confused kitty Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 My ex broke up with me recently after 5months ( hes going through a rough patch in his life and trying to sort himself out) he said he still feels exactly the same for me but that he needs to focus on getting himself sorted out.. He was the one that would say he wanted to marry me one day, and that he could only ever see himself with me and nobody else, saying I was perfect for him... when we spoke last Monday he also said he wanted too remain friends but thaught it was best not to talk for a month or so. He assured me there was nobody else saying that he just couldnt handle a relationship right now with everything going on and assured me once again that he still felt the same for me... This broke my heart and he knows it I told him I still loved him very much but that unless he was willing to meet me half way then i was done, saying its up to you now... And leaving the ball in his court.... I started NC and intended on sticking to it! So 4 days later he responds to an old email I sent him two weeks ago (it was a stupid email asking him about a website,) there really was no reason for him to respond to it at this point. Feeling alone and miserable I broke NC and replyed by saying "Thanks for the web info" and left it at that thinkng he wouldnt bother responding, but he does and asks how im doing etc, (i lied and said i was fine) we sent afew messages but I cut it short saying i was busy (lie) The thing is it felt really nice to be talking to him again, and felt like nothing had been going on between us... The worst part of all this is, he wasnt only my boyfriend but also my best friend - and even though I miss "us" I also really really miss having him as a friend to talk to... Ive been having afew family problems recently too and feeling really upset last night and at rock bottom I text him telling him how bad everything is and that I miss having him to talk to ( I never mentioned any feelings for him or our relationship) He text back first thing this morning saying hes sorry he was in bed early last night and didnt get the text, he said I could talk to him anytime and that i didnt need to appolagise for it, that he really meant it when he said he wanted to be friends and that hed help in any way he could... we endid up texting all day, with me telling him whats been going on and him giving me advice. It felt really good to be talking to him again and as before, it felt just like old times, as if everything between us was fine... We never spoke about our relationship or feelings, ( i was hopeing he would) but we joked around too it wasnt all serious conversation, He said he had to go as Celine was calling around, and that it was good chatting and he hoped I was ok. Imediatly he sent another text saying "you remember Celine, shes my cousin, incase you had forgot and was worried" I knew straight away who she was and thaught nothing of it, until he sent that last text.. So my question is: 1) Was he concerned incase I did think it was someone he was seeing??? 2) Is he still genuinely interested and is there any chance of geting him back??? Im just so confused, I know if he really didnt care then he wouldnt be talking to me at all - thats just the way he is... he said he didnt want to speak for a month yet he responded to a stupid old email after 4days??? Sorry that was so long but id really appriciate if anyone could try make some sence of it all
Author confused kitty Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Also this might sound childish, but hes been listening to love songs on youtube and only yesterday "liked" one with lyrics such as "il pick up the pieces and build you a house", " il do it all for you, in time" and "after all ive done, i think i love you better now" (its Ed Sheerans Lego Hse incase anyone is wondering) like I said this sounds childish and insignificint but hes really into his music and lyrics of a song mean Alot to him - hes real soft that way. And those lyrics are practically identical to the plans we had made about geting a place of our own in the new year Maybe im just reading waay too much into all this but it gave me a little hope....
