Author gozone77 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 cosigned. No kids, right? From your other thread, apparently no sex either. She has an alcohol problem. AND she talks to you (possibly you talk to each other) with blantant disrespect. What is the point of suffering this relationship? She has a teenager I'm rather close to (and who calls me "Dad"), but no biological children together. I sometimes care more about him than her because even with all the times I've gotten something wrong as a parent, he's always accepted me as-is. Then again, I don't always accept her as-is, either....as with her temper and so on. I'm not perfect, but I hate hurting people and really try to work together. I just feel shut out and ignored behind her issues. She has a lot of really wonderful qualities about her. And she's my first long-term relationship, so I don't have a wealth of experience with women to compare and contrast the good and bad. My therapist asks the same sort of questions, however.
Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Okay, so she was drunk. Were you, also? That never helps in an argument. Personally, no one ever looks good in an argument. No one ever says things they're proud of during a fight. What she said was was completely uncalled for and cruel. Be assertive and tell her comments like that will not be tolerated and if that alone pushes her buttons let her know you are completely serious. Personally, I'd let it go this time and hope it was a one-time error fueled by booze. I believe some on these boards throw around the D-word far too easily. I wouldn't say I'm married to an alpha woman, but my wife also does not see the value in counseling. It's too bad people in this day and age are scared of the benefits of opening up to someone like that.
Author gozone77 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Okay, so she was drunk. Were you, also? That never helps in an argument. Personally, no one ever looks good in an argument. No one ever says things they're proud of during a fight. What she said was was completely uncalled for and cruel. Be assertive and tell her comments like that will not be tolerated and if that alone pushes her buttons let her know you are completely serious. Personally, I'd let it go this time and hope it was a one-time error fueled by booze. I believe some on these boards throw around the D-word far too easily. I wouldn't say I'm married to an alpha woman, but my wife also does not see the value in counseling. It's too bad people in this day and age are scared of the benefits of opening up to someone like that. No, she wasn't drunk. She never goes that far. She just wants to get a "nice little buzz going." I've never seen her drunk in 7 years of knowing her. As for me, I really don't drink except socially or if we go out (which means I drink about 3-4 times a year - last one was about 4 months ago). I agree with you that arguments never do any real good, and no one comes out looking pretty. This isn't the first time she's said/done stuff like this, so I have to get her to stop it. It's really up to me at this point to set the boundary. I think people are scared of counseling in part because they're scared to face themselves on some issues.
Richard Friedman Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 She has a teenager I'm rather close to (and who calls me "Dad"), but no biological children together. I sometimes care more about him than her because even with all the times I've gotten something wrong as a parent, he's always accepted me as-is. Then again, I don't always accept her as-is, either....as with her temper and so on. I'm not perfect, but I hate hurting people and really try to work together. I just feel shut out and ignored behind her issues. She has a lot of really wonderful qualities about her. And she's my first long-term relationship, so I don't have a wealth of experience with women to compare and contrast the good and bad. My therapist asks the same sort of questions, however. Ah now it makes sense. The lack of self respect. The desperation. You never did well with women and married the first broad who gave you attention(and are raising another man's kid to boot). Case in point: lack of options=desperation=doormat. Why all guys should get a couple notches before settling down.
Lucky_One Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 Buzzed is drunk. She may be able to walk a straight line, but inhibitions are definitely lowered. If she is buzzed, then she is feeling the effects of the alcohol, and she can't control herself. I think we can all agree that mocking you for stuttering is amazingly cruel. Does she do things like that when she is NOT drinking, or only during the evenings after 1-3 (or how many ever) drinks?
frozensprouts Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 By saying we don't argue well, I mean it's never constructive. There's never much mutual compromise. I really try hard not insult, but sometimes it's hard as she can be pretty cruel in some of the things she says (to her, it's brutal honesty). She says what I consider pretty mean things on a daily basis. Words like "pervert", "loser", "freak", "cheat", "fetish", and "retard" are things I hear regularly. that sounds pretty abusive to me.she has no business insulting you like that.
