libido...

[gozone77]

My wife and I are having a hard time. We're going through some issues. Fights are frequent. Resentment is plentiful. There's a lot of BS going around.

 

There was a point in our marriage (married for 2 years now) when she wanted sex a lot, but she was also saying/doing things to me that got me depressed and hurt my libido. I've worked on my stuff and gotten myself to a better place. As a result, my libido has returned to normal. Now she's withholding intimacy. Granted, she's not affectionate at all anyway. Now, she doesn't even do anything sexual. I've tried to start something almost every night to no avail.

 

I feel really selfish saying this, but at this point my needs are so not taken care of that I'm starting to think about trying to find someone else. Yes, I do try taking care of myself, but that only goes so far. I feel almost rabid sometimes. Anyone have some advice?

[Bryanp]

If this is happening and you have only been married 2 years, it may be time to think about cutting your loses and move on.

[Feelin Frisky]

If this is happening and you have only been married 2 years, it may be time to think about cutting your loses and move on.

 

This^. Bad marriages usually just get worse. You haven't lost that much so consider moving on before you blow away decades on a hopless relationship.

[Kidd]

Before you cheat, you have an obligation to sit her down and discuss this with her. If you have to, tell her you're so unhappy that you're considering leaving the marriage. Give her a choice. Be prepared to hear that she may need changes from you as well. Welcome to marriage. You have no right to expect her to ignorantly stay in the marriage while you break your vows because you're too much of a coward to address the problem.

[StoneCold]

You have no right to expect her to ignorantly stay in the marriage while you break your vows because you're too much of a coward to address the problem.

 

The wife has no right breaking her vows by disrespecting him either; the fact that she has her own fair share of issues are no excuse either. Its a toxic marriage...read "alpha wife"

 

I do recommend that the OP voice his concerns first though....because if she ignores his concerns, mocks him and "tramples" in the process (read his other post....I wouldnt be surprised if she does this) and he does end up cheating at least she cant say he didnt warn her. Ideally he'd want to leave immediately but divorcing isnt an "immediate" process (neither is separation unless he has another home that sits vacant just for times like this) )judging from the type of person she is it will be quite a process and there will be alot of "hardball" at play...he will have to do this at some point but his needs appear to be now.

 

IMHO with the attitude she has in their marriage; and the state that the marriage appears to be in.... he owes her nothing but a warning shot (for his own benefit). She ignores it...tough luck for whatever happens

Edited October 26, 2011 by StoneCold

[gozone77]

I have tried to speak up, but depending on her mood and how she's approaching issues both in the marriage and in other parts of her life, it can be at times be pointless.

 

The general message I've gotten in this and the other post is to stand my ground and speak up to her (and to not back down if she redirects blame or trys to change topics). It's me that's in charge of my life and my happiness. Tell her what's not okay and what I'm experiencing and that, despite what she says, yes my feelings are valid, yes men do express their feelings, no it's not always about me, yes I mess up sometimes too, and yes sometimes she'd better be sorry about what she does rather than making it a pissing contest.

 

The urges part of this topic is just me being human. If she respects me, she'll try to accommodate and work out some compromise (usually when she gripes she seems to expect me to snap to attention).

Edited October 26, 2011 by gozone77

[StoneCold]

The general message I've gotten in this and the other post is to stand my ground and speak up to her (and to not back down if she redirects blame or trys to change topics). It's me that's in charge of my life and my happiness. Tell her what's not okay and what I'm experiencing and that, despite what she says, yes my feelings are valid, yes men do express their feelings, no it's not always about me, yes I mess up sometimes too, and yes sometimes she'd better be sorry about what she does rather than making it a pissing contest.

 

 

 

Dude...you dont have to engage her in any sort of a pissing contest. Tell her your concerns and whats at stake.....if she chooses to dismiss you, ignore you, fight with you or whatever rather than listen....thats on her...shes been warned...end of story

[bentnotbroken]

My wife and I are having a hard time. We're going through some issues. Fights are frequent. Resentment is plentiful. There's a lot of BS going around.

 

There was a point in our marriage (married for 2 years now) when she wanted sex a lot, but she was also saying/doing things to me that got me depressed and hurt my libido. I've worked on my stuff and gotten myself to a better place. As a result, my libido has returned to normal. Now she's withholding intimacy. Granted, she's not affectionate at all anyway. Now, she doesn't even do anything sexual. I've tried to start something almost every night to no avail.

