oaks Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 So I guess I cannot see a reason in any of those scenarios as to why it would have been terribly difficult to contact me. He would not be sightseeing as it is not a new country, he grew up there. Fair enough, but even though it doesn't sound difficult for him to contact you it isn't as though he's just survived some death-defying encounter. Flying is safe and routine. (I've had the news channel on all morning... the only disaster seems to be an earthquake in Turkey and that was on Sunday. No news about plane crashes.)
Kamille Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I imagine that, by now, you've written an email telling him you hope his trip went well and you would love to hear from him sometime today?
carhill Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 No help on other fronts, but in my area of interest, I'm seeing six aircraft incidents in the last two days, including private aircraft, transport aircraft and military aircraft worldwide, and only one included a transport-class aircraft and that was an Antonov involved in an incident in Yemen at an air base. IMO, think back to when you were LDR and not living together and how you processed his continuing absences and not always knowing where he was and what he was doing. You dealt with it before and can do it again. He'll be in touch. He's with family and friends so there are a lot of people interested in his safety. No worries.
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 So, he just IMed me, apparently the low cost carrier was so bad that even he could not sleep (although he has slept on a wooden bench before...), and his house internet had been down and he had not gotten a SIM card yet. If any of you are concerned, I only mentioned that I was worried and to give me his number when he had his SIM card, then we chatted as per normal. >.> There was no yelling, not even via text, and I did not let on to my obsessive thoughts. Sorry for getting some of you folk worried, and thanks for the reassurances and advice.
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 ROFL Kamille, I had done exactly that 6 hours ago, actually!
LittleTiger Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Here's another take for you Elswyth - I'd be livid! I would let him know how angry I was too, albeit very calmly! If he was in the back of beyond with no way to contact you that's one thing - but at his parents' house with internet access!!! You're not just dating - you live together. At the very least it's common courtesy to keep your SO other informed that you have arrived at your destination safely. I bet if you posted this thread in the 'long-term relationship' section you would get more answers like mine. If I was you I would make it very clear that you consider his lack of contact thoughtless, tell him you were worried and make sure he understands that next time you would like him to contact as soon as possible so that you know he's safe. It's perfectly normal for you to worry so please stop blaming your OCD - he's at fault here not you.
Emilia Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Thanks, sunshinegirl, that was insightful. I think it's a mixture of both consideration and safety concern. I'll call the airline anyway, it sure beats constantly refreshing the news. I just don't get it. If you simply missed him and wished to hear from him to calm your separation anxiety, I'd understand that fully. But this irrational worry about his safety? He is a grown man and it's not like he is in a war zone, he's gone to see his family in his home country. Give the guy some credit, do you treat him like a baby when he is with you?
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Oh, LT, I'm inclined to be okay with it given the incidents in my previous post. It was also a public holiday there, which is true but which I forgot about, so SIM card shops were not open. Emilia, it seems you don't understand OCD. It has nothing to do with how you treat someone, or whether or not you believe they can take care of themselves. Also, I'm not sure why I would 'treat him like a baby when he is with me' and why I should 'give him some credit', when aircraft crashes are really not something he personally has control over, so my worry over them has no reflection on my perception of his abilities. He isn't exactly a pilot.
LittleTiger Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 So, he just IMed me, apparently the low cost carrier was so bad that even he could not sleep (although he has slept on a wooden bench before...), and his house internet had been down and he had not gotten a SIM card yet. So his parents don't have a landline or a mobile phone he could have borrowed? Sorry Elswyth but he's out of order.
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Aww, LT, I appreciate your concern, I really do. However, there have been a wide range of responses here, even from people who are also in LTRs or have been in LTRs, such as zengirl and carhill. I guess what is 'acceptable behaviour' here varies a little according to the person, and I wanted to receive a range of responses. I personally would not be okay with some of the things people here mentioned (72 hours without a call if the shops had been open, etc), but given that he had not slept for >24 hours, the shops were closed, and his internet was down and he contacted me as soon as he could get on, I am inclined to not pursue the lack of borrowing someone else's mobile to call me.
sunshinegirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 So his parents don't have a landline or a mobile phone he could have borrowed? Sorry Elswyth but he's out of order. Good grief. It sounds like a perfectly reasonable explanation. And let us not forget that he got in touch approximately 14 hours after arriving. LT, if this is the biggest of their problems, then Elswyth should count her lucky stars, not call down fire and brimstone on him.
Emilia Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Are you diagnosed as having an OCD or is it self-diagnosis? Either case, do you think it's wise to be typing up increasingly hysterical messages on the internet especially after your boyfriend has just given you a very rational explanation? Shouldn't you be trying to occupy yourself with something else? As oldguy said, no disrespect but many use OCD as an excuse for complete lack of anxiety control. You asked the question in your original post whether you have been silly and yes you have.
