irc333 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 There's this one woman I know that apparently is in a long dist. relationship (been this way for 8 yrs) with a man hundreds of miles away. But she dates locally, and tells these men that she's broken up with said LDR, but if things don't work out locally, she takes trips up north to see this guy. One guy found out about this by seeing recent photos of said LDR on her FB. I am starting to notice a trend as well. Some people don't even divorce, just separate and continue dating lives or new relationships (even having children) with their new lovers. There was this one guy that had to go back and see his "wife" because she was in the hospital, was even willing to leave the girlfriend behind until he came back. I even saw a situation of a guy wasn't able to achieve what his g/f was looking for, and allowed her to date other men until she found what she was looking for WHILE they were still a couple. (Kind of like looking for a job, when you already have one) These situations seems to be becoming more common and is quite sickening. Anyone seeing this occur more frequently?
Emilia Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 No. Living separate lives for couples was very common when divorce was seen as shameful - probably until the 70s when it started becoming more socially acceptable. You hear more about it nowdays because society is more open and there are fewer taboos.
LittleTiger Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I don't see what's sickening about it and I doubt very much that's it's a particularly new way of doing things. People are free to conduct their relationships in whatever manner they see fit. If that includes a LDR or a FWB to call on between local relationships, or people staying married (on paper) and starting a new life with someone else or even having more than one partner at the same time, I don't see why it is anyone else's business. I don't agree with people lying or cheating, or any kind of behaviour where somebody can or does get hurt but, provided everybody is open and honest about what they're doing, it's really up to them. We all choose our own rules and way of life. Each to their own.
carhill Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 OP, I know I've seen you somewhere before. Keep it honest, keep it legal, do what you want, care less about what others think or feel. I'll bet you've been hurt before, right? Disappointed, right? Don't think you have to own the market on that; take it on all yourself. Spread it around. Spread a little joy too. Makes life more interesting.
dasein Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I don't see what's sickening about it and I doubt very much that's it's a particularly new way of doing things. So there's nothing wrong at all with accepting courtship attention and largesse from men while hiding a LTR, LD or otherwise? Please. of course if she tells ALL the men she dates upfront about the existing LTR, and they are stupid enough to spend time and money on her anyway, that's the men's fault.
LittleTiger Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 So there's nothing wrong at all with accepting courtship attention and largesse from men while hiding a LTR, LD or otherwise? Please. of course if she tells ALL the men she dates upfront about the existing LTR, and they are stupid enough to spend time and money on her anyway, that's the men's fault. How do you know it's a LTR and not a FWB?
EasyHeart Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 How do you know it's a LTR and not a FWB?What's the difference? If a woman is with someone else, there's no way in hell that I would consider dating her.
LittleTiger Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 What's the difference? If a woman is with someone else, there's no way in hell that I would consider dating her. She might only be seeing the LD guy when she's not in a relationship with someone else. Someone she calls on just for sex when she's single - what's wrong with that? Nobody has any idea, based on the OP, exactly what the situation is.
EasyHeart Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 She might only be seeing the LD guy when she's not in a relationship with someone else. Someone she calls on just for sex when she's single - what's wrong with that? Nobody has any idea, based on the OP, exactly what the situation is.What's wrong with that is that she's sleeping with someone else while dating me. That's not acceptable in my world.
betterdeal Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 What's wrong with that is that she's sleeping with someone else while dating me. That's not acceptable in my world. She's not dating you, remember?
LittleTiger Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 What's wrong with that is that she's sleeping with someone else while dating me. That's not acceptable in my world. No, she's sleeping with someone who happens to live a long way away only when she isn't dating anyone. The way I read it, if she's dating someone, she doesn't see the other guy.
dasein Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 There's this one woman I know that apparently is in a long dist. relationship (been this way for 8 yrs) with a man hundreds of miles away. It's what OP posted, that's how we know it was a LTR. 8 year relationship, FWB, ExWB, any sexual relationship are relationships that should be disclosed before accepting courtship largesse from other men regardless of however it's rationalized so women can have cake eat cake.
carhill Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 That potential (FWB, etc) brings up another great conversation about style. Example (not advice): Me: 'I don't believe in casual sex. How do you feel about that?' If she says 'I enjoy having FWB's between relationships', that's her truth. Is it acceptable to me for a dating partner? There's always a choice. If she concurs and says she feels the same way, and evidence of FWB arises later, then she is presumed to have lied about an elemental style compatibility and is ejected from the game for lying. I've found the truth always gets out there. It might not be today or tomorrow, but it does. Time reveals it.
