spinning in cycles

[AlisaMarie]

What a painful day...

My boyfriend and I broke up last night. It was proabably the 6th time in 2 years. Last November and in the summer he left me for a girl whom he was having an emotional affair with ... then would jump right on it after he shoved me out of the picture.

 

He came back to me every time. Expressing how he didn't know what he was doing, he made a mistake and could never love her. Blah blah. I took him back every time. Oddly, his relationship with her last about a month... but we usually last a couple months.

 

I took him back in July, and guess what? He becomes distant and says it is because I am a bitch. (what's funny is I am the nicest person and did everything for him.) He ended things with me yestday because he is miserable with me when I am that dumb girl that does nothing but try to make his life better! Bite the hand that feeds you... eh? Yes. So he took his stuff from my house and said he wanted to be alone. I asked him to bag up my stuff at his house and leave it on the porch.

 

Oddly, he texted me at four am and told me his landlord didn't want me on his property (I am not a crazy girl in denile so I really don't know what he's telling people). I decided to go take a peek, and guess what??? Her car was there. Wow.. I drove away fast before the tought of making a scene crossed my mind. Every time we got back together he promised me that he didn't want her. This girl is so obsessed with him and she actually used to stalk me!

 

Anyway, I know ... get over it. It still hurts. I enabled the relationship to be the way that it was. If only the first time I told him to piss off. No I feel like a fool... and I almost feel stupid for her for running to him after what he did to her with me. It's like I am the wife and she is the mistress.

 

I did text him to acknowledge that I knew she was there and that my intuition was dead on... it's a cycle, a pattern that won't stop. I didn't over do it... just said that he let me down and being alone doesn't mean having the girl you lied to me about in your bed.

 

I know this needs cut. I just have so much love for him but I wish I didn't. Love shouldn't feel like this... maybe it's a conquest. I am really tired of fighting. Can someone give me advice to just pick up and forget...once and for all?

Edited October 27, 2011 by AlisaMarie

[mike588]

What a painful day...

My boyfriend and I broke up last night. It was proabably the 6th time in 2 years. Last November and in the summer he left me for a girl whom he was having an emotional affair with ... then would jump right on it after he shoved me out of the picture.

 

He came back to me every time. Expressing how he didn't know what he was doing, he made a mistake and could never love her. Blah blah. I took him back every time. Oddly, his relationship with her last about a month... but we usually last a couple months.

 

I took him back in July, and guess what? He becomes distant and says it is because I am a bitch. (what's funny is I am the nicest person and did everything for him.) He ended things with me yestday because he is miserable with me when I am that dumb girl that does nothing but try to make his life better! Bite the hand that feeds you... eh? Yes. So he took his stuff from my house and said he wanted to be alone. I asked him to bag up my stuff at his house and leave it on the porch.

 

Oddly, he texted me at four am and told me his landlord didn't want me on his property (I am not a crazy girl in denile so I really don't know what he's telling people). I decided to go take a peek, and guess what??? Her car was there. Wow.. I drove away fast before the tought of making a scene crossed my mind. Every time we got back together he promised me that he didn't want her. This girl is so obsessed with him and she actually used to stalk me!

 

Anyway, I know ... get over it. It still hurts. I enabled the relationship to be the way that it was. If only the first time I told him to piss off. No I feel like a fool... and I almost feel stupid for her for running to him after what he did to her with me. It's like I am the wife and she is the mistress.

 

I did text him to acknowledge that I knew she was there and that my intuition was dead on... it's a cycle, a pattern that won't stop. I didn't over do it... just said that he let me down and being alone doesn't mean having the girl you lied to me about in your bed.

 

I know this needs cut. I just have so much love for him but I wish I didn't. Love shouldn't feel like this... maybe it's a conquest. I am really tired of fighting. Can someone give me advice to just pick up and forget...once and for all?

 

Sounds like my ex. g/f's cycle pattern, she keeps going back and back and back to her ex.

