Ocassional pot smoker and a non smoker

[4givrnt4gtr]

Can a pot smoker date a non-pot smoker?

Would you date a pot smoker who lied about it?

Edited October 26, 2011 by 4givrnt4gtr

[cerridwen]

It depends on how often the pot smoker smokes.

Obviously, the greater the frequency, the higher the chance of it being a problem with the non-pot smoker.

 

I know a couple for whom it wasn't a problem but he smoked only occasionally.

 

I myself wouldn't date a smoker of any sort, liar or not.

[skelterhelter]

I'm dating a heavy pot smoker and I can honestly say it's a lot more trouble than it's worth, depending on your outlook. He admitted to me that he smoked pot during the first week of our relationship because he felt guilty while doing it, knowing very well I didn't like it and had such strong feelings against any kind of drug use. He basically wanted to come clean and be honest with me. I have no problem with OCCASIONAL pot use (say, once or twice a month), but I draw the line at anything excessive. I feel it truly interferes with the relationship, especially when one partner doesn't toke up. The non-smoker will ALWAYS come second to the pot. The smoker will sneak around to get it and toke up with the friends; invest a lot of his/her money into it, becoming financially irresponsible as a result; lying about their whereabouts in order to indulge their habit without feeling guilt; hanging around shady people who support the pot smoking... I've dealt with it all. And because I'm the non-smoker, I'm the one who's always left out. Sometimes I feel like I'm too uncool or something, like I'm a buzzkill that interferes with his pot smoking. We've fought about this many times, and deep down I realize the relationship would be a lot stronger if the pot smoking issue wasn't there. Long story short... don't get involved if you know it's a dealbreaker for you. Unfortunately, I've developed feelings for the guy so it's harder to just up and leave him; it makes it a helluva lot more complicated! Examine how you feel. Would it bother you to be second best to a plant? Could you deal with the lying and sneaking around? Some pot smokers know how to balance their smoking with the rest of their lives -- they can work, hold relationships, etc. A lot cannot. Just something to consider

Edited October 27, 2011 by skelterhelter

[Cypress25]

Can a pot smoker date a non-pot smoker?

 

Yes. I know because I did it. I'm a non-smoker and my last boyfriend was a pothead, to be honest. It didn't bother me because pot had absolutely no effect on him. I know that's a bad sign; it means he'd been smoking pot for so long that he built up a tolerance to it. But he was the same person whether he was stoned or not. It didn't even slow him down.

 

He said it relaxed him, and he knew he would never get high again, no matter how much he smoked. He said he was OK with that because getting high wasn't his goal. It didn't interfere with our relationship because I didn't make it an issue. He was free to smoke in front of me if he wanted, he knew I wouldn't lecture him or disapprove of him, he didn't have to lie about it, he didn't have to sneak around. He was very considerate about it, he didn't blow smoke in my face or anything.

 

That said, I would not want to date someone who acted stoned all the time. If my boyfriend was the type to be affected by pot, I wouldn't have enjoyed being around him when he was smoking. But I couldn't tell the difference in his behavior, so I always enjoyed being around him.

 

If one person in a relationship is judgmental of their partner, about anything, it's going to cause problems. I'm not a judgmental person, so it was OK. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs, but some of my friends do and that's fine. I want them to be safe, of course, but each to his own.

[Lil1]

1. Can a pot smoker date a non-pot smoker?

 

2. Would you date a pot smoker who lied about it?

 

 

1. Yes, as long as the non smoker is ok with it and doesn't cause the pot smoker too much grief over it, also as long as the pot smoker isn't baked 24/7. That's just unhealthy. Moderation is key.

 

2. No. Lying is never the right approach.

[skelterhelter]

If one person in a relationship is judgmental of their partner, about anything, it's going to cause problems. I'm not a judgmental person, so it was OK. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs, but some of my friends do and that's fine. I want them to be safe, of course, but each to his own.

 

You seem like a patient person, Cypress. And your ex knew how to balance a relationship with his pot smoking. I think the fact that he respected your feelings on the issue, as well as not having an unhealthy relationship with pot, worked in your favor. Sometimes I worry I'm being too much of a nag, too judgemental. And I honestly would NOT care if the pot smoking was done in moderation and I wasn't being put on the back burner for it. Maybe I have such strong feelings of dislike for it because of my family history; growing up as the only sober one in a family of addicts is hard and very frustrating/upsetting. In my personal experience, it's hard to find potheads who can balance relationships with their habit (and this includes friendships, because I've had friends who've ditched me to go smoke. Talk about rude!). It's hard not to take that personally.

[Symetrical-Siren]

I'm a non-smoker.....however, I myself used to partake, so I know how it is. The only reason I don't smoke is because I am allergic.

