Els Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Alright, the background is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t303877/ Basically, I'm vacillating between being annoyed that it has been 12 hours since bf's plane was due to arrive at his vacation place and he has not contacted me to let me know that he'd arrived safely, and being worried and constantly checking the news for aircraft crashes. It's not that I want him to constantly call me on vacation, or that I want a long conversation with him, etc. I just want to know that he's okay and arrived okay... and that he thought to let me know that he's okay. I realize that I have potential OCD and anxiety disorders, so my trend of thought might be different from others'. Granted, I did not tell him that I wanted him to do that, but I guess it didn't strike me that someone would not, since I always do so for my loved ones whenever I leave them at the airport. It is true that he would have had to get a new SIM card and/or connect to the internet to contact me, but I would definitely have done that within 12 hours personally, even if I did not expect the person to be neurotic and worried. On the other hand, one of the things that really helped me when I realized that I have OCD, is realizing that a certain pattern of thought is really not normal or necessary, and thus to treat it as simply an obsessive thought and not really give it weight. Should I be legitimately annoyed and worried, or should I just consider it a silly thought? Would you be?
Janesays Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Doing this or expecting this would have never occurred to me.
Thierro Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 To me that's common courtesy. It's something you do automatically. Especially when you are in a committed relationship. You want them to be safe, that’s all. Nothing wrong with that.
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Hrm, so that's one for each. Ah well, guess I'll just wait another day and see. Nothing much I can do at this point anyway since there's no way for me to contact him.
Emilia Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Yes I think you are being silly. It isn't something I would expect because when you are abroad it isn't always that easy to get hold of a SIM card, it isn't your first thought when you arrive somewhere really tired and he probably isn't looking for an internet cafe straight away. He probably doesn't think either that you would be this anxious over a simple trip. My mother used to expect me to text her until I asked her to stop treating me like a child.
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) Huh, interesting. My mom used to ask me to text her and I would happily do it, rofl. She actually stays up waiting for it; it's a good thing I don't, because it's been about 36 hours since he's left. Also, it's not just a small trip, it's a 5000-mile trip on a small low-cost carrier, and he's going to his parents' house which has internet, so there would be no need for a cafe. But, thanks, it's good to know that I could be overreacting nevertheless. Edited October 26, 2011 by Elswyth
Thierro Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 But that doesn't make you feel any better. If he doesn't contact you within the first couple of days he is a very insensitive guy. Next time: Tell him that you would like a quick text or phone call when he is settled down and has the time to let you know he is all right.
carhill Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 If you and he agreed prior that he'd stay in touch, then his lack of that would be alarming IMO. If other, other. I always kept in touch with my exW when traveling internationally, either by cell phone or Skype. It's really nothing. Just a couple minutes. However, I told her I would, and I did. She did the same when traveling alone. No long-winded convos, just 'hey, got here safe, check in xxx next' stuff. 99% he's fine, but understand your concern.
oldguy Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 First of all; it IS courteous, however I'm not sure how common it is. I would either call him if you can & then explain to him you where worried & listen to why he didn't call. I wont get into all the scenarios of what could have, should have would haves, you are already doing too much of that, which is a common habitual thought process. On your own, separate from this incident, that is a discipline you can work on. Not to seem insensitive, bur blaming it on OCD is often an excuse that validates & gives this thought process power, power it doesn't truly have. I hope all is well with you bf as I'm sure it is. Do let him know you where worried. A slight bit of guilt usually works best here
Emilia Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 He has a massive jetlag in that case and he is sleeping. I agree if he doesn't contact you within let's say 72 hours, it's too long but he must be pretty tired right now
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Thanks, guys. I agree, I should have told him to let me know when he'd arrived. It just really didn't strike me that telling would be needed TBH.
Janesays Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Next time, I'd just say, "Sweety, call me when you get in so I know you're plane landed safely." He probably doesn't realize you're worrying and it's unfair to expect him to read your mind. If you didn't ask him to call, I think this one is pretty much on you.
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Oldguy: I can't call him because his number will not work there, and I have no way of knowing his new SIM card number.
Janesays Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Blah.....looks like other posters beat me to the punch!
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Hehe, yeah. BTW we did agree that we'd contact each other while apart but there was no 'when you arrive' part mentioned, so I guess he could not have known that I would have liked it as soon as he lands, or that there was any hurry.
zengirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I have an OCD mother, so I have had an iPad since about when they came out because it worked in most countries that had internet (I'd email her when I got there) and I didn't have a way to call. But it's always really bummed me out how fanatical she is about calling---even if I drove somewhere a half hour away from home when I was a teenager, I had to call when I got there, and she's expected calls whenever I travel as an adult. Kind of a burden when I was really traveling. So, for that reason, I do such things automatically now; however, I never notice when someone else doesn't. If his cell phone worked and all he had to do was push a button, I'd say: Yes, probably going to get a call. If he needed components to make communication happen, I'd say: Give him 24-48 hours. That's just me. But yes, saying, "Hey, please give me a call," is fine. If the tech was going to be an issue for me and my BF said that, I'd say, "Eh, getting a sim card will be a pain, it might be a day or so, don't worry." Personally, it'd be important to me that he respected that (after all the issues with my Mom---I cannot deal with an OCD partner), but that's just me. I'm sure plenty of people would be accommodating. And, again, that's only if the tech were hard to update.
oaks Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 It is true that he would have had to get a new SIM card and/or connect to the internet to contact me, but I would definitely have done that within 12 hours personally, even if I did not expect the person to be neurotic and worried. If he needed to get a SIM card then maybe he ran into a technology problem, or maybe he was too tired to remember to do this at the airport and has gone to sleep instead. You're not over-reacting, but you will be when you yell at him for not calling sooner.