 

I feel really selfish saying this, but at this point my needs are so not taken care of that I'm starting to think about trying to find someone else. Yes, I do try taking care of myself, but that only goes so far. I feel almost rabid sometimes. Anyone have some advice?

 

 

Is she withholding intimacy or your actions hurt her libido. Where you withholding sex when you say she hurt you?Did she cheat when you weren't fulfilling her needs? Are the situations similar just at different times for each of you? What are the 2 of you doing outside of sex to become more desirable to the other?

[gozone77]

Is she withholding intimacy or your actions hurt her libido. Where you withholding sex when you say she hurt you?Did she cheat when you weren't fulfilling her needs? Are the situations similar just at different times for each of you? What are the 2 of you doing outside of sex to become more desirable to the other?

 

We have some issues now, but I've still tried to initiate things. She's turned me down. Back when I wasn't fulfilling her needs, I never said no; I just didn't initiate anything on my own (and felt resentful when she would start something).

 

She did join AshleyMadison.com (a website for married people to cheat), and I caught her through her email although she'd dropped hints she was going to do something "big". I let it go for a couple of weeks before confronting her. When I did, she was indignant that I'd known her email password without telling her. She says she didn't actually meet up with anyone (just chat over email), but she wasn't exactly on her knees begging for forgiveness.

 

We're not doing much for each other in terms of being more desirable. We're just in our normal work-home-son-responsiblities-hobbies routine.

Edited October 27, 2011 by gozone77

[nofool4u]

IMHO with the attitude she has in their marriage; and the state that the marriage appears to be in.... he owes her nothing but a warning shot (for his own benefit). She ignores it...tough luck for whatever happens

 

Well maybe you missed where he said this:

There was a point in our marriage (married for 2 years now) when she wanted sex a lot, but she was also saying/doing things to me that got me depressed and hurt my libido

 

didn't sound to me like she was refusing him, and he used her words as an excuse to deny her.

 

so by your logic, which you have posted over an over again on this site, since he refused her sex in the beginning, she, like you, should have went out and had an affair to take her sex life back, no?

[gozone77]

didn't sound to me like she was refusing him, and he used her words as an excuse to deny her.

 

so by your logic, which you have posted over an over again on this site, since he refused her sex in the beginning, she, like you, should have went out and had an affair to take her sex life back, no?

 

I've never said no to her when she initiates. If she's said or done something pretty "heavy", yeah, I get depressed and won't initiate. Then again, even in that time when she wanted it and it wasn't happening often enough, I'd try to start something after some heavy fights only to be rejected.

 

Even still, I guess not initiating when she says she wants more is still denying her.

[StoneCold]

Well maybe you missed where he said this:

 

Oh I didnt miss it

 

didn't sound to me like she was refusing him, and he used her words as an excuse to deny her.

 

so by your logic, which you have posted over an over again on this site, since he refused her sex in the beginning, she, like you, should have went out and had an affair to take her sex life back, no?

 

 

 

In this case its a two way street in a very toxic marriage...so if you are going to verbally attack someone incessantly and they dont want to have sex with you as a result....then you cant say you didnt see that coming....however on the other end of it If she feels like shes being cheated out of sex...its her call to do something or not about it....if she does she does...if she doesnt she doesnt...what she SHOULD do is not up to me to decide....its her call

 

But since you love taking this back to my situation (because I can see you coming a mile away lmao)....... I'll be a little premptive here and tell you that its a poor comparison because I never abused my wife and then wondered why she wasnt interested in sex...... I dont subscribe to "the beatings will continue until morale improves" line of thinking....and again just to beat you to the punch...NO I am no longer looking for an improvement in morale (not for a long time)

 

...and then of course thers this

 

I've never said no to her when she initiates. If she's said or done something pretty "heavy", yeah, I get depressed and won't initiate. Then again, even in that time when she wanted it and it wasn't happening often enough, I'd try to start something after some heavy fights only to be rejected.

 

Even still, I guess not initiating when she says she wants more is still denying her.

