I said the worst thing to my girl...

October 28, 2011

Wow, I have to say I wasn't expecting so much bashing on my gf. Makes me feel a little better about blowing up on her like that.

To answer your questions, yes, I love her very much, I've been crazy about her all along. I tried to keep my post as short as possible, so didn't include anything that wasn't directly related to my issue with her; it's not that she doesn't have a million redeeming qualities. Apart from the criticism and keeping me at an arm's distance (emotionally/commitment-wise) she is a genuinely wonderful person. I have never known someone who was as present and thoughtful as she is. There is absolutely nothing I could ask for that she wouldn't give to me. I was seriously sick for weeks a month ago, and she was there every single day making sure I had everything I needed. She is someone I can always count on, 100%.

But I guess during this current "figuring things out" period we're in, I need to figure out how much criticism I can take, and figure out together how we can compromise so we are both fulfilled in a relationship together. All along I was sure if she'd just jump into our relationship with both feet we'd be awesome together, but after last night I guess I have more to think about.

No, we don't live together, we aren't even dating at the moment (technically). My messes are mine alone, and only get out of control during very stressful periods of my life. Oh! And when she's cooked in my kitchen recently.... The girl is an absolute slob when she cooks, and never cleans up after herself if she's in my house (but always does when she's in hers). It's of course fine if she's making food for both of us, it seems fair for me to clean if she cooks, but frequently she's just making food for herself (if I've already eaten, for example). Anyway, off subject, I'm just venting.

I sent a good night text last night, and with it apologized for saying what I did, that even though I felt provoked there is no excuse for using such language. She texted back saying it was ok, and didn't mention anything at all today when we got together.

I need to think very seriously if this girl can make me happy, since part of being happy is feeling like the person I'm with thinks highly of me. Damn, I really thought this girl could be the one for me for so long now, I hate to imagine her leaving my life.

Sorry you just got to be more assertive and not be so apologetic! The reason why she nags you all the time is because you let her! Let me guess, you don't like to argue so you just agree with everything she says right? Why are you with her if she not emotionally there for you? This is just a one way relationship where you bend over backwards for her and she don't seem to reciprocate! IMHO!

October 28, 2011

Why except bad behavior even if you have strong feelings for her? I would have said early on if you dont like it then leave. People do what you let them do.

This definitely isn't true. People do whatever they want, and you may or may not take issue with it. This conflict is a classic case of two people doing whatever they feel like doing.

October 28, 2011

Thanks for the opinions everyone. You are great about giving me a sense of perspective.

Carlos, thanks for the support re: my food choices. I'm not sure I am willing to call my diet "junk food" based though.... Some roasted chicken at my deli and a bowl of (frozen, microwave-heated) mixed veggies? Is that really on par with McD's? I do cook one "real" meal every weekend, and make enough for 5-6 dinners. But, then I freeze the leftovers, and my ex disapproves of freezing food and gives me grief about eating "mush."

ILW, I've told her how I feel about each independent thing she criticizes me for (ie driving, running, eating, etc) but haven't sat her down and brought up everything at once. I suppose I should, I just know that when I bring up too much all at once she gets very defensive and not much changes. There's really no gentle way to tell a girl, "Hey, I love you, but you're a controlling nag and if you don't stop we're through." She already shuts down when we talk about any one aspect of my perceived "flaws," I think because she starts to feel really bad about herself.

Thanks MissedtheBoat, for calling me a good guy and supporting my desire to run alone!

I wouldn't say I attract controlling girls (or have a thing for them). Neither girl acted that way the first year we were together, it just after we became more serious things started coming to light. I've been in a handful of other relationships, and these girls treated me very respectfully. Maybe it's not my "picker" then, maybe it's my "dropper:" I just need to be willing to drop women more quickly than I do. BTW my mom was great, no controlling issues there. If anything she was a little too lenient, she's kind of a hippy.

I'd like the think my gf is trying to make me wonder what life would be like without her, but I don't think that's the case. I'm the one that always wants a serious relationship, to move forward, and she's always the one that "needs more time" to "see if we're good together."