wezol Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 Don't go home today after work, get a motel or go to a friends. Text her or call her and tell her where you will be, and not to contact you for anything short of an emergency. Did that to my exW, it worked for a little bit but we were too far gone. To really make sure she knew not to contact me, I told her "and by emergency, I mean that if you call me, there had better be a cop or paramedic there when I show up". She too would do things like your wife. If we were watching TV and a good looking girl was on, she would ask me what I thought of her. If I said she was hot, or pretty, she would call me a perv. If I did something she didn't agree with she would call me retarded, etc etc. When I got back from deployment, I had my own set of issues that I was trying to deal with, and instead of helping me she told me I was f*cked in the head. Do NOT take that from her, it will eat you alive and if you let it, turn you into an ass-hole that you don't want to be. Tell her, she will test you, but stick to your guns no matter how hard it is.
soserious1 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Alcohol and discussions about grievances in a relationship seldom mesh well. My big question to you is this, do these kinds of fights usually only occur when you guys have been drinking or do they happen even without booze? Do you feel that your wife has a problem with alcohol?
Author gozone77 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Don't go home today after work, get a motel or go to a friends. Text her or call her and tell her where you will be, and not to contact you for anything short of an emergency. Did that to my exW, it worked for a little bit but we were too far gone. To really make sure she knew not to contact me, I told her "and by emergency, I mean that if you call me, there had better be a cop or paramedic there when I show up". She too would do things like your wife. If we were watching TV and a good looking girl was on, she would ask me what I thought of her. If I said she was hot, or pretty, she would call me a perv. If I did something she didn't agree with she would call me retarded, etc etc. When I got back from deployment, I had my own set of issues that I was trying to deal with, and instead of helping me she told me I was f*cked in the head. Do NOT take that from her, it will eat you alive and if you let it, turn you into an ass-hole that you don't want to be. Tell her, she will test you, but stick to your guns no matter how hard it is. Great ideas, but I don't have any friends (well, I have one buddy up in Seattle - I'm in Southern California). I'm thinking of going to spend a few days with my brother on the East Coast.
Author gozone77 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Alcohol and discussions about grievances in a relationship seldom mesh well. My big question to you is this, do these kinds of fights usually only occur when you guys have been drinking or do they happen even without booze? Do you feel that your wife has a problem with alcohol? It's hard for me to really say if she has a real problem with alcohol. I'd have to say she doesn't because she's never drunk and gets all her responsibilities (work, home, child, etc) done. Obviously, drinking more than a drink or two every day causes health problems. Overall, I wish she was more like me, more of a social drinker. I wish she was more like me in a lot of ways. We have these kind of fights happen even without the booze, but I think she's more free-wheeling with her words after she's had a drink.
wezol Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 It's hard for me to really say if she has a real problem with alcohol. I'd have to say she doesn't because she's never drunk and gets all her responsibilities (work, home, child, etc) done. Obviously, drinking more than a drink or two every day causes health problems. Overall, I wish she was more like me, more of a social drinker. I wish she was more like me in a lot of ways. We have these kind of fights happen even without the booze, but I think she's more free-wheeling with her words after she's had a drink. Well, whether or not she has a problem with alcohol, I don't believe is the root of the issue. Sounds like she treats you the way she does with or without it. To play the devils advocate on the alcohol issue. I HATED it when my ex would try and tell me I "couldn't" drink, and I would only do it more, as she had no REAL reason for her not wanting me to besides control. I did many passive aggressive things on that issue. One example: When we went out to eat on a date or after work, I enjoyed a beer and would get whatever was on draft, and would only INTEND on getting one. She would complain and gripe, for no reason other than control, so I would order another, and another, until she shut up about it. Eventually she realized that I drank less, the less she griped. As far as leaving for a night, if you don't have the means to, get creative. After work, go downtown, or main street, or wherever and just walk around. Go into shops, go to the gun store, do manly stuff that would keep you entertained for a few hours. Tell her what you are doing though, because if she thinks you're cheating it'll make things much worse. It's a tricky situation indeed. To be honest with you, after having been through this before, when I start dating I will have some cash stored away in hiding for those times when an overnight stay at a hotel is needed.
mtber75 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Ah now it makes sense. The lack of self respect. The desperation. You never did well with women and married the first broad who gave you attention(and are raising another man's kid to boot). Case in point: lack of options=desperation=doormat. Why all guys should get a couple notches before settling down. Your are a wise man Richard! This is exactly what my friend's and cousin's relationships are with their wives! I always wonder why my friend and cousin stay with their dominant wives...Well they have pretty low esteem (both have no/few friends) and their are terrified of abandonment (they are clingy type of men) so they just take the abuse rather than break up the relationship. I feel sorry for the son. He'll likely find himself the same type of abusive woman as his mother.
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