 

....while gozone never initiated when feeling depressed he never did tell her no thus not out right refusing her...and I do see a reasonable effort being put in and thats what counts

 

 

 

Once again nofool has no point...surpised?....not in the slightest

Edited October 27, 2011 by StoneCold

[nofool4u]

In this case its a two way street in a very toxic marriage...so if you are going to verbally attack someone incessantly and they dont want to have sex with you as a result....then you cant say you didnt see that coming

 

and I can understand the not wanting to have sex with someone whose words can kill if for you, but according to him it was a two way street with the yelling and arguments, yet she still wanted to have sex with him.

 

so he denied her. not saying he is right or wrong there. but if she became accustomed to not having sex, and stopped trying to initiate it, then NOW it is a problem that he isn't getting it. She could have gone out and cheated. Instead she just got use to her husband not wanting to have sex with her.

 

 

....however on the other end of it If she feels like shes being cheated out of sex...its her call to do something or not about it....if she does she does...if she doesnt she doesnt...what she SHOULD do is not up to me to decide....its her call

 

But since you love taking this back to my situation

 

I don't love taking it back to your situation, I would just expect a little consistency. Seems you have a problem with women denying men sex, and rightfully so, but not the other way around.

 

 

I'll be a little premptive here and tell you that its a poor comparison because I never abused my wife and then wondered why she wasnt interested in sex

 

so you say. I've heard time and time again from cheaters, and not necessarily you in this matter, that if someone was cheated on, then it had to be something the BS was or wasn't doing to cause it.

 

then likewise, if your wife wasn't having sex with you, it would make sense that there was a reason, no?

 

But I digress, this isn't about you, its is about this man and his wife.

 

....while gozone never initiated when feeling depressed he never did tell her no thus not out right refusing her...and I do see a reasonable effort being put in and thats what counts

 

where did he say the bolded part?

 

oh, its what counts that HE is now putting in the effort, but not when she was. did it not count that during their fights that she was the one initiating the sex/affection? apparently not.

 

Just like you chastised a woman here for neglecting her husband and only NOW that he has cheated does she seem to care, you did a 180 in this case. NOW this guy is upset because he wife is not giving to him what he gave to her in the way of neglect?

 

I don't expect you to be consistent, and wonder if its because the gender roles are reversed. Either way, why the inconsistency?

Edited October 27, 2011 by nofool4u

[nofool4u]

The urges part of this topic is just me being human.

 

well when you didn't have a high libido when she was initiating all the sex, wouldn't you think she would have urges too? You can't put this all on her.

 

Trust me, I'm with you, I understand how words can kill the mood, but the words, according to you, came from your side too, yet she still wanted to get jiggy wit ya.

 

And if you ended up refusing her too many times, wouldn't you think she just got use to it and stopped trying? Maybe she saw it as almost having to grovel for sex, and she wasn't going to do that any longer.

 

 

If she respects me, she'll try to accommodate and work out some compromise (usually when she gripes she seems to expect me to snap to attention).

 

I agree, but it takes two of you. you don't get to neglect her and then expect her to be the one to accommodate now that she has grown accustom to not getting sex.

 

Its going to take an effort by the both of you. In this situation I see neither of you any worse or better with regards to the roles you played in the problems. So now you have to be equal in fixing them. And you have to realize, she probably is just use to not getting sex.

 

Tell me, did she compensate for not getting sex? in other words, did she resort to masturbation? If so, she may have grown to like that more. Not because having sex with you wouldn't be better, but she can have sex as much as she wants and almost when she wants so to speak.

 

anyway, what do you plan to do if you sit her down and talk to her about all of this. have you considered going out for a nice dinner, relaxing with some wine and just calmly suggesting that you both should try to make the effort?

[nofool4u]

I've never said no to her when she initiates.

 

ah, ok, thanks for that clarification. you said no, but what was the outcome? you said your libido took a dive, did the job not get finished? this is not a stab a you my man. emotional baggage can take a toll.

 

is there anything you can think of as to why she isn't having sex any longer? do you suspect she is cheating?

[gozone77]

Tell me, did she compensate for not getting sex? in other words, did she resort to masturbation? If so, she may have grown to like that more.

No, to my knowledge she didn't compensate. She just got frustrated. I know I compensated by masturbating on my own most days (I still wanted sex sorta...but not with her). When we did have sex, it'd go all the way, but to this day she says I was just getting my once a month fix because of being horny.