 

If the person was someone I was dating, and they were honest with me....as long as we could work something out like: they only smoke when we're apart for hours, or if he'd use one of those Vapo-King inhalers. Any kind of smoke gives me sinusitis, so I can't be exposed to it at all.

 

If he's willing to work with me, then there's no reason for me to discriminate.

 

However, if you LIE to me to begin with; GAME OVER. You fuct up. If I can't trust you on that, I WON'T trust you on anything else either.

[Lauriebell82]

I'm an addictions counselor so obviously I would never get involved with a pot smoker.

 

A pot smoker who lies about it is even worse, because that means it's more then just an "occasional" recreational thing. He has something to hide if he lies, which means he has a drug problem. Guys like this are trouble.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Tank you for your answers guys.

I just found out last week that the guy Ive been dating for over a year and a half has been smoking pot behind my back. I found pot in his mother's house (we currently live together but he goes to his mom's to "visit")

It broke my heart because we had planned to get married etc. However Im glad all this came out sooner rather than later. I struggled for almost a whole week about the issue. For one Im DEFINITELY anti-drugs...I dont care what type. And then...the lying...

ANd then!....When i originally asked him to stop he said he didn't feel like he was at a place where he could stop....so i told him that in that case, I respected his decision but I could not be with a drug user, so I had to go. He then said he would do his best to stop and start therapy (as I have been asking him to do for the past year because of a very traumatic childhood). He agreed and I thought we had a fighting chance.

 

Well, Sunday he tells me he doesn't want to dissapoint me, that he doesn't think he can tell me he will stop and he doesn;t think therapy will help. I thought about it, and before compromising myself over this relationship (I had began to consider trying it), I called it quits.

 

Now, we're still in the same apartment because I have nowhere to go and he refuses to go back to his mother's house. Im desperately looking for a place to move to, especially because it seems like he is in total denial. For instance, when we were together we had a deal that he did the laundry and I put it away. Well, yesterday while i was in school/work he texted me letting me know he was doing our laundry...i told him not to do mine but he did it anyway. TOday he texted me asking me if i wanted dinner, like he used to do when we were together, and then texted me letting me know he is taking my dog out for a walk.

All this is making me very uncomfortable and don't know how to handle it.

I feel bad because I still care for him but i know our relationship is not going to work. I feel like he is trying to pretend nothing is wrong and we're not over. Its kinda nerve wrecking and I dont know how to handle it!

[eerie_reverie]

Yes. I know because I did it. I'm a non-smoker and my last boyfriend was a pothead, to be honest. It didn't bother me because pot had absolutely no effect on him. I know that's a bad sign; it means he'd been smoking pot for so long that he built up a tolerance to it. But he was the same person whether he was stoned or not. It didn't even slow him down.

 

He said it relaxed him, and he knew he would never get high again, no matter how much he smoked. He said he was OK with that because getting high wasn't his goal. It didn't interfere with our relationship because I didn't make it an issue. He was free to smoke in front of me if he wanted, he knew I wouldn't lecture him or disapprove of him, he didn't have to lie about it, he didn't have to sneak around. He was very considerate about it, he didn't blow smoke in my face or anything.

 

That said, I would not want to date someone who acted stoned all the time. If my boyfriend was the type to be affected by pot, I wouldn't have enjoyed being around him when he was smoking. But I couldn't tell the difference in his behavior, so I always enjoyed being around him.

 

If one person in a relationship is judgmental of their partner, about anything, it's going to cause problems. I'm not a judgmental person, so it was OK. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs, but some of my friends do and that's fine. I want them to be safe, of course, but each to his own.

 

 

This is how all of my recent relationships have been, with me being the smoker.

Edited November 6, 2011 by eerie_reverie

[kalilavey]

1. Yes, as long as the non smoker is ok with it and doesn't cause the pot smoker too much grief over it, also as long as the pot smoker isn't baked 24/7. That's just unhealthy. Moderation is key.

 

2. No. Lying is never the right approach.

 

 

agreed, its a personal choice.. just like drinking a beer after work its for relaxation and thats all. I dont really understand why it would cause a problem unless the pot smoker was blowing the smoke into the non smokers face...pot isnt a physically addicting drug and yes moderation is very important but if someone chooses to smoke often it still shouldnt be a huge problem, pot doesnt change people in an extreme way the way alcohol or any other detrimental drug do, if anything it dumbs them down temporarily and makes them forget small bits of short term memory here and there... (legalize it lol)

And when the pot smoker decides its necessary to hide it that just means they feel like if the nonsmoker found out the relationship may be over. Lying is completely wrong but maybe the nonsmoker is being a bit controlling and the smoker hides it because its truly not that big of an issue but as austin omalley once said the more permissive you make little white lies the more color blind you become ( or something like that)

[kalilavey]

Tank you for your answers guys.

