KTB3LL Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 So I posted about 10 months ago because I felt like my relationship was headed nowhere fast. Well 10 months later we are in the same place. My bf and I have now been together for 18 months and we spend almost every night together. We have been in the exact same place in our relationship for about 15 of the 18 months. My biggest delima is... I have a 3 year old daughter and I feel like allowing him to "play house" with us without really committing is unfair to her. They love eachother but I am worried that if he never commits it can turn out bad. We both have very stable careers and we both own homes. His home is larger and nicer than mine and we are hardly ever there. I have called him out on this before and he said he is afraid that my daughter may mess something at his house up. Is it just me or after 18 months of being together shouldn't he be adjusted to the idea of her being in his home? He says he wants to get married and have kids but he isn't ready in his life yet. HE IS 33!!! We have good jobs and neither of us go out much, so I'm trying to figure out what he thinks he still needs to do. About a month ago I explained to him that I feel like he will never commit to me. He gets very defensive and says he is tired of feeling pressured to rush into things. He says he wants to give it plenty of time so "he is positive it wont end in divorce". I say that some people date for years and get married and divorced right away and other date for a few months and are married for years... Time is no guarantee. I worry because he dated his last gf for 5 years and left her. I don't want to be that girl. HOW DO I BREAK HIS CYCLE? HOW DO I SHOW HIM THAT MARRIAGE ISN'T THAT SCARY? He treats me like his wife already. He had stopped the sweet little nothings and treats me like a wife not a girlfriend. He has stopped trying to win me over because he knows I love him and want to be with him...but he wont commit either. I's so frustrated it is insane. Basically I feel like we have been stuck in this place for way too long and he isn't giving me any real sign that he is ready to commit(engagement). So how long is too long to wait?
WhiteChocolate Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 So how long is too long to wait? It depends on what you want. From this guy's history, he is probably never going to commit. He is also not excited about marriage at all. So it just depends on whether you are happier in this situation or without him. The third possibility of him proposing is almost nonexistant.
ChessPieceFace Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Sounds like he is too smart to get married. Hmm, how about offering a pre-nup? And if you won't, then he's right about marriage after all.
maysj18 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Sorry, but 18 months isn't that long. Marriage is something that should never be forced down someone's throat unless you want them to leave. You should probably try to talk to him again, but go at it from a different angle. Say that you love each other and you just want to make sure that marriage isn't out of the question later on, like that if things continue to go well he'll want to marry you. I understand you want to watch over your daughter, but forcing him into marriage and getting divorce in 2 or 3 years would be way worse than taking it slower and POSSIBLY breaking up down the road.
Leegh Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I would put a time limit on it. I would give him possibly until the end of the year to make a decision, as this would give him plenty of time to decide, and he would not feel like he had to make an instant decision. I think it's better if you know one way or another, and I'm sure being in "limbo" is very draining.
Cypress25 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 18 months isn't very long and 33 isn't very old. If he's not ready, he's not ready. Pressuring him to commit isn't going to make him any more ready. Personally, I can't blame him for not wanting a 3-year-old in his house. I'm sure your daughter is lovely, but toddlers can be careless and break things. It could be dangerous for her too, if his house isn't child-proof. If you want my honest opinion, I think he's hesitating because of the kid. Getting married is one thing, but he's obviously not ready to be a parent. That's a huge commitment and it would be a huge lifestyle change for him. Try to understand: Marrying someone with a young child is a major adjustment and it can't be taken lightly. Have a little patience.
Star Gazer Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 18 months at 33 is a LONG time to me, but given that there is a child involved, I can understand why he wants to wait until he's POSITIVE.
insertnamehere Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 He's telling you the lie you want to hear. It's time to walk and to walk without regard to what he says after you leave.
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