 

You need to end this NOW, it's never going to stop, he's proven that to you over and over.

 

You don't need this, end it and move on!!

[AlisaMarie]

Was it while she was with you?

In my situation... I am the ex the he returns to. This is round three with her.

[mike588]

Was it while she was with you?

In my situation... I am the ex the he returns to. This is round three with her.

 

Only once while with me. You've broken up 6 times in 2 years, this is not a healthy relationship, I know you love him but he truely loved you he would'nt be doing this.

 

Your love for him is blinding you,, end this nonsense and move on!!

[wilsonx]

This isnt love, your mistaking the toxicity of the person you are with and your relationship as love. You used the word enable which I smiled at which goes to the whole caretaking personality.

 

You have a need to be needed. Now that you are no longer needed any more, you are hurt. I am pretty sure there is absolutely no love in that relationship from him, probably not from you either. Hurt people can't love. There is absolutely no way you can love someone that you have been broken up with 5 times before with. Everytime you get back together, you are walking on the proverbial eggshells and doing everything possible so that it does not happen again.

 

Caretakers mistake the need to be needed with the need to be loved.

[AlisaMarie]

This isnt love, your mistaking the toxicity of the person you are with and your relationship as love. You used the word enable which I smiled at which goes to the whole caretaking personality.

 

You have a need to be needed. Now that you are no longer needed any more, you are hurt. I am pretty sure there is absolutely no love in that relationship from him, probably not from you either. Hurt people can't love. There is absolutely no way you can love someone that you have been broken up with 5 times before with. Everytime you get back together, you are walking on the proverbial eggshells and doing everything possible so that it does not happen again.

 

Caretakers mistake the need to be needed with the need to be loved.

 

OHHHH my gosh. You nailed it. He also has a every symtom of BPD... but I am not diagnosing, we can just say he is a huge douche. Period. But I do need to feel needed. I seem to do that in relationships... friends call me the mother. I just can't seem to guide people... I just do. You want to know something wierd? He actually said last night that I was no longer needed. Stab to the heart.

[Bobby289]

"I want you to want me, I need you to need me" is what comes to mind.

Good post wilsonx, at least you can admit to it AlisaMarie a lot of people would deny,deny, deny for awhile

[geegirl]

This is round 2 for her and round 6 for you. Between the two of you, there really is no difference because both of you are obsessed and enabling bad behavior.

 

This is not love. Love is not flip flopping between two women. Love does not hurt you this way. You're confusing all the heartbreak, tears, constant rekindling for passion and love. When it's just toxicity.

 

When he is bored or feels the novelty wearing off with her, he will come back to you for the 7th time. You have had 6 LESSONS with him. Let's see if they were learning ones. Up to you Alisa.

 

The definition of insanity is repeating the same things over and over again and expecting different results. NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE the 7th time around.

 

Co-dependency is the need to feel needed. You need to be the caretaker, at any expense. In that sense, you will keep yourself in a toxic situation because you feel the dire need to fix, fix the R, fix the partner, fix something. Work on your issues and where all this is stemming from versus enabling your behaviors. Going back to a bad situation over and over again is not going to fix you or him. It's just a mask. Get out from behind that mask and fix what's making you involve yourself in bad situations.

Edited October 27, 2011 by geegirl

[AlisaMarie]

"I want you to want me, I need you to need me" is what comes to mind.

Good post wilsonx, at least you can admit to it AlisaMarie a lot of people would deny,deny, deny for awhile

 

I am self aware, and that kind of girl that can give the greatest advice. I am however, also love sick and stupid at heart. Bobby... your signature... Fix You...Coldplay... I listen to that song over and over. I think I can fix is personality disorder and I know that the other girl only knows the man in him to sweep him off her feet and make everything better. That's how he works. It's really not my problem anymore. I am seeking a way to be in a healthy relationship. The two men that in my life that I thought were my soulmates were my recent ex, and a guy I was on and off with for 8 years. Both of which left me for other girls... sometimes the same girl repeatedly. I do have a sickness. I really have to work on myself and learn that it REALLY ISN'T ME!!! It's just me attracted to people that are not emotionally available. I can't fix someone. Although my most recent ex has confessed that he has psychological problems... I won't seek help. "It's a waste of money." ehhh.

