RBranson Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 This is a very long story. The advice I've seen on this board is fantastic, and I need some badly. My now ex and I were together for almost 3 years. Shared 3 different apartments together. Had 2 dogs. She's a few years older (almost 30) while I'm in my mid 20's. She makes a lot more money than me, and money was always an issue between us that I felt burdened by/guilty about. Not because of her, at all, but just because of my own ideas of what the man's role is in the relationship (rightly or wrongly). I hated not being the bread winner. I think it's because of this that I may have sent mixed signals about getting engaged, married, etc. I just didn't feel ready until my financial ducks were in a row. I wanted to be able to take care of her/a possible future family in every way. As an example, a few weeks before we broke up, she wanted to look at condos. I told her I wasn't comfortable with that right now. Possibly a bad move. We fought a lot about this, actually, with her trying to get me to see she didn't care about how much money I was making (when we first met, I was literally jobless, and now I have a good career making good money, though just not nearly as much as she does). I regret the fact that I often refused to believe her about that. Anyway, her and I still had extensive conversations about engagement, marriage, kids. I've spent holidays with her family and my family, who lives in our area, loves her. We went engagement ring shopping. She told people that we were "engaged to be engaged." We had our difficulties from time to time. I could get too impatient, overly critical. She could be emasculating/hurtful in her own way. We butted heads sometimes. But we always remained committed to the relationship and usually had really good post-argument/fight communication. We'd talk everything out. We were best friends, and there was definitely some very serious and very deep love between us. In the weeks leading up to our breakup we were getting into arguments over petty things. I started to check out. I was thinking of other women I know, wondering what it would be like if we broke up, wondering if I could even do that. I really needed something to change. Four days before she left me I had a bit of a breakdown. Telling her I was really unhappy and not sure what to do. We talked it out. She sobbed and told me everything she loved about our relationship. How she couldn't imagine her life without me. I returned the sentiment. In the days after this conversation we got into more bad arguments. We made up after each one, but tensions were high. Then on Friday, she tells me she's unhappy. She's through. She doesn't love me the "same way." We cry and argue and she eventually leaves to her friend's place. She requests that I have my stuff out of the apartment by Sunday, two days later, a request that doesn't register with me immediately. We share an apartment together, and we're both on the lease. Anyway-- I'm devastated. The logical side of me thinks this is for the best if her and I want to continue, which I still agree with, but at the same time, this is the woman I love who's leaving. Here's where things get more difficult. The night she left I sent her a loving text, but also that she needed to get in touch with me to talk logistics because I didn't have a place to go immediately. I couldn't just move out on the drop of a hat. I don't hear from her at all. The next day I only hear from her mother. Throughout the day her mom keeps checking in on my progress of moving out. It's devastating. Her mom and I were close, but she had no place to be covering for her daughter like that, or to be trying to usher me along in moving out of my own apartment. As I mentioned earlier, my ex is almost 30. She is an adult. I just don't respond to any of it. I proceed to move some of my stuff out and bring it to my one friend's place who I finally got in touch with. I leave at about 5pm. A little after this, my mom calls and lets me know she got a phone call from the ex. The ex had left a message saying something along the lines of, "I need to know if (my name) is out of the apartment, I don't want to have to bring police with me to find out, we need to all be adults about this." So she not only pulled my mother into the situation, but she threatened to involve police. And the condescension about needing to be adults is just beyond me. It goes without saying there has never been even a hint of domestic violence between us. She then leaves the same voice message on my phone. A little while later I text to let her know that I have moved some of my stuff out of the apartment, that I will get the rest later that week, and that I will bring our dogs by later that night. I don't mention her voice messages. When I get to our apartment with the dogs, I open the door and see that she has brought this married couple we know over (not sure why, I guess in place of not getting actual police??). These are people we're friends with, and now they're in my apartment for unknown reasons while I'm trying to work out my breakup. I also see that she has put all of my things haphazardly in trash bags in a giant bin. The giant bin is now in the middle of our kitchen. Outside, privately, I ask her what the hell she's doing. She's very cold--says "I gave you two days to move out. You didn't. Tomorrow I'm going to change the locks and kick you off the lease. Your stuff will be in storage where you can get it there." At this point I'm not really processing anything. She has a different look in her eyes. I'm trying to see where the girl I knew a few days ago had gone. I try to reason with her. She starts demanding my keys, and I tell her I will bring them down to our doorman with her. So we go down the elevator together and do this. She goes back upstairs, with tears in her eyes. I'm still in shock. A few moments later, her married friends bring my stuff down in this bin. It's in the lobby, and evidently, there's no storage at all. I call my ex who is now upstairs and let her know that there is no storage, that my stuff is just in the lobby, and that I need to bring it back up to leave there for the next few days. She starts yelling into the phone about how we broke up, how I need to take it somewhere, how she's going to kick me off of our lease tomorrow (something she's not able to do). She is being completely outrageous. Screaming into the phone. It's like a different person. Meanwhile I'm downstairs, people walking in and out, and all of my stuff is just in this giant bin. Completely embarrassing. Because the leasing office is closed, our doorman's hands are tied, and he refuses to let me back up. Until over an our later when I finally reach a family friend (and its past midnight at this point), I'm downstairs with my trashbags of stuff. In our private conversation in the hall before we went downstairs, we had agreed to talk on Tuesday about "us," and she said she "knows I need closure" so she's willing to do that. But on Monday (a day after having my stuff thrown in our lobby), I had to stop by the apartment building to pick up some laundry and mail. I ask her if she wants to just talk about us then. She says no, that she's going to bed. Then I realize I don't have my mail key. I go to look at my phone again to call