Hampo1212 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Hi All First of all, this is going to be a long one. I got with my girlfriend aroung 7 years' ago. prior to this, she had been in a relationship for 4 years', which was littered with infidelity i think on both sides. this ended when he cheated on her. Approximately 6 months to a year into the relationship, I found out that she had cheated on me with her ex approximately 10 times. I was in shock at this point as I had never been cheated on before (I was 19 and she was 21). She told me tht she didnt want to be with me as she wanted to be with him. I actually made every effort to get back with her, buying her gifts etc and we did eventually get back together properly. I think this is because her ex didn't want to get back with her. Anyhow, we stayed together and we now have 2 children. We live in quite a small town (where she is from, and all her friends and family live). Although we are relatively happy, our sexlife is not great. Although I am only 25 and she is 27, since we got back together i would estimate that on average we have sex once every 3 weeks to a month. Also, I honestly cannot remember one occasion (other than when she is drunk), where she has instigated the sex. I feel as though I have to pester and coerce her into having sex until she gives in, which is not a nice feeling. Surely this cannot be normal? i recently found out (past few days) that her ex referred to above, lives next door to her auntie. Coincidentally, in the past, I would say 6 months to a year, she has been spending a lot of time at her aunties house (on a friday/saturday night) for drinks. up until approximately one year ago (maybe less) she had never been to her auntie's house on a friday o saturday night. Also very recently (since the above discovery), she left her facebook account open. I am ashamed to admit that I went through her messages with a fine toothcomb (although it must be mentioned that if I ever leave my facebook open she goes through my messages, and she also goes through my mobile phone). I found out that her ex has a son, who has been poorly recently, and that she has been sending him messages saying that she is sorry to hear the news etc. i will post a transcript of this convesation later. My impression of the conversation is that she definitely wants more contact with her ex, and is keen to be 'friends' with him, however I may have been reading the conversation with rose tinted spectacles. Herewith a transcript: G/F 16 SeptemberSent from mobile I'm so sorry *****, i'm praying he gets better soon. I'm sending all my love, take care x EX 17 SeptemberSent from mobile Thanks x G/F 21 SeptemberSent from mobile I've asked at my work if they would donate a prize for ***** fund raising night. They said yes if that's ok by you. Just wanted to ask first x EX 21 SeptemberSent from mobile Of course it is I'm very grateful for everything that everyone is doin I'm so humbled what everyone is doing for ****** x G/F 21 SeptemberSent from mobile No worries, everybody cares x G/F 27 SeptemberSent from mobile Hope you're ok and **** is getting better x EX 28 SeptemberSent from mobileHe is doin well the little soldier he might be able to come home today or tomorrow x G/F 28 SeptemberSent from mobile Aww that's great news, i've managed to get the hotel to donate a free nights stay with breakfast, ****** going to get it off me tomorrow x G/F 28 SeptemberSent from mobile I'm not going to be in tomorrow nite for ***** to collect it,so I will post it through your door in an envelope when I'm on my way to shelleys in the morning x EX 28 SeptemberSent from mobile Do u know where I live x thanks I really appreciate it c 29 SeptemberSent from mobile G/F Sorry yey you live next door to my aunty x G/F 29 SeptemberSent from mobile Let me know if you received it x EX 29 SeptemberSent from mobile Will do x EX30 SeptemberSent from mobile Hi Kay I received it with lots of thanks I am very grateful. I'm sorry for the way I used to be I was hurt that's all x G/F 30 SeptemberSent from mobile Aww it's ok, I hope the fund raising night goes really well. I hope we can be friends,i understand we've both hurt eachother but lifes too short to hold grudges xx EX 30 SeptemberSent from mobile I'm at the hospital with **** so I've not gone I told ****** to go and enjoy herself I prefer stay here and spend some time with my lad. He had an op last night and it went well x I agree life is definitely too short x G/F 30 SeptemberSent from mobile Well i'm up town until eleven for my friends leaving do from work,i'm leaving myself in 4 weeks scary. Can't believe how old we are x G/F 30 SeptemberSent from mobile Hope he's ok and you both have a good nites sleep x I can't help thinking that she still has strong feelings for her ex. in addition, she