dasein Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Want to qualify that there's no need to disclose casual dating relationships when first meeting a stranger, but 8 years? Off and on or not, there's just no way that can be defined as "casual."
carhill Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I could (and have) see some people defining such LD dynamics as 'casual'. In fact, some LS'ers have posted their own versions, kind of like a perhaps non-unfaithful version of that old movie 'Same Time, Next Year'. People define their own relationships. Does that mean that I would agree to date such a person? Perhaps not. That refusal doesn't make what they're doing 'wrong', rather just not my style. Someone else might find it perfectly acceptable. TBH, I really want to read the OP telling about his own relationships or potentials. Watching is fun and risk-free but with little reward. The upside of watching is one will never make a mistake
LittleTiger Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 It's what OP posted, that's how we know it was a LTR. 8 year relationship, FWB, ExWB, any sexual relationship are relationships that should be disclosed before accepting courtship largesse from other men regardless of however it's rationalized so women can have cake eat cake. "There's this one woman I know that apparently is in a long dist. relationship" The OP doesn't actually know the woman's circumstances. Provided she is either faithful when in a relationship, or discloses her preference for multiple partners, I don't think it's anybody's business who she has sex with in between relationships.
dasein Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) I'm well aware that women freely rationalize things in whatever way offers benefit to them without guilt, seizing like a lawyer on terms like "apparently" while conveniently ignoring the EIGHT YEARS part, but it's plain wrong to engage in FWB arrangements, LT especially, and blithely accept largesse from new men who, if they were aware of the FWBs or other goings on would almost certainly not be offering such largesse. I'm actually an exception to my own rule, as I am fully aware, through personal experience and friends' experience over years, that women generally sleep with many many more men than they ever let on or will admit to. It's just a given reality, doesn't bother me, but then I'm not the "showering with gifts, flowers, trips, etc." type until I am fairly sure the woman is worth my time. However, most American men would not spend money or lavish courtship attention on women who are sexually involved with other men, so women should either disclose such or refuse the largesse. Few do either. It's not rocket science or subject to much debate. Accepting something from someone under false pretenses is wrong, no rationalization possible. It's the same, and equally wrong and fraudulent, as a man who makes promises of marriage or a LTR, explicit or hinted, to women to get sex. Edited October 26, 2011 by dasein
LittleTiger Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I'm well aware that women freely rationalize things in whatever way offers benefit to them without guilt, seizing like a lawyer on terms like "apparently" while conveniently ignoring the EIGHT YEARS part, but it's plain wrong to engage in FWB arrangements, LT especially, and blithely accept largesse from new men who, if they were aware of the FWBs or other goings on would almost certainly not be offering such largesse. I'm actually an exception to my own rule, as I am fully aware, through personal experience and friends' experience over years, that women generally sleep with many many more men than they ever let on or will admit to. It's just a given reality, doesn't bother me, but then I'm not the "showering with gifts, flowers, trips, etc." type until I am fairly sure the woman is worth my time. However, most American men would not spend money or lavish courtship attention on women who are sexually involved with other men, so women should either disclose such or refuse the largesse. Few do either. It's not rocket science or subject to much debate. Accepting something from someone under false pretenses is wrong, no rationalization possible. It's the same, and equally wrong and fraudulent, as a man who makes promises of marriage or a LTR, explicit or hinted, to women to get sex. There's absolutely no benefit to me whatsoever here and I'm not sure what you mean by 'LT especially' since you know nothing about me. I don't personally engage in FWB relationships but if others do I think that's their choice. It doesn't matter how long this woman has known her LD friend, provided she isn't having sex with him whilst in a relationship then it's none of anybody else's business?
EasyHeart Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 No one is suggesting that this woman be imprisoned or lose her civil rights. The issue is whether her situation makes her undesirable as a potential relationship partner.
joystickd Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Its her choice and potential partner may question her loyalty in a LTR but that is something she has to deal with. I once met a woman and for a long time she never told me she was married. She finally mentioned it once and said it was in name only. It didnt work out because she was tired of being used for sex. I will admit I have a thing for married women or women with boyfriends. I guess its because of the experience I posted on here and its sort of like revenge now for what that woman did to me. It also never moves past first date with me for single women. I guess because I'm so happy to find someone single
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