[AlisaMarie]

This is round 2 for her and round 6 for you. Between the two of you, there really is no difference because both of you are obsessed and enabling bad behavior.

 

This is not love. Love is not flip flopping between two women. Love does not hurt you this way. You're confusing all the heartbreak, tears, constant rekindling for passion and love. When it's just toxicity.

 

When he is bored or feels the novelty wearing off with her, he will come back to you for the 7th time. You have had 6 LESSONS with him. Let's see if they were learning ones. Up to you Alisa.

 

The definition of insanity is repeating the same things over and over again and expecting different results. NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE the 7th time around.

 

Co-dependency is the need to feel needed. You need to be the caretaker, at any expense. In that sense, you will keep yourself in a toxic situation because you feel the dire need to fix, fix the R, fix the partner, fix something. Work on your issues and where all this is stemming from versus enabling your behaviors. Going back to a bad situation over and over again is not going to fix you or him. It's just a mask. Get out from behind that mask and fix what's making you involve yourself in bad situations.

 

I know...It's like I am not even sad because I know he'll be back. The only problem is, when he does return- I don't have the strength to say everything that I practiced... Like go EFF yourself and forget me and get help!!! I am mesmerized by the fantasy that THIS time will be different. "He must love me if he keeps coming back." I have to crack the code.

[geegirl]

I know...It's like I am not even sad because I know he'll be back. The only problem is, when he does return- I don't have the strength to say everything that I practiced... Like go EFF yourself and forget me and get help!!! I am mesmerized by the fantasy that THIS time will be different. "He must love me if he keeps coming back." I have to crack the code.

 

Why do you need to say anything? What's your need to make speech when all you need to do is be self-aware and walk away. If that is what you want. You are telling him he needs help? You need help too. That's why both of you gravitate to each other. Both drowning in toxicity. If you really want him to leave you alone, you leave him alone. When he comes back, you walk away. Don't place the accountability of him leaving on him. You have to do it for yourself.

 

"He must love me if he keeps coming back." Yes, that is why he keeps leaving after each time he comes back into your life. Where is the logic in this? When you love someone, you STAY. You don't leave 6 times for another woman or for self-inflicted reasons. He keeps coming back because you're a warm body that's just there available to him when he needs to run to someone other than this woman. A fallback. A crutch. Why will he come back the 7th time. Because you will allow it. That is all it is. Don't confuse rekindling for love. It's not passion. It's self-destructive behavior.

 

My boyfriend and I have broken up 6 times. You know why? It's because we love each other. Sound right? No. Sound logical? No. Sound healthy? No.

 

And even if you claim this is "love", love is not enough to sustain a relationship. It's just a small piece of what a foundation is built on. Without other components like loyalty, trust, compassion, empathy, etc., you have nothing.

Edited October 27, 2011 by geegirl

[geegirl]

Tell me to stop!

If you read my last thread, my story is posted there. The problem right now is that I am having a really weak moment! I feel like I need to talk to him and text him how I am feeling. I know this isn't the right thing to do...but there's almost been 2 weeks of no contact and something has to give! Help!

 

That is your (last) first thread I could find, posted on November 15, 2010. I am assuming it's another break up, I don't know break up # what but one of the 6.

 

Nearly a year has gone by and you're still doing the same thing. Don't you think the problem now lies with you? Maybe you should speak to someone to try and get yourself out of self-destructive patterns. It's not him anymore Alisa. It's you. Either you say enough or a year from now, you'll be posting the same thing.