On the bright side, she hasn't said a single negative word these past days. It feels like such a weight is off me, even though I know it's just temporary. She can tell I've pulled way back, which makes her go overboard trying to bring us back together again. A massive talk is inevitable, but I think I'm going to wait until some family friends of hers come to visit and leave. I want her to enjoy her time with them as much as possible.

Your GF sounds really insecure, to me - that's likely what all that nagging is about. Which is not to say that you should put up with it; it's just my interpretation. Likely her criticizing your food choices and driving is a way of inserting herself into those parts of your world, and making herself indispensable to you - essentially what Kamille said in an earlier post.

As for the running thing - my fiance runs (I don't) and he absolutely prefers to run alone; it's a very important centering and calming activity for him and I wouldn't want to take that away from him. That's the kind of space in a relationship that is completely healthy. For some reason your GF is threatened by it, though - possibly because it's in no way about her importance to you.

Obviously, this is not something you should back down on, or allow yourself to be manipulated about. However, if you want to stick with this relationship, at least for a while, it's probably a good idea to at least understand why she does what she does.

I don't know if, by now, you feel preemptively nervous whenever she starts to criticize, and then just sort of shut down and become uncommunicative - I could understand that, because I've been in that role myself, with a nagging partner.

But, if you're so inclined, it might be worth observing her closely and seeing if the nagging happens when she's feeling particularly vulnerable for some reason. You can, if you want, redirect - she comments on running, you say, "well, it makes me feel calm and happy and ready to spend time with you". See where that goes. If you tell her why you want to run alone, will she be open to hearing it? Or does she only care that her concerns get aired? That's the sort of thing that makes or breaks a relationship.

October 28, 2011

My man lives alone and I visit. He lets dishes pile up in the sink. I hate it, but I dont' say anything and just clean it up after I'm done cooking dinner/breakfast or whatever.

He eats all his meals from fresh and easy (prepared food)...I say nothing. It's his life when I'm not around, I'm not his mother. He works alot, if I want him to eat better then I better stock his fridge and make his meals every day in tupperware.

My man likes working out alone as do I. But I am lucky enough that he trains me 2-3 days a week when we're together. But if I want to work out alone, I tell him and so be it.

Sorry, but she sounds like an immature girl. She's trying to change you and one thing I've learned over the years, the more you try to change someone, the more they stay the same.

I wouldn't want my man changing me...therefore, I accept him. She needs to accept you and your faults or you need to find a woman who will.

I *do* think saying F you at her was over the top, but...she pushed you and that's her fault too. If a man said that to me, I'd be done. But I'd also have to look at what in my behavior caused him to talk to me that way if he never had before.

You can either talk to her about backing off on her criticism or find a new girlfriend. Not sure how you can love someone "so much" who obviously doesn't accept you for who you are.

October 28, 2011

My on-again-off-again gf of 2 years and I just got into a huge fight. Don't know how to fix it, hoping you could give advice.

We're actually not dating right now, we're "figuring things out." So I guess she's my ex/gf. Funny thing,"we're" always figuring things out, and yet this whole time I've always wanted a serious relationship with her. But that's another post.

Background: I feel like this girl is constantly picking at my flaws. For example, I've told her within a month of dating that I like to run alone. I explained why (about a dozen times now). And yet she is constantly, constantly pressuring me to run with her. When I tell her I don't want to, she rolls her eyes and tells me I'm ridiculous. It probably happens once a week (whether we're dating or not).

Or sometimes I get really busy and stressed at work, and I let dishes pile up in the sink for several days. Every time she sees it, she has to comment that I'm a disaster & need to get my life together. I'm a professional, I do well in my career, I feel like I'm a pretty together person. I just am more lax on housekeeping than she is. I know it's not awesome, but it's my house, I live alone, and she's just over visiting. And yet it's like she can't resist commenting on it.

