Why is she doing this?

[R32]

Alright long story short, I initiated NC with my ex after she chose "the other guy" about 4 weeks ago. 2 weeks into NC, I get a phone call from her which I ignored. I texted her a couple hours later asking "what's up" her reply was "I know I shouldn't be phoning you, but I just needed to" Again, I didn't respond and headed to bed. When I woke up in the morning, she left me another text message... Saying "I hope you'll talk to me again one day, but until then I just wanted to let you know I got through the first screening of RIM. (She's applying for co-op with Blackberry in Tdot)

 

I chose not to reply, however since we did end on good terms I figured it wouldn't hurt to send her a congrats. Here's where things get tricky... I responded with "Congrats, you're going to do great, maybe you can fix the ****ty network" She responds a few minutes later asking if we can talk on the phone. I told her I was busy writing a paper and I'd be free in 10 minutes if she wanted to talk.

 

So she phones me about 10 minutes later, and I kept the conversation light. She was crying the whole time. From when I answered to when we hung up. We didn't talk about our relationship, or her "new" relationship at all. Just kind of caught up as to what we've been up to, and just what's new in general. At the end, I wished her good luck on her next few interviews, and we left it at that. She also wouldn't tell me why she was crying, so I figured w/e not gonna dig into it.

 

So three nights later, I receive another call.. Again I ignored. But texted a few hours later to see what she wanted. She responded with "You're the only one who can make me feel better when I'm this nervous about something" (Apparently one of her interviews was the next day) At this point, I was thinking wtf, it really isn't my job to make her feel better anymore. So I kept it simple, just wished her the best of luck and hope she does well.

 

After her interview she texted letting me know how it went and how she was promised a second interview on Friday. I ignored the text, and a couple nights later sent her another congrats, and best of luck again. She replied asking if she could phone me. I caved, and said sure.... Conversation started out pretty light. Then she tried talking on a more intimate level, which I steered away from. She started crying, and told me she missed me. Then asked if I missed her. Again, tried changing the subject and she kept coming back to it. So I responded with "I do, but I'm getting over it and so should you" She then told me how she was kind of afraid to get the job because she'd be away from me. She also admit that she knows she should be happy because everything happened as a result of her decision, but she's not happy at all.

 

The convo kind of ended there..

 

I work around her friends sometimes on the weekends and on two separate occasions I had lunch with two of her friends. It was obvious they were digging for information, as both times two separate friends asked me the same questions. Stuff which included "would you ever get back with her", "how do you feel about her" etc. Both of which I responded with "No I wouldn't, because what she did was a slap in the face" and "She's just an ex girlfriend, nothing more, nothing less"

 

I know for a fact all this info would get back to her.

 

Anyways, so this past Friday night I was out partying with my friends having a fantastic time. At around 2 am, I get a text from the ex asking if we could talk before she went to bed. I ignored and carried on with my night. The next day I was having lunch with a friend when one of her friends randomly texted me asking if I would be around the uni. I responded that I was having lunch with a friend just across the street. I later found out that the ex was also in the vicinity, so I figured she may be trying to "run into me accidentally".

 

Later on that evening, I received a phone call from her which I ignored. I texted a few hours later asking what she wanted. And her excuse was pretty lame.... Claiming that her phone has been messed up lately.....righttttt of all people it could've auto dialed, it auto dials me right? hahaha.

 

Again, didn't reply. That night, I was out again with some friends drinking, and she texts me asking if we can speak before she's off to bed... I didn't respond. The following evening I get another phone call which I did answer, since all my friends told me to. We were at a bar and it was pretty loud.... All she said was "Just phone me when you're free".

 

The next night she called me and this was the last time I've spoken to her. We caught up again, talking about what we've been up to and when I tried to hang up she was upset. She asked if I could stay on the phone with her until she fell asleep... and I told her it was no longer my job to do so. She kept crying, telling me not to say that. While we were talking she also told me I'm a "hardass" now with the way I talk... I speak to her like how I speak to everyone now since she is no longer my gf. I told her I'm still the same old person just with thicker skin... and she agreed, to which I added "that's what happens when you get hurt" And she was kind of speechless haha.

 

N e ways. She also changed her bbm status to "maybe we were meant to be together" according to some mutual friends.

