Almond_Joy Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Hi Loveshack, I'm not sure how to handle this. I met and dated a guy I really liked, but things didn't pan out because the guy was not comfortable with my terms for continuing to date. Details on that are in the following thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t301965/ I met this guy in a meet-up group (I'll call him Eric). Eric has been hanging out with another guy from the meet-up group (Dan) quite often. I get the impression they're good friends now - I'm not sure how close, but they enjoy each other's company enough to hang out together a few times a week. I guess Eric told Dan that he decided to stop dating, and now Dan has asked me out on a date. I've been attracted to Dan since the first time I talked to him. I want very much to go on this date and see if that attraction can develop into anything substantial. The caveat is that Eric, although he has explicitly stated the he does not want to date (not just me - he doesn't want to date anyone is what he told me), has told me that he enjoys being around me, and wants to get to know me better. He's also said that he considers me a close friend. It may be too early to be worried about this, but if things end up going well with Dan....Eric will invariably become aware that we're dating. I don't know how he'll take it, considering his history, and I don't want to lose Eric's friendship. I think it would be jumping the gun to say something to Eric before or after a first date with Dan, because nothing major will happen on the first date and if it turns out there's no connection I'll have ruffled Eric's feathers for no good reason. I guess my question is...when do I tell Eric? And should I even tell Eric at all, or should Dan be the one to tell him? Any suggestions are appreciated, thanks.
gaius Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Don't tell Eric anything until you've been out with Dan enough to know it's something that might last a while. Seriously though, if you really value your friendship and future dating prospects with Eric then just pick one of the other billion guys out there that don't happen to be his friend to date. You're being very lazy and setting yourself up for some drama.
Author Almond_Joy Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Don't tell Eric anything until you've been out with Dan enough to know it's something that might last a while. Seriously though, if you really value your friendship and future dating prospects with Eric then just pick one of the other billion guys out there that don't happen to be his friend to date. You're being very lazy and setting yourself up for some drama. How am I being lazy? I'm not looking to date - I just happened to get asked out by two guys that are friends with each other....? Thanks for the feedback.
Jaina19 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Hmm, bit of a tricky situation. I think if you value Eric's friendship you should be upfront and honest about it, ask him how he would feel about it. Even if it doesn't go well and you say nothing, friends talk and Dan might say something.
carhill Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Eric made a proactive choice to take himself out of the romantic market. He's a mature adult. You didn't throw him over for his new (assuming they became friends at the meetup group) friend Dan. He chose to step out completely. Once that occurred, you're free to date anyone. If you and Dan 'work out', then your association will become known. Eric will see you are a couple. His feelings about that are outside of your control and a potential result of the choice *he* made. If he truly likes you as a friend, he will be happy for both of you, since both of you are his friends. If Eric is the guy in the other thread, no worries. Continue with Dan. Eric has his own issues to tidy up. He had his chance. You and he didn't match up. Write it off to timing.
Professor X Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 What's the big deal? Eric told you he doesn't wanna date you or anyone else. So it all comes down to if he's a good enough friend of yours to tell him you have a first date, with whoever it may be. Would you have told him if you were asked on a date by someone unknown to him? If yes, than tell him about Dan, if not than don't tell him. But one thing is for sure, you won't "ruffle" anyones feathers, so get off the high horse
Author Almond_Joy Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Thanks for the feedback, everyone.
make me believe Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I think you're making this a bigger deal than it is. You don't owe Eric anything. If you hit it off with Dan and it upsets Eric, so what? He is a big boy, he can deal with it. He doesn't get to decide who it's ok for you to date and who is "off limits." Go out with Dan, get to know him, and see what happens. If Eric is truly your friend he'll be happy for you if you find happiness with Dan.
Author Almond_Joy Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 I think you're making this a bigger deal than it is. You don't owe Eric anything. If you hit it off with Dan and it upsets Eric, so what? He is a big boy, he can deal with it. He doesn't get to decide who it's ok for you to date and who is "off limits." Go out with Dan, get to know him, and see what happens. If Eric is truly your friend he'll be happy for you if you find happiness with Dan. I know I don't owe him anything, and as I said I'm aware I'm jumping the gun worrying about this when I haven't even gone on the date. But I do like Eric alot as a person - I enjoy his company alot and it would hurt me to have to lose that association with him. If the friendship didn't mean anything to me I wouldn't be asking about how to handle this to minimize potential damage. I do agree, on the other hand, that if things go well with Dan and Eric can't handle it maturely.....I may have to reevaluate how strong the friendship really is.
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