I just found out last week that the guy Ive been dating for over a year and a half has been smoking pot behind my back. I found pot in his mother's house (we currently live together but he goes to his mom's to "visit")

It broke my heart because we had planned to get married etc. However Im glad all this came out sooner rather than later. I struggled for almost a whole week about the issue. For one Im DEFINITELY anti-drugs...I dont care what type. And then...the lying...

ANd then!....When i originally asked him to stop he said he didn't feel like he was at a place where he could stop....so i told him that in that case, I respected his decision but I could not be with a drug user, so I had to go. He then said he would do his best to stop and start therapy (as I have been asking him to do for the past year because of a very traumatic childhood). He agreed and I thought we had a fighting chance.

 

Well, Sunday he tells me he doesn't want to dissapoint me, that he doesn't think he can tell me he will stop and he doesn;t think therapy will help. I thought about it, and before compromising myself over this relationship (I had began to consider trying it), I called it quits.

 

Now, we're still in the same apartment because I have nowhere to go and he refuses to go back to his mother's house. Im desperately looking for a place to move to, especially because it seems like he is in total denial. For instance, when we were together we had a deal that he did the laundry and I put it away. Well, yesterday while i was in school/work he texted me letting me know he was doing our laundry...i told him not to do mine but he did it anyway. TOday he texted me asking me if i wanted dinner, like he used to do when we were together, and then texted me letting me know he is taking my dog out for a walk.

All this is making me very uncomfortable and don't know how to handle it.

I feel bad because I still care for him but i know our relationship is not going to work. I feel like he is trying to pretend nothing is wrong and we're not over. Its kinda nerve wrecking and I dont know how to handle it!

 

Hes Human!!!! just like you and me. Why use his weakness against him like that? he obviously has a problem but you cant just control his life and every aspect of it. It sounds like he does need therapy but your not the one who decides that for him, he is. If you cant deal with someone smoking the most harmless 'drug' then you obviously need someone with your same values but truthfully I dont get why you dislike it so much. at least hes not an alcoholic or meth head or crackhead... thats pretty much his equivalent of having a beer every once in a while and if he goes to his moms to smoke it maybe thats a bonding thing that they have and he doesnt want to lose that... I dont know just give him a break hes human he makes mistakes and he shouldnt be put in the doghouse for being honest with you ...

[skelterhelter]

agreed, its a personal choice.. just like drinking a beer after work its for relaxation and thats all. I dont really understand why it would cause a problem unless the pot smoker was blowing the smoke into the non smokers face...pot isnt a physically addicting drug and yes moderation is very important but if someone chooses to smoke often it still shouldnt be a huge problem, pot doesnt change people in an extreme way the way alcohol or any other detrimental drug do, if anything it dumbs them down temporarily and makes them forget small bits of short term memory here and there... (legalize it lol)

And when the pot smoker decides its necessary to hide it that just means they feel like if the nonsmoker found out the relationship may be over. Lying is completely wrong but maybe the nonsmoker is being a bit controlling and the smoker hides it because its truly not that big of an issue but as austin omalley once said the more permissive you make little white lies the more color blind you become ( or something like that)

 

I have to respectfully disagree that pot smoking isn't addictive. While it may not be physically addictive, it's hard to dispute the fact that it DOES hold some psychological importance for the smoker. I've known smokers who like to smoke as soon as they wake up, before they go to work, before bed... I've known smokers who spend most of their paychecks on it, even when they're financially struggling....I've known smokers who will ditch their good friends/significant others of many years (who just so happen to be non-smokers) because they want to toke up. It's like they can't even have a good time without it! I dunno...maybe it's just my experience, but the pot smokers I've met certainly seem addicted. If they weren't addicted, there wouldn't be any reason for those behaviors listed above. If they weren't addicted, they could balance the pot with the rest of their lives without giving the shaft to the people who love them. I'm sorry, but my relationships and friendships come before any plant. Not attacking you...just my opinion

 

I assume you smoke, kalilavey. I'm curious as to what your experiences have been like dating a non-smoker. So you're saying the reason a smoker would lie and hide their habit is because they actually WANT to save the relationship? And how did you feel when the non-smoker expressed dislike in the pot smoking (if indeed that ever happened)? Were you resentful or were you willing to listen to their side because you cared about them? Would you say you'd be willing to give it up for them, or would you want to have both in your life simultaneously?

[Heart On]

Yes. I know because I did it. I'm a non-smoker and my last boyfriend was a pothead, to be honest. It didn't bother me because pot had absolutely no effect on him. I know that's a bad sign; it means he'd been smoking pot for so long that he built up a tolerance to it. But he was the same person whether he was stoned or not. It didn't even slow him down.

