Age

[Gentlegirl]

I'm just pondering something.

 

Does anybody think that recovery time from an A is related to age?

 

I am 63 and finding the recovery very slow and painful.

 

It is 10months now since I spoke to xMM but some days... well I think too much about him.

 

 

It just seems that it's taking forever... sigh!!!!!

 

Have a good day.

 

GG

[Owl]

What do you do to occupy your time that was spent focused on MM? What have you done to fill your life and mind and heart in the time since then? What specifically have you changed on your end to help yourself recover?

 

Age might be a factor...but I'm betting that re-organizaning your life and your time is a key factor too. Thinking about it...it's often a little more difficult for those of us "set in our ways" to make those kind of changes, whereas a younger person might be more flexible in that respect.

[Circular]

My feeling is there are a lot of variables involved. Length of A, type of A, how attached the two people became, etc.... I also think that because an A never is a fully realized relationship (no matter how angry you might be at xMM) there are a lot of lingering 'what ifs', was it because of the A they acted like they did? Why did it end this way? Was I bamboozled? There's a lot of confusion around the ending.

 

I know for me, with it being more than 19 months now, I'm in a much better place. Though it would be a lie if I said I was 'completely over it', not sure if 'completely' is something that's going to come anytime soon. I feel like I work on getting-over-it all the time, focus on other things.

[East7]

I have seen young OW here recover very slowly from the A, so I don't think the recovery length is related to age.

 

As far as I know you have an active social life (friends, volunteering etc) so I don't think it is because you aren't busy

 

I am in only 2 months strict NC after 1 year of chronic LC initiated by her. I still miss xMW and think a lot about her but it is not something that will change my emotions or make me feel sad or miserable. Even when I was in LC I was seeing other women while xMW pined for me.

 

I think each person has a different resilience (capacity to recover from a heartache, deception etc/ used in Emotional intelligence quotient)

[Gentlegirl]

I have seen young OW here recover very slowly from the A, so I don't think the recovery length is related to age.

 

As far as I know you have an active social life (friends, volunteering etc) so I don't think it is because you aren't busy

 

I am in only 2 months strict NC after 1 year of chronic LC initiated by her. I still miss xMW and think a lot about her but it is not something that will change my emotions or make me feel sad or miserable. Even when I was in LC I was seeing other women while xMW pined for me.

 

I think each person has a different resilience (capacity to recover from a heartache, deception etc/ used in Emotional intelligence quotient)

 

Yes I do have the social life, have a very busy professional life full time, volunteer, family etc. gym. I have also travelled a lot in the last 10 months. I have just booked my first ever 3 week cruise holiday over Christmas , New Year. I am very excited about that.

 

So... it's not like I don't have people around, things to occupy my mind, and love it all. Come 4am sometimes I wake up and the memories just come flooding back... Bye bye sleep. They bite me out of the dark. Then the following day is pretty much shot to pieces.

 

I guess that's just my nature... I have always had what is known as a "soft centre". I know from losses in the past that I am NOT resilient in that area. I cope with emergencies, life crises but emotional losses... NUH!

 

Guess you and I both have a bit of a way to go.

 

GG

[SunsetRed]

Age may have something to do with it. The older you get, the more you wonder if the last relationship was really the LAST one. Plus, it's even harder to find someone you're compatible with when you're older.

 

I'm having a hard time with my breakup too. Still trying to hang in there though. Congrats on your 10 months of NC. I broke NC and I really really wish I'd kept it.

[Ruby_shoes]

I'm in my 20's. It's still hard, but I am focused on the future! A month in (nearly) and although the frequency of thought is still there the intensity of emotion waxes and wanes. Distract myself however I can and try to be the peorson I want to be. Well done GG, 10 months! That's great. Sorry to hear of your hurt sunset, at least you know now though!

[Lemon Drop]

It probably relates to how much we cared about them. You can be stone cold sick of someone and not miss them once after the break up, but miss the crap out of someone else you were not over for a long time.

