lorien Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 My boyfriend of almost 10 months broke up with me a little less than a month ago after telling me that he cheated on me at a party the night before. I was initially devastated, but willing to forgive him because he seemed truly sorry and I felt like he was letting me go because he cared about me and didn't want me to get hurt any more (despite what he did I still would have tried to hold on to our relationship if he hadn't ended it). We agreed to try and stay friends, because he said that he was avoiding the girl who he cheated on me with, which made me not as upset. However, recently I found out that they have become very good friends and that he has been going over to her house, etc. He doesn't seem to see why I am bothered by this, since they are "just friends." But now that he is being friends with her I can't help but feel like he didn't really care about me that much after all, and that he only wants me to feel better so that he can stop feeling guilty about what he did. I just deleted him off of facebook and stopped contact with him 2 days ago. I don't want to feel like I am pushing him out of my life since he was my first love, but I don't know if there is any way I can get over him if I don't stop all contact with him. I really don't know what to do. Should I just try and forget that he ever existed?
LSgirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I would forget about him. The fact that he cheated on you with her and then ended it with you and remains friends with her, shows that he was in fact sorry for what he did and felt guilty but is still showing interest in her and has moved on. I wouldn't give him the time of day.
geegirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) he only wants me to feel better so that he can stop feeling guilty about what he did So far, he's pretty much confirmed that he is a cheat and a liar. Yes, he was sorry to make you feel better and that in turn alleviates his guilt. Then he lies and says he is avoiding that woman when he is actually entertaining her as a "friend". He may be your first love but that is no reason to justify having this sort of person in your life. If he acted with integrity, I would understand cutting him from your life since he was your first love. But for someone of this character type, you are better off without. "Pushing him out of your life?" He did that when he cheated on you. He had no care or consideration for you or who you were in his life at the time. None. You don't have to extend the same. Extend loyalty, compassion, kindness, empathy when someone is deserving. Edited October 26, 2011 by geegirl
Author lorien Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 I should clarify that he initially said he was planning on avoiding her (in the week after the breakup), but a little while after they started becoming friends, and he admitted it when I asked him about it. So he didn't lie and tell me that he was avoiding her when he actually wasn't, he just decided not to hold true to what he said he was planning on doing. Which I realize is still bad. And thank you; I guess what you have said is true about him being the one who pushed me out of his life first. That makes things a little easier to deal with.
wilsonx Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I should clarify that he initially said he was planning on avoiding her (in the week after the breakup), but a little while after they started becoming friends, and he admitted it when I asked him about it. So he didn't lie and tell me that he was avoiding her when he actually wasn't, he just decided not to hold true to what he said he was planning on doing. Which I realize is still bad. . Kick him off the pedestal, this is gaslighting plain and simple.
geegirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I should clarify that he initially said he was planning on avoiding her (in the week after the breakup), but a little while after they started becoming friends, and he admitted it when I asked him about it. So he didn't lie and tell me that he was avoiding her when he actually wasn't, he just decided not to hold true to what he said he was planning on doing. Which I realize is still bad. Technicalities. Fact is that he never held true to his word. If you had not asked him about her, do you think he would have been forthcoming about his "friendship" with her? No. And he said he was going to avoid her, only because he was telling you what you wanted to hear. If he is apologizing profusely about cheating, do you think he would be telling you that he will be seeing her again? No. He would be telling you he is going to avoid her to make his apology seem legitimate and keep him good in your eyes.
Author lorien Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 I guess I never really thought about it like that since I always wanted to believe that he really was good because it sucks to think that I could have been so wrong about him... but when you put it that way it really does make a lot of sense. Thanks =) I'm still sort of convinced that he really was sorry at the time though, because he never seemed like the type to cry but he actually broke down crying while we were sitting in his car outside my house waiting for me to stop crying... I guess his feelings just changed really quickly? I don't want to sound like I'm trying to defend him, I just can't get the memory of him crying out of my head, because it made me feel sorry for him at the time...
geegirl Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 (edited) I guess I never really thought about it like that since I always wanted to believe that he really was good because it sucks to think that I could have been so wrong about him... but when you put it that way it really does make a lot of sense. Thanks =) I'm still sort of convinced that he really was sorry at the time though, because he never seemed like the type to cry but he actually broke down crying while we were sitting in his car outside my house waiting for me to stop crying... I guess his feelings just changed really quickly? I don't want to sound like I'm trying to defend him, I just can't get the memory of him crying out of my head, because it made me feel sorry for him at the time... I believe you want to convince yourself because that will give you the validation that you meant something to him, that the R was true. You felt sorry because he was crying? Did he feel sorry for you when he was laying with another woman? No. While he was frolicking with her, did not care or even consider you. No. When he went back to her under the guise of "friends", while holding the truth from you, did he feel sorry for you? No. He shed some tears and you feel sorry? Don't. Look at his actions. Not his words or tears. Accept his apology and move on. Edited October 27, 2011 by geegirl
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