 

He said it relaxed him, and he knew he would never get high again, no matter how much he smoked. He said he was OK with that because getting high wasn't his goal. It didn't interfere with our relationship because I didn't make it an issue. He was free to smoke in front of me if he wanted, he knew I wouldn't lecture him or disapprove of him, he didn't have to lie about it, he didn't have to sneak around. He was very considerate about it, he didn't blow smoke in my face or anything.

 

That said, I would not want to date someone who acted stoned all the time. If my boyfriend was the type to be affected by pot, I wouldn't have enjoyed being around him when he was smoking. But I couldn't tell the difference in his behavior, so I always enjoyed being around him.

 

If one person in a relationship is judgmental of their partner, about anything, it's going to cause problems. I'm not a judgmental person, so it was OK. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs, but some of my friends do and that's fine. I want them to be safe, of course, but each to his own.

 

Standing Ovation for this post!:D:D

[kalilavey]

I have to respectfully disagree that pot smoking isn't addictive. While it may not be physically addictive, it's hard to dispute the fact that it DOES hold some psychological importance for the smoker. I've known smokers who like to smoke as soon as they wake up, before they go to work, before bed... I've known smokers who spend most of their paychecks on it, even when they're financially struggling....I've known smokers who will ditch their good friends/significant others of many years (who just so happen to be non-smokers) because they want to toke up. It's like they can't even have a good time without it! I dunno...maybe it's just my experience, but the pot smokers I've met certainly seem addicted. If they weren't addicted, there wouldn't be any reason for those behaviors listed above. If they weren't addicted, they could balance the pot with the rest of their lives without giving the shaft to the people who love them. I'm sorry, but my relationships and friendships come before any plant. Not attacking you...just my opinion

 

I assume you smoke, kalilavey. I'm curious as to what your experiences have been like dating a non-smoker. So you're saying the reason a smoker would lie and hide their habit is because they actually WANT to save the relationship? And how did you feel when the non-smoker expressed dislike in the pot smoking (if indeed that ever happened)? Were you resentful or were you willing to listen to their side because you cared about them? Would you say you'd be willing to give it up for them, or would you want to have both in your life simultaneously?

 

like i said above its not Physically addictive, I cant speak for those who have no will power whatsoever... anything can be termed mentally addictive; caffiene, fast food, even exercise. but yes i do smoke and yes i have been in a relationship where my boyfiend quit smoking and yes it did cause problems but only because he was becoming a control freak...

 

he wanted me to quit pot just because he made the decision to quit...we were both under 21 when we got together and drank together all the time but once he hit 21 he didnt want to drink with me, buy me beer, and he went so far as to bitch at me if i had a drink in my hand or when i drank with someone else... total control freak, and i think thats what happens to a nonsmoker when they decide for their significant other that pot shouldnt be in their lives.. they go on a power trip and use the existence of the relationship to get what they want and ITS SELFFISH!!!!

 

Its the smokers decision, end of story. If the nonsmoker cant handle their spouse doing something harmless thats relaxing and if anything dulling then they obviously have control issues... i would have stayed with my ex boyfriend if he hadnt taken it upon himself to nag me everytime i did something he wouldnt do (guess he wanted to date himself). When the nonsmoker nags, all the smoker wants to do is go smoke another jay because who the hell wants to have someone nagging them 24/7 over a harmless little plant?

 

I think its the other way around when it comes to pot heads ditching friends over it, usually the nonsmoker friend sets an ultimatum (like i wont hang out with you if you smoke) then the smoker feels well if you want to throw away this friendship because of my lifestyle choice then so be it...

 

Im not advocating either way it is bad to be dependent on any kind of substance but i dont see nondrinkers and occasional drinkers having much of a problem, whats the difference? or vegans and omnivores getting along just fine is another example... if the smoker realises the nonsmoker wants nothing to do with it then the smoker is of course going to smoke when the other isnt around (out of respect for the other) not to be sneaky or deceiving but to be themselves. just accept people as they are and quit judging and controling others lives even if that life is apart of yours....

[kalilavey]

Yes. I know because I did it. I'm a non-smoker and my last boyfriend was a pothead, to be honest. It didn't bother me because pot had absolutely no effect on him. I know that's a bad sign; it means he'd been smoking pot for so long that he built up a tolerance to it. But he was the same person whether he was stoned or not. It didn't even slow him down.

 

He said it relaxed him, and he knew he would never get high again, no matter how much he smoked. He said he was OK with that because getting high wasn't his goal. It didn't interfere with our relationship because I didn't make it an issue. He was free to smoke in front of me if he wanted, he knew I wouldn't lecture him or disapprove of him, he didn't have to lie about it, he didn't have to sneak around. He was very considerate about it, he didn't blow smoke in my face or anything.

 

That said, I would not want to date someone who acted stoned all the time. If my boyfriend was the type to be affected by pot, I wouldn't have enjoyed being around him when he was smoking. But I couldn't tell the difference in his behavior, so I always enjoyed being around him.