stargirl259 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Hi Confused Kitty... even I'm confused with his response and I am in a similar situation with my ex. They do like to mess with our heads, don't they!! I have been reading too much into my situation and then it drives me insane after I have thought of all the possibilities. It does seems he still cares for you but does he care for you now as his partner or as a friend I don't know. My ex contacted me after a few days of NC to tell me to turn a particular channel on so we could watch a film together... (one of my favourite films), whether he did that because he still has feelings for me or if he sees me as a friend, I will never know. All I can say is keep strong hun and keep your head up... just play it by ear, I hope it all goes well! x
Author confused kitty Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Thanks for your reply Stargirl259, Yea dont they just!!! why cant they just make it black and white - I dont like this grey area at all Like you, Im doing far too much thinking about him, and all the "what ifs" but its like the more I try to stop the more Im doing it...grrrr Its just so horrible to be in all the confusion (as if the hurt and lonelyness wasnt bad enough) I feel a little better knowing Im not the only one trying to work through this haze May I ask if your doing the whole NC thing with your ex?? Or would you advise it im my case?? I find this impossible, Im starting again as from 2pm today- just hope I can be strong enough with myself when I get the urge to call.. Deep down i really dont feel like this is over, I feel as if we only touched the tip of something great His mum wants to meet for lunch soon, which Im half looking forward to and half dreading :/ Thanks again for your great advice, best of luck to you too
stargirl259 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 The grey area is awful!! I have been doing the NC thing since Sunday and I have to admit hun, it's horrible! I am still friends with him on Facebook and MSN and find it horrible when he signs on but doesn't speak to me. Have to be honest, it really hurts but my thinking is if fate wants us together it will happen. It's the only thing that's getting me through this. I would try the NC and see how you do, it's not easy but believe me, if he's anything like my ex, the NC will make him miss you and to a point drive him insane because he doesn't know what your thinking but at the same time, makes you a stronger person. I hope that helps hun x
Author confused kitty Posted October 28, 2011 Author Posted October 28, 2011 Thank you both soo much for your advice Ive just spent 3 hours on the phone to him, it was all very emotional (on both sides) we laughed and cryed and then done both at the same time! He says hes still crazy about me and loves me very much, how he cant stop thinking about me and misses me more than anything - he even asked could he call around and have this conversation in person (he lives an hour away and it was 11pm so I say no) He says main reason hes hesitent in continuing our relationship is that with all his personal problems and trying to sort his life out, he doesnt feel like hes putting 100% into our relationship and that he doesnt feel this is fair on me and he would never dream of asking me to wait for him... We discussed all the options and he admits he didnt realise just how cut up i really was about all this, lack of sleep, no appetite - the usual heart broken symptoms!!! It was past 2am so we both reluctently agreed to sleep on it and talk again tomorrow... Its not much of an update and Im really trying not to get my hopes up but I just had to release some of the excitement and nerves if I am ever to get to sleep tonight Its a tiny bit of light at the end of the tunnel - fingers crossed and il keep you all posted
HappyFlower Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 The talking is good, that means he still thinks about you. Tho by replying to an old email for no reason whatsoever 4 days into NC, I think he was just testing you to see if you'd hold to your boundaries If I was in your shoes, I'd go NC for a few weeks (tho I'm hardly one to talk I'm RUBBISH at it! lol). He has decided to end your r'ship because he has lots he wants to sort out - is he doing those things? NC will give him time to concentrate on the stuff he has to sort out that the left you for, and more importantly for you to heal, and to think really hard - do you want to be with someone who runs away when theres a problem? But then keeps you around, knowing how much its hurting you? NC is really hard...I've only ever got as far as 8 days and caved lol. However my ex said something horrible to me by text the other day so now I'm not having so much of a problem!
norajane Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 My ex broke up with me recently after 5months ( hes going through a rough patch in his life and trying to sort himself out) he said he still feels exactly the same for me but that he needs to focus on getting himself sorted out.. I do not understand this. What is he going through that he needs to end his romantic relationship with you to "sort himself out"? What does "sort himself out" mean? Why did he need to not talk to you for a month? How would that help him sort himself out? Is there an end date to this? What needs to happen for him to have "sorted himself out" and he can be in a relationship with you again? How old are you two? I ask because this seems like an immature way to deal with problems. Consider it this way, if you were married and he was going through problems, would he need to get away from you in order to sort himself out? Married people work together and support each other. Life is ALWAYS going to create problems and issues in a person's life. And people don't get away from their significant others in order to deal with them. If they did, they'd always be getting away from their SO's because there are ALWAYS problems. If his way of dealing with problems is to shut you out, not speak with you, and break up with you, he is not capable of a mature relationship.
