gozone77 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I am left wondering how to handle my alpha wife. From what I've read, she's the epitome of an alpha woman: liked/desired by all, independent, strong, assertive, successful, driven, and a taker of no prisoners when it comes to making things happen. I am like that when I set my mind on something or when I'm working towards a goal, but overall, I'm pretty easygoing (albeit it successful and so on). This came up after an argument we had the other night (we've been having a hard time lately - lots of resentment and issues on both sides). Yeah, we both said some things that weren't so nice. We've never argued very well. By the time the discussion got heated, I told her to drink another beer. She said something about my stuttering. To me, it's not cool to use my stuttering as a jib, and I told her so. She responded by mockingly saying I was a stutterer again. Each time I told her to stop it, she just did it louder/more. I was screaming at one point. Anywho, I walked away, and we discussed it the next morning. She said I should know her personality well enough to know that anytime I tell her not to do something (as in an argument), she's only going to do it more. She said that's how she is and that I should just accept her. So how the heck do I handle an alpha like this? How the heck am I supposed to state when something isn't okay?
TigerCub Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 your wife is a cunt for actually using something like a stutter to mock you. Next time she mocks that, mock her about her fat ass, or her wrinkles or her crooked teeth, whatever. Its not about being alpha its about being a bitch. If she just does the opposite in cases like that, then tell her "stop being so nice, stop being so wonderful, stop trying to give me head" hopefully she'll still be playing by her stupid "rule" then honestly though this woman doesn't seem to even respect you.
anne1707 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Well to be honest someone who picks something like a stutter to use against another in cruel taunts is not alpha at all. They are just nasty and vindictive. Somebody who is alpha would not feel the need to take such a low approach. When you say you both don't argue well, does that mean you both tend to get insulting with comments? Or is it a shouting/screaming match? Either way, you both need to grow up. I have been there. I have a bad temper but I have learned that my previously strong reactions were due to my own issues and not whoever I was arguing with. I consciously made the effort to stop myself leaping in and over time this has become easier and easier. It stopped arguments getting out of hand, I maintain my self-respect and it allows for a more constructive discussion/debate rather than craziness. With regard to telling your wife to do/not to do something (which would irritate me too), maybe taking a different approach would work. Instead of issuing an order as far as she is concerned, how about telling her how things make you feel instead to encourage her to see things from a different perspective.
Author gozone77 Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 Well to be honest someone who picks something like a stutter to use against another in cruel taunts is not alpha at all. They are just nasty and vindictive. Somebody who is alpha would not feel the need to take such a low approach. When you say you both don't argue well, does that mean you both tend to get insulting with comments? Or is it a shouting/screaming match? Either way, you both need to grow up. I have been there. I have a bad temper but I have learned that my previously strong reactions were due to my own issues and not whoever I was arguing with. I consciously made the effort to stop myself leaping in and over time this has become easier and easier. It stopped arguments getting out of hand, I maintain my self-respect and it allows for a more constructive discussion/debate rather than craziness. With regard to telling your wife to do/not to do something (which would irritate me too), maybe taking a different approach would work. Instead of issuing an order as far as she is concerned, how about telling her how things make you feel instead to encourage her to see things from a different perspective. Well, she said I started it by telling her to drink another beer. Her mentioning my speech thing was, to her, a "throwback" or defense...trying to bring me down a peg or two. By saying we don't argue well, I mean it's never constructive. There's never much mutual compromise. I really try hard not insult, but sometimes it's hard as she can be pretty cruel in some of the things she says (to her, it's brutal honesty). She says what I consider pretty mean things on a daily basis. Words like "pervert", "loser", "freak", "cheat", "fetish", and "retard" are things I hear regularly. I do try to start from the perspective of "here's how I feel", but that actually gets her upset because then I'm making the conversation about me.....
anne1707 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Well as TigerClub said, your wife is a b*tch. There is absolutely no excuse for such behaviour and you should not tolerate it. Imagine if this was the other way round and a woman posted about her husband verbally/emotionally abusing her like this. This is the same kind of abuse which is totally unacceptable. If she refuses to see this and start some form of counselling to deal with her anger then you need to decide whether you are prepared to put up and shut up or whether you have reached your limit. I hope it's the latter.