 

If one person in a relationship is judgmental of their partner, about anything, it's going to cause problems. I'm not a judgmental person, so it was OK. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs, but some of my friends do and that's fine. I want them to be safe, of course, but each to his own.

 

 

I applaud you because you looked past the recreational activity and saw the person not the drug... this is what im talking about though, accepting people as they are and not trying to control every little aspect of their lives

[azsinglegal]

Yes. I know because I did it. I'm a non-smoker and my last boyfriend was a pothead, to be honest. It didn't bother me because pot had absolutely no effect on him. I know that's a bad sign; it means he'd been smoking pot for so long that he built up a tolerance to it. But he was the same person whether he was stoned or not. It didn't even slow him down.

 

He said it relaxed him, and he knew he would never get high again, no matter how much he smoked. He said he was OK with that because getting high wasn't his goal. It didn't interfere with our relationship because I didn't make it an issue. He was free to smoke in front of me if he wanted, he knew I wouldn't lecture him or disapprove of him, he didn't have to lie about it, he didn't have to sneak around. He was very considerate about it, he didn't blow smoke in my face or anything.

 

That said, I would not want to date someone who acted stoned all the time. If my boyfriend was the type to be affected by pot, I wouldn't have enjoyed being around him when he was smoking. But I couldn't tell the difference in his behavior, so I always enjoyed being around him.

 

If one person in a relationship is judgmental of their partner, about anything, it's going to cause problems. I'm not a judgmental person, so it was OK. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs, but some of my friends do and that's fine. I want them to be safe, of course, but each to his own.

 

I did it for 5 months and he even moved in with me. I didn't care at first, but then it started to seem he had real anger issues when he wasn't high. A few times he almost killed us while driving cuz I didn't know he had also been chugging rum at the house before we left. I preferred the pot then.

 

He acted high and it embarrassed me. Plus, he couldn't go anywhere without having a "puff" first and that really got old. It was like he was never sober. Even before we'd go to the gym he'd get high - it was humiliating to me.

 

I began to hate the smell. I started to hate HIM for smoking it all the time. I was so relieved when he finally moved out.

 

I will never date a pot head again. If someone wants to be with me I want them sober 95% of the time, not under the influence of a drug.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Ive realized that there is a huge divide between those who smoke and see it as a harmless, recreational thing, and those of us who don't and see it as a psychologically addictive and truthfully nasty habit.

 

To answer a remark someone made, yes sure he isnt doing meth or harder drugs....but he did in his past, and it all started with pot. He even accepts that he probably shouldnt be doing it given his addictive personality, but he still doesn't think he can stop.

 

Right now we are just friends, and we still live in the same place as my own place wont be ready for another week or so. I get to see what it would be like to be with him while he is using. I see him making every excuse on the book about his back etc to get a strip or a candy or whatever. I can't help but feel resentful, and grossed out, especially when he comes close to me and smells like that thing....its so nasty, it smells like horse crap.

The only thing that makes me not angry is to remind myself that he isn't my problem anymore and if he wants to smoke his life away, then so be it.

But overall it wasn't about controlling him, it was about wishing he would fit what I want for in a mate. When I realized that is what I was doing, I stopped and broke it off. You all are right, I can't change him or ask him to stop something for me...but I certainly don't have to live with something I dislike so much, especially because most users rationalize and minimize the damage that thing does to the brain. Most of my professors (currently doing a doctorate in psychology) agree to how detrimental that drug is for many reasons, and I have seen it first hand when doing cognitive testing. Its such a shame so many brains are going to waste....

But like someone said, to each its own.

[skelterhelter]

Ive realized that there is a huge divide between those who smoke and see it as a harmless, recreational thing, and those of us who don't and see it as a psychologically addictive and truthfully nasty habit.

 

To answer a remark someone made, yes sure he isnt doing meth or harder drugs....but he did in his past, and it all started with pot. He even accepts that he probably shouldnt be doing it given his addictive personality, but he still doesn't think he can stop.

 

Right now we are just friends, and we still live in the same place as my own place wont be ready for another week or so. I get to see what it would be like to be with him while he is using. I see him making every excuse on the book about his back etc to get a strip or a candy or whatever. I can't help but feel resentful, and grossed out, especially when he comes close to me and smells like that thing....its so nasty, it smells like horse crap.

The only thing that makes me not angry is to remind myself that he isn't my problem anymore and if he wants to smoke his life away, then so be it.

But overall it wasn't about controlling him, it was about wishing he would fit what I want for in a mate. When I realized that is what I was doing, I stopped and broke it off. You all are right, I can't change him or ask him to stop something for me...but I certainly don't have to live with something I dislike so much, especially because most users rationalize and minimize the damage that thing does to the brain. Most of my professors (currently doing a doctorate in psychology) agree to how detrimental that drug is for many reasons, and I have seen it first hand when doing cognitive testing. Its such a shame so many brains are going to waste....