[AlisaMarie]

 

That is your (last) first thread I could find, posted on November 15, 2010. I am assuming it's another break up, I don't know break up # what but one of the 6.

 

Nearly a year has gone by and you're still doing the same thing. Don't you think the problem now lies with you? Maybe you should speak to someone to try and get yourself out of self-destructive patterns. It's not him anymore Alisa. It's you. Either you say enough or a year from now, you'll be posting the same thing.

 

Geegirl, I totally respect everything you're saying. It IS me and I know I deserve better. Much that pulls me is that I am a fixer. I seem to want the problems so I can make them better and save the day. I need to be needed. He also has a son that I have helped raise since birth so it makes it even harder to stay away because I love him too. I am posting here so I do stay away. The problem with the relationship WAS HIM... but the problems were there because I LET them. I know my faults. I know I have issues... or I would have been done with this a year ago.

[geegirl]

Geegirl, I totally respect everything you're saying. It IS me and I know I deserve better. Much that pulls me is that I am a fixer. I seem to want the problems so I can make them better and save the day. I need to be needed. He also has a son that I have helped raise since birth so it makes it even harder to stay away because I love him too. I am posting here so I do stay away. The problem with the relationship WAS HIM... but the problems were there because I LET them. I know my faults. I know I have issues... or I would have been done with this a year ago.

 

I know when I was going for therapy a few years ago, and I said the same thing to the therapist about being a fixer. And she said, " You're finding reasons to fix the world because you're avoiding looking at yourself." The thing is, until you are putting in real work into YOU, you will always be doing what you are doing.

 

Come here and vent and find help to stop yourself. But it doesn't stop there. You need to be proactive in finding someone to help you change your behaviors. I went to a therapist that specialized in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Do some research on that. I had very ingrained behaviors from when I was a child, trying to fix my broken family because I wanted a happy family. That set it's roots in me and as an adult I was a fixing everything. Even when the R was toxic, I would feel certain that all it needed was A, B and C and I will make it all better. Never got any better. And neither was I getting any better.

 

I am not sure if you are seeking therapy but you should, because just making acknowledgements and not seeking help in reversing it, is not going to get you anywhere.

 

I understand you love the child. But you have to love you as well. That comes first. If you have nothing to give yourself, what can you give others?

 

I am sorry I am harsh with you but I see you in me a few years ago.

[AlisaMarie]

I know when I was going for therapy a few years ago, and I said the same thing to the therapist about being a fixer. And she said, " You're finding reasons to fix the world because you're avoiding looking at yourself." The thing is, until you are putting in real work into YOU, you will always be doing what you are doing.

 

Come here and vent and find help to stop yourself. But it doesn't stop there. You need to be proactive in finding someone to help you change your behaviors. I went to a therapist that specialized in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Do some research on that. I had very ingrained behaviors from when I was a child, trying to fix my broken family because I wanted a happy family. That set it's roots in me and as an adult I was a fixing everything. Even when the R was toxic, I would feel certain that all it needed was A, B and C and I will make it all better. Never got any better. And neither was I getting any better.

 

I am not sure if you are seeking therapy but you should, because just making acknowledgements and not seeking help in reversing it, is not going to get you anywhere.

 

I understand you love the child. But you have to love you as well. That comes first. If you have nothing to give yourself, what can you give others?

 

I am sorry I am harsh with you but I see you in me a few years ago.

 

I am in my 30s. I have been like this my whole life. I've seen my mom and dad go through hell and back but pulled through. So I don't blame my childhood, I guess I am a hopeless romantic that attracts the ones that "need" me. Putting all psychological problems aside, today I am hurt because of the breakup. Things could have been prevented on my end but weren't because I was never strong enough to say "leave me alone." It is my fault. You are not being harsh... you call it like you see it. It makes me sad that everything is so disposable and it's easy to place blame on issues when all that really matters is the ability to love someone unconditionally. I guess I never learned to love myself that way... and I do feel more complete with a little chaos in my life. I know I deserve a healthy relationship with someone special. Someone that gives and is caring and not just for a hook line and sinker approach. Someone that will always be that way. Everybody gives up.