Author gozone77 Posted October 25, 2011 Author Posted October 25, 2011 Great advice so far. Thanks to both of you very much. How do you think I should establish boundaries with a woman who sees a boundary as a "challenge"? I mean, in telling her to stop making fun of my stuttering, I was trying to set a boundary.
carhill Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 'I feel abused and demeaned. I'm filing for divorce tomorrow'. Then do it. That'll set her back on her ass. TBH, I'd use her for target practice but that's illegal. Stick to the legal stuff, trust me
alphamale Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 So how the heck do I handle an alpha like this? How the heck am I supposed to state when something isn't okay? you FILE FOR DIVORCE and then see what she does
Zapbasket Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I am definitely an "alpha" female in many respects and I agree with other posters who observe that the behavior you're describing is not characteristic of an "alpha" personality. Since you say you have never argued well with one another, I assume you both say and do things that contribute to ineffective, even damaging communication. So rather than bail right away as some have suggested, work on improving YOUR communication. If you say insulting or insinuating things, stop. If you yell, stop. There is no excuse for that behavior, ever--no matter what the other party says or does. When your wife insults or yells at you, look her right in the eye and tell her, "I refuse to engage with you when you speak to me that way," and leave the room. Or leave the house if you have to. That way you're not contributing to the escalating dynamic and you're also not telling her to "stop" doing something. From what you say it sounds like the first few times you do it, she'll test you to see whether you really mean it. Show her you really do by staying in a motel for a night if you have to. Have a plan for where you will go in a case like this and go there, silently and calmly. REmember the purpose is not to punish her, it's to stop a dynamic to which you BOTH contribute and that hurts BOTH of you. It's a loving and healthy and PROACTIVE act, and if your wife protests, be sure to tell her that. Believe me, after a few times, she'll get that you're serious and she'll change her tune. In calmer times, when you're getting along and enjoying one another, tell her how much you love her on the one hand, but how much it hurts you when she says cruel things. That she ridicules you for your stutter is unacceptable behavior and you should hold in the back of your mind that if stuff like that keeps up, you will demand a separation if necessary. No one should have to live with being ridiculed, period, and especially ridiculed for things one cannot help. That is not love, that is scorn. Good luck to you.
Spark1111 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I am left wondering how to handle my alpha wife. From what I've read, she's the epitome of an alpha woman: liked/desired by all, independent, strong, assertive, successful, driven, and a taker of no prisoners when it comes to making things happen. I am like that when I set my mind on something or when I'm working towards a goal, but overall, I'm pretty easygoing (albeit it successful and so on). This came up after an argument we had the other night (we've been having a hard time lately - lots of resentment and issues on both sides). Yeah, we both said some things that weren't so nice. We've never argued very well. By the time the discussion got heated, I told her to drink another beer. She said something about my stuttering. To me, it's not cool to use my stuttering as a jib, and I told her so. She responded by mockingly saying I was a stutterer again. Each time I told her to stop it, she just did it louder/more. I was screaming at one point. Anywho, I walked away, and we discussed it the next morning. She said I should know her personality well enough to know that anytime I tell her not to do something (as in an argument), she's only going to do it more. She said that's how she is and that I should just accept her. So how the heck do I handle an alpha like this? How the heck am I supposed to state when something isn't okay? Your wife is not respectful. Without respect for EACH OTHER and acceptance of your differences, a marraige can deteriorate to the point of no return. You two sound like you are just about there. It cannot survive without compassionate communication. Try MC so you both can learn how to communicate without insults and horribly demeaning comments. The goal is to share and grow together, not best each other in who is more right, smarter, more accomplished, harder-working.