 

I never got over my HS sweetheart, till I married him. That did the trick after several years, ha! That's probably the difference, we never get the chance to live out the entire relationship with the MM.

 

Your life sounds amazing and you should be proud of yourself for living your life fully despite your loss. Cheers!

[carhill]

My experience is that it was much easier as an older person. Perhaps my experience is unique because I can compare the process with the same person twice. Definitely easier and more complete when older IMO. Perhaps there's something to be said for life experience and the lessons it teaches.

 

However, someone who had never experienced recovery would not have a frame of reference so it could definitely seem to be difficult, and is, in their experience. That's what they know, and is valid for them.

 

In the OP's case, there's also the additional loss of one's spouse and the attendant grief of death.

 

ETA, in the latter instance, I was completely recovered (no thoughts/feelings) in a little over a year, compared to a multi-year depression and no definable and complete recovery (IMO) in the past. Time elapsed between relevant recovery periods, about 17 years.

Edited October 27, 2011 by carhill

[Gentlegirl]

My experience is that it was much easier as an older person. Perhaps my experience is unique because I can compare the process with the same person twice. Definitely easier and more complete when older IMO. Perhaps there's something to be said for life experience and the lessons it teaches.

 

However, someone who had never experienced recovery would not have a frame of reference so it could definitely seem to be difficult, and is, in their experience. That's what they know, and is valid for them.

 

In the OP's case, there's also the additional loss of one's spouse and the attendant grief of death.

 

ETA, in the latter instance, I was completely recovered (no thoughts/feelings) in a little over a year, compared to a multi-year depression and no definable and complete recovery (IMO) in the past. Time elapsed between relevant recovery periods, about 17 years.

 

 

I guess I have many factors to consider.

 

I was married to my late husband for 31 years, then MM was in my life... now suddenly nobody.

 

It's a matter of adjusting to being just "ONE" as well. I have never been alone in my life before. Very difficult to come to terms with.

 

I am busy and have a fabulous position in my profession, financially very comfortable. I want to for nothing material.

 

Just don't seem to belong anywhere .

 

Thanks to you and everybody else for your thoughtful answers.

 

GG

[carhill]

If you've never been alone, that makes sense. I've lived alone most of my life so my experience would definitely differ.

 

ETA, one significant nuance I've noted from losing three women I had loved in one year (affair partner, wife and mother (to death)) was the odd occurrence of occasionally thinking 'I love......(the set of zero). There are no more 'you's'. Interesting.

Edited October 27, 2011 by carhill

[Summer Breeze]

My experience is that it was much easier as an older person. Perhaps my experience is unique because I can compare the process with the same person twice. Definitely easier and more complete when older IMO. Perhaps there's something to be said for life experience and the lessons it teaches.

 

However, someone who had never experienced recovery would not have a frame of reference so it could definitely seem to be difficult, and is, in their experience. That's what they know, and is valid for them.

 

In the OP's case, there's also the additional loss of one's spouse and the attendant grief of death.

 

ETA, in the latter instance, I was completely recovered (no thoughts/feelings) in a little over a year, compared to a multi-year depression and no definable and complete recovery (IMO) in the past. Time elapsed between relevant recovery periods, about 17 years.

 

I know this is threadjacking and I could get reprimanded for this but I just have to say it.

 

I love you Carhill. I think I want to marry you.

[carhill]

There are two parallel lines, one with guns and one with love

 

This tends to happen with age

 

OP, I've read a lot of your postings and truly believe that your life experience and perspective on living and people will serve you well in your grief and recovery process. I got a chance to watch the process first hand with my mom after she cared for my dad for about six years before he died. She had it rough for a year or two but was back in stride by the time she was 65 and had another great 15 years until her stroke. It'll work out

[Gentlegirl]

I know this is threadjacking and I could get reprimanded for this but I just have to say it.

 

I love you Carhill. I think I want to marry you.

 

CAN'T HAVE HIM... I want him:bunny:

 

GG