many people can relate on these boards, been that one person that just kept screwing things up for us. He was always trying to break us up, and there were always signs in our relationship that she may have been seeing him on the side. I'm not even sure what I'm asking here, maybe just ranting... I don't use Facebook, but I have a de-activated account and logged onto it this morning to make sure today was one of my friends birthday's. When I went to type my friends name in the search bar, my SO's name popped up, which was strange because she never had an account before. So I couldn't resist - I clicked it. She had recently created it in the last few days and she had posted pictures of her two girls, and then some of this guy and herself. So of course I'm furious. But I'm not surprised, if that makes sense. I mean I should of seen it this whole time. But I am so angry because she's basically just been using me forever now. Since she's left I've been sending her money so she can pay her bills and stuff while she looks for a job. I just feel so betrayed... Who does that to someone else? Just uses them like that. Tells them what they want to hear and still seem so sincere about it. That's terrible. And it makes me more angry to even think about it. I don't even know what to say to her when I talk to her today. I mean, of course it's going to be over. But do I voice all of my anger or just let it be over and move on? I've never been with someone who's this manipulative or vindictive. I feel like the last year of my life has been a complete lie... What do you guys think?
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Sorry for your situation dude. Bummer. Just let it be over and move on. Tell her you know what she's been up to and you're not prepared to accept it. Goodbye and good luck. Do not let her excuse herself or talk BS because you know she is just going to lie, lie, lie. Then leave and go NC.
Author new0726 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 I appreciate the response man. And i know you're right, but I just feel like there is so much I need to say. And the leaving and being NC won't be a big deal. I haven't seen her in months and our daily talking has dwindled to maybe 2 or 3 text messages a day. Again, thanks for the support.
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 What do you want to say and what do you think it will achieve? Most likely she will lie, disagree and contest everything you say. You think it will make you feel better to get these things off your chest but in reality the opposite is true. She will twist it all around to make it seem like your fault and you will feel really bad. Even if you don't believe what she says you will feel bad because you can't make her understand. If you have things to say then talk to your real friends and family, or hit the gym and punch a bag, or vent on here. There is very rarely any closure to be had from an ex.
Author new0726 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 You're right. It just seems like a good idea, ya know? Guess I'll wait and see if she responds to what I said earlier. If not, then I guess that's it. I don't want to drag it out and make it some big deal...I knew we were breaking up when she moved back home, but didn't think it was gonna be like this.
Author new0726 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Well, she did text me this morning. And she started out with, I am NOT with him whatsoever. We just took his boys and the girls to a pumpkin patch together. And I told her how I was called for an interview where she lives now and she told me to come move in with her and take the job....wtf..
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Yeah like I said, lie lie lie, blah blah. Just tell her it's over and you want nothing more to do with her. Then delete everything she sends without replying.
gaius Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 And I told her how I was called for an interview where she lives now and she told me to come move in with her and take the job....wtf.. You could babysit for his kids while she goes over and blows him! Still haven't learned your lesson I guess since you're still talking to her. No wonder she doesn't respect you.
betterdeal Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 You live two hours apart and barely speak to one another, just the odd text every so often? That sounds to me like a not-relationship. How about (a) change your phone number (b) get a haircut © get some new duds (d) go out and pull and (e) have fun et voila! it's a new you!
shayla Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 It is best to avoid manipulation, not deal with it at all. If that is impossible, recognize it for what it is and act accordingly. This woman is playing games with you and in a relationship with someone else. I'd tell that broad to kick rocks and never speak to her again. But that's just me.
wilsonx Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 If you "FEEL" like the last year of your life has been a lie, guess what, it has been. To answer your question on how to deal with manipulation. Just walk away. If she says something to you, just ignore it and worry about your own life. You are at the point now where you know you are being lied to and manipulated, so guess what, if you keep in communication with her and listening to what she's telling you, you have nobody to blame but yourself. Walk away. My favorite term in dealing with manipulative people is called gaslighting. Everytime you feel that they are lying to you but you do not want to believe you, they are gaslighting you. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
betterdeal Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Whatever you call it, and whether or not it's deceit by misrepresenting facts, lies by omission, sugar coating, implying something untrue, plain old lying, or in other words, attempting to make the recipient believe something the giver does not themselves believe, it is thoroughly unpleasant and, in my opinion, quite tedious above all else. Now why would anyone want to continue to do something that is unpleasant - such as be on the receiving end of these attempts to hoodwink, bamboozle, mislead, them? Well, for one, it can be quite revealing when you realise they're liars to listen to what they say thereon. You can see what they look like when being honest and when they're being dishonest. You can get a feel for what's sincere and what's insincere, and recall the times when your intuition told you one thing and your consciousness told you something else. In this way, you can get to know yourself better, so there is something solidly useful to be gained from continued engagement. Whether or not you choose to do so, whether or not you feel it is in your best interests, is entirely up to you. But when you're going through Hell, keep going.
betterdeal Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Good for you, sir. The less invested you are in the other person, the more you can see what's poppycock and what isn't. And if you can do that with your own behaviour too, so much the better. To thine ownself be true.
Sugarkane Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I have also been on the receiving end of gaslighting and complete lies. I just cut the person right off. Felt good.
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