her, and I see I have a text from her, "accidentally," that says "If he doesn't get a grip I'm going to have to move and not say anything!" I'm in shock. Why does it seem like she's trying so hard for me to be a psycho? A text like that would be appropriate maybe for a boyfriend who hasn't stopped calling/showing up at someones residence every day for weeks. Not to someone who lives there and was in a relationship with you just days before. In addition to that, I hadn't been ringing her off the hook or texting or doing anything needy whatsoever...things that could have the slightest chance of warranting a response like that. Anyway, I write her back and ask her what she's doing, and that I need my mail key. No response. So I tell our doorman to give me the spare key, and I go up to our apartment. When I open the door, she's standing there on the phone. All of a sudden she starts screaming at me to get out, that I can't just "barge in" (again--this is my apartment too, and me not insisting on staying there while I get my end worked out is purely out of respect). Then, she puts her parents on speaker phone. People who hosted me for weeks during holidays. Her parents start screaming, via speaker phone, for me to get out of the apartment, and that if I don't, they're going to call the police. I'm stunned, this is out of the Twilight Zone. The three of them all screaming at me to get out. Her parents cursing at me from a speakerphone. I can tell the ex is getting embarrassed, but she doesn't really do anything to stop their behavior. Again, I have no idea why these people are even involved. Finally her parents say they aren't really going to call the police. That they were just bluffing. The situation cools a bit. I leave with my mail key. When I go down to get the mail, I'm obviously in disbelief at it all. Nothing is registering. I see she has a package marked urgent, so I decide to bring it back upstairs to her, a last attempt at some normalcy. This time I knock on the door instead of using my key to "barge in" (I know--I'm coming across like a doormat). She opens it with tears in her eyes, says how out of control that was, and I agree. A few moments later the phone rings and the police are there. Her parents had lied about not calling them. The police come up, talk to us separately, and leave within minutes. Insane. Me still not fully processing what's transpired, her and I decide to talk for a bit after the police come. We talk about us, I tell her things that I had been wanting to say to her that I had been thinking of, things that I would do differently if we were to continue (before all of the above madness happened). She says things like "I can't believe you're saying this now," or "I feel like this is the first time I've heard this" (which was in response to me saying that I wanted to be married to her before I was 30). She again reiterates that she "loves me differently," giving me an "it's too late" vibe. Over the next few days, we see each other a few times. She has the dogs at the apartment, and one night her and I go on a walk with them. I'm just a confident goofball, keep it really light-hearted. I don't really talk about our relationship or how insane I think she acted. We both agree walking the dogs together was nice. She cries. I don't. She hints at being annoyed with how good of a mood I'm in. Then the following weekend, I told her I wanted to come take our dogs out, and she let me know that she doesn't want me to see them alone because she's afraid I'll "steal them and use them for leverage" if I do. This, mind you, was just 2 days after I had taken them out, on my own, without her being at the apartment. And she had known I took them out and brought them back. My mind is once again blown. It's been a few weeks since that discussion. Her and I have exchanged a few texts, a few phone calls, and have seen each other once or twice. For a little while, I ignored how she had acted, compartmentalized it, and wrote her things about how much I loved her, reiterated concrete plans for how I saw our future, etc. It wasn't overload (I don't think), just matter of fact. As I mentioned before, I haven't rang her off the hook or acted in a particularly needy way. At all. In fact, me taking the "high road" in dealing with her this entire time, or maybe just being walked on without really reacting to her crazy behavior with craziness of my own, has been one of the few things I can find solace in. Here's my dilemma--For as terribly as I feel my ex has acted after the breakup, I still love her. I want to work this out with her (assuming she said all the right things, if that option even presented itself). I know that all of the above cannot possibly be who she is. I shared a bed with this person for almost 3 years. My friends keep telling me I dodged a huge bullet, because our dogs could have been kids, and our apartment could have been a house. But I do want to work things out with her, I just have no idea what to do. I've been giving her space, not completely NC, but limited, and already it seems like she's trying to compensate for how she's acted by trying to be nice. I've just been emotionless. In addition to that, every time we talk on the phone, or if we see each other in person, she cries. The most recent time was 3 weeks after the breakup (it's been a little over a month now). I do not mean that I've been getting feelings from her that she's regretting this. In fact, she told me that she doesn't "miss me the right way," and that she would if she regretted the break up. My thought to that was "not yet, you don't" but I'm sure everyone would think something like that in this situation. How can a woman say she doesn't love you the same way, that maybe she never loved you "enough" (which she also said--extremely hurtful to hear), and then act so outrageously? Why can't she keep from crying when she seems me in person or if we happen to talk on the phone? Wouldn't someone who says those things act out indifference, and not act so unstable? The above story feels like a chain of events that would have transpired if she caught me in bed with her best friend. Or maybe if she had been the one who was dumped by surprise. None of it makes sense to me. Also, I don't see why she feels the need to keep "upping the ante" (as with our dog situation)/why it seems she wants to badly to make me out to be a terrible person and create drama. By the way, there was no infidelity either end. She wasn't pregnant, she didn't come down with an illness, there wasn't anything that could have explained this (her post-breakup behavior, not the breakup itself). I've actually emailed her and rationally listed what she's done, telling her it doesn't make sense, and told her I wanted an explanation one day. She recently told me that that she's going to find time for us to talk in person about it (which I also don't understand, because up until that message a few days ago she's refused to see me in person as much as she could). This is in addition to the fact a few weeks ago she told me she thinks about how she acted all the time and that she feels terribly about it. She just has provided zero explanation for why, and that part is almost worse than the actual breakup for me right now. Any thoughts? I'd really, really appreciate any at all. Thanks very much for reading.