joseph17 Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 Sometimes a guy gets caught up in not feeling they are man enough to take care of their woman and for some reason instead of staying with their girl choose to leave. Maybe it was a test to see if you really love him. Who knows why people think the way they do. I am guessing here that he must have not felt worthy of taking care of you for what ever reason. I do not know your 2 past but either way you still talking is a great since. I kinda feel that the NC rule should only be applied if you are truly trying to get rid of someone. Too many times I have seen people loose their loved ones because they cut all contact. This only opens the door for someone else and for your loved one to start not thinking of you. It sounds like you are on the right track though. He misses you and admitts it so just give him the space he needs and he will be in your arms in know time
Author confused kitty Posted October 28, 2011 Author Posted October 28, 2011 Sometimes a guy gets caught up in not feeling they are man enough to take care of their woman and for some reason instead of staying with their girl choose to leave. Maybe it was a test to see if you really love him. Who knows why people think the way they do. I am guessing here that he must have not felt worthy of taking care of you for what ever reason. I do not know your 2 past but either way you still talking is a great since. I kinda feel that the NC rule should only be applied if you are truly trying to get rid of someone. Too many times I have seen people loose their loved ones because they cut all contact. This only opens the door for someone else and for your loved one to start not thinking of you. It sounds like you are on the right track though. He misses you and admitts it so just give him the space he needs and he will be in your arms in know time This is exactly whats going on Joseph17, Some back ground for you all is that hes just gone through a methadone detox (mid August) hes 25 and Im 22. Obviously this has been extremley tough on him and his confidence is now at an all time low due to losing alot of weight, hes also feeling a little depressed and guilty for putting his family and loved ones through so much. As Joseph17 said, he felt like he couldnt even look after himself never mind me (I told him Im a big girl I can look after myself) but he said thats not the point , its supposed to be my job to protect you and make you happy and at the moment Im not sure I can offer you that, he said he felt like a helpless little kid and I deserved so much more than this, he said I deserved a man that could offer me all those things... He also admitted that he knew I loved him but he genuinely didnt think I would take the break up so badly and he sounded very hurt when I told him just how bad I was feeling, he appolagised and was nearly crying at this point. He said he has absaloutley no interest in meeting anyone else, as he knows Im The One( I also feel this way) he just felt like he was holding me back and agrees he pushed me away because he felt i deserved so much better... He says hes feeling a little better everyday (physically,mentally and emotionaly) and he feels like hes geting back to himself. We both agreed we couldnt do NC, he admitted he was trying not to contact me and he couldnt stick to it... So right now i guess were friends, and for now Im ok with that, I explained my fears of the dreaded "friend Zone" and he assured me I could never be, just a friend to him, there was way too much chemistry and he loved me far too much for that. So were taking things slowly, I told him I didnt want to put any pressure on him to get back together until he was ready but that Im here to help and support him as much as I can because thats what people do for others that they love.. Again he was almost crying (but wouldnt admit it ha) and said he feels he doesnt deserve me right now and promised that one day hed make me the happiest girl in the world and give me everything I deserved and more Im sure people reading this will point out "Red Flags" but overall Im feeling happy, I might not have him back completley but Im alot closer than I was two days ago Keep you posted!! Ps - Ed Sheerans Lego House has now become "our song", he admitted listening to it while thinking of me and said the lyrics suited our situation perfectly right now lol
joseph17 Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 Okay this explains a lot. People with an addiction and one that used to be heroine are more likely to push away the ones they love first. I am sorry that you have to deal with that and you sound like you love him so keep by his side.The friend zone can only be entered really if you allow it. Still be sexual with him and make him feel good. This is a hard addiction to quit but the ending process of getting rid of all the drugs. He needs you more now than he probably admits and because of his stubbornness won't admit it.
Author confused kitty Posted October 28, 2011 Author Posted October 28, 2011 (edited) Okay this explains a lot. People with an addiction and one that used to be heroine are more likely to push away the ones they love first. I am sorry that you have to deal with that and you sound like you love him so keep by his side.The friend zone can only be entered really if you allow it. Still be sexual with him and make him feel good. This is a hard addiction to quit but the ending process of getting rid of all the drugs. He needs you more now than he probably admits and because of his stubbornness won't admit it. Thank you so so much Joseph17, you have no idea how much that means to me, as all I seem to hear is, walk away hes a loser, hes no good etc but he really is a lovely person and very kind and loving, unfortunetly he just got involved with the wrong people as a teenager.. He has said he needs me, as Im the only person he feels he can openly and honestly talk to but this also made him feel guilty as he felt he was using me by not been able to give me anything in return. I explained to him thats all part of a relationship, been there for one another when they need you and thats not "using" me.. Right now hes doing good physically, but mentally and emotionally hes his own worst enemy because hes sooo hard on himself, but Im trying to show him theres no need to beat himself up over his past. And like you said they really do push away the people closest to them, and it wasnt just me. As for staying out of the friend zone by keeping sexual with him - have you a lend of a stick to beat him away lol (just kidding) Once again, Thank you for your great advice Edited October 28, 2011 by confused kitty
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