Ditto with driving. I never have had an accident or a ticket, and yet my driving is "dangerous." For a long time she brought it up every. single. time. I drove. Literally.

But food is probably the biggest subject of her criticism. I never eat well enough. I work a lot, I'm saving money, and I hate cooking, so I usually buy frozen veggies and pre-prepared chicken at the store. It's cheap and it stores well so I don't have to constantly go to the store. According to her it's soooo unhealthy, and it makes her cringe every time she sees it and tell me I'm not treating my body well enough. She's not a perfect eater either, she doesn't go a day without cookies or ice cream--and yet my way is so much worse than hers.

Anyway, my (ex) gf and I went for a quick trip to the grocery store tonight. She'd already brought up the running thing earlier that evening, with exactly the same results as always. I say no, she rolls her eyes and tells me how dumb that is. So I was already annoyed. It's late, I'm tired and starving, and I start looking at pre-made dinners I could heat up instead of bothering to cook. Nothing crazy unhealthy, honestly. Certainly better than fast food! She comes up behind me and says, "Ugh, don't buy that, it's basically just pasta, chicken, and veggies. Cook it yourself, it'll take 15 minutes."

Well, that's when I snapped. I whispered "**** you." I knew as the words were coming out of my mouth I'd made a HUGE mistake. She stormed off,
we checked out in silence, and didn't say a word for about 15 minutes on the drive to her house. She finally said, "If you want to keep talking to me, you will never say '**** you' to me ever again." I told her I was sorry, and tried to explain why I was feeling so beat down and argumentative about the food thing. She basically told me she would never critcise me again
(not in an apologetic way, in a 'fine, I'll never open my mouth again' way). I dropped her off without any more said.

She'd normally text me to make sure I'd gotten home safely, but not tonight. That's a hint she's seriously pissed. What can I do to make it up to her (without becoming a total push-over that accepts constant criticism)?

Excuse me? YOU are wanting to make things better with HER? No no no no and no! I can't even think of a reason why you would want to be with someone like this. I can tell you as a woman the only reason I have ever picked at a man I'm dating is because I'm 1) very unhappy with him and/or 2) unhappy with myself. If she is unhappy with you then she needs to be woman enough to open her mouth (seems like she's pretty good at that) and let you know what's going on. If the problem is her then she needs to figure out what's going on and start working on it.

I don't like the fact that she's trying to cut into your running time. Every person has a right to do something alone and that's your thing. She should respect that. I don't care if your thing was to sit on the roof and scratch your ass or play with yourself for 45 minutes....you have a right to do it alone.

It's funny because she's putting you down for not cooking...well why doesn't she offer to cook for you? Must not care that much! That's what I would do for my man if I was concerned. And how long would it take for her to throw in a load of dishes in the dishwasher if she sees them piled up? I'm not saying she's your maid, but if it bothers her that much it's something she might wanna consider. In a relationship you take the good with the bad. You aren't pointing out all her "flaws" so if she can't find anything positive to say about you then why is she with you?

As far as what you said to her....wow. BUT....YOU SNAPPED! To me she's lucky that's all she got. Everyone has a breaking point so don't beat yourself up for it. She needs to know you are tired of putting up with her abuse. If it was you doing it to her you would be a bastard right? Why is it ok for her to do it to you then? You need to sit down and talk with her and tell her how you feel. Let her know what bothers you and set boundaries. Let her know you don't want to be picked at.

Anyway, hope this helps. I guess first you need to sit down and think about if you even want to be with her. Then proceed. Good luck.

October 28, 2011

This is what I would want to hear from you if I was her:

1.) Apologize for swearing (not explain why), just say that for you that is not acceptable in a relationship (and shouldn't be) and that you respect her too much to ever do that again. (do not engage, explain, fight about it further - you apologized, it shouldn't have happened, and you will never do it again.) You can acknowledge her feelings of being upset about it.

I absolutely agree with that. YOU did a bad thing by cursing at her, regardless of how near to the brink of insanity she's driven you with her nagging. As I'm sure your mom told you more than one time, 2 wrongs don't make a right!

