Lonely_High Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 My story: I got married second time (arranged marriage-i am an Indian). I am 39 years old and my wife is 24 years old. Its been 2 years since we got married. In the beginning all was like middle scenes of the movie'Titatnic' . I am actually born and lived in Dubai all my wife. And my wife is from india. After 4-5 months since i live n joint family she started complaining about my mom, dad and me. She constantly needs some excitement and fun like going out for dinner, watching a movie, buying some expensive clothes, going to malls, spending my money on things she aleady have... and although she is getting all needs met up with still she is whining and complaining about many things. If I or if any of us do not heed to her childish needs then she will threaten us that she will packup her bags and got her parents house. She has done this about 5-6 times...and all the times her parents tell her not to come back to mumbai(india)...( her parents know her nature..) I am into security frameworks(ethical hacker) and most of times the workload is too much. I come home late at night and then she suspects me of having sex with my secretary in office. When we have dinner in restaurant she wants me to only look at her face and no one else. She is not that beautiful and never even tries to look like one but as well she doesnot want me to look at any atrractive women. Since i have lived all my life in Dubai i have lots of freinds( females) who i meet during some ceremonies/gathering where i talk to them. And then in night my wife wil argue and fight me and say some vulgar things about them or like" You should have married her!!" And then there are some things which i get pissed because of her habits like , She never takes shower before sex, she never likes to apply some deodarant/perfumes, she is very lazy to shave her legs or use hair-remover, she is fond of always watching this filthy TV soap operas, she watches sometimes 2 movies non-stop(DVDs) if she cannot sleep, she keeps the bathroom unclean, ... My drawbacks/faults are ,i am too ambitious, i am workoholic, i sometimes lose interest in my wife for sex because she doesnt attract or even try to attract me or look beautiful, i sometimes lose my temper because she acts too childish, too much involved in watching movies, like which actress got married? Which actor got divorces? Who got twins in hollywood/bollywood....and this kindof talk bored me to death... Somedays she acts very nice. cooks tasty meals, cleans the room, and massages me when i return back from hard day in the office. But most of the times its not like this. And i got really pissed and frustrated because she nevery likes to take any advise. i told her that we should plan to have a child now and enough of sex,sex, and all....but she doesn't give a s**t about it. And one fine morning she herself decided that wanted to go to India for her brother's engagement. So I supplied air-tickets and dropped her off to the airport. I came home and i was so much at peace. I thought let her relax there with her parents for some while... and maybe she will get better. Now while she left to India , I got a contract H1B Visa to work here in USA for security frameworks for lead company.now its 6 months i am here. And she wants to join me here with me. But i see from talks(when we call each other) that she has not changed much. Mostly my family is pushing me for divorce. And some other relatives of mine in USA are telling me to stay away from this kind of arrogant character(wife) since I could be in problem if neighbours complained or i could be falsely accused of domestic violence...and be in prison someday. I actually don't know what to do. And its been 8 months since we have been seperated and sometimes I feel she deserves a second chance. Not only that but sometimes i dont know why i miss her although she has hurted me constantly and also tried to defame me infront of my family. My mind cannot really decide if should or should I not divorce her. My company has already offered me a flat in apartment and a car but i chose to stay at my brother's house. but house/flat/money is not an issue at the moment. At the moment i am staying and eating in my brother's house temporary and he has warned me that if i bring my wife here to USA then i will have to get out of his house and as well as his life. He or my dad will no longer maintain any relation with me in future. All my family hate her. She has bad tongue and sometimes if she is angry she swears a lot. I think they all are right because i warned my wife several time to behave properly and dont talk bad words when you get angry. But although all this I feel like there is a soft side to her heart and perhaps I should give her another chance. But the truth is also that she doesn't like to learn something new, or read books or gain knowledge or hone her skills on what she knows....or atleast act maturely since soon she could be a mother. I am so confused I really dont know. Her father called me 5 days back when i was in a very important conference meeting with my lead team and told me "Do you want my daughter back? Or You want to Divocre Her?" So now its all upto me to decide. I really don't know. When i want to divorce her now I am suprisingly thinking of some of the good memories we had. And then somedays i think i want to get rid of her. Why i feel like this? I mean is it because I am lonely here? Or since here have no freinds? But i know that if get divorced i dont have it me to again re-marry or date another women in near future. Its all over with any new woman coming in my life... May god bless me with good wisdom since all need me to decide fast in next couple of days!!!!!!!!!!
toosoft Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 My friend this is simple. If you think she can change to be the wife you want and deserve, then work on it. If not, either live with her faults or call it a day. All the positive feelings your having for her is nostalgia. Remember, there are reasons for you being seperated, if they can't be addressed, nothing will ever change
Downtown Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 LonelyHigh, the behaviors you are describing -- temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, verbal abuse, emotionally immature -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. I am struck by the fact that one of your relatives warned you that your W has the sort of personality to try to get you arrested for domestic violence. To me, this is a big red flag because it is common for BPDers to fly into a rage and have their partners arrested for alleged brutality. Indeed, that is exactly what my W did to me after 15 years together, during which time I had taken her to six different psychologists -- all to no avail. I caution that all adults occasionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits. Having them occasionally at a low level is not a problem. They become a problem only when they become so strong that they undermine a person's ability to maintain close long term relationships or a marriage. At issue, then, is whether your W has most of the BPD traits at a strong level. If so, the chances of her having the self awareness and ego strength to actually get better in therapy are very small. Although excellent treatment programs are available all over this country, it is rare for a BPDer to be willing to enter therapy and stay with it long enough to make a difference. I therefore suggest that you read about these traits so you are able to recognize the red flags and see if they sound very familiar. An easy place to start reading, on this forum, is my description of such traits in Rebel's thread. My posts there start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3398735#post3398735. If that discussion rings a bell, I would suggest you seek a professional opinion by going to a clinical psychologist by yourself for a few sessions. Meanwhile, I would be glad to try to answer any questions you have and to point you to good online resources. Take care, LonelyHigh.
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