Article about men should blame themselves for being in the friend zone

[Sanman]

This is at least somewhat true. I struggled with this when younger until I realized it was only important to go after what I wanted and not pretend other things are true.

 

No, I don't want to be friends with you, I want to be your bf. Oh, you would miss our friendship, that is sad. However, I have enough friends and don't really have time for more. Give me a call if you want to date. Good luck to you. Works like a charm.

[Cypress25]

Uh Cypress. We are posting in a thread about the friendzone. Know what that is? It's the place were men who have feelings for their female friends go when they've been turned down by their friend. Those guys never had sex with their friend.

 

Forgive me, I was generalizing. Some men claim that they don't develop strong feelings for a girl until after they have sex. I know that's not all men (or even most men) because I've had long-term relationships without sex, and we definitely had strong feelings for each other.

 

I've read and heard many things to the contrary. That the best way to get a girl to fall for you, is to sleep with her. Of course the trick is how. I think alcohol would be the answer.

 

It's true that many women become more attached to their partner after sex. But that's a hormonal thing (oxytocin, the "cuddle" hormone). And strong feelings were there before having sex. They're just stronger after sex because of that bonding feeling.

 

Alcohol is not the answer, lol. I can't imagine you would have to resort to that.

 

All I know is that the girls who have developed emotional connections with me, never wanted to date me

 

You can have an emotional connection with someone even if you don't want to date them. I have an emotional connection with all my friends, that's why we're friends. We understand each other, we trust each other, we're real with each other. Friends care about each other, ya know?

 

So which is it; an emotional connection or sexual attraction?

 

Both! You need both if you're going to have a romantic relationship with someone.

 

I just remembered some girl coming up to me in Jack in the Box, and telling me the her friend, that I don't remember at all, used to like me in High School. That didn't really do me any good. I'm sure I would have given her a chance if she actually let me know back then.

 

Well, she didn't know that. And she was right about one thing: you never noticed her. See, women don't have it easy either. Let's face it, no one has it easy in high school.

 

And how are girls supposed to know if their boyfriend has a crush on their female friend?

 

It doesn't matter if your boyfriend has a crush on his female friend. Just because he has a crush on another girl (or on several other girls) doesn't mean he wants to cheat on his girlfriend. Attractive people are everywhere, there's always going to be someone more attractive than you, but that doesn't mean you have to worry about your boyfriend cheating on you.

[ScreamingTrees]

But what if the one you really wanted friend-zoned you, and then once you had a girlfriend suddenly started to show feelings for you?

 

That's what always seems to happen to me... Guy has a huge crush on his female friend. Female friend rejects him. Guy and I start dating. Suddenly the female friend is jealous and possessive... and he takes her side, because loyalty to friends and (deep down) he still has a hope that she wants him.

 

It's awful to be in a relationship with someone because the girl they really wanted friend-zoned them.

 

Well, then that guy obviously has no balls or a back bone for that matter, to be turning so quickly. Very weak-willed, immature, shallow, ect.

 

You're better off avoiding guys like that. Eventually you'll find a guy who ISN'T like that. I mean.. There are millions of people. They can't ALL be as you say, as discouraging as it may seem.

 

Hopefully you can genuinely tell when these things happen. Don't ruin the first relationship that appears to be "more your speed" out of paranoia.

[somedude81]

Forgive me, I was generalizing. Some men claim that they don't develop strong feelings for a girl until after they have sex. I know that's not all men (or even most men) because I've had long-term relationships without sex, and we definitely had strong feelings for each other.

That sounds like male bravado. A way to look strong.

 

Have you heard this before; that men tend to fall in love first, and faster than women do?

 

It's true that many women become more attached to their partner after sex. But that's a hormonal thing (oxytocin, the "cuddle" hormone). And strong feelings were there before having sex. They're just stronger after sex because of that bonding feeling.

Click!

 

I need to give them a dose of that oxytocin stuff. Snuggle up on a girl, and jam a needle in her butt, filling her up with oxytocin.

 

How does one get that hormone going without sex??

 

Alcohol is not the answer, lol. I can't imagine you would have to resort to that.

You've been on here long enough. I'm sure you are aware of my situation. Anything to give me an edge is a Godsend.

 

You can have an emotional connection with someone even if you don't want to date them. I have an emotional connection with all my friends, that's why we're friends. We understand each other, we trust each other, we're real with each other. Friends care about each other, ya know?

Fair enough.

 

Both! You need both if you're going to have a romantic relationship with someone.

Yeah both is needed.

 

Getting back to the whole friendzone thing. I think the reason men get friendzoned more than women do, is because all men are pretty much sexually attracted to all of their female friends already. All that's needed is for an emotional connection to develop. Once that happens, Presto! The man wants a relationship.