StoneCold Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) Oh boy... I've dated someone like his (note the past tense) First and foremost...there is a difference between being an "alpha" and being a biatch. A true alpha knows when to be assertive.....a biatch is just a biatch...sorry. There is nothing "alpha" about zeroing in on others sensitivties just to deliberately hurt them. Your wife may have some alpha traits in other aspects of her life but ith you she is a biatch... Now, like I said I dated someone like this.....everything is some sort of a gay ass test...and I'm similar to you in that I'm easy going but only turn it on when I must. Where I'm not so sure about similarities is that I can be like a hungry gator in the Lousianna bayou when pushed. Now I did two things... A) I firmly let her know that her and her "tests" dont impress me...they are retarded and pointless and I havent the time for such stupidity and that she is not to come to me unless she comes correct....these are "strong" people so use very strong words.....that humbled her B) Now usually with many of these bitchy girls that hide behind the "alpha" name plate there are insecurities.... I found them...they tend to be under a lot of armour but like any suit of armour...there are small creases and openings and I struck at them with the precision of 16th century rapier in the hands of a French swashbuckler..but only when she tried to go down that road with me.... These two strategies combined dropped her like a stone.... Now my only concern is...do you really want to do something like this? See I didnt..... I did at first to but that biatch in her place but I quickly realized that If I had to do stuff like that just to stay with someone like this....perhaps I should just replace her instead.....so I did. Edited October 26, 2011 by StoneCold
angie2443 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Your wife is an abusive person. These people rarely change. It is very commen for abusive people to come accross to outsiders (people outside their immediate family) as outgoing, charming, in charge, etc. It is very commen for abusive people to say they are "brutally honest". This allows them to confuse, and emotionally beat down their target and get away with it. It is like telling a hurtful joke, and if the target speaks up, they are told "it's just a joke". MC will likely do more harm than good. If she's smart, she will learn more subtle ways to bring you down. She might play the game for a bit, and start bieng more decent. Then, when she thinks you and the councelor are fooled, she'll start up again. Her goal, at least from what it sounds like here, is not to have an equal relationship. Her goal is to get the upperhand. Honestly, it might be wise to just leave the relationship. Yes, a small portion of abusive people do change, but it is very rare. Life is too short for this treatment. (sorry about the spelling. I was in a hurry).
Author gozone77 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Oh boy... I've dated someone like his (note the past tense) First and foremost...there is a difference between being an "alpha" and being a biatch. A true alpha knows when to be assertive.....a biatch is just a biatch...sorry. There is nothing "alpha" about zeroing in on others sensitivties just to deliberately hurt them. Your wife may have some alpha traits in other aspects of her life but ith you she is a biatch... Now, like I said I dated someone like this.....everything is some sort of a gay ass test...and I'm similar to you in that I'm easy going but only turn it on when I must. Where I'm not so sure about similarities is that I can be like a hungry gator in the Lousianna bayou when pushed. Now I did two things... A) I firmly let her know that her and her "tests" dont impress me...they are retarded and pointless and I havent the time for such stupidity and that she is not to come to me unless she comes correct....these are "strong" people so use very strong words.....that humbled her B) Now usually with many of these bitchy girls that hide behind the "alpha" name plate there are insecurities.... I found them...they tend to be under a lot of armour but like any suit of armour...there are small creases and openings and I struck at them with the precision of 16th century rapier in the hands of a French swashbuckler..but only when she tried to go down that road with me.... These two strategies combined dropped her like a stone.... Now my only concern is...do you really want to do something like this? See I didnt..... I did at first to but that biatch in her place but I quickly realized that If I had to do stuff like that just to stay with someone like this....perhaps I should just replace her instead.....so I did. I did have those thoughts, that if I have to really work this hard (as a grown adult) to try and put her in her place and respect me, is the relationship worth maintaining. I can certainly do better at assertiveness, but it's something to consider.
Author gozone77 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) Your wife is not respectful. Without respect for EACH OTHER and acceptance of your differences, a marraige can deteriorate to the point of no return. You two sound like you are just about there. It cannot survive without compassionate communication. Try MC so you both can learn how to communicate without insults and horribly demeaning comments. The goal is to share and grow together, not best each other in who is more right, smarter, more accomplished, harder-working. We've tried MC, but she didn't like some of the things the therapist said in terms of how he approached some sensitive topics. She stopped. I'm still seeing the counselor on my own working primarily on knowing myself and being more assertive. She derides my seeing the counselor quite regularly as merely a pain friend making up for shortcomings in my upbringing. Edited October 26, 2011 by gozone77
angie2443 Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I'm still seeing the counselor on my own working primarily on knowing myself and being more assertive. . This is a good start. Please remember, if you find yourself doing mental backflips to try and change the nature of your relationship, or to try and have her see how you're bieng hurt, it's probably not going to get better. If it doesn't change, it's most likely because she doesn't want it to change, rather she tells this to you or not.
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Back to the beginning. You have mentioned the "have another beer" thing twice. What is the context of that?