 

She also sent me an email today regarding the flash floods in Italy... One of the places heavily affected was one of our favourite destinations when we were traveling together.

 

 

So wtf is she doing? I know I've made significant progress, but I still have my moments from time to time.... I wouldn't mind reconciling with her, however to my knowledge she's still kind of seeing that other guy. I speak with her sister on occasion, and she doesn't understand either since her "new guy" has been around the house lately.

 

 

Within the past month of attempted NC, I haven't initiated any contact whatsoever.

 

Thoughts? Sorry for the long read.

[Eddie Edirol]

Youre doing real good with this.

Sounds to me like the new guy was kind of a rebound, but its not working out. She is not getting the intimacy she wants and thats why she calls you, asking you to talk her to sleep. She tried to guarantee not being on her own and she failed. So now she HATES the feeling of being alone. But youre not falling for it. She wants to reel you in either to make you a temporary rebound, or to talk to you while she thinks you want to be with her.

 

But if she wants to try again, shes too chicken to say it. So shes either trying to hint her way back to you, or shes just using you for company until she finds another guy. I vote the latter.

[R32]

Thx Eddie.

 

I told a few of my friends what happened, and they all agreed that she's realizing maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. She's lacking something in her relationship, whether it be affection, attention, or something else. They added that I treated her very well, and maybe this new guy just isn't meeting the expectations since I set the bar quite high.

 

May I add that she cheated on me emotionally with this guy a year ago.

 

I expect her attempting to phone again either tonight or the next few nights.

 

I've yet to reply to her email, and I doubt I will.

 

I was thinking about laying it out to her again... and reinforcing my boundaries. Since NC was initiated because she chose him over me. I didn't plan on talking to her for a very long time, or until she decided she had made a mistake and would choose to work on things with me.... What do you guys think?

 

It is getting kind of annoying she keeps phoning and crying every now and then... I mean for ****s sakes, it was her decision to break up.

[Eddie Edirol]

Heres now you lay it all out to her and reinforce your boundaries:

 

Dont answer the phone, dont reply to texts or emails. She will understand silence, it speaks volumes.

 

You might be tempted to give her another shot if you talk to her.

[EgoJoe]

So how does slowly giving in to emotional manipulation feel? You need to tell her off and not say any of the other stuff about recon, not wanting to talk etc.

 

Just pickup the next time she calls and say, "Are you retarded? Stop calling me." laugh as and after you say it then hang up.

 

Queue introspection on her part.

[R32]

I wish she never phoned in the first place.

 

To say the least, I still think about her everyday, but having NC/not seeing her has enabled me to carry on my days.

 

As much as I want to say "No I don't want her back" etc, truth is, I'd jump on a chance at reconciling.

 

I'm going out a lot now a days, clubbing, partying, drinking with my friends. Meeting new girls and what not.

 

But at the end of the day, there's still a trace of her lingering in the back of my mind.

 

Is there a chance for us to work it out?

 

If there is something there to work out, how should I proceed?

 

Thank you all for your replies.

[EgoJoe]

There is always a chance. But, until you act like a man she isn't going to respect you as one. Plus she has some growing up to do. She clearly respects, loves and misses you.

 

So give her the gift of missing you completely and knowing that you're not going to take her crap.

[smudge21]

Her contact and your replies are not helping either of you. I think you need to be honest with her and yourself: what do you really want? Her friendship or her love? Decide and then let her know - if it's her friendship then make that clear, no relationship, just friends and carry on. If it's her love and you'll only settle for a full on relationship, then tell her this and that unless this is something she can give you, then she's best not making contact.

 

Everytime there's contact in some ways it's making her feel better that you're there, but also worse that you're not acting how she wants you to act. You're not chasing her anymore. So the longer this goes on, the worse it's going to get... for both of you.

 

You are doing so well and playing this great - I doubt there would be many on here who could do the same, me for one - so stay strong but please sort this out one way or another.

 

Just keep in mind that it's only been 4 weeks since she left you for someone else and that's very little time in the whole healing world. You don't want to jump back in there without sorting out the problems. I hate to see people get back together only for things to end shortly afterwards. Good luck.

[R32]

Thanks guys.