 

But the woman isn't attracted to her male friends by default, so once the connection forms, she still needs to find him attractive first. And that's when the trouble happens.

 

Well, she didn't know that. And she was right about one thing: you never noticed her. See, women don't have it easy either. Let's face it, no one has it easy in high school.

A man can't notice everybody. It's even more impossible when the girl never speaks to him. Though I was also super shy in High School.

It doesn't matter if your boyfriend has a crush on his female friend. Just because he has a crush on another girl (or on several other girls) doesn't mean he wants to cheat on his girlfriend. Attractive people are everywhere, there's always going to be someone more attractive than you, but that doesn't mean you have to worry about your boyfriend cheating on you.

That's something that actually happend to verhrzn.

 

And I think she does have cause to worry that it will happen again.

 

If a guy has a girl he really really likes, but he turns him down and he "settles" for somebody else. It's not impossible that he'd get with the first girl if an opportunity arises.

 

As I've mentioned many times on this forum, there is a woman friend I've been chasing for a long time. If I somehow start dating another girl, and then here that the first girl wants to go out with me, I'd immediately let my current girl go.

 

The only situation where that wouldn't happen, is if my current feelings for the girl I'm with, become stronger than what I felt for the other. And they would take some time to reach that point.

[betterdeal]

The friend zone is an imaginary place. People choose to hold onto and nurture feelings for someone who isn't reciprocating those feelings. That's all the friend zone consists of - a choice in the mind of the person "in the zone" to stay "in the zone".

 

It is quite possible to accept that someone doesn't fancy you and put your feelings for them to rest. That's called moving on. You can even be sociable and friendly with them after you've processed your feelings and come to a calmer, more solid position in your mind. But if you hang out with them all the time and rely on them in other ways too, well, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck: you are in a close relationship.

 

Given that someone chooses this long-game strategy of being in a friend zone of their own making, that's a sign of their emotional character - they hang on to things, ruminate, look to the past, and project their choices onto others when those choices don't turn up the goods. Not typically a good set of characteristics to base a forward looking, living in the present, spontaneous yet responsible relationship on.

 

So get to know people, check out their demeanour and attitudes and grow closer to those whose you like and grow away from those you're not sure of.

[ChessPieceFace]

The grotesque thoughts of the player, now in pdf format.

[Cypress25]

I need to give them a dose of that oxytocin stuff. Snuggle up on a girl, and jam a needle in her butt, filling her up with oxytocin.

 

How does one get that hormone going without sex??

 

Have a baby, lol. Oxytocin is released during childbirth, which creates the instant bond between mother and baby. But that's not relevant to your situation.

 

Truly, oxytocin is released in small doses in response to many everyday activities. Cuddling with a beloved pet, cuddling with a boyfriend/girlfriend, having a heart-to-heart with a close friend...all those things trigger oxytocin. It's what makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Men and women both feel it, but women tend to be more vulnerable to it because it increases in the presence of estrogen.

 

Why do you think cute dogs are often used as chick-magnets? Pretty much anything that elicits an "awwwwww" response is an oxytocin trigger.

[somedude81]

I really wish there was a way I could make somebody fall for me.

 

Everything is there already, just missing the damn sexual attraction thing. No one has ever been attracted to me that way and I've never gotten anywhere with women

 

Now it's basically gotten to the point where I have two choices

 

Be friends with girls I really want to date and be happy that I get to spend time with them.

 

Or be alone, never hanging out with women.

 

Which one is the lesser of two evils?

[dasein]

To me a friend is someone who would, at the drop of a hat, change plans at inconvenience to themselves, and spend an entire day or even longer helping you without hesitation, without any benefit to themselves at all, and even if what was asked was unpleasant (hiding a body for example), and for whom you wouldn't think twice about doing the same. Admittedly that is a very strict definition.

 

I find very few men generally meet it in their relationships and almost no women. You can call a female "friend" for help in even high priority situations (not emergencies, even non-friends will show if your house is burning), and if she is heading out to trendy martinis or even on a date, you are SOL. She will be good at sentimental displays such as birthdays and holidays, but when things get real, female "friends" tend to evaporate. This didn't come from me, but from a woman I know explaining why she preferred to have male friends (she was a crappy friend herself LOL).

 

What people mean by "friends" most often today is "social or drinking buddies."

 

I had a female friend once. She actually washed... my... car. Can you imagine that? Very good looking girl. If I find a diamond like that, I will do anything for them and forego all sexual urge to keep them as friends. Very very rare.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Does that ever happen the other way? Girls getting feelings for their guy friends?

 

Yes, looking back I know several women who I considered platonic friends who seriously wanted to date me. I just would not ever even think of dating one of my friends xGF's.