2.) Say you would like to come to a compromise about the issues - the running, the food, and the dishes.
you'll go running with her once a month as a special date? (or get some ideas from her

And now I say, "NOOOOOOOOOO!" I do NOT think you need to compromise about things that are your own concern.

You can run alone, eat what you like and wash your dishes when you like. You don't live together. Those habits of yours really are not her business.

I think it would be respectful for you to not have a filthy kitchen if she is coming to visit you - or if you are having any company.

You could invite her for a run now and then, just to give her a thrill since it seems to be so important to her (maybe she really needs some motivation and wants a running partner to help with that?) I might have a different opinion if you rarely had time to spend with her because you were constantly out running by yourself, but that does not seem to be the case.

But still - not her biz.

Sounds like she has some boundary issues, and maybe you do too, since it sounds like you've been pretty accepting of what must be some prodigious nagging.

If you want to go forward with a committed relationship with this woman, I hope the two of you will learn some more positive ways of interacting.

But I think you're already forgiven for the FU.

October 28, 2011

I've told her within a month of dating that I like to run alone. I explained why (about a dozen times now). And yet she is constantly, constantly pressuring me to run with her.

I let dishes pile up in the sink for several days. Every time she sees it, she has to comment that I'm a disaster & need to get my life together.

Ditto with driving. I never have had an accident or a ticket, and yet my driving is "dangerous."

I hate cooking, so I usually buy frozen veggies and pre-prepared chicken at the store. It's cheap and... She's not a perfect eater either, she doesn't go a day without cookies or ice cream.

How I'd have handled it:

Running: Let her run with you but outrun her and then say, "If you want to run with me you have to keep up."

Dirty dishes: "I know how it bothers you but don't worry, I won't mind if you wash them. Thanks, honey!"

Driving: "Why don't I drop you back at your place to pick up your car and you can drive or else meet me there?"

Cooking: "Why don't you cook for me?"

Be matter of fact or use a kidding tone and then change the subject if she brings it up again. Don't make it a big deal, even though you are seething inside.

October 28, 2011

Do you even have a single positive thing to say about this girl? From your post, seems like a "girlfriend from hell".

October 28, 2011

Wow, I have to say I wasn't expecting so much bashing on my gf. Makes me feel a little better about blowing up on her like that.

To answer your questions, yes, I love her very much, I've been crazy about her all along. I tried to keep my post as short as possible, so didn't include anything that wasn't directly related to my issue with her; it's not that she doesn't have a million redeeming qualities. Apart from the criticism and keeping me at an arm's distance (emotionally/commitment-wise) she is a genuinely wonderful person. I have never known someone who was as present and thoughtful as she is. There is absolutely nothing I could ask for that she wouldn't give to me. I was seriously sick for weeks a month ago, and she was there every single day making sure I had everything I needed. She is someone I can always count on, 100%.

But I guess during this current "figuring things out" period we're in, I need to figure out how much criticism I can take, and figure out together how we can compromise so we are both fulfilled in a relationship together. All along I was sure if she'd just jump into our relationship with both feet we'd be awesome together, but after last night I guess I have more to think about.

No, we don't live together, we aren't even dating at the moment (technically). My messes are mine alone, and only get out of control during very stressful periods of my life. Oh! And when she's cooked in my kitchen recently.... The girl is an absolute slob when she cooks, and never cleans up after herself if she's in my house (but always does when she's in hers). It's of course fine if she's making food for both of us, it seems fair for me to clean if she cooks, but frequently she's just making food for herself (if I've already eaten, for example). Anyway, off subject, I'm just venting.

I sent a good night text last night, and with it apologized for saying what I did, that even though I felt provoked there is no excuse for using such language. She texted back saying it was ok, and didn't mention anything at all today when we got together.

I need to think very seriously if this girl can make me happy, since part of being happy is feeling like the person I'm with thinks highly of me. Damn, I really thought this girl could be the one for me for so long now, I hate to imagine her leaving my life.