 

anyway, what do you plan to do if you sit her down and talk to her about all of this. have you considered going out for a nice dinner, relaxing with some wine and just calmly suggesting that you both should try to make the effort?

That'd be ideal, but we don't even really do that sort of stuff. She's not into fancy dinners or date nights or romantic stuff. If we go out, it's usually for lunch at the mall and then running errands or doing some shopping. We don't do well at just sitting down and talking stuff out because usually resentment on one side or the other comes out. I learned several years ago that if I didn't start firing back when she fired that I was just her whipping boy.

 

is there anything you can think of as to why she isn't having sex any longer? do you suspect she is cheating?

Well, she's having some medical issues (fibroids) and related pains. That's understandable. I'm sure her drive to be intimate with me is as low as mine is to be with her given all the stuff she criticises me about. There's baggage from various issues past and present. I had a friend suggest that even if she couldn't have sex now because of the medical stuff, there was still bjs and even just spending romantic time together.

 

No, I don't think she's cheating.

Edited October 27, 2011 by gozone77

[StoneCold]

I don't love taking it back to your situation, I would just expect a little consistency. Seems you have a problem with women denying men sex, and rightfully so, but not the other way around.

 

 

Show to me where I said I dont have a problem with men denying sex.... did the OP not clearly say he never refused her? ...... I may be able to relate more to the other way round but that doesnt mean I favour it more than the other....and never said or implied it

 

 

I've even supported other women here who are being refused....ConfusedinKansas for one..... so I dont see where you are going with this

 

 

so you say. I've heard time and time again from cheaters, and not necessarily you in this matter, that if someone was cheated on, then it had to be something the BS was or wasn't doing to cause it.

 

then likewise, if your wife wasn't having sex with you, it would make sense that there was a reason, no?

 

But I digress, this isn't about you, its is about this man and his wife..

 

Possible...but if after me approaching her countless times in a non threatening way to inquire what is wrong and what can be fixed and she says "nothing.... I just dont feel like it"..... one has no choice to assume that you didnt abuse them.

 

and yes you did digress

 

where did he say the bolded part?

 

Do I really have to go back and point this out to you?

 

 

oh, its what counts that HE is now putting in the effort, but not when she was. did it not count that during their fights that she was the one initiating the sex/affection? apparently not.

 

Just like you chastised a woman here for neglecting her husband and only NOW that he has cheated does she seem to care, you did a 180 in this case. NOW this guy is upset because he wife is not giving to him what he gave to her in the way of neglect?

 

I don't expect you to be consistent, and wonder if its because the gender roles are reversed. Either way, why the inconsistency?

 

 

Reread what he said...closely...if you notice there was a past tense angle as in not now....back when the problem arose....he did what he could...suffering libido and all he tried....he never said no....he didnt initiate as much but he did make a strong effort to do it...read nofool...read it again

 

No inconsistency here nofool....you're just not reading....and I cant help that...sorry

Edited October 27, 2011 by StoneCold

[nofool4u]

No, to my knowledge she didn't compensate. She just got frustrated.

 

I guess if you weren't turning her down, what was she frustrated about?

 

 

Well, she's having some medical issues (fibroids) and related pains. That's understandable. I'm sure her drive to be intimate with me is as low as mine is to be with her given all the stuff she criticises me about. There's baggage from various issues past and present. I had a friend suggest that even if she couldn't have sex now because of the medical stuff, there was still bjs and even just spending romantic time together.

 

No, I don't think she's cheating.

 

well then this isn't unfixable. it will take effort. but you going out and getting strange isn't the answer.

 

you talk to her about things, and if after talking nothing is going to help, then it may be time to consider leaving.

[Lemon Drop]

The marriage counseling question is:

 

Why would you both stop initiating something you once enjoyed so much?

 

Sounds like resentment, so if poking someone new is going to make that magically go away for both of you, knock yourself out, but by doing that you know your marriage is over. At least it is for you, and sounds like it is for her if she's not interested in having fun with you either.

 

Maybe you should go to MC and find out why each of you are resentful and if you can't resolve it that way, you can waste 40 years passing each other in the hallway and yelling "Eff You"!!!! instead of having a fulfilling sex life.