Emilia Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Aww, LT, I appreciate your concern, I really do. However, there have been a wide range of responses here, even from people who are also in LTRs or have been in LTRs, such as zengirl and carhill. I guess what is 'acceptable behaviour' here varies a little according to the person, and I wanted to receive a range of responses. I personally would not be okay with some of the things people here mentioned (72 hours without a call if the shops had been open, etc), but given that he had not slept for >24 hours, the shops were closed, and his internet was down and he contacted me as soon as he could get on, I am inclined to not pursue the lack of borrowing someone else's mobile to call me. Thank god. I assume this thread is over and done with then as it should have been about 2 pages ago.
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Are you diagnosed as having an OCD or is it self-diagnosis? Either case, do you think it's wise to be typing up increasingly hysterical messages on the internet especially after your boyfriend has just given you a very rational explanation? Shouldn't you be trying to occupy yourself with something else? As oldguy said, no disrespect but many use OCD as an excuse for complete lack of anxiety control. You asked the question in your original post whether you have been silly and yes you have. Would you like to pinpoint which of my responses after the update have been hysterical? I'm not entirely sure, but last I checked, responding to someone who accused you of completely inaccurate things doesn't really qualify as hysterical. OTOH, accusing someone of 'treating her man like a baby' and 'not giving him any credit' without any basis for such, sounds pretty irrational and illogical to me. I'm also not sure why it's wrong for me to be typing in this thread or on the internet to occupy my time, when you yourself are evidently doing the same. I'm also not sure if you misinterpreted oldguy's message or I did, but I didn't see him say any such thing. At any rate, I appreciate your answer to my question, Emilia, but this is a public forum, not an Ask Aunt Emilia newspaper column, and your answer alone doesn't necessarily conclude the thread. Thank god. I assume this thread is over and done with then as it should have been about 2 pages ago. Why are you still posting in it, then? If you feel it should be shut, feel free to ask a moderator.
oaks Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Sorry for getting some of you folk worried, and thanks for the reassurances and advice. Glad to hear that he's okay. I hope you are too, now.
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Glad to hear that he's okay. I hope you are too, now. Aww, thanks, oaks, I pretty much am.
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 You kind of sound like me in this thread. And that is not a good thing I'm glad to hear everything worked out.
LittleTiger Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Good grief. It sounds like a perfectly reasonable explanation. And let us not forget that he got in touch approximately 14 hours after arriving. LT, if this is the biggest of their problems, then Elswyth should count her lucky stars, not call down fire and brimstone on him. Who said anything about fire and brimstone? I don't believe in raising voices and stomping around. You make your point calmly and leave it at that. If she doesn't make a point of it, it will happen again. If Elswyth doesn't mind having an inconsiderate boyfriend then, sure, no problem, she can count her lucky stars! Do women really expect so little from their partners these days? In this day and age communication is so easy - from almost anywhere. If he's in a civilised place, he has no excuse.
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 LOL ES. I do see similarities in our anxieties, yes. Thanks. It hasn't actually happened before, LT, whenever he'd traveled - the longest he'd taken to make contact was 2 hours after touchdown before. I guess that was partly why I was so worried.
sunshinegirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Who said anything about fire and brimstone? I don't believe in raising voices and stomping around. You make your point calmly and leave it at that. If she doesn't make a point of it, it will happen again. If Elswyth doesn't mind having an inconsiderate boyfriend then, sure, no problem, she can count her lucky stars! Do women really expect so little from their partners these days? In this day and age communication is so easy - from almost anywhere. If he's in a civilised place, he has no excuse. The fire and brimstone comment refers to the stark black/white brush you're painting with - you're outright saying he's a bad boyfriend because he didn't immediately get in touch. Given his circumstances, seemed he got in touch relatively promptly. People have all kinds of differing habits and preferences around communicating with their mates, and particularly given the fact that Elswyth did not ask up front for him to be in touch right away, does not mean that he either should have known to do so or should have, obviously, shared her viewpoint and habit about communicating right away, no matter what. Beyond that, they have an LDR under their belt, which could have set a prior communication norm that "All's well and I'm fine unless you hear otherwise from me"... which could have further led BF to assume there was no urgency in contacting Elswyth. For all these reasons, as I said before, this should not escalate into a referendum on his character or whether he cares about Elswyth. Your making it into one smacks of judgment that the BF is clearly in the wrong (which is the attitude of a lot of "fire and brimstone" types).
LittleTiger Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 The fire and brimstone comment refers to the stark black/white brush you're painting with - you're outright saying he's a bad boyfriend because he didn't immediately get in touch. Given his circumstances, seemed he got in touch relatively promptly. People have all kinds of differing habits and preferences around communicating with their mates, and particularly given the fact that Elswyth did not ask up front for him to be in touch right away, does not mean that he either should have known to do so or should have, obviously, shared her viewpoint and habit about communicating right away, no matter what. Beyond that, they have an LDR under their belt, which could have set a prior communication norm that "All's well and I'm fine unless you hear otherwise from me"... which could have further led BF to assume there was no urgency in contacting Elswyth. For all these reasons, as I said before, this should not escalate into a referendum on his character or whether he cares about Elswyth. Your making it into one smacks of judgment that the BF is clearly in the wrong (which is the attitude of a lot of "fire and brimstone" types). Not at all. I'm very well aware of the relationship history and I'm not saying he's a bad boyfriend. I know they have a good relationship. Previous LDR 'rules' do not apply once you've lived together - LDRs are very different from 'normal' relationships. I have more experience than most on that score. I believe he was inconsiderate on this occasion and I also believe that if a partner has been inconsiderate (and if you're left worrying about him then he clearly has been) he or she needs to know about it. Communication is the backbone of any LTR - without it, misunderstandings and resentments can build without either party noticing. If your partner upsets you in any way it is absolutely fair to bring it up and say so. No shouting required - just clear communication so it doesn't happen again. It does not mean he's a bad person or a bad boyfriend it means he behaved badly on this occasion and, in my opinion, he did.
sunshinegirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I believe he was inconsiderate on this occasion and I also believe that if a partner has been inconsiderate (and if you're left worrying about him then he clearly has been) he or she needs to know about it. Communication is the backbone of any LTR - without it, misunderstandings and resentments can build without either party noticing. If your partner upsets you in any way it is absolutely fair to bring it up and say so. No shouting required - just clear communication so it doesn't happen again. It does not mean he's a bad person or a bad boyfriend it means he behaved badly on this occasion and, in my opinion, he did. We certainly agree on that. Where we differ is perhaps on the timing of the conversation (I'd wait til he's home, she's not acutely upset, they can talk calmly), and the focus of the conversation: not about what it "means" if he doesn't call right away (which implies an "are you a good or a bad person?" judgment), but noticing their different preferences/habits and then problem-solving it together. We've carried this further than Elswyth, so I for one will now leave the topic alone. Have a nice day.
LittleTiger Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 We certainly agree on that. Where we differ is perhaps on the timing of the conversation (I'd wait til he's home, she's not acutely upset, they can talk calmly), and the focus of the conversation: not about what it "means" if he doesn't call right away (which implies an "are you a good or a bad person?" judgment), but noticing their different preferences/habits and then problem-solving it together. We've carried this further than Elswyth, so I for one will now leave the topic alone. Have a nice day. I didn't say 'when' she should have the conversation I just said it's something that needs to be addressed - obviously it's Elswyth's decision if she has the conversation at all. When communicating with a partner about something like this it is always better to talk about the 'behaviour' itself, which does not imply anything at all about him as a person ie "What you did was inconsiderate" NOT "you are inconsiderate". Elswyth's bf is a good person but what he did (or didn't do) was not good - for her. I don't think we're in disagreement at all really, sunshinegirl - just a misunderstanding and a different way of looking at the same thing. Anyway, Elswyth, I'm glad he got in touch and you're no longer worried. I did have a vague recollection of a previous incident, quite a while ago, when he didn't contact you as you expected (on a late night call out into the mountains?) but perhaps I was mistaken.
Star Gazer Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Elswyth, I travel a lot for work, often overseas, and it is usually inconvenient-to-impossible (depending on destination) to get a phone connection up and running upon arrival. If you didn't specify beforehand that you wanted to know he was ok upon landing, then you are being 'silly' as you say and letting your anxious/OCD thoughts run away with you. If you are really worried that his plane crashed, you could call the airline for confirmation. But if this is more about "is he being considerate?" then I'd strongly urge you to let it go. I often, but not always, think to tell my H I've arrived and am safe. He asked me to do that yesterday when I flew (domestically), which is the only reason I remembered to when I landed. It doesn't mean I don't love him or that I'm deliberately keeping him on pins and needles; sometimes I'm jetlagged. Sometimes I'm distracted. Sometimes shyte happens when I land and plans change. Sometimes I'm immediately off on some adventure where I physically have no ability to call/text/email home. If your BF is on vacation, let him have his fun and *whenever* he checks in, be happy about it. Don't give him an earful about why he should have called sooner or whatever. You can gently ask if he could check in more frequently given whatever he's doing over there, but be careful to avoid escalating this into any kind of referendum on whether he cares. Totally agree with SSG. I'm glad she wrote everything above because I didn't have the energy to do so myself.
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) Hey, guys, The reason I had not responded was because I think both of you are wonderful, insightful posters, and I didn't want to 'take sides' or slight either of you. I guess I see this as more my problem than his because, well, I ask myself that if I had just been travelling for so many hours and had not slept in over a day, and if all the shops were closed and my internet was down, would I just sleep and wait for the internet to be up, or would I try and borrow a phone to call the bf? And the answer would be the former. In actuality, when I went on vacation there was a rare problem with my own SIM card, in that it was faulty and I waited 6+ hours for it to activate. I didn't actually borrow a phone to call my SO in the meantime and he saw absolutely nothing wrong with it, so in these circumstances I think it is right for me to do the same. Also, I have a feeling that it would be inconsiderate of me to push the issue when he'd just told me about how he had a miserable 11 hour flight with no entertainment and very crammed seats. I had had a good night's sleep in the comfort of my own bed. Edited October 26, 2011 by Elswyth
Recommended Posts