flitzanu Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 wow. well, first things first... 1. back the F'K off. she's being psycho, and ALL you are going to do is enrage her and enable her behavior by being in contact. as long as you're honest with what's happened, you haven't sounded to do anything threatening or unreasonable, and she's being nutso. the only way she can be nutso though...is for you to interact. so don't interact. 2. also get your dogs, she seriously sounds like she may kill them and eat them in her craziness. calling the cops on you was pretty low. now... #3 is rare for me to say...because people are responsible for their own decisions....BUT.........the way her parents are involved sounds like she's being a little influenced. that doesn't excuse her behavior. it does mean though, that she's now convinced everyone involved on her side that YOU are the crazy one. it's typical though, it's an easy way to beard her own behavior. get your stuff...walk away, go NC. she needs help that you can't give right now.
Author RBranson Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Thanks for the input. I was definitely 100% honest about my side. I did nothing to warrant any of it...it's hard to imagine a scenario when anyone doing anything could, other than, as I said, being caught in bed with a best friend. Or something along those lines. But you seem to have a similar reaction to this situation that my entire friend/family group has had... Why did she act like this though? What is going on? Do any females have perspective on this? I really need some help here. It's been a mind****. And like I said, I want to work things out with her if she comes around and gives me some explanations. Nothing makes any sense, other, strangely, than us breaking up in the first place. And it's hard for me to even mourn that aspect right now because I just don't know who I'm dealing with. Additionally, it's hard to just walk away, because we're so intertwined (including with these dogs we own), that it's difficult to make a clean break. It feels more on the scale of a divorce. But I do want to work it out if that opportunity arises. Am I crazy for that?
flitzanu Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 well, i can't call you crazy for hopin that reconciliation can happen, but don't count on it. also, she's never going to give you closure, she's never going to tell you anything that makes sense. *never = 99% never. for whatever reason though, she doesn't want to be with you. so instead of beating yourself up and going crazy trying to figure out any reasons, just do your best to walk away and STOP all contact. when women break relationships, it is not uncommon for them to just go totally psycho in order to make YOU hate her, and in turn, keep you very far away from her. she probably knows or feels that maybe you could influence her, and to avoid that, she's going to push you HARD. above all man, it's a sad spot. do what you must, but your best move is to disappear.
joseph17 Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 wow this girl went phsyco. And her parents screaming at you over the pone and then calling the cops is outrageous. Sounds to me like they were the ones behind it all. And for everyone to be on her side is crazy. Friends you know to supervise is just stupid and the thought you would kidnap your dogs is nuts. I wouldn't contact her for a while and let her get a dose of her own medicine
SWAN808 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 really hard to make sense of. sorry to hear about this - what an absolute nightmare. complete head-**** You are there now. It happened. Even tho you still love her and want to make things work - could you REALLY forgive and trust her again after that madness? She flipped out in a serious way. Maybe her parents were involved. Maybe it was the age issue and she was not entirely sure about the relationship. Maybe she herself doesnt really understand. It sounds like she has had some confusing feelings - and acted on them in the most uncool way she possibly could have. It really delivers a huge lack of respect for you to be like that - but also - a big weakness. Sorry - but I just dont buy the 'woman acting psycho' excuse - men or women should NOT behave like that. You need to keep good council and have good people around you for now - and leave her well alone. Im not sure anyone will know the answer to this - but it sounds like you have done your best to deal with it. If you really do want things to work out - your best shot will be to back off completely for a while. That is the best idea for any eventuality I should think - although very difficult. I would try to go and stay with family or something...get away...
Recommended Posts