casuallyconfused Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Well....where do i begin. My BF broke up with me a month ago. Ive been the one in contact mostly with him. I couldnt go NC. I really love him even still. I want to be back on his life but he broke up over something fixable to me but not to him. He has a zero tolerance policy. LOL He had so many bad relationships in his past that now he wont tolerate much. Im easy going and more tolerant to things. Well we are going to meet Saturday night for the first time since the break up. Im excited and nervous. We have both mutually decided to stay friends but also continue our sexual relationship for now because the sex was great. I have wondered for those of you who have done this...what was your experience like? How long did it last? Did you ever get back together because of the sex and the feelings that came back?
MizHoney2U Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 From what I've read, heard, and personal experience... it usually doesn't rekindle the relationship... but who knows.
eleanorhurting Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Maybe it could work once in a while but more often not and it can lead to a whole lot of heartbreak. many people here have been in similar situations like myself, confusedT and Bluv (sorry if it bothers you that I mention you guys!) and it has brought so much heartbreak. I seriously do not recommend it.
MizHoney2U Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Another thing... Maybe if you are strong enough to hold out... that could possibly ignite the passion and make him realize that he should give it another chance. Think about it, you'll be giving him what he wants... is that all you want too? No bargaining with the heart.
fallenenvy Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 My ex used me for sex at one point.. and i let him... because i thought it might help us get back together; and it didn't. Just crushed me all the more when i realized i was just a happy fix before he went to another girl and told me it was a mistake to be "friends with benefits" and he didn't want me. Reopened everything i had tried so hard to heal when he left... and lead to much much much more time crying over him that i could've been feeling better. Just be careful. Don't go into this thinking it will fix things. Maybe it will short term.. maybe you will even get back together.. but at the same time you run the risk of leaving yourself open and ending up hurt all the more later on. You want back with him.... seems like he said he doesn't because of his no tolerance and he just wants someone to sleep with and not be committed to. In my head you would be selling yourself short to allow this to happen. That being said i don't think it is a good idea. (maybe i'm just bitter from personal exp.... but who knows) best of luck to you either way.
carhill Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Did you ever get back together because of the sex and the feelings that came back? Given his history and a male's general psychology, once 'feelings' are gone, they're gone. Sure, he'll continue to enjoy sexual relations; the fact that he would break up with you and want to just continue the sexual part underscores his psychology on such matters. Why did he break up with you? That might sway my opinion. The most obvious thing you'll notice if he's disconnected is a general feeling of coldness from him in the hours and days after sex, compared to when you were a couple, until he wants it again. If that happens, up to you what you want to do with it. Lastly, tying your heart up like this, with hope that sex will 'bring him around', delays your healing and availability for another relationship. I guess it's a calculated risk. Hope it works out.
BLuvv Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 No, I don't mind being mentioned at all. In fact, if my story can save someone the pain I have gone through all the better. You can read through my posts. After, I broke up I ended up in a fwb, not exactly my choice, but I didn't say no (takes two to tango, im guilty as well). It's been a year and it has kept me from moving on. If you still love someone and are trying to keep them around or thinking sleeping with them will make them realize they want to be with you, it wont work. I know first hand. I just feel used and so much more hurt and the thing is they owe you nothing so when they find someone new, and they will, how will you feel then. I found out last night about the other girl and I was crushed. I learned the hard way. Honestly, I think the only way fwb would work if it's with people who aren't in love at all. There are just too many emotions ans hopes and expectations with an ex and you're bound to get disappointed. In the end, it's up to you what to do. But I would say don't go there. Find someone else who will cherish you, as well.
fallenenvy Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 It's been a year and it has kept me from moving on. If you still love someone and are trying to keep them around or thinking sleeping with them will make them realize they want to be with you, it wont work. I know first hand. I just feel used and so much more hurt and the thing is they owe you nothing so when they find someone new, and they will, how will you feel then. :-( Same thing with me. I'm sorry you had to go through that as well... your post looks like i could've written it myself..... It took me almost 2 years after that crap to get over it. Was almost like being dumped all over again when he got another girl. sex is almost never the answer to "rekindling feelings" but i suppose on rarw occasions it can work. I just hope cconfused doesn't get hurt.....
geegirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) I gained much perspective from her articles after my break-up. Hope this helps you. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/sex-with-the-ex/ Personally, I feel, 1) you demote yourself in his eyes, he doesn't look at you as a GF anymore but someone he just has sex with. No way up after that 2) He loses respect for you because you would stoop to any level to keep him in your life. 3) It only works when you have no feelings. 4) If you are doing it to rekindle, a big risk and most times, you will walk away wounded. Honestly, is the sex that great that you would take such a gamble on your emotional health? Good luck to you. Edited October 26, 2011 by geegirl
Author casuallyconfused Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 This is not my account. This is my friends. I didnt wanna register so she said i could use hers to ask my questions. Sorry
Chi townD Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Uh huh...well, why don't you register so you don't casuallyconfuse the rest of us.
Author casuallyconfused Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Sorry. I just figured this was a good subject that a lot of people had either had experience with or not. I dont know if he will even show up this weekend. He says he will...but who knows. Im planning a simple bowling fun meeting and just see how it goes from there.
geegirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Sorry. I just figured this was a good subject that a lot of people had either had experience with or not. I dont know if he will even show up this weekend. He says he will...but who knows. Im planning a simple bowling fun meeting and just see how it goes from there. Why would you even ask the question when you already have your heart set on it? Would you devalue yourself just to hopefully entice this man to want you back in an R? The moment you define yourself as a woman that he just has sex with, there is where you will always stay. A man wants to love a woman that respects herself. If you sleep with him under this arrangement, you not only demote yourself, he will look at you as a plaything and don't forget, what's going to happen when he tells you one day he can't see you anymore because he is seeing someone else. Then you are going to go ballistic and he will look at you and go, "you agreed that it was just F******." Please, find your self-respect, your value and your dignity. No man will take you seriously if you have no boundaries and self-love. And you were the one making most contact. Doesn't that tell you that he is not interested in "loving you like that" anymore?
LovelyDaze Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Please do register on your own so other LS members won't get your situations totally mixed up. To help with you current problem on this forum, I would strongly recommend not to involve yourselves with any FWB arrangement. I am currently dating a "nice guy" for the past two months and it's going great. But I came on LS 2 years ago from a very painful breakup where my ex dumped me, got engaged and then wanted a FWB with me. Unless you feel 100% indifferent about your ex where you could give a rat's behind if he is dating someone else or not, then a FWB is not advised. Trust me, you will be hurt worse than you can ever imagine because you will think great sex will "remind" your ex that you should be together gain. Doesn't happen. Once something is broken, it is never the same, different and probably worse.
geegirl Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Why would you even ask the question when you already have your heart set on it? Would you devalue yourself just to hopefully entice this man to want you back in an R? The moment you define yourself as a woman that he just has sex with, there is where you will always stay. A man wants to love a woman that respects herself. If you sleep with him under this arrangement, you not only demote yourself, he will look at you as a plaything and don't forget, what's going to happen when he tells you one day he can't see you anymore because he is seeing someone else. Then you are going to go ballistic and he will look at you and go, "you agreed that it was just F******." Please, find your self-respect, your value and your dignity. No man will take you seriously if you have no boundaries and self-love. And you were the one making most contact. Doesn't that tell you that he is not interested in "loving you like that" anymore? You are the type that needs to be dragged through the mud over and over again before you realize what a big mistake you've made. Sorry for being harsh but come here, post and try to learn something. Don't post and ignore what everyone is saying and do as you please. What is your objective? Have fun bowling.
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