smudge21 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 There's a lot of threads on here which all ask the general same question: should I send my ex (the dumper) a birthday text/card/message? Now as this question is very soon to impact myself, I was just wondering what the overall majority response is on this one. Not just a straight yes or no, but with some detail or background. My take on it has always been it depends on many factors, such as how bad the break up was and whether there's still contact between the two (such as work/college). For example, you get cheated on and therefore it's over. In that situation, I'd say definitely not. You owe the ex nothing and they're not deserving of your attention, as hard as that often is. However, if the break up was mutual or down to other reasons, such as distance, and you're doing NC to simply heal, then being polite and wishing them well surely is okay. In fact, ignoring their birthday (especially when you've dated for a long time) comes off as quite immature. In regards to when you have to see still your ex or you have mutual friends, I also think that totally ignoring them at these times seems a bit pathetic. I mean, everyone knows it's their birthday, you know it's their birthday, so what harm is done in simply wishing them a good one? I'm keeping this as open as possible and would appreciate some examples of how it has or hasn't worked out, how people have felt afterwards, whether there's been contact and has it caused any more problems whether you made contact or not. It's a question many of us ask, but not just for birthdays but other dates too, such as Xmas. As for me... I'm still undecided. The split was mutual and there's never been any anger or hatred between us, but I am NC on her (just with the occasional stops when she's got in touch with the odd breadcrumb).
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Mutual or not, the relationship is over. It becomes a chapter of your life and you put it behind you. You are in NC so I suggest you remain NC until you are fully healed, after that you may wish your ex a happy birthday, christmas, easter... whatever. BUT until then it will only interfere with your healing. Personally I see no point in having any contact with an ex, after all, they are your ex for a reason. Whether that reason is they were not good enough for you or you good enough for them, that mere fact justifies excluding them from your life completely. You asked for an example and this is what I have: My ex dumped me about a month before her birthday (saved me a lot of money on getting her a flat screen tv ) and I sent her a happy birthday email. I got no reply.... My birthday was about 1.5 months ago and I never heard a peep from her. I'm thankful that I didn't hear from her to be quite honest because I'm sure it would have brought back the feelings of hurt. Do what you will but that's my opinion on it.
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Why in the name of all that is holy would you even consider sending her a birthday message? Do you send birthday messages to perfect strangers that you meet on the street? If not then why would you send one to an EX who is not a "friend"? You're in NC FFS. Stop looking for pathetic excuses to break it. Be honest with yourself, are you really doing it to be "polite" or are you doing it to get a "thanks" message back from her? I said BE HONEST.
broken-and-lost Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 That's a tough one buddy, my ex is coming up in November, i know she is seeing someone else break up was a bad one and she has been totally ignoring me since Aug. i still intend on sending her a card just because it's who i am, I still care for the girl despite everything that has happened and i do not expect a reply. Like you said it depends on your situation and how you feel about that person, i guess honestly if you had no feeling for them you wouldn't send anything. I think what you need to decide is will it effect you by doing so if the answer is YES then do not send it
Author smudge21 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Well three different replies and I find myself agreeing with all three... I reckon if I did send something, it would be polite and I wouldn't expect any response (but I'd probably get one due to the fact she has made contact in the past few months). Oddly, my thinking on NOT sending anything would get more of a reaction from her, which would turn into more contact (which is not what I want, if I'm honest - I don't want breadcrumbs). So with that thinking, sending something would be seen by her as being polite and simply. It would be nice but not mean anything or have any affect. Not sending anything could create more problems in my situation.
broken-and-lost Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 send it you will look like the bigger person and also give the impression of indifference as not sending it to me says much more like i'm still hurting. Just keep it simple happy birthday best wishes no love or any crap like that
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I wouldn't expect any response (but I'd probably get one Uh. Dude. You just contradicted yourself there. I didn't say "expect". I said are you doing it to get a response? Not EXPECT but WANT. Quite clearly you DO want a positive response. Oddly, my thinking on NOT sending anything would get more of a reaction from her, which would turn into more contact (which is not what I want, if I'm honest - I don't want breadcrumbs). You don't quite understand this NC thing do you? Clue's in the name. NO CONTACT. If you want breadcrumbs then go ahead and send the card because breadcrumbs is all you'll get AT BEST. So with that thinking, sending something would be seen by her as being polite and simply. It would be nice but not mean anything or have any affect. Not sending anything could create more problems in my situation. Dude, that is a load of BS. Sending a card would be seen by her as "oh he still cares, excellent I have a backup plan". What problems could it possibly create by not sending anything? She's going to hate you? Who gives a flying crap, she is your EX. Believe me dude, sending a card will cause more problems for YOU than not doing so.
Author smudge21 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Sorry Broken and Lost, but I find myself agreeing more with PegNosePete (it's always good when someone gets inbetween what you say), but I'd like to hear Pete's views on what Broken does say with: "give the impression of indifference as not sending it to me says much more like i'm still hurting" which to me does make sense. I guess the only negative I see about it though is that it implies we still care what our exs think and by sending something, we're sitting there pondering their reaction - which in turn affects the healing process.
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 "give the impression of indifference as not sending it to me says much more like i'm still hurting" I don't understand this at all. Surely not sending anything gives the impression of indifference. If you are indifferent then why would you send something? If you are indifferent then it's just like any other day of the year and she is like any other stranger on the street. Do you send strangers birthday cards? NO. If you send something then it gives the impression that you still care. Which is NOT indifference. And anyway who gives 2 short ships whether your ex thinks you are indifferent, or "polite", or a total twat, or the king of the world? What YOU think is what matters. we're sitting there pondering their reaction - which in turn affects the healing process. Exactly.
