Tibby321 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I married 7 months ago. We still havent our two homes untill they are sold so we can move to somewhere thats suits up best. Problem is he confessed to me that he had an affair whilst married to his previous wife who died. To cut a long story short she is still around has left her partner and moved 8 doors away from my husbands house. How do i find out if this is an affair continuing.
PegNosePete Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Do you have any reason to suspect it is continuing? Does he still talk to her as "friends"? How long ago was his affair, and how long have you been together?
Author Tibby321 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 He told me the affair, while he was with his first wife (Anne), was for 12 years. When his wife became ill he ended it but said he did meet with her a couple of times. When his wife died which is 5 years ago, he started seeing her again even though she was married. He says he ended it before we met. I have been with him 2 and a half years now. He has spoken to her to tell her to move on. I feel confused as what is going on. Some times I feel that she is excepting of always been the mistress just to keep him even though she left her husband and wanted to be with him. He told me he did think of being with her because she loved him but it never felt right. A few odd things have happened. A monday evening when i turned up at his when i had arranged to be else where, she knocked the door.
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I didn't understand your first post. Do you not live together, and why? How far apart are you living? How often do you see each other?
Author Tibby321 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 We live 35 miles apart. My job is 47 from where he lives and works. His dad is aging and unwell and he has regular customers where he lives. He is therefore reluctant for either of us to move, of there or he to move here. We need somewhere in the middle. My house needed a lot of work as i had it rented out, it has took a while longer than we thought. Now if says he has work to do on his before he puts it on the market. I did say to him i would not put mine on the market untill he did, which upset him. We are together weekends and an evening mid week usually. She is outside at times she knows we leave his. He says he is being stalked. Is this true? Or after all the years they have known each other is it still as before?
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I don't know if he is seeing her or not. I don't know if he is being stalked or not. I DO know one thing. There wouldn't be many reasons why I wasn't commuting 47 miles to work every morning and evening. Lots of people commute an hour each way daily. I would put the importance of my marriage FAR over any convenience factor. Rent your house out again if you can. Do it on a 6 month or a month to month lease, so that you have a faster option to put it on the market. Or do it as a rent-to-own, and offer to take rent in lieu for approved/acceptable repair or improvements on the property. But get your butt to your husband's bed every night. Without fail.
Author Tibby321 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Thank you for saying that because that is how i have felt. When i put that to him if said that would be unfair to me and would cost. It can take 2 hours from work to his home in rush hour down the M42. I would do it but he didnt seem keen which caused me concern. It feels that he puts me off. BUT Iwill do it. It is time I think for me to say together as a married couple. I know he will say you still have work to do at your house but i will fit that in when and how. Thanks again.
Author Tibby321 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 I have been of work ill yesterday and today. He said he is suffering also with a cold and would of come over to mine if he didnt feel so dreadful. I've felt dreadful but i went over to his late last night. Silly maybe but i have this urg to know. He was home and alone but sat at his computer till nearly 3 this morning. Yes i sat out side untill he went to bed. Her place was in darkness.
Lemon Drop Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 Sorry, but I think this is creepy and weird. Reminds me of a similar situation (red flags everywhere) and my ex. He had a pretty next door neighbor and I lived an hour away. We saw each other one night a week and every other weekend... (kids). Weird stuff (to me anyway) was going on and he gaslighted me about every one of them. Wish I had gone with my gut.. I would have ended it while we were dating and saved myself a lot of pain and heartache later. No wait, I wouldn't have been able to do that because I was in love with him and wasn't done until the deal breaker came along and ended it for me. Yes, the woman is after your husband and he is probably letting her in the door when she knocks and you are not there. He's gaslighting about her "stalking" him, otherwise, why would he allow it to continue with you being far away every night? Sorry if this seems harsh, but I really think this sounds bad and I would start digging up clues to find out what is really going on if I were you. And I'm sorry this is happening to you too, because you are full of hope and love and this is just not good.