She might be a lot of great things BUT her criticism of you will become like a pebble in your shoe......at first it can be relatively easy to ignore, then after awhile it becomes the whole focus.....also the things she is picking on you about are incredibly trivial too.....who cares if you run alone??

Plus you have to ask yourself at what point will she be happy?.....if you 'fix' all these flaws will she finally be truly happy.....I've seen many naggers that are never satisfied...they find something new to pick on....unless their personality in this area changes, you can always expect them to concentrate on your shortcomings.....mind you, it's what they consider to be your shortcomings ~ they may in fact be normal traits )

October 29, 2011

She's a nag. You said it cause you finally snapped and said something after bottling it all up. Why deal with this crap? I wouldn't want to. (That's one of the many reasons I'm single...)

This...been there and done that, move on, you'll be happy...you dont want anyone trying to control you

October 30, 2011

Sebastianthebear: There has been a lot of hand-wringing on this thread about whether or not you were justified in saying "**** you", whether it is a severe offense, whether or not you should apologize, what clever things you could say to your sort-of-girlfriend the next time she criticizes you, etc.

I think all this misses the point. It doesn't matter if you apologize or not. It doesn't matter if the pre-cooked chicken you buy is 80% breading or not, whether she's a neat-freak, whether you are truly a slob, and who is more at fault. Don't explain because it doesn't matter. Once a relationship enters the "**** you" stage, it is DONE. It's not just nasty words; it represents an erosion of boundaries that make respect possible, and without respect, there can be no love, only habits. It strips the dignity from both of you, and once you are in this place, there is no coming back. Sure, you can hobble along, but in all likelihood, you will see nothing but an escalation of bad behavior and increasingly severe mutual verbal abuse.

Think about what brought you to that point. Your sort-of-girlfriend criticizes everything you do. If she has so little respect for you, why is she with you? You are not her child, and she's not your mommy, so it's not like she's "stuck" having to mold you into what she thinks is an acceptable human being. If you are a walking problem, you certainly don't have to be her problem. And more importantly, why are you with her? "Love" is not a sufficient answer here: you won't stand up to her constant carping, and at the same time, you won't change to accommodate her demands, so what are you getting out of this whole sort-of-relationship?

Then there is that whole "off-and-on" thing. You know, I don't claim to be perfect. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes back in the day, but even at my most immature, I could never understand why some people have "off-and-on" relationships. It seems that they exist for one of three reasons: (1) extreme selfishness (keeping a spare lover around for periods of romantic hiatus); (2) cowardice (putting up with mistreatment in order to avoid being truly single) or (3) childishness (inability to definitively end it for the good of both parties and wanting some kind of cinematic "closure" that will never happen in real life). At the end of the day, you are single, but not free to move on; you have nothing to expect, yet if you go on a date with someone else, it feels like cheating. This is no way to live.

My honest advice? End it. As in, reallyreallyreallyreally for real this time -- no getting back together. But if you don't want to take the leap -- though I think it's a bad idea to continue this -- you and your off-and-on girlfriend have some serious issues to work out and questions to ask yourselves.

October 30, 2011

Ok, the running issue.... I was hoping not to explain it because it's a dumb personal issue, but what the heck. An ex from a few years ago (well before this girl) was a competitive marathon runner. I tried running with her, but even though I'm in reasonably good shape, I could never keep up with her. Instead of slowing down to my pace, she would make me feel absolutely pathetic and emasculated. It sounds silly, but her constant criticism made me feel so bad and self conscious that I stopped running entirely for several years. It was one of the (many) reasons we broke up and it remains baggage for me to this day.

I know it's something I should get over, but when I've agreed to run with someone in the past it's been miserable for me. I dread the run all day, and during the run I end up pushing myself too hard in order to "prove" I'm masculine, and get zero enjoyment from the run. I end feeling resentful of person who insisted on running with me, which creates pointless tension that wouldn't exist if I could go for my runs by myself like I like. We can do anything else together: hike, bike, swim, play sports, anything. Just for the love of god, let me run in peace. I look forward to my runs all day. It's just me and my dog, alone, giving me time to think and recenter. Am I so selfish to ask that it stay that way? Really?