Author smudge21 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Can't fault that response Pete... thanks.
M2155 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 (edited) Well at the end of the day it really doesn't matter how it makes you look. I didn't send my ex a birthday wish and he did not come back to me and say "hey you forgot my birthday" or "you must be hurt or immature." He has moved on and probably didn't even notice. If he did, I could tell him I didn't want to interfere with his moving on/new life. We're the ones sitting here wondering if we should contact them or if they'll say happy birthday to us and waste so much time obsessing over two words (I'm equally guilty;)). Bottom line, if the person is in the past, it should not matter what we do or not do. Yes I do send happy birthdays on Facebook to people I never talk to but we know we're more vested in any communication with our ex. I wouldn't send it because if we are putting this much thought into the decision, then we want a reaction deep down regardless if we admit it and even though the reaction would probably set us back. If she notices or ever mentions it, then you have the op to be the bigger person and say why you didn't. And if not, it won't matter. Edited October 27, 2011 by M2155
shayla Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I don't care what my ex thinks of me. don't care if he thinks I'm this or that. He left me and married another woman 2 months later. It's pretty obvious what he thought of me to do that. When my father died 3 months later, he sent me a virus email. So my answer to the question of sending him happy birthday greetings is hell to the no dot commmm.
radiodarcy Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Smudge, it seems to me as though you are trying to justify an action that you know deep down is a bad idea. it may be her birthday but this is about you and your healing i agree with Pete and M1255, if you are putting this much contemplation over whether or not to send her a birthday message then you are anything but indifferent towards her and following through and sending her such a message will only reinforce that notion. in the end you know what's best for you. correct me if i'm wrong, but didn't you stumble upon her facebook back a few weeks back? remember how terrible you felt? how is sending her a birthday message going to make you feel any better? as for my personal experience with this issue: the ex forgot my birthday not once but twice - - and this was while we were supposedly friends. needless to say, when his birthday came along in july, i didn't bother to acknowledge it.
Author smudge21 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 I believe I was heading towards not sending anything, but after some recent contact which was okay, just friendly, I was a little confused (hey, who isn't in this situation) and just needed that friendly shove in the right direction... which is what I've got. I also thought it was a chance to get one thread with a few thoughts on the subject as it seems we get one a week asking about birthdays and other important dates. Many thanks to all... as always.
mike588 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 My ex. dumped me 3 months ago and three weeks ago was her birthday, I soooo badly wanted to send her a simple "Happy Birthday" email nothing else and it took everything I had not to send it. With alot of help from some wonderful people I didn't and realise it would of sent the wrong message,,, I'm missing you,,, I'm thinking of you and would of make me look weak. I got dumped and owe her nothing!!!!!!!!
sleepykitten Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Hi Smudge! Hmm I personally wouldnt send one, or text-or facebook! x
Author smudge21 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Already there Kitty... thanks.
broken-and-lost Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Well looks like you got your answer m8, not to send it. I'm still going to send mine regardless, every situation is different i guess.
RiverRunning Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I always go no-contact with exes. So they get nothin' from me.
fenderjames Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Hi Smudge . I thought I would comment as I went thru this in early October . It was her birthday and I pondered over sending her a card . I didnt do it . I decided I was only thinking of sending a card was to illicit a response - get her to contact me . Inside I hoped it wasn't a happy birthday at all . So I can only say if you're sending one for that reason , maybe don't because if you don't hear from her it may hurt you more .
Author smudge21 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Well didn't make contact at all. Felt fine about it as was fairly busy over the weekend, but last night felt a bit down. Not due to not texting her, but for some reason, just had a moment of pondering the past and missing her... still feel a bit down this morning too. Not going to break NC, got nothing to say to her, but just have these feelings of wanting her back - and haven't felt like that for some time. I know that because she's changed so much since I knew her there's no chance of us getting back together, but I guess I still have feelings of wanting who she was, not who she's become. I'm sure these feelings will pass, but just wanted to say thanks for the advice previously.
PlumPrincess Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I think you shouldn't treat her differently to your other (not-so-close-)friends. If they don't get cards, neither should she. She is not the special person in your life anymore and should not get special treatment. I find that to be a pretty neutral approach.
yzyzyz325 Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 please c my thread here, you may find sth interesting http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t304504/ in my point of view, if it's for her, then u shud wish her happy bday. I mean it's always good to know someone cares abt u and doesnt push u. However, if it's for you, then plz dont send it. C my thread, I would say the response from my ex was not bad, at least i knew she actually checked my facebook, but it's still killing me because it just put everthing back into my head and made me miserable. Moreover, believe me, no matter how good the response is, you will always expect more, and you will put every single word under microscope. That wont make you feel good
ChelseaLS Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 I'd send my ex one.. Just due to everything that went down and how it happened. It wasn't messy and it's not like I don't care for him all of a sudden. Plus I think he's a great guy and I am happy he was born and that I met him.
yzyzyz325 Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 I'd send my ex one.. Just due to everything that went down and how it happened. It wasn't messy and it's not like I don't care for him all of a sudden. Plus I think he's a great guy and I am happy he was born and that I met him. Hi Chelsea, may i know ur story? who broke up with who?
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