But like someone said, to each its own.

 

4givr: Your posts could've been written by my own hand. I'm going through the same thing with my boyfriend (if I can even call him that ). Stay strong. You're right...you shouldn't have to compromise your beliefs. It's not about being controlling either. It's totally about wanting to make it work with someone who finds pot more enthralling than us. And how hurtful is that? I wouldn't have a problem with pot if it wasn't so damn important, to the point where it's more important than our relationship. I'm sure you feel the same way. If you ever wanna talk, I'm here

[skelterhelter]

like i said above its not Physically addictive, I cant speak for those who have no will power whatsoever... anything can be termed mentally addictive; caffiene, fast food, even exercise. but yes i do smoke and yes i have been in a relationship where my boyfiend quit smoking and yes it did cause problems but only because he was becoming a control freak...

 

he wanted me to quit pot just because he made the decision to quit...we were both under 21 when we got together and drank together all the time but once he hit 21 he didnt want to drink with me, buy me beer, and he went so far as to bitch at me if i had a drink in my hand or when i drank with someone else... total control freak, and i think thats what happens to a nonsmoker when they decide for their significant other that pot shouldnt be in their lives.. they go on a power trip and use the existence of the relationship to get what they want and ITS SELFFISH!!!!

 

Its the smokers decision, end of story. If the nonsmoker cant handle their spouse doing something harmless thats relaxing and if anything dulling then they obviously have control issues... i would have stayed with my ex boyfriend if he hadnt taken it upon himself to nag me everytime i did something he wouldnt do (guess he wanted to date himself). When the nonsmoker nags, all the smoker wants to do is go smoke another jay because who the hell wants to have someone nagging them 24/7 over a harmless little plant?

 

I think its the other way around when it comes to pot heads ditching friends over it, usually the nonsmoker friend sets an ultimatum (like i wont hang out with you if you smoke) then the smoker feels well if you want to throw away this friendship because of my lifestyle choice then so be it...

 

Im not advocating either way it is bad to be dependent on any kind of substance but i dont see nondrinkers and occasional drinkers having much of a problem, whats the difference? or vegans and omnivores getting along just fine is another example... if the smoker realises the nonsmoker wants nothing to do with it then the smoker is of course going to smoke when the other isnt around (out of respect for the other) not to be sneaky or deceiving but to be themselves. just accept people as they are and quit judging and controling others lives even if that life is apart of yours....

 

Thanks for your perspective. I'm trying to understand where my boyfriend is coming from, but it's hard for me not to take it personally when it seems the pot comes before me. As I mentioned, I don't think the pot itself is bad in moderation. Just like a drink here and there isn't bad. I respect the fact that people use it to relax and unwind. But it truly boggles my mind when, even after smoking pot all day, he can't even squeeze in a little time with me! I'm not asking for much... just respect and compassion, and to be treated like someone he wants to be with.

 

And I don't even think I was controlling or demanding about it. During the first week we were dating, I was talking about my family history of drug abuse and how much it bothered me, and he admitted he did it, that it made him feel guilty when he toked up, knowing it's something I wouldn't like if he came clean about it (but he told me anyway. He was waiting for a good time to tell me and that seemed to be a good time). We continued our date, even though I was upset about what he'd told me, but by the end of the night, after pressing him for more details about his usage and if he ever thought he'd be able to stop (just asking hypotheticals), I could tell it was something he enjoyed doing and he even admitted he didn't think he could turn it down. I told him I didn't think I could continue our dating because of how strongly I felt against it and because of my bad experiences. I was respectful about it. I said we could be friends, but that I didn't think dating would work out. At first he was all, "Oh, don't blow me off. Give me a chance", but by the end of the night I could see we both weren't going to budge on our stance. He didn't wanna stop and I didn't wanna take that leap from casual dating to being exclusive because of the pot smoking. He gave me a polite kiss on the cheek at the end of the night, said he was really sorry (he felt he was at fault), and said he would still stop into my job and bother me.

 

I thought I would leave it at that, and, although I did miss him, I tried no contact. But he badgered me with calls for the next few weeks, trying to get a hold of me and telling me he missed me. So I caved and got with him again, hoping we could work it out despite the issue. And I did miss him too. ALOT. We'd been intimate before he told me about the pot, so naturally I felt close to him. I hoped to god that things wouldn't go in the direction of my past relationships with pot users, but it did. And I called it too. I KNEW it would, which is why I told him we should cool it off during our first actual date. And he is doing exactly what I thought he'd do -- lying about it, sneaking around, putting me on the back burner. He used to feel guilty about hurting me, but now he doesn't even care. But now I'm even more involved with him on an emotional level and it's hard to just let go of him, even when he's being a total jerk. And I don't think me demanding he spend a little time with me or work me into his glamorous, pot smoking life is too much to ask (or even the least bit controlling). He was the one who tried to get me back, so I assumed it could only mean he missed me and wanted me. This just hurts. Why ask me back into your life, knowing VERY WELL I was wary about this, only to treat me like dirt?

