CanadianGirl83 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I am with a man that I am head over heels in love with. We've been together for about a year and a half. But....I am considering breaking up. He has something scheduled everyday after work until around 9pm except for one day. On that one day he usually choses to work late. He also choses to work on some weekends. Once a year he takes on an additional project that is another HUGE time commitment. If I mention that I want to see him, or if I ask the schedule to change it is considered that he is doing me a 'favour'. If I insist on him foregoing a non-necessary social occasion that excludes me, I am 'irrational' and 'controlling'. (I only asked him to do this in the 1.5 years that we were together). I want to make it perfectly clear that I have NO PROBLEM with him spending time by himself or his friends. I love his friends. I love that he is his own person. But this is going completely the opposite way here... Our time together is considered a 'favour' to me and frankly I'm fed up and resentful at this point. At the beginning of the week he lets me know when his schedule has some time for us. It is often changed, cancelled or he comes late. (after 9pm one night a week, after 7:30 (usually shows up at 8pm the other night and then Friday night-Saturday morning. If I'm with him on the weekend and he has something else 'scheduled' I am dropped off at home like a discarded puppy. Last night I asked if he could come by after work, that I don't care how late if he could just give me ballpark figure on what time. His response was that he'll come over but he is not willing to be tied down to a time. Where do I go from here? Am I being unreasonable? What amount of time do people spend with each other in a long term relationship? ***Should he not WANT to spend time with me? If he doesn't should I cut him lose or be happy with the time he has to spare? Thank you for reading so far. Please reply. Any responses welcome.
Author CanadianGirl83 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Just a quick addition: I am really busy too! My own life and own things going on. Full schedule too, but I chose to make time for him and make him a priority in my life.
Lucky_One Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 If I had to look at his schedule, I think I would see... Monday: Tennis w/ Ron Tuesday: Handball w/ jake Wednesday: Sex w/ CanadianGirl Thursday: Poker w/ da boyz Friday: Dinner 2/CanadaGirl Sat am: BJ from CG Sat pm: Hanging w/ da boyz Sunday: Football w/ myself
Duckduckgoose Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 If you have talked to him about how this makes you feel, and he is unwilling to do a little more for you then I say leave. I am a fairly busy person, but you know what? I prioritize the person I am seeing. Yes it means the other nights of the week I might be a little busier, etc, but you know what? If I can't get my **** together about it now, what's gonna happen if marriage and kids come along? Will they be an "option" and not a "priority" too? Keep in mind if he's a workaholic and over-scheduler now it's not going to just up and stop on its own. If he doesn't make effort to change that, it's not going to change. By you dealing with the behaviour he displays for so long, he assumes you're "okay" with how he treats you. If he thinks its okay, he's not gonna be motivated to alter it. So first, seriously talk to him about it. If he makes no efforts or comes up with a list of excuses, leave him. Love is blind. Advice from random people on the internet isn't.
Cypress25 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I say break up with him. You're right, he should want to spend time with you. But he doesn't. You are not a priority in his life, and you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 I am with a man that I am head over heels in love with. We've been together for about a year and a half. But....I am considering breaking up. He has something scheduled everyday after work until around 9pm except for one day. On that one day he usually choses to work late. He also choses to work on some weekends. Once a year he takes on an additional project that is another HUGE time commitment. If I mention that I want to see him, or if I ask the schedule to change it is considered that he is doing me a 'favour'. If I insist on him foregoing a non-necessary social occasion that excludes me, I am 'irrational' and 'controlling'. (I only asked him to do this in the 1.5 years that we were together). I want to make it perfectly clear that I have NO PROBLEM with him spending time by himself or his friends. I love his friends. I love that he is his own person. But this is going completely the opposite way here... Our time together is considered a 'favour' to me and frankly I'm fed up and resentful at this point. At the beginning of the week he lets me know when his schedule has some time for us. It is often changed, cancelled or he comes late. (after 9pm one night a week, after 7:30 (usually shows up at 8pm the other night and then Friday night-Saturday morning. If I'm with him on the weekend and he has something else 'scheduled' I am dropped off at home like a discarded puppy. Last night I asked if he could come by after work, that I don't care how late if he could just give me ballpark figure on what time. His response was that he'll come over but he is not willing to be tied down to a time. Where do I go from here? Am I being unreasonable? What amount of time do people spend with each other in a long term relationship? ***Should he not WANT to spend time with me? If he doesn't should I cut him lose or be happy with the time he has to spare? Thank you for reading so far. Please reply. Any responses welcome. Ouch. You love this guy, want to spend time with him and he can't make special time for you. He isn't putting you first or second.. You aren't being unreasonable. But, this guy's words and actions are showing you he isn't going to commit to you or put you first. Im sure he likes you and cares for you, but he doesn't seem "in love". If he was, he'd want to be with you more often and he'd make the time, even if it meant cancelling or changing his plans, moving projects around. Don't be happy with the time he has to 'spare'. You're worth more than that! He isn't treating you nicely or with much respect!