mzdolphin Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 I don't know if he is seeing her or not. I don't know if he is being stalked or not. I DO know one thing. There wouldn't be many reasons why I wasn't commuting 47 miles to work every morning and evening. Lots of people commute an hour each way daily. I would put the importance of my marriage FAR over any convenience factor. Rent your house out again if you can. Do it on a 6 month or a month to month lease, so that you have a faster option to put it on the market. Or do it as a rent-to-own, and offer to take rent in lieu for approved/acceptable repair or improvements on the property. But get your butt to your husband's bed every night. Without fail. Amen. My exMM told me he was divorced and it was easy for me to believe because his wife lived in another state, far away so he could carry on like a single man. Then after I broke things off, he moved back home but took a job nearly two hours away. He stayed in touch and continued the affair even after I informed his wife. I broke it off again. Earlier this year he told me he was looking for an apartment in the city he works. I thought, if his wife let's him get that apartment she is crazy. When you have cheated, you don't get to get your own place if the BS is uncomfortable. If you really loved your spouse and knew the kind of pain your infidelity caused, you would do everything to put their mind at ease. Living closer to your former AP flies in the face of that. Commuting isn't fun, but nothing is worse than the anxiety your living apart causes the BS. If a WS won't suck it up, drive miles and miles to be in your bed every night, you need to start looking for a divorce lawyer.
mzdolphin Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 Thank you for saying that because that is how i have felt. When i put that to him if said that would be unfair to me and would cost. It can take 2 hours from work to his home in rush hour down the M42. I would do it but he didnt seem keen which caused me concern. It feels that he puts me off. BUT Iwill do it. It is time I think for me to say together as a married couple. I know he will say you still have work to do at your house but i will fit that in when and how. Thanks again. Bottom line, does he want to make your marriage work? Then he needs to share a home with you. I spent entire weeks with my exMM when I didn't know he was married. Imagine if you have a situation in which the woman not only knows he is married but helps him conceal his cheating. That's your situation. Anyone who stays in a 12 year affair has already made it clear to your husband that he can have her whenever he wants and that she will make no demands on him. I mean his wife died and he didn't turn to her. So she is clueless. Doesn't mean you have to be.
Author Tibby321 Posted October 28, 2011 Author Posted October 28, 2011 Yes, it's not good but moving in this evening. He resisted it saying the traveling excuse again but i said that as we are married then we should be as a married couple. Will see how it goes. My gut tells me if there is still a relationship between them he will see her in the day when I'm at work. How can i know? She knows we have married but how would she know? She sent a wedding care 3 weeks ago, he had no answers.
rubyjuly Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Tibby, as i read through your posts, the history of it, my gut feeling is that she is still somehow in the picture... i dont trust that with all those years of cheating, they can really be trusted..you said one night you showed up when he wasnt expecting you and she knocked on the door... sorry, my gut says she is definately somehow involved, still in the picture, even if she is 'nice' to you, dont trust that she is your mutual friend. There is a saying 'keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.'' i think sometimes cheaters use this, as a way to throw off the other partner, so they just appear as a friend... luckily for you, already you know their history,...she is not just a 'friend' in my humble opinion
findingnemo Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Yes but how do i find out? Since you have moved in now, they can't really see each other anymore. At least not like before. Wait and see. Something disturbs me and I'll try to be as delicate as possible. You sitting outside his home till the wee hours of the morning is not good. Why do this? You're newly married and even though the woman is his neighbor, he did tell you about the ongoing A. Why would this push your buttons to this extent? Either the situation is really bad and you have more evidence of this or your reactions to these kinds of things is not healthy. I'm not saying you're crazy. I'm just worried that he'll eventually drive you crazy if you have to resort to police tactics this early in the M.
Author Tibby321 Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Lots of little things dont bed up. Yes it's affecting me, thats why I need to resolve this. She wrote him letters. She turned up at a club we in to; didnt know she was there until i turned and saw her taking photos of us. He says she is mad and he fears her saying something to friends a what to do
findingnemo Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Lots of little things dont bed up. Yes it's affecting me, thats why I need to resolve this. She wrote him letters. She turned up at a club we in to; didnt know she was there until i turned and saw her taking photos of us. He says she is mad and he fears her saying something to friends a what to do So there's a possibility that she really is stalking him. Well, now that you live with him you'll be able to get to the bottom of this. If indeed she acts strangely, do not hesitate to go to the police and get a restraining order. Also, make sure your house is available to move into at reasonably short notice should it all prove to be too much.
beenburned Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Anyone who could cheat on their spouse for 12 years, should never be trusted.