 

So that's where I'm coming from. Sorry it was so long. Obviously we're coming from two different perspectives here. I can see how you would think it's controlling, but sometimes it's hard not to be upset when we care so much and get scraps in return.

Edited November 11, 2011 by skelterhelter

[4givrnt4gtr]

Skelter,

 

Im so glad someone seems to know where Im coming from. Thank you!

 

My ex-bf (or whatever he is) doesn't treat me bad, which actually makes it even harder to the point that I wonder whether Im letting go of something good over something that most people see as insignificant.

although we are broken up, we still live together and for all purposes, we still interact as if we are together. this to me speaks of how much we care about each other...but I guess love isn't all apparently. The more I think about it I realize how different we are...and yet how is it possible that two very different people can still like each other the way we do.

I know I can't ever get past the drug use, I also know its very hard for me to live with someone who has a tendency for depression and anxiety and refuses to get help (which causes 99.9% of our issues, including pot). But its so so SOOOO very hard to let go of someone who is loving and caring towards me....I feel in a limbo I really need to get out of...

I just dont know how.

[kalilavey]

Thanks for your perspective. I'm trying to understand where my boyfriend is coming from, but it's hard for me not to take it personally when it seems the pot comes before me. As I mentioned, I don't think the pot itself is bad in moderation. Just like a drink here and there isn't bad. I respect the fact that people use it to relax and unwind. But it truly boggles my mind when, even after smoking pot all day, he can't even squeeze in a little time with me! I'm not asking for much... just respect and compassion, and to be treated like someone he wants to be with.

 

And I don't even think I was controlling or demanding about it. During the first week we were dating, I was talking about my family history of drug abuse and how much it bothered me, and he admitted he did it, that it made him feel guilty when he toked up, knowing it's something I wouldn't like if he came clean about it (but he told me anyway. He was waiting for a good time to tell me and that seemed to be a good time). We continued our date, even though I was upset about what he'd told me, but by the end of the night, after pressing him for more details about his usage and if he ever thought he'd be able to stop (just asking hypotheticals), I could tell it was something he enjoyed doing and he even admitted he didn't think he could turn it down. I told him I didn't think I could continue our dating because of how strongly I felt against it and because of my bad experiences. I was respectful about it. I said we could be friends, but that I didn't think dating would work out. At first he was all, "Oh, don't blow me off. Give me a chance", but by the end of the night I could see we both weren't going to budge on our stance. He didn't wanna stop and I didn't wanna take that leap from casual dating to being exclusive because of the pot smoking. He gave me a polite kiss on the cheek at the end of the night, said he was really sorry (he felt he was at fault), and said he would still stop into my job and bother me.

 

I thought I would leave it at that, and, although I did miss him, I tried no contact. But he badgered me with calls for the next few weeks, trying to get a hold of me and telling me he missed me. So I caved and got with him again, hoping we could work it out despite the issue. And I did miss him too. ALOT. We'd been intimate before he told me about the pot, so naturally I felt close to him. I hoped to god that things wouldn't go in the direction of my past relationships with pot users, but it did. And I called it too. I KNEW it would, which is why I told him we should cool it off during our first actual date. And he is doing exactly what I thought he'd do -- lying about it, sneaking around, putting me on the back burner. He used to feel guilty about hurting me, but now he doesn't even care. But now I'm even more involved with him on an emotional level and it's hard to just let go of him, even when he's being a total jerk. And I don't think me demanding he spend a little time with me or work me into his glamorous, pot smoking life is too much to ask (or even the least bit controlling). He was the one who tried to get me back, so I assumed it could only mean he missed me and wanted me. This just hurts. Why ask me back into your life, knowing VERY WELL I was wary about this, only to treat me like dirt?

 

So that's where I'm coming from. Sorry it was so long. Obviously we're coming from two different perspectives here. I can see how you would think it's controlling, but sometimes it's hard not to be upset when we care so much and get scraps in return.

 

 

 

every situation is different and if i could answer your question about guys who want someone for no reason at all (only to ignore and treat their spouse like ****), i wouldnt have men problems myself... the only piece of advice in that situation that i could give you is do you! forget him if he makes you feel bad, you may still love him but you have to love yourself first. If he puts you down or ignores you, ignore him! dont answer the phone when he calls, dont let him sweet talk you when your unhappy about a situation, just do anything and everything that will make you happy since hes doing the same. most people dont like the taste of their own medicine and soon figure out what theyre doing is wrong and if theyre willing to change then they will try to fix their actions. If hes just selfish then move on, but i dont really think pot is the problem here, maybe its just him...