has not deleted these messages, she has just archived them, hence they can be viewed again. i know that when you receive a message from somebody you care for, you don't want to delete the message and i think this is what has happened here. Also, aound 2 years ago she was sending messages to her ex's sister and mother asking them to contact him to aks him to smile at her when they are in the same pub as each other, as he was ignoring her and it was upsetting her- if she didnt have feelings for him, surely she wouldn't care? I was under the impression that she had severed all ties with her ex as she had got back with me, but I havd also found out that on facebook she is friends with her ex's mother and sisters and frequently comments on their posts (on one occasion even telling his sister that she still cares for her). Despite the circumstances, trust has never been an issue between us. However, I am being honest when I say that I could not trust her with her ex, and I feel hugely disrespected by the fact that she is speaking to him again. I think that in the circumstances I may be overreacting, but after what she did to me, surely she must know how I would feel if I found out? i am deeply hurt by my discoveries and believe that if she made a commitment to me, she should really have severed all ties with her ex- surely, it isn't that big a sacrifice for her to make? She is also now desperate to get married. Although i love her dearly, the thought of marrying her has never appealed to me- until all this came out, i didn't have a clue why this was, i thought maybe i was just too young or something. i now know the truth- i am still hurt over what she did to me, and feel like people think I am an idiot for getting back with her. I also feel like people are laughing behind my back. This could be one of the reasons why I have struggled to have any kind of real friendship with her friends. I know i need to talk to he asap and make her aware of my concerns, however I just wanted soem advice../ opinions. Whilst I appreciate that none of you actually know my g/f, from past experience/ past posts on this site etc, could she be cheating/ intending to cheat? I really don't think she has cheated on me, certainly not with her ex, however I cannot now be sure. Are any of the signs there? Any advice would be gratefully appeciated. I also appeciate that perhaps it is not fair to drop this bombshell on her now if she is innocent as I should have aised it earlier in the relationship or not got back with her at all. However, I genuinely didn't ealise it was a problem until now. I now realise that it is a huge problem. I could never accept her being friends with her ex again and would leave her if it meant that much to her. I can't help feeling guilty and thinking that my thoughts are totally unreasonable. please could somebody give me an impartial view/advice/comments? Am i overreacting or am I justified in feeling disrespected by this? Many thanks H
oldguy Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 There is not stability here from either of you, this relationship, from the way you describe it sounds like a train wreck. The most tragic part of the whole story is that there are children involved. People can change given time & motivation. What they change to is dependent on direction they are given. Having said all that it doesn't sound like there is any motivation to change & there certainly hasn't been enough time or direction to change. The analogy I like it to credit scores. You can improve a bad credit score over time with a lot of diligence, but until you put in the effort & have proven yourself over a looong period of time you aren't going to get a loan from any bank. The same is true for relationships; it takes diligence over a long period of time to prove you are not the same today as you where yesterday. If you wouldn't give someone money because they have a history of being a bad credit risk why would you give someone your heart who has proven up to this point to be a bad risk?
NordicStripes Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Reading the transcript of those messages, I don't get the impression that there is anything more than friendship/friendlyness going on between your girlfriend and her ex. I don't know her ofcourse. And to be honest, if I were you I woudn't have taken her back after finding out she had cheated on you with him so many years ago...
oldguy Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I know you've been in this relationship for 7 years but how many of those years have been consecutively stable if any? I'm not ripping on you, I'm trying to give you an objective view based on your story, to which I'm sure she has her side but in general, as I said earlier, this sounds like a train wreck that has already happened.