Author gozone77 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Back to the beginning. You have mentioned the "have another beer" thing twice. What is the context of that? Oh, she has several beers every night. It's part of how she relaxes/escapes. She drank less when she worked out, but nowadays she says she doesn't have the time to get to the gym given all the stuff she has to do at home (that I help out with).
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Is the drinking an issue? Have there been discussions on any negative effects of her drinking? Does it bother you?
Author gozone77 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 Is the drinking an issue? Have there been discussions on any negative effects of her drinking? Does it bother you? We're both fairly health conscious. I didn't like the drinking from the day we met and voiced my feelings, but she said not to bug her about it as it was her "escape." We don't talk about it. In fact, I make sure she has cold beer for when she gets home. I don't like that she drinks (or that she smokes), but she could have worse vices, I guess.
StoneCold Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 We're both fairly health conscious. I didn't like the drinking from the day we met and voiced my feelings, but she said not to bug her about it as it was her "escape." We don't talk about it. In fact, I make sure she has cold beer for when she gets home. I don't like that she drinks (or that she smokes), but she could have worse vices, I guess. lol...could she make it any easier? Shes such a fat target to strike at.....should you choose to do what I did.
Author gozone77 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Posted October 26, 2011 lol...could she make it any easier? Shes such a fat target to strike at.....should you choose to do what I did. You're right, but for every time I pick at something about her, she fires right back with something about me, and I've got a lot more to pick at than she does. She's a top-notch arguer and doesn't just back down in the face of a put-down. Maybe I should care less. Why should I have to think about picking at her weaknesses? Life is too short for this drama..... I like just telling her what I'm not going to take and standing behind it. If she's got problems with me or thinks I'm a liar or this or that....then she can live without a guy who's "so bad."
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 I think you're right. She shoots back when she perceives a shot at her - the drinking thing. You don't mention, you provide it, but she knows that you don't like it. So she possibly is thinking that you are taking a passive-aggressive shot at her, so she shoots back harder and faster and longer, knowing that you will not shoot back. In other words, she follows a military strategy - the strongest defense is a strong offense. I would be simple and straight forward, "(name), I don't like it when you speak to me that way, and I am not going to engage. When you are ready to speak to me respectfully, then we can talk." And leave the room. If she follows you, leave the room. If she follows you, go outside. If she follows you, say, "I am going to the movies," get in the car and leave. The movies is always a good way to kill 2 hours and keep your mind occupied and give you a legit excuse to cut your phone off. (I don't like leaving without telling where you are going; I find that rude and a bit P-A as well.) She may never learn to change. You can't force her to. But you can change yourself in how you respond.
StoneCold Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) You're right, but for every time I pick at something about her, she fires right back with something about me, and I've got a lot more to pick at than she does. She's a top-notch arguer and doesn't just back down in the face of a put-down. Maybe I should care less. Why should I have to think about picking at her weaknesses? Life is too short for this drama..... I like just telling her what I'm not going to take and standing behind it. If she's got problems with me or thinks I'm a liar or this or that....then she can live without a guy who's "so bad." Well like what I initially said...you could do that.....but do you really want to bother yourself...I did it; it did feel good...she did fight back put I persisted until she was finished (the fact that she fought back thus spurring me on made it worse for her). But like I said I didnt see the effort as worth it and subsequently dumped her. You are leaning more towards just leaving which is ultimately where you will end up anyways so.....best of luck to you. Just beware!! Shes like this now...can you imagine what she will be like during the divorce proceedings? One way or another you are going to battle so you may as well gear up and drop the gloves now. Edited October 26, 2011 by StoneCold
2sunny Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 you two are not practicing loving behavior - and you call this marriage? if i even had "friends" that treated me so poorly - i would no longer keep them as my friends. why are you tolerating such criticism and a mean spirit within the marriage? how is that helpful?
xxoo Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 you two are not practicing loving behavior - and you call this marriage? if i even had "friends" that treated me so poorly - i would no longer keep them as my friends. why are you tolerating such criticism and a mean spirit within the marriage? how is that helpful? cosigned. No kids, right? From your other thread, apparently no sex either. She has an alcohol problem. AND she talks to you (possibly you talk to each other) with blantant disrespect. What is the point of suffering this relationship?
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