[kalilavey]

Ive realized that there is a huge divide between those who smoke and see it as a harmless, recreational thing, and those of us who don't and see it as a psychologically addictive and truthfully nasty habit.

 

To answer a remark someone made, yes sure he isnt doing meth or harder drugs....but he did in his past, and it all started with pot. He even accepts that he probably shouldnt be doing it given his addictive personality, but he still doesn't think he can stop.

 

Right now we are just friends, and we still live in the same place as my own place wont be ready for another week or so. I get to see what it would be like to be with him while he is using. I see him making every excuse on the book about his back etc to get a strip or a candy or whatever. I can't help but feel resentful, and grossed out, especially when he comes close to me and smells like that thing....its so nasty, it smells like horse crap.

The only thing that makes me not angry is to remind myself that he isn't my problem anymore and if he wants to smoke his life away, then so be it.

But overall it wasn't about controlling him, it was about wishing he would fit what I want for in a mate. When I realized that is what I was doing, I stopped and broke it off. You all are right, I can't change him or ask him to stop something for me...but I certainly don't have to live with something I dislike so much, especially because most users rationalize and minimize the damage that thing does to the brain. Most of my professors (currently doing a doctorate in psychology) agree to how detrimental that drug is for many reasons, and I have seen it first hand when doing cognitive testing. Its such a shame so many brains are going to waste....

But like someone said, to each its own.

 

Im sorry but i beg to differ, pot is not a gateway drug! not all pot heads move on to harder drugs and not all hard drug users started out using pot... its all relative to the person... if there is even a glimpse of curiosity with using any drug, yes pot is the safest and least affective and usually becomes the first choice, people will keep going until they reach a limit (usually addicts). if pot didnt exist there would be same amount of drug users as there are now. if a person doesnt have a strong will and chooses to use drugs instead of dealing with their problems in a healthy way they are going to turn to anything they can get their hands on. Just because pot is the most common doesnt mean its a gateway... thats just like saying smoking cigarettes will eventually make you start drinking or huffing paint, or drinking caffeinated drinks will eventually lead to cocaine and other upper use...

I smoked pot for a very long time and yes i did experiment with other things but pot wasnt my first choice, it was just the easiest thing to get. I wanted to be high, i didnt care what it was from... thats the mind of a drug user, so blaming a plant for a twisted state of mind isnt fair. Once i grew up and realised i didnt need chemical dependence to warp my view on reality i quit using, i may use again one day but only when im at a point when it doesnt matter if im baked out of my mind or not..lol like when im old and senile Ill be that crazy old lady with a joint in my mouth talking about how things used to be and how screwed up todays youth is i cant wait lol

[4givrnt4gtr]

Im sorry but i beg to differ, pot is not a gateway drug! not all pot heads move on to harder drugs and not all hard drug users started out using pot... its all relative to the person... if there is even a glimpse of curiosity with using any drug, yes pot is the safest and least affective and usually becomes the first choice, people will keep going until they reach a limit (usually addicts). if pot didnt exist there would be same amount of drug users as there are now. if a person doesnt have a strong will and chooses to use drugs instead of dealing with their problems in a healthy way they are going to turn to anything they can get their hands on. Just because pot is the most common doesnt mean its a gateway... thats just like saying smoking cigarettes will eventually make you start drinking or huffing paint, or drinking caffeinated drinks will eventually lead to cocaine and other upper use...

I smoked pot for a very long time and yes i did experiment with other things but pot wasnt my first choice, it was just the easiest thing to get. I wanted to be high, i didnt care what it was from... thats the mind of a drug user, so blaming a plant for a twisted state of mind isnt fair. Once i grew up and realised i didnt need chemical dependence to warp my view on reality i quit using, i may use again one day but only when im at a point when it doesnt matter if im baked out of my mind or not..lol like when im old and senile Ill be that crazy old lady with a joint in my mouth talking about how things used to be and how screwed up todays youth is i cant wait lol

 

Im not saying its a gateway drug for everyone, Im saying it was for him. But you're right about the whole addict mind. Ive noticed that he picks whatever its available to get himself high at some level. Its truly quite sad.

Ah well,

As for me, while debating this whole issues I gave in and tried the damn thing....the first time I felt nothing, and was quite upset he would give us up for nothing.

The second time.....holy mother....It was a mixture of bad and good...loved how food tasted, and was quite curious at how i kept observing my mind working...but hated the feeling of being completely out of control. I guess in a sense it was like riding a LONG rollercoaster....Overall though, its just not for me, and Im still sticking to my guns that I don't want someone in my life who cannot face life without an herb or a chemical.