 

It's hard to play it cool, but honestly the NC/not seeing her has given me time to make a leap forward. Every time she starts crying, I always tell myself "She's doing this to herself" and all the pity I feel fades away.

 

I've been telling myself that I don't want to be with her, and I'm playing it out quite well.

However at the end of it all, I really want her back. I'll continue NC for now, until she tries to contact me again... Then I'll kind of lay it all out for her when she tries to speak to me on a more intimate level.

[fallenheart]

Based on the first post I'd say you're doing a pretty awesome job of playing it cool. Certainly better than I personally have ever been able to in those circumstances.

 

Laying it out by telling her it's not your job anymore to feed her emotional needs....that's awesome dude!

 

It's like she's trying to have her cake and eat it too....sleep with the new guy but enjoy the emotional support and friendship she wants from you and giving you NOTHING in return!! So unfair.

 

I hope you can continue to be strong and take it to the next level....NO CONTACT AT ALL! No more replying to her messages or calling back or anything....disappear completely. Then you'll see for sure what she really wants....does she want YOU as in ALL of you....or just a shoulder to cry on when she's feeling weak?

[R32]

It's a confusing state. I don't understand WHY she's contacting me when she's clearly still somewhat interested in the new guy.

 

Contacting and trying to offer friendship is one thing, but saying the things she's saying + crying all the time is another thing.

 

So far she hasn't tried to contact me. It's been about 3 days. I expect a call sometime this weekend.

[Eddie Edirol]

It's a confusing state. I don't understand WHY she's contacting me when she's clearly still somewhat interested in the new guy.

 

Contacting and trying to offer friendship is one thing, but saying the things she's saying + crying all the time is another thing.

 

So far she hasn't tried to contact me. It's been about 3 days. I expect a call sometime this weekend.

 

Tried to tell you already. She is not getting the intimacy she wants from the new guy, and thats why she calls you. He probably isnt that into her. but that doesnt mean she wants to try again with you. She most likely will not move backwards. She will always remember what it is about you that made her lose her attraction. She is trying to get attention from you, probably because shes not getting it from anyone else. So I suggest you dont pick up any of her calls, it will just keep you on the hook.

[joseph17]

She is apparently confused and this NEW guy isn't cutting it. She still calls you crying because she wants you back and regrets leaving you. Now she is tied up with this other guy for whatever reason but it is not filling her needs. I would keep doing what you are doing and everything you do do will get back to her. She has her eyes on you through her friends so don't be surprised when you start seeing another girl she doesn't try to come crawling back. She is not happy with this guy and it will end with her displaying her emotions like she has. I'd talk to her one more time and tell her if she is going to continue seeing this other guy then you don't want to talk to her or be her shoulder to cry on. Lay down your bounderies and stick to them. She either comes back or she doesn't either way you are better off than she is right now

[R32]

Thanks guys. I've been trying my best to be strong through all this... and I've been doing pretty good so far. But these past few days are seriously killing me.

 

Just trying to get my head straight about what I need to say to her when the opportunity arrives.

[leoc1973]

R32 my ex did the same stuff to me. I was just like you in the beginning I played it perfectly. I did want her back just like you and I knew she was seeing someone else. I did end up caving and telling her how much I loved her missed her and wanted to be with her. So no matter what you do if you ever want this girl back do not cave on her. Don't think her crying makes her different or she is somehow unique. She is crying to get you to do what you want to do and that is cave and tell her you still want her. Everyone on this forum told me in the beginning but I felt somehow my relationship was different I felt her love for me was on a whole different level from the rest of the people on her. I didn't listen and here I am 5 months later still heart broken still wishing she would change her mind. I did the NC with my ex just last month and soon as my ex found out I met someone new she started calling me literally 2 times a day from not calling for a month and a half. What did I do? I professed my love to her and what did she do? she put me back on the back burner. I guess there is a really small window between a girl giving you the breadcrumbs and pushing her away for good you just have to find it and hope that ya catch her when she does want you. Good luck and let us know how it turns out but don't give into her bull**** unless you are positive she wants you back.

[R32]

Thx Leo.

 

I don't plan on telling her how I truly feel. But merely reinforcing the reason why we are not friends/on speaking terms.

 

And also telling her how I "WAS" hurt from what she did, which is another reason to reinforce my decision to go NC.