Author CanadianGirl83 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 If I had to look at his schedule, I think I would see... Monday: Tennis w/ Ron Tuesday: Handball w/ jake Wednesday: Sex w/ CanadianGirl Thursday: Poker w/ da boyz Friday: Dinner 2/CanadaGirl Sat am: BJ from CG Sat pm: Hanging w/ da boyz Sunday: Football w/ myself LOL - my mind wandered there. I trust him but occasionally if something else ( ie. the occasional girl writing him a flirty message on facebook) comes up, it makes it difficult.
Author CanadianGirl83 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 If you have talked to him about how this makes you feel, and he is unwilling to do a little more for you then I say leave. I am a fairly busy person, but you know what? I prioritize the person I am seeing. Yes it means the other nights of the week I might be a little busier, etc, but you know what? If I can't get my **** together about it now, what's gonna happen if marriage and kids come along? Will they be an "option" and not a "priority" too? Keep in mind if he's a workaholic and over-scheduler now it's not going to just up and stop on its own. If he doesn't make effort to change that, it's not going to change. By you dealing with the behaviour he displays for so long, he assumes you're "okay" with how he treats you. If he thinks its okay, he's not gonna be motivated to alter it. So first, seriously talk to him about it. If he makes no efforts or comes up with a list of excuses, leave him. Love is blind. Advice from random people on the internet isn't. Farmville I have talked to him about it and now it's becoming a constant source of conflict. I feel like I'm exhausted and don't want to talk about it anymore. What happens is that he'll spend one night with me, and then be like "see! I gave you what you wanted! Why are you mad?" (look at this favour I've done for you)while falling right back into his overscheduled life. And yes, true about love is blind.
Author CanadianGirl83 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Ouch. You love this guy, want to spend time with him and he can't make special time for you. He isn't putting you first or second.. You aren't being unreasonable. But, this guy's words and actions are showing you he isn't going to commit to you or put you first. Im sure he likes you and cares for you, but he doesn't seem "in love". If he was, he'd want to be with you more often and he'd make the time, even if it meant cancelling or changing his plans, moving projects around. Don't be happy with the time he has to 'spare'. You're worth more than that! He isn't treating you nicely or with much respect! Thank you! It's about respect. So nice to hear someone else sees it like that too. *sigh* Breaking up sucks so much though.
Eddie Edirol Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Farmville I have talked to him about it and now it's becoming a constant source of conflict. I feel like I'm exhausted and don't want to talk about it anymore. What happens is that he'll spend one night with me, and then be like "see! I gave you what you wanted! Why are you mad?" (look at this favour I've done for you)while falling right back into his overscheduled life. And yes, true about love is blind. Love isnt blind, its just blissfuly ignorant. if he really wanted to spend time with you, he would initiate it. it doesnt help that he has to pick you up. So to him, your relationship has run its course, so you have to bail.
Eddie Edirol Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Farmville I have talked to him about it and now it's becoming a constant source of conflict. I feel like I'm exhausted and don't want to talk about it anymore. What happens is that he'll spend one night with me, and then be like "see! I gave you what you wanted! Why are you mad?" (look at this favour I've done for you)while falling right back into his overscheduled life. And yes, true about love is blind. Love isnt blind, its just blissfuly ignorant. if he really wanted to spend time with you, he would initiate it. it doesnt help that he has to pick you up. So to him, your relationship has run its course, so you have to bail. And you dont tell him youre breaking up with him just to get him back, you break it off for good, because he will fall back into taking you for granted.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 If you take all of the emotion out of your decision, the logic to it leads only to putting him behind you. I mean, indeed you could hack it now, but you don't want to sign-on for that sort of neglect for the long haul.
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