[wilsonx]

I am in my 30s. I have been like this my whole life. I've seen my mom and dad go through hell and back but pulled through. So I don't blame my childhood, I guess I am a hopeless romantic that attracts the ones that "need" me. Putting all psychological problems aside, today I am hurt because of the breakup. Things could have been prevented on my end but weren't because I was never strong enough to say "leave me alone." It is my fault. You are not being harsh... you call it like you see it. It makes me sad that everything is so disposable and it's easy to place blame on issues when all that really matters is the ability to love someone unconditionally. I guess I never learned to love myself that way... and I do feel more complete with a little chaos in my life. I know I deserve a healthy relationship with someone special. Someone that gives and is caring and not just for a hook line and sinker approach. Someone that will always be that way. Everybody gives up.

 

People are a product of their environment. I am going to say something because it was said to me by another person on this forum. People confuse the toxicity of others relationships as love when its not. I found this out about my own parents too. I remember when I was in 3rd grade that my mom went on a cheating spree. I do not know what my dad did about it but in the end he did not do the right thing and stand up for himself. So guess what that instilled on both my brother and I, this same type of behavior.

 

So if you see and grow up with this type of behavior in your life, you come to accept that this is ok, when its really not.

 

Its not about giving up either, its about standing up for yourself which is something your parents never taught you nor mine. This is where you learn it, right here right now. You see how much of a vicious cycle you are going through! Are you ready to go through round 7? I know Im done.

 

Want to know how to fix this? Start setting some personal boundaries for yourself! Tell yourself, when a relationship is over, you walk away no matter what. Fix the caretaker/codependency aspect of your life. If you can not fix it on your own, get help.

 

You have your entire life to get this correct, you do not need to rush it

[geegirl]

I am in my 30s. I have been like this my whole life. I've seen my mom and dad go through hell and back but pulled through. So I don't blame my childhood, I guess I am a hopeless romantic that attracts the ones that "need" me. Putting all psychological problems aside, today I am hurt because of the breakup. Things could have been prevented on my end but weren't because I was never strong enough to say "leave me alone." It is my fault. You are not being harsh... you call it like you see it. It makes me sad that everything is so disposable and it's easy to place blame on issues when all that really matters is the ability to love someone unconditionally. I guess I never learned to love myself that way... and I do feel more complete with a little chaos in my life. I know I deserve a healthy relationship with someone special. Someone that gives and is caring and not just for a hook line and sinker approach. Someone that will always be that way. Everybody gives up.

 

It's not a death sentence Alisa. You may have been like this your whole life but you can and must turn this around. You're in your 30s and I am close to your age group, and I will tell you that it is never too late to fix yourself. Until you break away from you ingrained habits, you're going to keep repeating mistakes.

 

It's fine to be a hopeless romantic. But not at the expense of diminishing yourself to nothing. There has to be boundaries to protect yourself. You may attract them, but what about you is accepting of them. Again, something you need to work on. Be a hopeless romantic but not a blind one.

 

Unfortunately we all want to be loved unconditionally. But when you are with someone that does not have the emotional availability or depth to give you that, then it's something that just cannot be forced. There are guys out there that will love unconditionally but it all depends on you making right choices. And you won't be able to make those choices the way you are right now.

 

I know you are hurting. But this pain that you are putting yourself through with him, is indefinite. If you take a chance on yourself, keep strict NC, the pain will be temporary and you'll soon be able to live free. Then maybe that would be the right time for you to focus on fixing yourself so that in time you're emotionally ready to make right choices and mentally strong to create boundaries.

 

I hope you do this for you.

Edited October 27, 2011 by geegirl