[R32]

Door's open,

 

You nailed it on the head. I was feeling pretty ****ty before she initiated contact. Once she did, I really didn't care too much anymore. I'd be lying if I said I didn't care if she phones or not. It really does stroke my ego, as bad as it sounds.

 

Hope you guys have a happy halloween. Off to blow up that bitches pumpkins now.

[R32]

So a bit of an update for you guys. I was cleaning out my closet and I found a bunch of my ex's clothes. I set them aside and planned on contacting her to make arrangements for pickup/drop off or I would just add them to my donation pile. Reason I wanted to return them was because she has a few expensive pieces of my clothing I'd like back as well.

 

Well, before I could text her, I received a text from her last evening saying "Can I call you later tonight... I need your advice..." Normally I would ignore/blow her off but I needed to talk to her anyways.

 

I replied "I'll be home around midnight if you want to talk then" She replies "Do you want to talk to me?" I reply "Yes, I was going to text you about something anyways"

 

So she phones me around midnight last night and we talked for quite a while. I started off by mentioning I found some of her clothes, and she should pick it up some time.

 

The conversation was light, typical catching up and what not. She needed advice on which job offer she should take as she was offered both and needed to make a decision by 12pm today. I told her my opinion shouldn't matter, and that she should be doing what she wants to do. She disagreed and told me my opinion was important to her. In the end, we concluded she would stay here and work instead of traveling away as the incentives here were a lot more appealing.

 

Throughout the convo I mentioned her clothes, and hinted at my stuff a few times. She kind of diverted away from that topic and always spoke about something else. We talked about family, careers, and just what we've been up to on a day to day basis. Apparently she doesn't leave the house very often anymore unless it's for school. She said her halloween was pretty lame and she just stayed home studying. This was odd as the past four years she's been into the whole pumpkin carving/watching horror movies. I guess her new man isn't really into that type of stuff.

 

She never mentioned anything about the guy she's seeing. And the general vibe was that things maybe weren't as great as she thought they would be.

 

We talked about some new movies that were coming out, and she got really excited. Seemed like she may have been hinting at wanting to hang out. But I never really dug into it. Just kept it as light as possible.

 

She asked me what I did on halloween and I proceeded to tell her how I went to a cemetery with a few friends.. She told me to stop because she was getting scared, and acted kind of like how she did when we were together. She told me I could tell her the rest of the story when we talk "the next time".. She mentioned it several times.... It really seemed like she was trying to open a line of communication. I didn't really say much to it and left it as is.

 

So we're nearing the end of our conversation, this was around 3AM, and she had to be awake at 7.

 

Before we ended it, I brought up the clothes again asking her what she wanted me to do with it....I offered to drop it off at her front door when she was at school, in return for her to leave some of my stuff outside.

 

She claimed that she didn't have one of my jackets, but agreed to look for it. I also asked for a blanket back... and she asked me if I wanted it back because I was going to use it. I replied with I'm unsure, but why does that matter? She replied "Because it would be pointless to return it if you're not using it." So I was like wtf.... it belongs to me that's the point.... She then said "If you promise me you'll use it, then I'll return it to you." I didn't get the point of this, and just agreed to promising her I would use it.

 

So bottom line I asked what she wanted me to do with the clothes, and she wanted me to just hold on to it for the time being. She said she would phone me when she finds my stuff. I agreed, and we said g'night.

 

A few minutes after, I thought it'd be funny to text her the remainder of the cemetery story. Which I did.... but at the same time she texted me something as well... Her text was "I still miss you R32, and I don't know if I could handle returning more of our stuff back to each other.."

 

Then replied to the story I sent with "why did you tell me :("

 

I reply with "Sorry I got your message after I sent mine..."

 

She replies with a ":("

 

I reply with "Uhm it's late and you should be asleep..We'll talk about it soon,, ok?"

 

She replied with "Okay..hopefully I can get to sleep now -_-night"

 

I replied with "Good night *pet name"

 

And she replied with "Night *pet name :)"

 

So... that concludes my update... I guess the next conversation we have will be a bit more serious..

[R32]

I was thinking about asking her out for coffee/dessert some time this weekend so we could talk...and also try to get my stuff back.

 

Good idea or bad?

[R32]

P.S we haven't seen each other for around 6 weeks.