Author Hampo1212 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 There is not stability here from either of you, this relationship, from the way you describe it sounds like a train wreck. The most tragic part of the whole story is that there are children involved. People can change given time & motivation. What they change to is dependent on direction they are given. Having said all that it doesn't sound like there is any motivation to change & there certainly hasn't been enough time or direction to change. The analogy I like it to credit scores. You can improve a bad credit score over time with a lot of diligence, but until you put in the effort & have proven yourself over a looong period of time you aren't going to get a loan from any bank. The same is true for relationships; it takes diligence over a long period of time to prove you are not the same today as you where yesterday. If you wouldn't give someone money because they have a history of being a bad credit risk why would you give someone your heart who has proven up to this point to be a bad risk? Right, so what you're saying is there is no stability because: a) I have accepted her back/got back with her knowing what she had done, and I am now going back on that somewhat by doubting her; and b) she is talking to her ex again which is something of a breach of trust? In terms of the children thing- yes I totally agree- this is why I feel so guilty for only realising this stuff now. I can only say that I have been kind of running on autopilot since we got back together, working very hard/ long hours, and generally pretending everything was OK. Unless you have found yourself in this position it is very difficult to explain- I swear this time last week I would have had no doubts whatsoever with the relationship. I suppose my 'deepeest fears' had become so buried in the back of my mind that I had totally failed to realise that they were there. thanks for the post anyway. H
Author Hampo1212 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 I know you've been in this relationship for 7 years but how many of those years have been consecutively stable if any? I'm not ripping on you, I'm trying to give you an objective view based on your story, to which I'm sure she has her side but in general, as I said earlier, this sounds like a train wreck that has already happened. An objective view is exactly what I was looking for when I posted this. Other than the 2-3 months when we split after I found out she had cheated, we have been stable for the whole of the time- we occasionally argue over little things but no more than any other couple. re the train wreck thing, you might be ight, but I made a decision to get back with her which is why i feel so guilty for only just realising my concerns. You say that people can change over a long time but there is no evidence of this here. Why do you say this? Is it because she is talking with her ex behin my back etc? your post is greatly appreciated. H
Author Hampo1212 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Reading the transcript of those messages, I don't get the impression that there is anything more than friendship/friendlyness going on between your girlfriend and her ex. I don't know her ofcourse. And to be honest, if I were you I woudn't have taken her back after finding out she had cheated on you with him so many years ago... thanks Nordic- I appreciate the comments re the messages, however, the fact that she is speaking with her ex again after what happened feels like a breach of trust- is this unreasonable?
oldguy Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 You are the only one who can really tell if your relationship is 'stable' or how long it has been, or not. I was responding to a snippet of your life based on a few paragraphs that I read as emotionally charged, & that's understandable. The truth is; I don't know you or your situation. But I will stand behind my analogies as good sound general advice.
ffw Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 thanks Nordic- I appreciate the comments re the messages, however, the fact that she is speaking with her ex again after what happened feels like a breach of trust- is this unreasonable? No, it isn't. The thing, H, is she already broke your trust one time. What makes you think she is not going do it again? You clearly have doubts about her, especially infidelity, & its not good if you are thinking about marriage.
NordicStripes Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 thanks Nordic- I appreciate the comments re the messages, however, the fact that she is speaking with her ex again after what happened feels like a breach of trust- is this unreasonable? Not at all. If I was in your position I wouldn't like it one bit! Just saying that when I just read what is being said, I don't think there's anything more going on there.
Author Hampo1212 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Not at all. If I was in your position I wouldn't like it one bit! Just saying that when I just read what is being said, I don't think there's anything more going on there. well the way I read them it seems she wants to start an 'off topic' (ie poorly son), conversation,but that's why I asked for an impartial opinion. Many thanks H
geegirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) Why wouldn't she be sharing this information with you? There is no trust in your relationship. A couple should be able to share activities that are going on in their lives and all this trouble that she is going through for this little boy she should be sharing it not hiding it and you snooping and finding out on FB in private messages. The thing is, she broke your trust numerous times. And you went back. It would seem as if you both settled for each other. If that is what your R has been built on then there was no foundation for it to stand on. The sad part about all this, there are children involved. Edited October 26, 2011 by geegirl
Deano8888 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 dude to be honest with you there is not a person on earth who would be happy to find their partner talking to their ex when they have cheated with them in the past. She should not be doing that out of respect for you. However, it doesn't sound like she is cheating on you and to be honest in my opinion it doesn't sound like she wants him either. BUT, that doesn't mean she should be talking to him behind your back. Also, if you have been together for 7 years there should be no secrets, my partner knows all my passwords to facebook and all that and I know hers. whatever you do don't go spouting at her that you have read her messages, cos that never ends well. But I would be gutted to if I found that out.
Author Hampo1212 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Why wouldn't she be sharing this information with you? There is no trust in your relationship. A couple should be able to share activities that are going on in their lives and all this trouble that she is going through for this little boy she should be sharing it not hiding it and you snooping and finding out on FB in private messages. The thing is, she broke your trust numerous times. And you went back. It would seem as if you both settled for each other. If that is what your R has been built on then there was no foundation for it to stand on. The sad part about all this, there are children involved. this is correct, it's the respect thing that I think is the worst part of it all I think
Author Hampo1212 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Thanks Deano, very helpful. It helps to know that I am not being selfish in feeling the way I do about the scenario, and that other people would feel the same way. The first thing I was going to address was the messages TBH as that is one of the main issues. I suppose I could just ask her about it and see if she admits it? I suppose if I ask it is going to be pretty obvious that I have seen her messages though. Cheers H
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