I can totally relate, and no... I don't think keeping that time to yourself is selfish at all.

October 30, 2011

I am going to agree with most of the other posters. I mean honestly the stuff she nags you about isn't important at all really, I can see if it was something that was terrible or a 'dealbreaker' but running, food and driving? Not so much!

I admit I bug people occasionally about food but only fast food and crap because it is crap, but I cave once or twice a year two but frozen foods aren't even that bad if you get the right kind! I really think that couples do need time apart to do their own things so if running is something that you do alone I don't get the big deal and harm in that, and since I don't run cause of an old injury I will never bug someone about it, just like I wouldn't expect my guy to want to zumba with me lol. As for driving I can't judge cause I had two accidents when I was 18, one was with another person, their fault!!, and the other a basketball hoop so I didn't kill a bunny.

I really hope all works out for you!

October 30, 2011

By no, she should have either learnt to live with your " habbits" ( which, by the way, are not that bad... letting dishes pile up? come on man..).

She should have KNOWN your habits, and dealt with them; after a year or therabouts, a girl should either learn to accept these or LEAVE - staying around to nag is not a good way to be in a relationship. Seriously. She should just have left, if all she was going to do is nag at you....

My boyfriend is lazy as. He never cleans up, lets the house get disgusting.... he does not eat in the way I see is ideal ( and I was studying nutrition when we met.... major difference in food preferences!).

I have learnt to love my boyfriend for things beyond his bad habits. The messy thing? He wants to change - he accepts he will never be anal about cleaning, however; he wants to try to do better, and is determined to better himself in that way.

In regards to food? He is open and likes me to help him eat better. However, there are some foods he eats, that I enjoy healthier versions of, that he simply likes too much to give up.

AFter eating the same way for years, there are some foods he simply enjoys, like store brought filled ravioli with pre bought sauce; easier to get plain pasta or a brand with no added sugar and minimal chemicals, and make your white sauce. I have been too lazy to make it for him from scratch, so have no issue with him having an old favourite.

Tell your girlfriend to COOK chicken breassts, cut into strips, and rubbed /;coated in onion and garlic powder, and paprika, and all purpose seasoning. Fry them up, add them to frozen veggies, and add more seasoning or dressing.

If she is so grossed out with the way in which you eat, explain that you would really appreciate her helping you out once or twice a week; tell HER to SHOW you these " so called 15 minute meals". If it is THAT simple, surely swhe cares enough about u to cook up some " chicken, pasta, and veggies" for u both, for a nice dinner together a couple of nights a week?

I was VERY averse to chemicals and certain foods when I met my guy, however; I have learnt to NTO nag. Rather, if it bothers me that much, I MAKE healthier alternatives for him! SUrpsingly, he has loved some I have created!

I also make healthy sandwiches for him, finding breads that have noa dded sugar and minimal added nasties.I care about him and know he will like the healthier way I make certain foods, and I do not mind at all cooking for the person I am seeing.

As for the dishes? I seriosuly cannot BELIEVE she has a go at you, for letting dishes pile up for a few days in your OWN HOUSE! it is YOUR house, it is NONE of her BUSINESS if yu are too busy tio clean every day!

On the other hand; my guy does not have a job ( we are early 20's) right now, and has no real reason to be lazy. Yet, I love him for many reasons, and am prepared to let him change his messy ways, since he has said he will.

He has just been messy his whole life ( his mother did it all for him) and has sinced passed away. For whatever reason, he has not gotten his cleaning act together, however; he has expressed that it is nto acceptable to him, and he is going to try hard to change a little.

In your case, you HAVE a career.. you have a reason to be too busy to do dishes every day.... As liong as you are a nice and re spectable person, who treats your girl very well... she SHOULD NOT be nagging!

October 30, 2011