Author Tibby321 Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 Trust is the issue here. Since moving in things have being find. If is encouraging me to in for redundancy and all being well it would be the best thing for us. To establish that all was ok I asked again that I was the only women in is life and that i was the only one he close to. He flipped. Ihave bought a voice recorde. If he finds it I know it will be all over as he is annoyed with my insecurity
Author Tibby321 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 Have not posted for a while due to living with hubby. I have felt more at ease and in the main things have being fine. The voice recorder is not that clear. He has not being working as he is self employed. Iheard him say 'how you doing' and 'you ok' but heard no other voice. He has had eggs thrown at his house twice now but cleaned them up before i arrived home. As I type this I realise that I wont out. I'VE had enough. Any ideass how to end this?
anne1707 Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Have not posted for a while due to living with hubby. I have felt more at ease and in the main things have being fine. That is all good to hear The voice recorder is not that clear. He has not being working as he is self employed. But you still feel the need to keep tabs on him. Why is that? Is he giving you any reason to doubt him? When you say he is not working because he is self-employed, do you actually mean he is working at home on his business or that he is not working at all? Iheard him say 'how you doing' and 'you ok' but heard no other voice. So if he is on the phone, you can only hear one side of the conversation. And if this is all it is, then it is hardly anything to worry about He has had eggs thrown at his house twice now but cleaned them up before i arrived home. Do you know who did this? Just kids messing around? Or maybe it is the ex who you are so worried about who is not happy that you are now together. One of your posts had suggested the possibility she was stalking you and your H and maybe this is her doing too. What does your H say about this? As I type this I realise that I wont out. I'VE had enough. Any ideass how to end this? So now that you are living together, you feel more at ease and things are mainly fine, you want to leave? Do you two really want to be married to each other? Do you love your H? Does he love you? Do you make each other happy? If you want our help, you are going to have to tell us a bit more because at the moment, this does not all quite add up.
MammaMia Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I know my recommendation may not be popular with most of the posters, but why hot hire a PI for a few days? Shop around and you will find a good one. Then you will have all the evidence you want whether you have moved in now or not. A good PI will find out everything that is going on behind your back. Then, proceed and confront.
Author Tibby321 Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 My hubby is pretty stressed. He says it is a combination of worry about his aging dad, letting general things slip due to working on the houses, not knowing his work situation. He is always busy running around but I dont know what. He mentions things but I think that it should not take too long. He says he is struggling to get anything done. All this could be depression due to prolonged stress. He did look after his dying wife for two years and struggled to gain a home when she died (long story). Jane, the lady he had the affair with, helped him. Then when every thing sorted and he is settled he meets me. Jane leaves her partner and moves in 8 doors away. Hubby has grief off her and me, on wonder he is stressed. All through this he maintains he loves me and has no contact with her. He said the christmas card she sent does not bother him but it bothers me. She wrote 'to a wonderful couple made in heaven. May you have a happy new year together' It seems to me that he did not make it clear to her that we dont wont her in our life. I stated very clearly that i could not be in a relationship with him if was to continue contact with her. Am I being unfair? Maybe it is just her not letting go or they both are continuing as before.
JustK Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Yes but how do i find out? Have you asked her? If you brought his lies to the surface and he was lying to her she may not be as likely to cover for him anymore. 8 doors down is a quick little walk. "Hi, are you still sleeping with my husband?" and watch her reaction. I know my recommendation may not be popular with most of the posters, but why hot hire a PI for a few days? Shop around and you will find a good one. Then you will have all the evidence you want whether you have moved in now or not. A good PI will find out everything that is going on behind your back. Then, proceed and confront. I was thinking this too only I'm cheap I'd just have had a good friend do it for me until there was something more substantial. Digital camera and a car they don't know is really all it takes.
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