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Huh, yeah, makes me wonder if OCD is inherited. Because I may not be a psychologist, but if what you mention is a symptom of it, zengirl, my mom most definitely has it. I guess the consensus is to just wait and see. I wish I could stop googling for crashes though.
sunshinegirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Elswyth, I travel a lot for work, often overseas, and it is usually inconvenient-to-impossible (depending on destination) to get a phone connection up and running upon arrival. If you didn't specify beforehand that you wanted to know he was ok upon landing, then you are being 'silly' as you say and letting your anxious/OCD thoughts run away with you. If you are really worried that his plane crashed, you could call the airline for confirmation. But if this is more about "is he being considerate?" then I'd strongly urge you to let it go. I often, but not always, think to tell my H I've arrived and am safe. He asked me to do that yesterday when I flew (domestically), which is the only reason I remembered to when I landed. It doesn't mean I don't love him or that I'm deliberately keeping him on pins and needles; sometimes I'm jetlagged. Sometimes I'm distracted. Sometimes shyte happens when I land and plans change. Sometimes I'm immediately off on some adventure where I physically have no ability to call/text/email home. If your BF is on vacation, let him have his fun and *whenever* he checks in, be happy about it. Don't give him an earful about why he should have called sooner or whatever. You can gently ask if he could check in more frequently given whatever he's doing over there, but be careful to avoid escalating this into any kind of referendum on whether he cares.
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 If he needed to get a SIM card then maybe he ran into a technology problem, or maybe he was too tired to remember to do this at the airport and has gone to sleep instead. You're not over-reacting, but you will be when you yell at him for not calling sooner. ROFL I am trying to tell myself not to do that. See, I can think of only three possible non-harmful scenarios: 1) He is with family. In that case he is at home, which has internet, and he brought a laptop. 2) He is with friends. In that case he would have already needed a SIM card to even contact them to begin with. 3) He is jetlagged and sleeping. Highly unlikely because he can sleep anywhere, anytime, and has never failed to sleep on a plane before. So I guess I cannot see a reason in any of those scenarios as to why it would have been terribly difficult to contact me. He would not be sightseeing as it is not a new country, he grew up there.
Author Els Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Thanks, sunshinegirl, that was insightful. I think it's a mixture of both consideration and safety concern. I'll call the airline anyway, it sure beats constantly refreshing the news.
sunshinegirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 ROFL I am trying to tell myself not to do that. See, I can think of only three possible non-harmful scenarios: 1) He is with family. In that case he is at home, which has internet, and he brought a laptop. 2) He is with friends. In that case he would have already needed a SIM card to even contact them to begin with. 3) He is jetlagged and sleeping. Highly unlikely because he can sleep anywhere, anytime, and has never failed to sleep on a plane before. So I guess I cannot see a reason in any of those scenarios as to why it would have been terribly difficult to contact me. He would not be sightseeing as it is not a new country, he grew up there. If you are reasonably confident he has internet access, then what's preventing you from sending a lighthearted quick message? "Hi hon, just checking in to be sure you got there safe and sound. (Are you having a great time so far?)"
zengirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) Huh, yeah, makes me wonder if OCD is inherited. Because I may not be a psychologist, but if what you mention is a symptom of it, zengirl, my mom most definitely has it. I guess the consensus is to just wait and see. I wish I could stop googling for crashes though. I'm not sure if that's actually a symptom of OCD. It's more the WAY she does it that reminds me of her OCD. (That alone may just be a symptom of being a Mom for all I know.) And she definitely has OCD, diagnosed by a doctor and with much more exhausting symptoms than just that, such as creating charts for loading the dishwasher and being afraid to drive over bridges. She's got all kinds of weird things, but they've mellowed now. As to hereditary, no idea. I definitely don't have OCD. I have OCD-PSTD (a disease I made up!) maybe from dealing with her. There are definitely things I do because I grew up with an OCD mother, and certainly other imperfections, but I'm pretty far from having OCD. I don't think anyone's ever established a genetic link for it, but it's certainly not impossible. Edited October 26, 2011 by zengirl
oaks Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Thanks, sunshinegirl, that was insightful. I think it's a mixture of both consideration and safety concern. I'll call the airline anyway, it sure beats constantly refreshing the news. Some airports have websites showing arrivals... you can put in the flight number and it tells you when it landed.
sunshinegirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 To the degree that any of this is being driven/fed by your anxiety/OCD tendencies, do you have strategies for managing them? A good friend of mine is prone to anxiety and catastrophic thinking - to the point where if her husband went camping, she was sure he would be eaten by a bear. If she walked her dog, she was sure he would slip out of his collar and get hit by a car. It was bad. Her H traveling for work? She was a wreck. But she realized this was her anxiety. It wasn't reality, it wasn't a set of premonitions, it also wasn't her husband's fault or responsibility that her thinking spiraled in these crazy directions. She enlisted professional help and developed a range of cognitive-behavioral strategies to deal with them.
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